Wrecky Roughage
July 22, 2010 According to this survey I'm about to make up, 74% of us don't get enough fiber in our diets. Unless you're British. In which case you don't get enough fibre. And you spell things wrong.
Fortunately, the bakeries of the world are here to help.
I think we'll call this Faeber.I DO believe in Faeber. I do, I do!!
Which makes me wonder: Does the same thing happen with kids?
Admit it: you just had a mental image of a bunch of toddlers scootching their butts across the carpet.Now, of course, if plastic is your fiber of choice, then have I got a cake for you!
It's like a cartoon colonic.
In fact, bakers really seem to be embracing the Dollar Depot movement: (Heh. "Movement.") Case in point: Ashley ordered a little boy's cake, something appropriate for a first birthday.
Aaaand this is what she got:
...'cuz nothing's more appropriate for a one-year-old than twenty-two individual choking opportunities."No, Palmer, Sweetie, you can't eat that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. No! Not that! Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Whoah! Definitely not that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Maybe th...no, not that, either.
"Or that."
Diana F., Kasia R., Wicked Princess, & Ashley P., I think the brown sprinkles might be safe, if you want to chance it.
Update from john: Just so we're clear, we are watching Tonks 24/7 and the minute something seems off, we'll take out a second mortgage and head to the vet. Until then, if you need me, I'll just be over here sifting poop...
Reader Comments (129)
Good lord, what did they use to frost that last cake--a sandblaster?
BUD: I don't know nothin' about decoratin' cakes, Boss.
BOSS: Don't sweat it, Bud. All you have to do is slap some icing on it, then we'll stick on so much junk that it won't look like a cake at all. Just leave enough room to wedge in the plastic "Happy Birthday" sign and we're done.
--Blue Jean
Just wrong, wrong, wrong!! Ugh!!
What happened to SpongeBob's FACE?! I'm going to have a very upset 6yo when he sees that SpongeBob has lost all his facial features, especially seeing as how he didn't really have all that many other features...
It's interesting that you consider the British spelling of fibre to be "wrong", since most of the English-speaking world would consider the American spelling of this word to be "wrong". Perhaps it is more politically correct to say the Americanized spelling of the word fibre is fiber, since the Americanization of many words occurred long after the British established their lexicon.
I think the baker on the last cake had a major case of indecision... I think she would have been better off leaving ribbon for the toddler to eat.
"Hey, Tina, we have an order here for a birthday cake for a one-year-old boy."
"SWEET! Here's our opportunity to dump all the rest of that plastic crap we didn't get to use on the Nascar, World Cup, and Mardi Gras cakes!"
"Umm... ALL of it?"
"Yes, ALL of it! Sheesh! He's a kid, he'll love it. Trust me!"
Anon @ 1:56,
True. Very true. However, if we were constantly trying to be politically correct on this blog, the commentary would be a bit, shall we say, boring.
"Well, the decorator did his best!"
"Oh, what a shame!"
"Boy! That's some cake!"
I think the point is that just because you spelt it first, doesn't mean you spelled it correctly.
I'm also relatively certain that nobody has a better sense of humour than the British.
(Man! I keep getting all these red lines on my spell check...)
john
after you've mentioned movements and poo coated ribbon there's no WAY I'd risk the brown sprinkles.
Does the inscription on that first cake say "Happy Birthday Chalupa"? Was this a Taco Bell corporate celebration?
Ha! Your last cake commentary sounds like my every day with a 16-month-old. Don't eat that -or that-or that!!
I think that last one is solely responsible for the island of floating plastic trash in the Pacific Ocean.
If you want to know how the differences in spellings occurred, check out wiki here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_and_British_English_spelling_differences
I also heard that the first shipment of aluminium from the UK to the US was spelt incorrectly - which is way you spell and pronounce it differently to us! Not sure how true that is, though!!
Anyway, I say, long may our differences live - even if it does send some people crazy!!! And thanks for making me laugh - I really needed a lol today!
Leesa
john (hubby of jen)
you are extra chatty today...
a bit too much caffeine this morning?
;-)
wv: minesses
all the cakes would have been perfect minesses a few pieces of flotsam
Hey Jen! Brits, Canadians, Australians, New Zealanders, Jamaicans, Bermudans, Bahamians, Trinidadians, Tazminians, the Irish, Scottish, South Africans, Nigerians, Kenyans, Zimbabwians... et al. We ALL eat fibre, write cheques, go to community centres and theatres, love our neighbours, and are very colourful people. In other words, almost the whole world, other than the U.S., eats fibre! Love you and your outstanding website immensely! You are hilarious and we love the way you spell, and the way you take jabs at other countries in the interest of good natured blageury!
does the last one say "happy 11st birthday"
I only count 20 hazards. What am I missing? any chance you can list them for us?
