What The Fern?
January 9, 2013 Far be it from me to question the existence of any cake - it's CAKE, after all - but sometimes, when I'm staring with horrified fascination at a spotted vomitous mass one of you found on a display shelf, I have to ask myself: "Hey, what's that little blue duck doing there?"
;)
We may never know what these bakers are thinking/inhaling behind closed bakery doors, of course, but at least their creations make for some fun cake titles!
You know, like:
The Argyle Dog Beat Poet
;)
"WOMAN. Whoah, man. Whoooooah, MAN.
SHE WAS A THIEF.
YOU GOTTA BE LEAF.
SHE STOLE MY HEART AND MY CAT."
[extinguishes cigarette in sponge beard]
What The Fern?
;)
Is it your houseplant's birthday?
Did you forget to order a custom airbrush portrait?
NO PROBLEM.
This bakery's got you covered!
Suckling Pigs Struggle to Stay Afloat While Mama Stares Wistfully at a Trough of Gigantic Candy Corn:
;)
I'm trying to imagine an occasion for this cookie cake that isn't disturbing.
Trying, and failing.
Death By Trash Can (While a Small Penguin Watches):
;)
"Stanley gaped in horror. Someone had thrown away a perfectly good half-jar of mayonnaise! What was the world coming to?!"
(I'm kind of cheating with this one, since it was probably a custom order. Still, it always amazes me when bakeries use stuff like this to advertise on their websites. Just how big of a market IS there for dead bodies sticking out of trash cans, anyway? Or do I not want to know? o.0)
Of course, even when you do know what the baker was thinking, that's still no guarantee the wreck will make any more sense.
What's that? You want an example?
Aw, I thought you'd never ask.
Sarah T. asked for her wedding cake to look like a mountain, and with a climbing rope tied at the base to signify "tying the knot."
She got this:
;)
Great yodeling lederhosen!!
I will never look at moldy chunks of insulation or albino ears the same way again.
Thanks to Stephen O., Viola D., Jill N., Christy E., Eva F., and Sarah T. for the excuse to use the words "yodeling lederhosen" together. Life achievement, unlocked!
Reader Comments (91)
That carabiner looks like an ear!
@Craig: No pain. Actually, I feel better. Stronger. Faster than before. I feel like a million bucks, or six perhaps.
#1: The green Teletubby has the poo-pox and his tummy TV has gone all red with fever. The duck is simply an odd scar. He could have had it healed, but, as we all know, scars can come in handy. I have one myself on the back of my left knee that is a perfect map of the Metrolink system. (Hint: 'Decorator's Choice' means, "We don't know what the heck it is supposed to be, either!")
#2: *snaps fingers instead of clapping*
#3: An extreme close-up of an angry orange Moogle?
#4: Those candy corns aren't for eating! They are flotation devices. Candy corns float, as do very small rocks.
#5: With that penguin looking at all the trash, this cake reminds me of the commercial with the Native American crying at litter. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4ozVMxzNAA
#6: That is either the world's smallest 'mountain' or the world's largest 'rope'. I think someone needs to call Guinness (not the beer people).
@Haiku Joy: I'm synchronizing my watch.........Now.
@mel-Crazy, man. Just crazy...
The moldy bits on that last cake look like cosmetic sponges. Or art sponges. In any event they look like one of the tools you use to paint with. Can't imagine those are terribly tasty.
"Girls in cartoo-ins leave me in ruins. I want to be Betty's Barney."
So I Married and Axe Murderer....excellent reference.
"Helloooo....I ordered a large."
These are all...well, hideous, mostly, but entertaining! LOL I gotta wonder if the trash can cake is a groom's cake...although I can't figure out the penguin reference. Maybe the groom is a caretaker at the penguin house at the local zoo. Yeah, that's the ticket! Hahahahahahahahahaha (see what my mind gets up to when I'm home sick???)
