Who Cut the Cheese?
July 30, 2014 That's right, folks: the day you've been waiting for is finally here. All those hours of planning, long nights of anticipation, and stockpiling of Lactaid pills will finally pay off, because today...is National Cheesecake Day.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Jem," you're thinking - because you frequently get me mixed up with the 80s cartoon rocker - "Jem, how is it even possible to Wreck a cheese cake?"
Why, like this, my adorably confused reader:
;)
[singing] "This-is-how-we-do-it!"
Aww, I see this was taken on my birthday, Mike & Angie. Well, thanks for the thought and all, but that drippy brown splotch has just reminded me: I...uh...don't eat drippy brown splotches. Sorry.
So that's a traditional cheesecake Wreck, but what if I told you it gets even Wreckier?
BEHOLD, THE WEDDING CHEESE CAKE WRECK!!!
;)
Yes, my dear Wreckies, I'm afraid it's true: that is a "cake" made entirely of cheese. And not a sweet cream cheese, either - oh no. I'm talkin' the stuff that gets described with words like "sharp," "green veining," and "stinky feet." And it's a wedding cake.
I wish I could say this is a one-time fluke, but unfortunately wedding cheese "cakes" are a growing trend. They're not in addition to the traditional cake, either; they're in place of it. Meaning there is no actual wedding cake at these weddings - just cheese. Cheese! As if that's an acceptable substitute!
;)
What happened to the time-tested wedding arrangement? You know, the one where we bring expensive linens, crystal, and espresso-makers in exchange for a free meal, a little boozy dancing, and a slice of gorgeously decorated, oh-so-scrumptious cake?
Frankly, it only adds insult to injury when someone tries to "pretty" these things up, too:
;)
Fake flowers and ribbon pinned (yes, pinned) into cheese wheels does not an elegant "cake" make.
Still, nothing's as bad as combining cake, cheese, and a pork pie all into a single display:
;)
The question is, can you tell which layer is which?
Cass J., Anony M., Stella P., & Second Anony., I Camembert it; all the Gouda puns Havarti been used!
*****
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Reader Comments (99)
Something not quite kosher about that last one.
*off to sing and dance to some Montell Jordan*
Do you have any idea HOW MUCH CHEESE is in these? We're talking like 50 pounds of cheese--and some of them look like some fancy $30/pound varieties. And it would take a lot of people to eat that much cheese...
I have always wondered about this... how does the DJ or wedding host make this announcement with a straight face, "and now, the new Mr. and Mrs. Smith ar gound to cut the CHEESE?"....
@mel: For me, it's Mullins Cheese in Knowlton, WI. Nothing beats squeaky cheese curds, except maybe their aged white cheddar
"Who eats cheese for dessert? "
Don't know if you've heard of a little place called EUROPE?
Cheese cakes are awesome. Any decent cheesemonger will supply extra cheeses so there is enough of rack one for everyone and any decent caterer will put the "cake" away at an appropriate temperature once everyone has seen it so it doesn't sweat under the lights. If only the same thing happened to regular wedding cakes.
Sorry Jen, you're wrong on this one.
Horace?!?
ICK!!!!!!!!1
I call shenanigans! Or maybe just deja vu. See, I'm somewhat new to the site, so I've been obsessively reading the archives, and I've seen this post before. It's still funny, though, and worth another look. :) Mmm, cheesecake.
I would totally serve a cake made out of cheese at my wedding, but during cocktail hour. I'd still have to have a real cake (hopefully not a wreck) after dinner, because what's a wedding without all the yummy frosting?
Now please everybody join us as we cut the cheese.
Well, if someone handed me a plate of cheese (especially from the brie "cake") I'd be pretty happy....granted this is probably more for parties than weddings but...I'm kind of into this.
I love me some cake
cheesecake to be sure but not
cheese in place of cake
For your Haiku Joy! :-)
Just looking at all that cheese gives me a stomach ache.
The ones with brie/camembert make me cringe, because if it's solid enough to support the cake integrity, it's not ready to eat anyway.
I hope these cheese 'cakes' were then cut into fancy little cheese platters with crackers and some kind of fruit thing. I mean I guess that still makes it a kind of after-dinner, kind of sweet thing.
Imagine if they'd added "frosting" *shudder*
@CBushLite: I totally agree! I mean, you get a "formal" Wedding Invitation which you must reply to formally by checking the Beef or Chicken box and number of guests either 0 or 1...so in essence, your reply to the Invitation has initiated a contract of sorts: You get to watch a beautiful lady marry her prince, you get to make fun of how poofy the sleeves on the bridemaid's dresses are, you get to say how wonderful the Bride and Groom look together. You bring a gift...said Magic Bullet or Cuisinart...in return for said gift, you get crappy food, cheap champagne, a dj desperate for attention AND tips, and the best part...CAKE.
These people VIOLATED said contract...so yes, let's all take our Magic Bullets and go HOME! <stomping off> harumph!!
