The Twilight Zone
October 29, 2009 Tonight I'm going to be doing a live author chat over on Twilight Moms, a website devoted to moms who enjoy astronomical chitchat.
Or maybe they have something to do with vampires. Hm. Come to think of it, that might explain a few things, actually...
Well, if I've learned anything from being a fangirl myself (though admittedly more of the sci-fi genre) it's that you always look for common ground when dealing with bloodthirsty devotees. That, and no sudden movements. So, Twi-hards, sink your teeth into THIS (while the rest of us casually stroll off in this direction):
As you can see, there are two crucial elements to most Twilight cakes:
1) edible photo paper, and
2) lots of black icing.
Unfortunately, black icing does tend to show how green the "black" ink in edible photos can be. But what can you do? Draw something?
Say, this is actually pretty good! And way to represent the big girls, baker; I'm tired of the skinny chick always getting the sparkly immortal. Even if she is impaling his arm with her big ol' man-hand.
Well, better get back to the formula, I suppose. Only, what's that you say? You want MORE black icing? Nooo problem:
Well that's gonna leave a mark stain. No, I don't know what the white swirly bits are supposed to be. And yes, it does look like a postage stamp. But let's not give anyone ideas, mmkay?
You know, for vampire-themed cakes these things have been awfully blood-free.
Ah, that's better. The oozing bell peppers really add something, too. Specifically, something that makes even less sense than writing "Forks Twilight" on a cake.
(Yes, I know that Forks is the name of the town in the story. That's hardly an explanation, though.)
As with all cakes, the most important thing to remember when ordering a Twilight design is that nothing beats a little forethought, balance, and beautifully scripted text:
Yep, nothing would have beat any of those right about now.[Pro tip: if you're going to scratch guide lines into the icing, keep in mind that airbrushed icing is white underneath.]
And lastly, choosing the right text for your tribute cake is also key:
"What if I'm not the hero? What if I'm the bad guy? What a stupid lamb! What a sick, masochistic lion."Er.
Yeeeahh...so...
Happy Birthday!
Or would it make more sense as an anniversary cake? [evil grin]
I hate to admit it, Giselle P., Katelynn B., Emily S., Jennifer T., & Itzkeleen, but I think the first Twilight Wreck I posted still takes the cake. (Keeping in mind that only the professional cakes count, of course; there are tons of hilarious amateur jobs out there.)
- Related Wreckage: The Twilight of our Discontent
Reader Comments (291)
Anyone who slogged through all the nerds and bacons was rewarded with Kirakira's contribution, the funniest cake of the lot. Jen/John: you must feature it more prominently. I'm still laughing at it.
wv:feitio ... I'm imagining not just lips and poo being funny colours after this.
The 3rd is actually really pretty. Even though I'm not a big TWILIGHT fan...
I'd like to add my bacon and "What if I'm not the nerd" comments to everyone elses.
Also, the drippy blood cake almost made me pee my pants I laughed so hard. I love your commentary, it just makes my day! (When I'm not recoiling in horror from the terribly bad cakes you sometimes find.)
Hey Anon at 12:37 - I do generally read every post. Doesn't mean I can't put my vote in for nerd/hero and/or bacon. Because other people have seen the same thing, we're all not entitled to voice our opinion??
Hahaha. I recognize the obscure reference on the last cake. It's actually a cake making fun of the whole Twilight obsession in general. It may be a LiveJournal thing...but it's the bacon that gives it away.
There's a really bad spoof fanfiction (involving the ever-present Mary Sue, Bella), where after she gives birth to her baby, her...um...ladyparts are left in disarray. And the totally intelligent, sparkly hero Edward heals them...using bacon.
It's not a wreck because it was meant to be ugly and awful and have a stupid quote. Spoof cakes ftw!
I thought it said "What if I'm not the nerd?",too. In fact, after I saw the chess piece, I was sure of it. Then I noticed that it was supposed to be something off the cover, and the other things were supposed to be the apple, bloodied flower, and ribbon from the other book covers. But what if it actually said "nerd"? That would actually be pretty funny...
And had anyone wondered what would happen if we shouted out "What if I'm not the nerd?" or "Is that bacon on that cake?" in the middle of class or some equally mundane situation? Hmm. Just might try it.
Is it just me, or does the sparkly vampire guy look better in blobby icing than as an over-smooth, Photoshopped failed girl?
Yeh, nerd. Nerd works a lot better than hero.
Just be glad these weren't cakes re-enacting the pregnancy from the last book. Scarred for life, I guarantee.
Yep, seconding (thirding, fourthing??) the "nerd" thing.
ON that last cake..is that bacon???
And to me it reads
"What if Im not the nerd?"
Ahaha...I totally thought it said What if I'm not the nerd. OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, was I the only one who saw a slice of BACON on the top of that last cake???? Bacon makes everything better...........but I"m not so sure that gos oh-so-perfectly with...erm...twilight-cake.