OT, just ordered my own George plushie :D
I never got over laughing from the So I Married an Axe Murderer quote....
hey, here's a fun fact: that crazy dog-like thing (are that sun-glasses?) is colored just like the bavarian flag. Maybe it's supposed to be one of the lions from the coat of arms of bavaria? (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bavaria)
the "dog" in combination with the mountain an the "jodel-Lederhose" (I don't really get the joke, but you americans are right: the rest of germany laughs at the bavarians and their fashion and funny words , too) is quite hilarious...
greetings and good night from germany (the northern part, far away from mountains or "Yodeling lederhosen"
The beat poet cake looks too perfect to not be intentional. I'm going out on a limb here and say that it is actually a LION (symbol of the Munich beer Lowenbrau) and it's covered in the blue and white diamonds of the Bavarian flag. Possibly for some rabid fan of FC Bayern.
hey, here's a fun fact: that crazy dog-like thing (are that sun-glasses?) is colored just like the bavarian flag. Maybe it's supposed to be one of the lions from the coat of arms of bavaria? (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bavaria)
the "dog" in combination with the mountain an the "jodel-Lederhose" (I don't really get the joke, but you americans are right: the rest of germany laughs at the bavarians and their fashion and funny words , too) is quite hilarious...
greetings and good night from germany (the northern part, far away from mountains or "Yodeling lederhosen"
That beat poet dog is my new spirit animal!
I want to make an hommage to that piggy family but i don't know if candy corn is available in this part of the world.
"Death By Trash Can (While a Small Penguin Watches)" is the best title for a modern art oevre ever. although it makes me picture a incomprehensable scribble and its artist who just went: there! that's another scribble done! and now for a clever title.. hmm.. death and thrashcans are edgy, so let's use that! but we should juxtapose it with something cute and snuggly.. like baby penguins! ha, now it's even edgier! man, i'm good!
and now i feel like doing an interpretive dance with that title. the artistic juices are just flowing within me tonight!
and mel, that was beautifully put! imma be offering offerings to the incarnated fern-gods of my office tomorrow!
Did anyone else notice the rope/chain thingie coming out of the TOP of Sarah T's cake? I think it got a look in the mirror and committed suicide by hanging. Which is the only gallant option. It looks like they ripped up a bunch of over-the-counter angel food cakes and---WAIT A MINUTE! WAS SANDRA LEE INVOLVED WITH THIS CREATION?!?
Just think if that rope/noose is to scale how large the mountain should actually be!
The carabiner looks like a calamari ring.
that is no pom i have ever seen
@mel ~ I think all of them with the possible exception fo the Death by Trash Can and maybe the pigs, could have come from a Medical Marijuana Dispensary/Bakery in Washington too. Either way, I'd like to know that the wreckorater was on when they chose that first one. Blech...
Haiku Joy ~ I was thinking maybe you were giving a test so had time to play with us today. :)
@Sharyn ~ I'm with mel, do you sleep???
@ Sharyn: Another masterpiece.
@ Haiku Joy: I promise to send a rescue dog for you, if needed. It will definitely have a barrel of brandy around its neck, unless you prefer another libation. Please let me know so I can prepare accordingly. I also promise it will NOT be an argyle dog.
The "mountain" cake is most baffling of all. I would love to hear some baker present this to Buddy on "Cake Wars" as their masterpiece, and listen to Buddy and his sisters/cousins/co-workers tear it apart.
#1 Looks more like a dodo than a duck. Perhaps that is the last of them. Now it makes sense (to me, anyway).
#2 This one, while certainly still a wreck, is well-executed. [Scratches a cat's ear right there while touring The Bunker resort and spa*.] Perhaps the baker / customer / submitter will grace us with the back story. Please? :-)
#3 Is this a 'what they got' that didn't make the cut? If so, what on Earth was the original?
#4 A substantial amount of effort went into making this, so the explanation must be similarly labor-intensive. Perhaps someone, somewhere, is gaming us, chuckling their little wreckerator laugh between shouts of "Revenge! Sweet revenge is mine!! I've flummoxed them all!!!"
#5 Warner Brothers' purchase of the Hitchcock film library (legal notice: Not Really) may prove to have been a major mistake. Witness this still from the forthcoming 'Happy Foot'.
#6 Vague descriptions lead to unintended consequences. But I wouldn't want the baker to be taken for granite, so I'll just say, "this cake rocks!"
*Theardare has graciously provided general access passes to The Bunker for all CW commenters, in recognition of their advanced awesomeness. He thought it was time to relax in style when Epcots threaten, instead of crouching in a concrete blockhouse. Share and Enjoy. (Note: that does not mean he has relaxed his guard, so just...you know, don't.)