Will it count against me if I s
I'm with TLC and MovieMom--no, no, and just NO! Have these people never heard of lactose intolerance? Or ALLERGIES? I would probably start ot wheeze just being in the same room! And I have a friend who just developed a severe dairy allergy. He now gets hives even from just butter. So horribly wrong, let alone just creepy/ugly, which is pretty much CakeWrecks standard.
The decorated cheese looks like it might have been salvaged from a disastrous wedding a few years ago. You know, the groom got cold feet and the father of the bride read somewhere that wedding cake " keeps".
I just have to say, Jen ... it doesn't matter what you write about or what pictures you put up ... every time I visit your site (or your other site, Epbot, for that matter!) I leave happier. *momentary pause to collect myself before I go all crazy fan-girl* You totally make my day better and my life better! Seriously! You're the best! =)
Flipping h*#&, why did they stack cheese on top of each other? Now everything's gonna taste slightly off because it's probably picked up the smell from the other cheeses! I think I'd rather have a stack of cheesecakes instead - or a properly served variety of cheese and crackers.
Alright, when did Sheogorath preside at weddings? I thought that was Mara's bag?
(Skyrim fans feel me.)
@TomK-Do them fancy Europeans really stack various cheeses one on top of the other and display them at wedding receptions? If so, they aint no better than 'Muricans.
That last arrangement is fit for a Game of Thrones wedding. And we all know what happens at *those* . . .
VaBeach alemaP POINTS for the pork pie reference! Greetings from Norfolk! If you think about it, Portsmouth and Norfolk are kind of like A-M. Just not sure which is which.
Also, cake is gross. Says the person who brings her own cheesecake for her birthday to avoid the gross cakes thoughtfully purchased by coworkers. If I ever do get married, I would so have a cheesecake or a cheese cake. Maybe I'll have a gross cake for everyone else.
What about a cinnamon roll cake? Cinnamon rolls are pretty awesome.
Okay, even if the happy couple are both diabetic or just really really like cheese, why would you serve it this way? How long is it going to take them to cut and serve all this cheese? And do they have any bread, crackers, fruit, honey, etc. stashed somewhere to serve with it all? Do they expect thier guests to dig into huge cake-slice sized wedges? And do they think stacking it all up like that looks better than a multi-level serving tray with a lovely cheese arrangment? How do they attack the different flavors/layers?
So many questions. I just don't understand this.
As a life-long cheese lover, I have to say, don't mess with my cake! Cheese is not cake, and while I make a great cheesecake on occasion, nothing replaces real cake.
Yup, I'm a lactophile m'self. I'd rather eat all kinds of stinky cheese -- or nonstinky cheese -- than the enormous gobs of frosting on most wrecks.
Unless, of course, the gobs of frosting are actually buttercream (not that hideous Crisco stuff) because see first sentence.
Cheese? Butter? You got me. Mmmmmmmm.
Or maybe that's MMMMmmmmmmmmooooooo.
Ribbon, posies, fruit.
Dress it up, still wrong - cheese makes
a hideous cake.
@Sharyn: I went to their website, and it looks like they carry a wide variety! However, they do not do mail-order, so it will have to remain a local treat for now. My sisters and I “discovered” the store I mentioned about five years ago on a road trip back to Eau Claire to see if the town had changed during the fifty years we had been gone. Surprisingly enough, it had. The cheese store is rather small and unpretentious, and has some of the best cheese we’ve ever had, not to mention the squeakiest curds (we don’t eat curds that don’t squeak). Its Muenster is amazing, and is a favorite of mine for grilled cheese sandwiches on sourdough bread. This Muenster is so smooth, if you look at it warmly it will start to melt. The store also carries handmade butter, sold in rolls of various weights. It is absolutely delicious! Since we are buying for several families, whenever we go to Cashton, we bring a large cooler and stock up. A side note about Wisconsin butter…. When I was a kid, our family budget did not allow for butter, so we are oleomargarine, or what they now just call margarine. However, at that time it was illegal to sell it colored, so it was sold white in a clear plastic bag – it looked just like a bag of lard. On one side of the bag was a dye capsule. You had to press on it to release the dye into the bag, and then squeeze the bag repeatedly to distribute the yellow color throughout the margarine. Once you did that, you usually cut open the bag and squeezed the now-yellow margarine into another container. I remember one time when some relatives came to visit us from Illinois, and they brought us a whole case of colored margarine. What a treat!
I noticed that there were plenty of cheese puns, and although there were some real gouda ones that made me melt, I think that you were milking it. It is so Jacked up. I am not having a cow about it, but you have to admit that there were some very cheesy ones. I am not trying to be saucy, but you could see the holes right through them! I cheddar to think about them! It makes my stomach churn. My blood is curdling too. Whey to go! Any way you slice it, it stinks.
OK, you got me, I like puns too. This was all bull. But you have to admit, even though I am a bit aged, I shredded the competition!
:)
Ghastly. :p
Even if you are a diabetic, coeliac couple with a cheese fetish, these are horrendous, period.
