Let's Get Physiological
March 2, 2011 A tale...of where you came from.
...in a trippy oil painting from the 70s.
"Geronimooooo!"And some say it's Superman:
Which, if you think about it, makes about as much sense as the stork.
These are all lies.
And I think it's high time you learned the truth.
The truth is, you didn't arrive by bird, plane, or Kryptonian. You arrived by:
Ram.And by "ram" I mean "Mommy's magic baby bag."
See, it all started with these brave little tadpoles:
Er...It all started with these brave gigantic tadpoles.
Together the tadpoles ventured through the winding Fallopian Forests of Ovarium, fought the wily Va-dragon, and ultimately joined forces with the mighty She-Ra in the magic baby bag.
At first you were really ugly. Barely even edible, really:
You just floated around, day after day, flicking your fingers.(*flick flick flick*)
So, right armpit during the day, lower hemline at night.
"Eeeaaaaat meeee."Finally the emotional day arrived, and your mother and I were simply overcome at the thought of witnessing such a beautiful spectacle of radiant new life. [sigh]
And then a rainbow shot out of your mom's hoo-haw, tossing you a good 10 feet. Haha! You should've seen it, man. It was awesome!Oh, don't look so worried. You turned out fine.
Thanks to wreckporters Paula L., Elizabeth S., Cariena B., Reed D., Valerie B., Kate M., Ashlee, Amber M., & Anony M., who will never hear "Rainbow Connection" the same way again.
Reader Comments (163)
@Classic Steve... Yeah -- what the heck IS that thing touching the left eyelid? Eewwwwwwwwwww!!! ALIEN!!!!! Who orders these creepy things?
Oh, and "Va-Dragon"!!! LOVE it!!!
...
Is it just me, or are there sperm subliminally placed as cattails on the stork cake?? And speaking of sperm, how DOES one celebrate Sperm Day? Although with sperm that size, the possibilities are severely limited, I suppose...
Thank you. Passing on the tapioca pudding in my lunchbag today.
wv: spoos. No kidding
@Woodelves--you must be new ;)
that plane cake is disturbing--dropping babies from the air--yikes! and it looks so blissfully happy and unaware as it's blonde hair blows in the breeze!
Superman in a star-shaped pool? Happy Birthday indeed!
wow, that Ram cake is special! glad it's pink and not in realistic gory colors with a fetus in it. I'm an Aries, that would work for me actually....
and THANK YOU for installing a rainbow censor mark. that was very considerate (and pretty darn funny)
wv: permy: what Nicole's netherregions look like without the rainbow censor
"Andy by "ram"" ?
The "Ram" cake is actually very well done. Given to someone just finishing say, an OB GYN medical residency, it would be perfect.
As for the rest, well, if I can't say anything nice... actually, I just can't say anything, being now rendered speechless.
Everything makes so much sense now
I so want to see the giant tadpoles slay the va-dragon in the fallopian forests. in animation. friggin hilarious.
Wow oh wow oh wow...gasping for breath...the sperm cake had me giggling...who wants to swallow that....lmao.....then we get to the rainbow push....tears running down my eyes....the people in my office think I have lost my mind :)...
HAHAHA! Love the rainbow coming out of the Hoo Haw shooting the baby 10 feet away! Perfect!
what does wv mean newbie...
oh lands... I'm just going to be grateful for the rainbow which obscured the HooHa quite well...
and those ultrasound cupcakes made me a little ill... or maybe I shouldn't have eaten Twinkies for breakfast...
one or the other.
Ummmm happy sperm day??? that cake looks gross!
Poor Nicole, spread-eagled on the floor looking more like a dead cockroach than a woman in the middle of giving the miracle of life to a new baby.
These are all great examples of what NOT to do. Kind of like every single "Birth" show on cable tv. Shudder.
hahaha! That was HILARIOUS. Way to butcher the miracle of birth YET AGAIN, fine bakers.
Gotta say, the uterus cake is actually really pretty, in a ... gynecological way.
The fetus-cakes, however, are going to make many appearances in my nightmares.
WV: disibonm
Honestly, what goes better on a cupcake than a disibonm-ed fetus head?
@ Anonymous 11:46
"wv" is for Word Verification. It's the word you have to type in to verify that you are not a robot. Sometimes they sound funny enough to create your own word or definition.
I've been traumatized!
Nicoletta(who doesn't have an account and so mysteriously shows up as "anonymous") says: "You make my EVERY day!"
Less than 3
OMG!!! Those are just wrong! That spem cake is disgudting, I mean who in their right mind is gonna waan eat that? Ok, don't answer that.....omg I just grossed myself out.
Oh and those cupcakes with the sonogram pics...no, no, no, How many times can I say no.
My daughters were watching She-Ra right as I was reading this. Awesome.
We're all laughing, but what are the poor guests at these showers doing to avoid insulting the numbskulls who ordered a chidbirth cake and were lucky enough to get exactly what they wanted?
You don't want to know how long it took me to realize the rainbow was a censor mark, and not on the actual cake. My retinas thank you!