I agree with everyone else, I SEVERELY thought that it said, "What if I'm not the nerd?" I was like, Aw... is that some kind of sick joke? That's god awful!
-Faren
Forget the text...is that bacon in the middle?
I'm wondering why there is bacon on the top of this cake. That IS bacon, right?
I also thought that last one said "nerd" instead of hero. However, I was more concerned about the bacon??? on top.
That last cake there looks like it has pieces of actual bacon on it... O_o
What is that? Bacon?
Jenn H.
Please to create a "What if I am not the nerd?" T-shirt!!!!!
does nobody read the comments before they post? every single one of these comments says the exact same thing. yes, nerd. we get it.
*sorts through all the comments for an explanation for the bacon*
Oh, a ribbon, I see. I knew just enough to get that the apple and the chess piece were on the covers of the books, and the only other cover I knew about has something to do with a flower. I wonder if that folded up lump next to the "ribbon" is supposed to be the flower. It appears to be on a green stick, after all.
When I saw the "Forks Twilight" cake, I thought "forks" was supposed to be a euphemism for a different f word. More of an anti-Twilight cake. Perhaps not, though.
But, forget vampires. Zombies and ghosts are where it's at ^_^
Hey... is it just me or does it look like that last cake has bacon on it?
Is that bacon?
Ha ha ha I so thought that said "What if I'm not the nerd?" Glad I'm not the only one!!
Yeah, I thought it said "nerd", too.
I definitely thought the last cake said nerd and not hero. Twilight fandom is rather scary. O.o
I feel the need to see some good and bad Harry Potter cakes after this. :D
I totally read that last one as:
"what if I'm not the NERD" as well.
LOL, the best cake ever!
maybe they hate twilight, and "forks twilight" is just a witty wordplay expressing this... XD
actually, isabella's birthday cake looks pretty good. i didn't even notice the man hands until you mentioned it. (name's kinda coincidence since bella' full name in the book is isabella- i know, twilight fan =D )
but marleta's...... well, there's always halloween and next year
the forks one looked like puddles of shiny blood at first rather than apples...
and i can't believe that piece of tongue licking the stem on the bacon strip made it onto the cake....
am i the only one that thought the ribbon looked like a tongue?
I guess I'll be the 280st person to say, "What if I'm not the nerd?" I actually stared at the picture for a while trying to figure out if it was supposed to be a parody of lines from the book before reading on to see that I misread it...
Word verification: proco - That's so "proco", you know?
I’m going to repeat what I said about the first Twilight cake wreck: I’m pretty sure even the most die-hard Twilight fan at my school would turn against it if they saw this. That, or murder every baker in the world.
For those of you who saw “What if I’m not the nerd?” (I belong to that group, by the way), consider how long Edward’s gone to school. Now consider how old he is (vampire age, people!) He’s either:
A. the ultimate nerd (he keeps going back)
B. extremely stupid (see above reason)
Personally, I chose B. Why do you think it says, “What if I’m not the nerd?”
P.S. Does anyone else notice how nasty tasting black icing can be? That’s why these wrecks are covered in it. It shows how disappointed Carlisle and Esme are that Edward keeps having to repeat. So when he eats it, he tastes their disappointment! Of course, to him, regular food is what dirt is to us. But, you know, either way it works.
-Madison
UMM... IS THAT BACON FOR THE RIBBONS??? LOL
I totally thought that last one said what if Im not he nerd!! and I thought thats what you ment about choosing the right text!! then I read the rest of your comment...
Sorry, I agree with everyone else, when I read that last cake I read, "What if I'm not the nerd?" Those cakes are really special.
I was thinking it said nerd too :-S
Is that bacon on the last cake? I like bacon. Bacon would be good on chocolate cake. And all that black frosting? I am currently picturing a screaming horde of twilight fans with black teeth. But bacon is good. Bacon is very good. Bacon can make even Edward taste LOOK good. Look. Like bacon. yum.
If you can possibly read another comment... My husband wondered if the bloody cake was the result of a misfortunate cake order/shopping list mix-up. The person wrote their shopping list, they needed three items:
Forks
Twilight (cake)
red peppers
I read that last one as "What if I'm not the nerd". Awww...cute :) xx
I totally think the ONLY one that managed to make out that it says "hero" is the author... Because everyone read it as "nerd". In fact, I can barely make out "hero" after reading that and after TRYING to see it, with all the black over the white icing. I thought someone was trying to be funny. Sooooo fitting for a Twilight cake.
WHY does the last cake say "what if I'm not the nerd?"!!! And WHY is there two pieces of BACON next to the chess piece and bell pepper/apple/blob/thing-from-outer-space?!!!!
BTW, WHY would anyone like Edward? He's whiny. And rude. And vain. AND HE SPARKLES!!! OK, it is too late now. Goodnight...
That cake with the "I am not the nerd"... I think the top part stands for "applewood bacon king". LMAO
lol it totally says "What if i'm the nerd?" at first i was like, omg twilight hate cake, gotta get one, but then i made the realization and lmao