Let's Get Physiological
March 2, 2011 A tale...of where you came from.
...in a trippy oil painting from the 70s.
"Geronimooooo!"And some say it's Superman:
Which, if you think about it, makes about as much sense as the stork.
These are all lies.
And I think it's high time you learned the truth.
The truth is, you didn't arrive by bird, plane, or Kryptonian. You arrived by:
Ram.And by "ram" I mean "Mommy's magic baby bag."
See, it all started with these brave little tadpoles:
Er...It all started with these brave gigantic tadpoles.
Together the tadpoles ventured through the winding Fallopian Forests of Ovarium, fought the wily Va-dragon, and ultimately joined forces with the mighty She-Ra in the magic baby bag.
At first you were really ugly. Barely even edible, really:
You just floated around, day after day, flicking your fingers.(*flick flick flick*)
So, right armpit during the day, lower hemline at night.
"Eeeaaaaat meeee."Finally the emotional day arrived, and your mother and I were simply overcome at the thought of witnessing such a beautiful spectacle of radiant new life. [sigh]
And then a rainbow shot out of your mom's hoo-haw, tossing you a good 10 feet. Haha! You should've seen it, man. It was awesome!Oh, don't look so worried. You turned out fine.
Thanks to wreckporters Paula L., Elizabeth S., Cariena B., Reed D., Valerie B., Kate M., Ashlee, Amber M., & Anony M., who will never hear "Rainbow Connection" the same way again.
Reader Comments (163)
Wow... the "Push, Nicole" cake really 'pushed' me over the edge! Who the heck EVER thought that was suitable for a CAKE? Card, maybe, but not something people eat!!! Gross!
Seriously? Someone made a childbirth cake? I thought I had seen it all on here...
TOO funny today! Laughing out loud at that last one.
OMG! Thank you for adding the rainbow! Maybe you should have covered up those creepy fetus cupcakes, too....
Wow, I loved your description of conception =). Rock on!
Took me a looong time to see a rem in that one...
Wow--this answers SO MANY QUESTIONS!
Of course, it opens up, many, MANY more--with "why, why, for all that is good and lovely, and rainbow stripey, WHY!" as number one!
Holy Cow. OMG. I couldn't stop laughing through most of this post. Once I started, I could stop. I love the rainbow Hooha!
Most awesome work. I approve!
The first few cakes are barely wrecky. Then we get to "Happy Sperm Day" and there's no refuge.
The fetus cupcakes are made all the scarier by the fact that I can't tell what's touching the left eyelid. Looks like an adult finger.
Huh. Wow, my parents fooled ME.
-Sarah-
Va-dragon......LOL....too funny...thanks for the laugh!
Mommy, why is Superman melting?
Wow...
if the 7yh cake didn't have the babies' heads randomly floating on the mom's shirt it would have been a really cute cake.
I don't know which was funnier....the "rainbow hoo-ha" or the Va-Dragon. Thanks for the laugh!
I thought the cupcakes were bad and then we got to "Push Nicole". Who does this???!!!!???
As bad as rainbow birth cake is (and I think "Rainbow Birth" is one of those books for people who want to meditate through birth instead of taking drugs), I'm really disturbed by the fetus cupcakes. It looks like something someone would be offering outside a Planned Parenthood.
I'm going to have nightmares about some of these.
I love the rainbow at the end. HA HA HA HA HA HA Who wants a cake like that???
Wow, and I thought posting sonogram pics on Facebook was disgusting. And then there were cupcakes....
These are disturbing. The fetus cupcakes have left me scarred. I can't even talk about Nicole's rainbow. Blech!
Wow, I think those cupcakes are going to haunt me....
Love the Doctor Who reference :-)
They could have at least given the baby a parachute before they tossed him off of the airplane!
And that Welcome to the World in utero baby looks like the thing that hatched out of the guys stomach in Alien!
Seriously?
Especially that LAST one!....
Really??
I don't know if it's just me (since nobody else seems to be commenting on it) but for the last two posts, I can't see at least half of the pictures...what's going on?
Kinda enjoying the sperms on the stork cake too.
I should print this up for "the talk" with my kids.
my wv is "thing". Just had to share.
I have to wonder if the "Happy Sperm Day" is a way of telling Ryan that ovulation has been achieved and it's time to get down to busienss? Or maybe it's some sort of vasectomy joke?
oh my, Jen. Your comments are priceless. i laughed out loud at the last one. "A rainbow shot out of your mommy's hoohaw." perfect. that's how i want to give birth - by rainbow.