WV: spologic. The type of logic used by the people who request these cakes and think they're a good idea. Alternate definitition: an apology (like for one of these cakes) delivered through a burst of laughter.
Thiis is the glowing ad I have above today's post:
"Freshen up in between
with Summer's Eve Feminine Cleansing Cloths"
Really.
Nicole, are you listening?!
WV: mistizes Summer's Eve spray mistizes your hoo-haw to a new level of loveliness.
While the "push Nicole" cake was bad, I am seriously creeped out by the cupcakes. I guess that will help my diet!
Wow these are some awesome cakes. The last one is absolutely hilarious. I always enjoy your posting!! This blog and thecharlottejohn.com blog are my two favs by far.
I love how the baby is being dragged along on the outside of the plane and the "T-Rex" silhouette! The rest are just disturbing and should not be allowed near anything going into my mouth.
My boyfriend did actually arrive on a plane... He wasn't thrown out the door like that poor baby seems to have been though... ^_^
I have read this blog every single day for more than a year now. This post is definitely in the top ten. It's right up there with the promiscuous clowns.
Liz in Seattle
Never Never Never Never! My eyes were burning the whole time. I can't believe people WANT these cakes. You never cease to amaze me on your finds, Jen!
You. Rock.
I officially deem this entry Brilliant!!!
ps. Come to StarFest in Denver! Please?
OK so it's toss up (of my cookies) btw "Push Nicole" (as in PUSH to get you some new friends!), the ginormous SPERM and the actual photo of a fetus on the cakes...yuk too gross!
WHO DOES THIS STUFF????!!!!
I laughed out loud on the last one too. :^)
OMG!!!! I laughed so hard!!! Thank you!!!
I plan to have this conversation from the Simpsons with any child that ever brings up a stork.
Todd: Daddy, was mommy a monkey? I can't remember.
Ned: No one was ever a monkey! Everything is what it was and always will be! God put us here and that's that!
Todd: But you said a stork brought me.
Ned: Uh, that was God disguised as a stork.
Rod: Who brings baby storks?
Ned: There's no such thing as storks! It's all God!
Todd: (praying in front of a statue of a stork) Please bless daddy and mommy...
Ned: Stop praying to that stork!
Conversation by my sons, who were looking over my shoulder at the computer (Note to self: only look at cakewrecks after bedtime)
4yo - Why does that guy have a rainbow coming out of his bottom?
6yo - That's not a guy, its a kangaroo!
And for all of us Leap year babies. we were delivered by Frog, the stork's one day off. Think about it, super sperm looking like tadpoles, totally makes sense now doesn't it?
I'm so glad you shared this, especially since I just found out that I'm expecting again. So now when my two boys ask how this baby got here, I have visuals. lol
I just shared this with a friend who is anxiously awaiting the birth of her third child. Maybe the laughter will get her labor to progress. ;-)
I was waiting for you to finish the story with, and the babies all came riding out on giant carrots.
LOVED the bird cake - but then, I graduated form HS in 1972 >ah-hem!<
IMO - the "push" cake isn't half so disturbing as the fetus-face cupcakes.
Actually....The Superman cake is right on.
I'm a cake decorator myself, and I can tell you, that cake looks exactly like the picture. You can't blame that one on the decorator, you have to blame DC Comics for licensing it to look that hideous, and on the customers who insist on ordering it.
The rest of them are hilarious. = )
The "ram" cake brought back great memories for me. I used to be in the Navy, and my squadron's mascot was the ram. At one time our planes' tail designed looked eerily like that cake. None of the guys who designed it noticed. And they didn't ask any of the girls what it looked like...
~Melissa
I'll be honest. Those three dimensional sperm made my eggs shudder in fear.
So--what did "Push, Nicole" look like WITHOUT the rainbow??? Too horrible to contemplate!! The fetus cakes were disgusting enough!
WV: deless - as in, deless I see of those cupcake debetter!
the US pictures creeped me out! i mean, i have a good 3D pic of my little one, i saved it on the computer because the paper they print it on tends to fade, but i would never put it on cake. for. people. to. eat!
wv: poyaniab. nothing, its just funny
There should be a cake offender registry. Childbirth cakes must be stopped. Do an image search and see the horror for yourselves. Jen is only showing us a fleeting glimpse of the wreckitude.
Um... why is the floating fetus pregnant?
I just had my first ultrasound done last week. So this post hit home. All except for the super creepy cupcakes. That's just gross. But I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Va-dragon....priceless. Thank you Jen!
OMG hilarious! You really outdid yourself with this one, I'm still wiping away the tears of laughter -- and still fighting my gag reflex at the fetus cupcakes, ewwwww!
Holy cow! And I thought the FB profile pics of the sonograms were creepy. Yikes!
The fetus cake, with the tiny arms, and huge abdomen is just wrong, but the fetus cupcakes are so beyond tasteless that I can't think of a word appropriate for this page.
And who knew the Dodge Ram would look so nice in pink?