Friday
May272011
Confectionary Compensating
May 27, 2011 Men, we need to talk.
Ladies, if you could just give us a minute? Thanks.
[tapping foot while 99.6% of readership leaves the room]
[whispering] Right, then. Listen, guys. I know some of you might be "concerned" that your bride-to-be has had wedding cake in the past. And yes, she probably has!
Hey, some girls have had lots of wedding cake. And sure, ok, maybe they were fairly large cakes.
Maybe they were even huge cakes.
But that doesn't mean she won't be satisfied with a perfectly average-sized cake!
(Ok, you can't see her face - but I'm sure she's thrilled.)So even if your wedding cake seems a bit small and overgrown...
Or perhaps leans to the right...
Or even has a little trouble staying upright...
...the important thing is to remember that your bride loves you, no matter what. The cakes of the past are the cakes of the past! No matter how massive and sweeping and awe-inspiring they may have been.
Er...And if all else fails, you can always buy a Ferrari.
Thanks to Kimber M., Anony M., Julia H., Tessa D., Adrienne H., Jamie, Rachel O., and Anony M., who can come back in now.
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Reader Comments (92)
OMG...this post is absolutely hilarious!!
Funny post, John! It's not always the size of the cake that matters, but how it tastes and how it makes the woman feel! ;-)
wv: essious. The cake is (del)essious.
Bwahahaha. It's not the size of your wedding cake, it's what you do with it. Do not mash it into a woman's face, nor should you share it with too many people. Hey, I love big wedding cakes, but I like cupcakes just as much, maybe more. When it's in a small package, the baker tends to put more thought into it.
How do you even serve those ginormous ones? With a cherry-picker?
The first cake (?) reminds me of the game, "Tip It." Does anyone remember "Tip It?" Perhaps that's what they were going for.
As for cake number 6: I would never stand for a cake that leans to the right.
OH Anonymous (9:34,) you made my day.
WV: Cacon: Every bride should have a beautiful cacon her special day.
Hey, why did you say that 99% of your readership is female? This male has LOL'ed at more than one of your posts.
(Captcha: tablamel. Jen, I think you can find a use for that word.)
The happy couple in the second photo look like Oompa Loompas. That may well be a very small cake.
Oh, my!
That fifth one needs some cake-scaping.
Looks like none of these were Jewish weddings.
Hey, :::adjusting tie::: I'll be here all week -- be sure to tip your waitress!
Oh, and it's not the size of the cake, it's the motion of the fork.
Ok, so it doesn't rhyme . . .
David,
We totally have guy readers. We're just in the very, very small minority.
john
Wow. Who gets to climb to the top of those cakes to fetch the last piece. I agree SuBee, it does look like tip-it. But when I saw it, I was mostly just picturing an America's Funniest Video's moment of disastrous proportions.
wv: pressiv. I have to admit, that last cake was pretty (im)pressiv
SuBee...I'm glad I did, although not sure why...
By the way, you won't stand for a cake leaning to the right, what about laying down for one? ;-)
wv: tabriz - watch out for tabriz (the breeze) as the cake falls!
Oh this post was good, but Ellen's comments (9:54 & 9:56) had me crying...
Great beginning to the first weekend of summer vacation.
Are you sure that last one is a cake? Something that size and shape billowing clouds of white smoke is more likely a North Korean missile being prepped for launch.
My sister's getting married this weekend, so I was planning to send her a link if any cakewrecks this week were wedding related. However, now that I've seen it, I don't think I'm comfortable sending it to her (or especially to her groom). Very funny, though!
Innuendo + cake = my favorite thing. Thanks for filling my head with cake... really, really big cake.
Haha, these cakes are unreal
XD lolol nice use of launguage to get the message across
Um, did you notice on the average sized cake the bride and groom toppers standing back to back? Funny!
Ooh I'm a minority on cake wrecks :)
Having created a few wedding cakes in my nefarious past, I cna guarantee that there is definitely some envy going on..and the size of the cake is the least of it..but funny, funny post...especially that last one that seems to be almost orgasmic in its fog o' love...tough to compete with that one...
ROF-stinkin-L....
This is even funnier b/c of an inside joke among some of my guy friends that you should never let your bride eat wedding cake, because she'll only want to, erm, get fiesty on the wedding night, and NEVER AGAIN. lol
The black sperms are definitely an issue.
That smoke machine'd wedding cake made my husband exclaim: "Smoke machine and wedding cake? Remember when Homer Simpson wanted to invent the Electric Blanketmobile? It's like that!"