This isn't apropos the cakes, but do be careful with cats and ribbon/yarn. The way a cat's digestive tract is set up, it's very easy for bits of string to get caught, and then when the cat tries to pass it the string can rip through their digestive tracts.
I don't mean to tell you this for shock value or anything, but I have a cat who tries to eat yarn (and as a knitter this is a problem) and my vet gave me a huge warning about this.
Well, my 3 year old saw the last cake and LOVES it. He kept saying, "That's my birthday cake!"
Wilson: Sir, we have a problem. The Tinkerbell is spawning rapidly. 73% more than we anticipated and they're becoming aggressive. We could only be moments away before an attack. What should we do Sir!?
Sir: Pray.
what a strange, motley crew that "gang" is.
I love the last cake. the blue car has an alien jumping out of it, threatened by a dude with pitchfork. he should turn around and check out the giant lizard and tiny shiny dinosaurs coming up behind him.
then Sisyphus, the soccer player, must be trying to heave that giant soccer ball up the sticky icing mountain of cake. what an unfortunate purgatory for him.
now what's the guy in the orange hat up to? he's hiding out like he's doing something criminal. maybe he's about to detonate the top of the cake? oops. too late.
this cake is like "career day." fire hat, dump truck, race car, cop badge, digger, train, soccer player, football, surfer, criminal, "farmer" (by the pitchfork. his futuristic dress suggests otherwise).
now I have two questions:
1) why is the football pooping?
2) is that a snowman in the background or the drummer from DEVO?
meanwhile, the fairies are kinda cute. like they're decorating the cake with cherries.
that last one was hilarious. well played! and i hope no one was hurt...
Belle Highsmith is my hero for the use of the word "blaguery." Now I just have so decide if ANYONE in Texas will understand me if I use it.
My cat did that - and it got stuck. Cost me $400 at the vet. They tried to hand it to me in a baggie when they got it out. It was pink.
I'm not all that fond of pink curling ribbon anymore.
Yeah, we Brits spell things strangely, but we're cranky and underslept and prepared to fight for the right to write our own special way. XD
Oh, that last cake is hilarious. I love the dialogue... "not that, either." Too funny.
Does the Tinkerbell cake say Happy Birthday Chalupa?
Ooohh!! The Wreckerator on that last cake may have invented a new flavor--the phthalate flavored cake!!
re the children's sparkly bottom trail: - I HAVE been there when our toddler ate a bauble (hey, it's red, up a tree, it must be an apple). Later I found myself musing on things you never say before you're a parent: "Florence, stop dragging your bum along the carpet! We have a dog for that!"
Jen, have you taken your cat to the vet?! Ribbon and string can actually be pretty serious for cats and can even kill them.
Please watch your kitty. Sometimes ribbons can wrap around their intestines and then there is serious trouble.
Apparently my very un-bright cat Ferris once ate about 10 feet of ribbon, maybe more. I know this because we came home from a play to find endless poo-covered ribbon wound around all the legs of our kitchen chairs and table. I can only imagine the look of alarm on poor, stupid Ferris's face as he tried to figure out what was following him.
I think the wreckerators used up all of their dated, mismatched and leftover "flotsam" in the bakery so they wouldn't have to account for it during their next inventory!
The cat and the ribbon/tinsel subject? Been there done that..silver tinsel hanging out of a cats nether regions while he is walking around the house does NOT mean he has the Christmas Spirit!
I LOVE THIS BLOG!
OMG, I thought we were the only ones who used the word "scootch." Hilarious as usual, thanks for the laughs
The Tinkerbell cake is for Chelsea, not Chalupa.
I believe the guy with the pitchfork is not a farmer. In the enlarged format, he bears a remarkable resemblance to Vladimir Lenin. Why Lenin is on a birthday cake, I do not know. And why it was iced with spackling compound ... well that's just wrong.
That "Attack of the Tinkerbells" cake is what a plain cake looks like when you're on drugs!
http://dweebseduction.blogspot.com/
My cat Lily once ate a string from my violin bow. (It's actually a hair from a horse's tail.) They kept her at the vet's for a day and she passed it.