BTW I have been to two French weddings. Yes, they had the mandatory huge plate of delicious cheeses for dessert. And then they had cake. Because, duh, wedding! Cake!
My guess is that the couple are keto or paleo dieters--no sugar nor flour. I am a low-carber and I eat almost no sugar and precious little flour. That said, there are sugarless cheesecake recipes and the crust can be made out of almond flour or something. Don't make your guests go without the sweet at the end that they expect.
While not quite Sunday caliber, Number Four is quite nice, actually. It looks like fine marble to me.
Aw I had a cheese stack as my wedding cake. We're not just not "cake" people, never have been. Our menu from the venue already included dessert so we weren't going to spend thousands on a wedding cake for people to just not eat it because the dessert was cake enough (lemongrass and chilli white chocolate mousse and little lemon merangues).
To those asking how it gets served/cut, we bought a fancy cheese knife and sliced into the cheese as one would a cake, and we had other cheese knives on the table for guests to help themselves, to whichever layer they preferred (we had 5 types of cheeses, none of them vein cheese though) and we had a selection of crackers and condiments (jellies, figs, grapes, etc) which people could take as well.
Click my name to see the pic :) We stood ours on a cut log, I thought it looked quite tasteful...no pun intended haha :)
mel! That was a wild blast-from-the-past, for me! I remember my Dad telling us kids about the oleomargarine, and their having to food-color it themselves! (Maybe it was during the war?Or the Depression? He was born in 1922.) I've always preferred real butter, but have to watch the old cholesterol. Dad liked saying (with a grin and a wink): "There's always SOMETHING to take the joy out of living!" =^~.-^=
Cake, cheese and a pork pie?
That's a three course meal all in one.
Make them in miniature and serve one to each guest.
Jodee is fun. :-)
EEeeewww. I would not eat from any of those "cakes" I would be afraid I'd get sick.
I think cheese in place of cake is a fine idea - but I agree with another poster, the presentation of these cheeses is awful.
At least 50% of the reason for attending a wedding is the dessert. If I knew ahead of time there would be cheese instead of cake, I'd send a check and wish them well.
@mel ~ I don't remember the non yellow stuff but my mom always called it Oleo. Thanks for that fun little memory or my sweet momma.
Actually, I have one of the cheese wheel cakes booked for my wedding next year (that first one is brilliant).
Every wedding I have been to over the past few years, the slices of traditional wedding cake are usually left to go dry and stale in the corner. Also I see no point in adding wedding cake when you're already serving desserts.
I got the idea when I went to a wedding recently where they had one of these. After the traditional part the "cake" was taken away and brought back on platters with fruit, crackers, quince paste etc. Perfect for that late evening snack in the middle of dancing. And any leftovers can be used for the recovery brunch.
Price wise, I've also found our cheese wheel "cake" will cost a quarter of a traditional cake of the same size.
Maybe it's an Aussie thing, but I'd much rather end the night with a glass of good port and some nice cheese/fruit, than a dry slice of cake that's been sitting out for a couple of hoirs
I've seen some good ones, but they belong as the groom's cake, not the main cake is all.
@Tails: Thank you very much for answering some questions here, and for linking the photo of a nicely done cheese stack. ^_^ The arrangment you described sounds not only workable but very nice. I suppose it gave everyone a little more variety than the usual 'take it or leave it' cake option too. Plus, you did serve a dessert, so no one should have felt too bent out of shape about it.
I don't know. Since I live in a community that believes weddings are only for first-timers who have never made love, but come from a family that believes that "weddings are better when the participants are wiser," we're thinking of doing an April Fools' wedding: meatloaf "cake" with mashed-potato frosting; tromp l'oueil foods that are not what they seem (Which are mostly variants of cake, ice-cream, candy, and pudding anyhow); bride wearing a white dress (with paintball at the reception, of course); etc. Cheese savory "cakes" would be a lovely addition to this, I think.
I wonder if this is a 'cultural difference' thing? I am British and actually, pork pie and cheese and wedding cake would be my idea of a good time. Yes, really. I think that the pork/cheese/cake might be from the UK, it's the jars of Branston Pickle (food of the gods) and Colman's mustard (ditto) that give the game away.
sorry if I've offended anybody with my tastebuds :-)
Um. I think cheese is nice. Fancy. Tasty, could work as cake? Also I may be the only one in the world who thinks the pork pie one looks tasty, perhaps not elegant, but tasty. They also though to include nice mustard. Classy.
I'm guessing the cake is less popular among the many diabetics who may be guests at these weddings.
In the UK these cheese wedding cakes are really popular a cheese board is a staple at any Brit party actually the pork pie is a great addition as are the condiments very rustic!
Lord help me, those cheese-wheel cakes look GOOD!
I'm having a cheese tower at my wedding, but we're putting in effort to make sure it will look good - flowers, crackers, fruits, quince paste, that sort of thing. Why? Well we figured that after canapes, entree, dinner, and a dessert, that supper generally follows. Dessert is already sweet enough, and alcohol goes very well with cheese. Idk, maybe it's different in Australia?