I don't care what size or shape your cake is mate, just don't festoon it with ferns, that's just nasty!
wv:grotmac....what they'll need to wear in that last picture when that thar cake blows!
John (the hubby of JEN,)
Your post brought tiers to my eyes.
Are you sure that third one is a cake? It looks like something you'd force on a bridesmaid.
I think that last one has SMOKE comming out of it, careful that may be transmitable.
Fitting the bride is wearing a kamono, I think you can only get that problem in Bankok
...or you could buy a Humvee and hang a set of Truck Nuts off the back, like my ex-husband. Ahem.
Great post. Cake double entendre is always delicious. ;^)
I am just wondering when it became necessary for cakemeisters to have a degree in civil engineering. I mean, just LOOK at the size of those cakes! What goes into keeping some of those humongous ones upright? Do they build them onsite? Do you need a building permit? (And what about...Naomi?)
*facepalm*
A friend of mine solved his problem by simply saying to his intended, "See, Alice...."
wv - readi: see above post
All I've got is...wow.
Best. Ever.
john -- I almost peed my pants I was giggling so hard! Thanks for the laugh! :)
I like only just discovered this blog, and I've gotta say, this is hilarious! XD
I actually saw some little cupcake monstrosities in my local bakery; they were covered in icing that had been molded into looking like a dog, and then someone plopped a graduation hat on 'em. I wish I took a picture!
0.4% of the readership, eh? No matter how accurate that may be, I'm...never mind.
#1 What a cool idea -- everyone gets their own cake!
#2 Not bad, except for being, you know, large. What's the deal with the small auxiliary cake off to the side?
#3 Superman decided that getting hitched at the Fortress of Solitude was not such a hot idea. In fact, it was a bit of a non sequitur.
#4 "I knew I shouldn't have said, 'We'll take that one' when I was shown the sample at the Literal Bakery."
#5 Oh ick. I can smell the potpourri. Probably tastes like it, too.
#6 Uh...
#7 I hope that one isn't a metaphor.
#8 Now that's cool. It has like cold vapor coming off it and stuff. Is it going to lift off? That would be totally awesome!
This reminds me of the bumper sticker, "Nice Truck! (Sorry about the small penis)"
It is a little known bit of Hollywood trivia that, on the old "Honeymooners" show, when Jackie Gleason used to roar "To the moon, Alice," he was fondly remembering their wedding reception where they HAD been launched into orbit with the assistance of just such a cake.
(The More You Know Star PSA theme plays here...)
Good stuff! Aw man, I did a wedding cake not too long ago and had a disaster! I should have taken a picture to send to you. Luckily they were good family friends and we worked it out.
Oh! I had to look again, and again, but I thought the first cake had a Santa face at the top.....lol
And maybe on that last one it's really tulle, not smoke? Maybe? .....I hope?
wv: tatedg - That lacy stuff my dad used to make (tatting) used as decoration on a pillowcase - "That pillowcase has a pretty tat-edg....
The size of cake #4 is the least of that girl's problems. She's got to live down those sleeves for the rest of her life!
I'm always amazed on the size of cakes that people have in their weddings. I mean, sometimes there is more cake then there are people! But I'll give credit where it is due, having a smoke effect on your cake just makes you awesome.
Abby
For # 3 did the couple come in and ask the baker for a cake that looked like a cactus mated with a unicorn horn and appears to be wearing a white satin skirt?
If it is actually the traditional wedding cake of Belgium I apologize for my ignorance in advance.
WV: ergast "I heard ergast at the size of the wedding cake."
Small and overgrown had me LOL'ing!!!
[sigh]
@iCowboy - what is a North Korean missile doing launching from Japan?
@sara - it's callad "KImono". It's a traditional *Japanese* outfit. The groom is wearing one, too. And Bangkok is in Thailand, not Japan.
Sorry, I really had to defend the traditions of the Land of the Rising Sun. Even if having huge cakes is not exactly what the Japanese are known for (nudge nudge, wink wink).
This rocks in a way few things in the world have ever rocked before!
The Towering Inferno Cake just needs to have little fondant victims jumping off the top into little tulle nets.
@John : "We're just in the very, very small minority"? Meaning the minority are very very small?
WHY are guys SO obsessed with size? My ex used to say, "anything more than a mouthful is a waste" (WHEN TALKING ABOUT CAKE.)
=^O-O^=
Anyone else see The Last Days of Pompeii in that collapsible cake?
wv: stedi
Some of those cakes are not stedi.