I can say without a doubt and with photographic evidence, if required, that my preschooler can make a better cake than that last one.
That being said, she'd also think the last one was awesome as long as she got a fair share of the toys.
*sigh*
Sorry - going to add to the cat/ribbon warnings. If you see the ribbon hanging out of your cat's bum do not pull on it. The ribbon can get stuck higher in their digestive tract and when you pull the end it will either collapse their bowel or rip it apart.
My cat ate a small (4 inches?) piece of silk ribbon last year. I gave her some hairball gel and it seemed to help her pass it. It did take a couple of days though.
Good luck - hopefully you'll have the same non-vet-visit outcome as I did.
Our cat once ate a chenille-ribboned toy - she was about 6 months old at the time. The memory I have of that event is my husband chasing a terrified cat through the apartment, trying to remove the last 6 inches of poopy chenille string hanging out of her rear. The cat was tearing around terrified because it kept hitting her back legs and she couldn't get away from it. We refer to this incident in our life with the cat as the "poopy butt-dangler". Still makes us laugh every time! :D
FYI: This is the same cat that got spooked by her reflection in the mirror and sprinted in the opposite direction, only to run into the wall head-first at full speed. Our theory is brain damage. LOL
man...i had cats who ate ribbons all the time. We couldn't figure out how they were getting them since we were careful to throw it all away after unwrapping gifts! And then we discovered the loose board in the door to our attic space that was loaded with Christmas wrapping. Idiot cats.
And RE: the people who are chastising Jen et al for being so careless as to let their cat eat ribbon. Look, it's not like they sit at home each night and purposefully feed the cat ribbon. Ribbon is crack for cats. They have suppliers and a whole system of commerce to support their habit. You try to keep it out of their jaws but SOMEHOW they seem to always find a scrap of it somewhere. So ease up, the cat will most likely be fine, and I'm sure if something went wrong they'd handle it.
Also, also: Jen et al, don't feel like you have to explain yourselves to the world about naming your cat Tonks! My husband and I named all of our cats after Stargate characters: Thor, Vala, and Dr. Daniel Jackson ("Jackie" for short). We also have a cat named Coco, but she came to us with that name.
"Butt scootching toddlers" sounds like a country line-dance. Also reminds me of a message an anonymous student wrote on one of my desks: "I have butt worms." No one would sit at that desk the rest of the year.
good lord, can't anyone decorate anymore?
I used to make little ribbon bows for my bald-headed baby girl and glue them to her head with Elmer's school glue (washes right out at bath time - don't call DCFS). One day, I had her dressed and ready to go, bow and all. I got myself ready and came back to pick her, but no bow! I couldn't find it anywhere. While changing her diaper days later, I'm horrified - convinced she has tapeworm, until I remember the missing ribbon.
If you have a cat, you have or will at some point witness ribbon poop. We call it "gift wrapped" in our household. No, it's not good for them, but it's also not something you just let happen. Cats, like toddlers, have a way of finding exactly what you don't want them to find. It's what they do.
Awesome post today, Jen. HILARIOUS!
....and yes...the same thing happens to children. I will spare you the details but to say that my ex MIL made a blanket for my daughter that had 4-inch long ribbons tied every few inches.
Imagine my surprise at diaper-changing time! LOL
I can't believe that your cat has the same name as our cat! Named after Nymphadora Tonks I presume? How cool.
Ok someone must want to choke children putting all of that *ahem* garbage on top of the cake. And I love how all the fairies are hiding the spelling of the birthday girl lol. I couldn't even tell what the name was. Boy what a waste of cake. Hiding all their errors behind choking hazards is just evil of them lol.
Read all the way to end of post to see if anyone had commented on the fact that the last cake's sprinkles are in yellow and brown - and I get to be the first! Puts a new spin on "sprinkles".
Also, my Great-Aunt Verna went a couple degrees of magnitude past jillb-ilslp. She would take her bald daughter out with ribbon bows taped to her head - bows which had their knots embellished with the glued-on heads of thumbtacks. Whenever anyone asked "How do you keep the bow on?", she would point and answer; "With the thumbtack of course!" And I share her genes...
I do love the fact that your cat's name is Tonks. Huge shout out to Harry Potter?
I once saw a piece of ribbon hanging from my cat's mouth. Like a good owner, I decided she shouldn't eat it, so I pulled it out....only it just kept coming. Apparently she had swallowed the rest of the roll of ribbon... I pulled out about 10 feet of ribbon. She sat there' patiently, while I gagged...not nice...