On second glance, Push Nicole is wearing a top (with frilly little sleeves, what?) and has some plastic baby bottle flotsam at the edges. It's like at some point in the design process, somebody said, "Let's have her Rainbow Bridge hanging out for the world to see, but don't even imply she might breastfeed this baby because that's just gross!"
Other than that, I laughed from beginning to end. The fetus cakes didn't bother me too much, but I think that stork might give me nightmares.
AWESOME!
The Ryan cake and the Push Nicole cake left me speechless. I mean really, must bakers(and I guess those ordering the cakes)continue to push the boundaries of taste and decorum? Good grief. The baby faced cupcakes are just down right disturbing. Who would want to eat that?
I am speechless...
KC
I'm laughing so hard I've got tears! This is hysterical!
I didn't really need to see the "goo" along with the sperm this early in the morning thank you. Gross.
"At first you were really ugly. Barely even edible, really" LOL! The baby looks like it's having a baby of its own.
Having had 2 little ones of my own, when they kicked it seemed like they were getting close to the armpit! Not quite that close though.
Those cupcakes were just...wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!
Poor, poor Nicole. There are sooooo many things wrong about that cake. I mean other than the obvious sheer tackiness of it. The way the cake is presented, Nicole is standing on her head. She has a top that just covers her boobies - or is that a bra? The two extremely long squiggly hairs on her butt (they don't match the other "motion" lines). The fact that there are "motion lines! The baby bottle that seems to also have come out the the rainbow hoo-ha.
I'm guessing from how far the rainbow extends...that they were expecting a boy? There's a pot 'o gold joke there somewhere....
wv: enext: After delivering the baby, the doctor said, "Who's enext?"
Is that... a RAINBOW?? OMG!!! Just in case the "push" cake wasn't strange enough, let's add a rainbow shooting out with the baby... I had to run to the bathroom so I could laugh for five minutes without people thinking I was too crazy.
Today is my heart-son's 17th birthday, and I, at first, was thinking of posting a link to today's blog on his FB wall. Then, I kept going. 17 may be too young.
Though, the rainbow hoohaw toss may explain somethings about him.
wv: sivicles - If a rainbow shoots out of your mother's hoohaw when you're born, is this a sign of the newly discovered STD, sivicles?
Hilarious post! I thought the last cake was a tribute to another cake-wrecks horror from way back - the first censored cake :)
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2008/07/first-censored-cake-wreck.html?showComment=1217046180000
Thanks for this. Now, if you'll all excuse me, I must go poke out my Third Eye with a spork...
O_o my face after seeing those cakes
Haha! Best post in a long time!!!
I'll admit it. The rainbow babypult shot cake is hilarious to me, and I don't think it's a wreck. I am twisted.
Whoa, I hope there was someone with a catcher's mitt waiting at Nicole's nethers!
@ Anonymous 10:33
The rainbow was added to the picture by Jen as a cover up since Nicole's va-dragon was showing.
Trust me...we don't want to see that.
Speaking of body parts. Nice subtle phallic plane!
bwahahahhahahahaaha. geesh i have done that 3 times and never saw the rainbow...but this post is too freakin funny!!!!!! i am still staring at my monitor laugh insainly and my children think mommy has gone over the edge! lmfao!!!!
Somehow, "Out, Out!" makes me think of Lady Macbeth more than childbirth. You'll never think of Shakespeare the same way again.
And the stork cake--is it really all that bad, considering all the OTHER pregnancy/birth wrecks that have been featured? One word: gelatin.
Horrifying. I am tempted to ban all cakes from my baby shower in order to avoid traumatizing the guests. And myself.
So what's the story on Ryan? Made a donation? First, um, nocturnal incident? Vasectomy pain?
As for the rest of this post, I will be chuckling nervously for the rest of the day, and I will otherwise be grateful that no child of mine after the first one will be having a baby shower!
Is it just me who thinks the sperm cake may be a male "menarche" cake? Just me? OK. I have to go bleach my brain now...
I might have to use this for a visual when i explain the birds and bees...er...tadpoles and rams to my daughter.
Superman is Jewish.... who knew?
The other day my 3yr old was talking about how she was once in my belly and then announced that she got there when I swallowed her. I just said, "Um no that's not how you got in there"
Now I've got this handy and tasty tutorial I'm sure she won't be confused any more.
Did they really name the baby, "Journee"???
I'm sorry but hoo-haws don't belong on cakes, not even if they're shooting out babies. The fetus cupcakes, however, take the cake. Sorry. Couldn't help myself.