Don't worry, Haiku Joy, we'll be there for ya! Good luck getting those whipper snappers to write *real* papers & use proper grammar. May I suggest The Amazing Pop-Up Grammar Book by Maizels?! :-) (She & her co-author have a whole series & it's terrific! There's one for punctuation, too.) Perhaps if wreckerators had one of each, plus the requisite dictionary, there would be vastly fewer wrecks than there are today...
Ah, is #4 an homage to a 4-H project? That's all I can think of.
For the piggies I thought the candy corn would put the occasion around Halloween, so I wondered whether someone ordered a treat for Samhain and got a phonetic equivalent: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samhain
Despite my not-at-all improper fondness for proper spelling / grammar / punctuation, the wrecks must go on!
Looks like mountain-cake-girl got exactly what she asked for, which is perhaps the most fitting punishment for the departure into "creativity." My own curmudgeonly response would have been, "No, you don't. You're getting a white cake with flowers on it. Stop messing with your family and grow up." But then, I'm a mean old man.
The "Death by Trashcan" made me think of Better Off Dead: "That's a real shame when folks be throwin away a perfectly good white boy like that."
I particularly love the fact that you quoted So I married an Ax Murderer. I think the world would be a better place if that movie was more quoted. =)
Pretty sure that "fern" is meant to be a pineapple. Doesn't take away from the cake wreckyness, though. Haha!
1- is that a chocolate covered Cheerio by the blue duck? (what the duck?)
2- that's clearly an argyle dog and not a lion dog but the big eyes, funky nose and wooly beard made me think of the Cowardly Lion. (what the fringe?)
Also, axe murderers rule.
3- that's a potato that's sat too long on the counter and sprouted (what the frond?)
4- Wilbur's earliest memories (what the pleats?)
5- NOTHappy Feet (what the foot?)
6- why are there cotton balls in this photo? o.O (what the peak?)
(stern voice) Haiku Joy, if you go missing again I'm sending Theardare! humph
I want The Argyle Dog Beat Poet. I want it as a cake but, more importantly, I want the model as a pet.
Please! I would be very nice to it.
"Better Off Dead"! Great movie Melanie!
Yikes. What on earth was that first one supposed to be? All I can see is globs of poo. And that argyle dog is hysterical. Whoever ordered it bravo.. I think. At least it doesn't look demon possessed.
Jane! Scrape me off this crazy cake-- called LIFE!
I feel so at home on Cake Wrecks... it's so rare to find people who will loathe grammatical errors AND recognize So I Married An Axe Murderer quotes all in the same place. Most of my peers just slowly back away when I yell "HEAD - down, now! It's like an orange on a toothpick!" They just don't get me like the Jen and the CW Commenters [Band Name - called it!]
*Happy Sigh*
Ok, I totally cracked up when I saw the "guy in a garbage can" cake, because I thought, " There is someone out there that this makes sense for". Earlier in my pregnancy, I had to make a trip to the ER. As I sat waiting with my husband, a man came in with bleeding gashes on his face. ( I want to pause and mention that this was around 4 pm on a Tuesday, not 1 am Saturday night or anything.) Everyone in the waiting room couldn't help but overhear him loudly recount his woeful tale of being "attacked by a garbage can". (I was immediately glad that I was able to leave my 4 year old with a friend, because no one should be subjected to that brand of crazy. He also said he was going to be on the phone to a lawyer "first thing in the morning" to "find out who he could sue about this".)
I imagine that could have been a "Get Well Soon" cake for the garbage can victim.
I showed this to my SO, his reaction to the mountain cake:
"It looks like the cake tried to hang itself with strands of dog ****."
Erm...now that's all I see...
"Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that."
I'm way behind in my Cake Wrecks reading and catching up tonight. However belated, I HAVE to compliment you on quoting the best movie poetry of all time from "So I Married an Axe Murderer." It's one of the things my husband and I most enjoy quoting! Kudos to you!
The title of the pig cake and then the small penguin trash can made me laugh so hard. Thanks!
OMG -Woman! U know what Argyle Dog Beat Poet is missing? A Campbells Cup-o-chino and a really huge, oversized poster of Atlantic City, oh wait, he has one! (If you get it, great! If you don't, then SHAME ON U)
Tying the knot? Looks more like tying the noose…
What's with the bag of cotton balls behind the mountain?