Two Steps Forward And Three Wrecks Back
May 24, 2012 When I first took up arms against the dreaded cupcake cake [patooie!] so many years ago, I never dreamed I would have such an impact on our nation's baked goods. Why, with the help of you readers, I've managed to rip back the curtain of Big Frosting's corporate deception and ineptitude, and reveal the fuzzy, sugar-crusted, frosting-smeared private parts of inhuman indecency.
;)
INHUMAN INDECENCY.
After years of our virtual spitting and no-holds-barred, blistering mockery, I'm happy to report that bakeries have finally begun changing their evil CCC ways.
Granted, it's to stuff that's way worse, but still. Let's focus on the positive here.
For example, this is NOT a cupcake cake:
;)
It's a "baked mountain." Or BM, for short.
Now, is it even messier than a CCC - something they said could never be done?
Yes.
Is it repulsive enough to have been assembled by a drunken yak?
Yes. Is it STILL not enough frosting?
HECK YEAH!
I MEAN, NO. I MEAN, YES, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH FROSTING.
(THAT WAS A VERY HARD QUESTION TO ANSWER WITH A SIMPLE YES OR NO.)
Ahem.
Enter the "Brownie Dipper."
;)
It's a quart of frosting with a dash of sprinkles and brownie bites mixed in.
COWER AND WEEP, YE INSOLENT MASSES!
COWER... AND WEEP!
Because a brownie without frosting is like stick butter that hasn't been deep fried.
And also: 'MURRICA!
Now, I don't know about you, but I often think back to my poor, deprived childhood, back when gingerbread cookies didn't come with a half-inch layer of buttercream and freakish plastic flotsam heads.
;)
I'm actually tearing up a little.
But you're probably wondering, "Gee, Jen, what ELSE could bakers cram together and cover in enough frosting to make my pancreas self-implode from mere proximity?"
I'm glad you asked.
How about cinnamon buns?
;)
...shaped like the Lombardi trophy?
Um...
Hang on a sec.
[googling "Lombardi Trophy"]
Ah.
BWAHAHAHAAAA!!!
(P.S. - I know nothing about sports, but even *I* can tell that thing is a puddle of Terminator.)
Still, those buns have a few frosting-free spots on them. Can't have that, now, can we?
;)
Say hello to my new favorite pyramid scheme!
I'd also like to note that this Baked Mountain is really living up to its initials.
Still, you know what we really REALLY need? Donuts...in the shape of a dragon. With bacon. And more frosting. And more bacon. And a creepy skeleton wedding topper.
Yeah. That would be pretty epic, alright.
[whistling innocently]
;)
On the one hand, I am deeply ashamed that this exists in our society today.
On the other...
DIBS ON THE TAIL.
Thanks to Kelly M., Bethany T., Jenn B., Kimberly, Karen F., and Tim & Angella D. for revealing my secret shame.
Reader Comments (113)
#1 Meh. Kinda tame, especially compared to what follows. Sure, it bends the concept of the 'no-mess', everyone-gets-the-same-portion ethos that is the classic CCC (especially the no-mess part), but...fern. My train of thought derailed into a mountain of doughnuts.
#2 Not better. Not at all. Blue? Green??? I think pictures of the, er, aftermath should be sent to the wreckorator (who would probably think it was 'cool' and / or fail to see the problem). Especially when the color metabolizes to something totally unexpected, resulting in an unnecessary trip to the ER in the middle of the night, where everyone on staff then gets to have the best laugh in the history of time.
#3 Are we sure the 'Brownie Dipper' is made with frosting and not Cheez Wiz?
#4 Wreckorators simply do not get the concept of the gingerbread man. ('Hope for Humanity' meter now pegging on zero...)
#5 We all know what this is. Somewhere, under all that metallic frosting, lurks not one, but two...king cakes.
#6 Those poor doughnuts -- what did they ever do to anyone? The remainder of my comments on this would have dissolved into 'om nom nom' but for the appetite-eliminating effect of the tile in the background.
#7 At first, I was all, 'What the fern?' then I was like, 'hmm -- has possibilities'. Finally, I thought that Voodoo needs to be a nationwide chain -- they can open their first out-of-state store near me.
What's the deal with the ice cream cone positioned by the dragon's mouth?
DO NOT KNOCK THE BACON MAPLE DONUTS until you have tried them.
Mmmmmmmmmmm
I would marry my maple bacon donut if I could.
Each day is a battle to not buy one, so I will not be morbidly obese before I turn 30.
Mmmm Maple and Bacon !!!!!!!!
YUm.
That dragon/bacon cake? I'd eat that.
I've had maple/bacon doughnuts that were to DIE for! Yum!
@Sharyn XD
If it's all the same to you, I'd rather NOT enter the "Brownie Dipper"...
About the fifth cake:THAT IS NO EARTHLY THING!!!!!!!
I think the donut mountain was inspired by struffoli, but they're usually tiny!
Why is it that all I focused on in the gingerbread picture was the demented homicidal Elmo cookie above the clown?
I was OK until I got to the demented Elmo then I felt my jaw drop lower and lower until the last picture. Stunned. Absolutely stunned.
Nope, I'm pretty sure the bacon dragon is smoking a doob. Hope he doesn't get the munchies for bacon.
First off... when reading the description on facebook and here, I thought you had said "brownie diaper" which made me thing of the "poopy diaper game" (http://baby-shower.yeahbaby.com/game.php?page=103)
Secondly, the gingerbread cookie top right... Scarey Elmo?
Ok, Voodoo does make a mean doughnut. Just visiting their shop is a trippy experience. In all honesty, I would expect nothing less than that funky dragon for their version of a wedding cake. They do, afterall, have a creation called Cock and Balls. Just GUESS what tha looks like. The tip is dripping cream. My sister actually blushed when she saw that in the case....
@Sharyn -- everything is cool and froody. Theardare is just having one of his moods -- he is a cat, after all.
I don't argue with a cat who packs heat -- I just stay out of his way for a while.
By the way: LOL!
Do people really buy piles of baked goods swaddled in horrible store-bought "frosting"? I'm completely mystified. And horrified. And disgusted.
I really need to read this site whenever I'm getting a sugar craving. Instant appetite-killer. The Cake Wrecks Diet Plan?
PS I call epcot on that voodoo donut place...
The "Lombardi Trophy" looks like it's covered with aluminum roof coating.
There is a Voodoo Donuts in San Jose too. My son's favorite is the "Cereal Killer".
Whoops, my mistake. Psycho Donuts is the one in San Jose. Similar theme.
I was ok until the dragon. At least the other ones looked somewhat edible. The dragon thing is just gross. Bacon? Seriously? GROSS.
I read "brownie diaper" too---in all 3 places. And seriously, it could go for the filling of those dreadful diaper commercials. Eww. Just eww.
I would destroy that brownie dipper. Nom.
Seriously! This is the funniest one yet!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for writing these! They make my day!
Dear Lord Jen! You need to give VooDoo Donuts some acknowledgement here or you're going to have a West Coast Epcot on your hands!
The magic is in the hole. . .
I thought the Turkey Gingerbread Cookie was kind of cute. I wouldn't eat it, but of all the wreckage here today, I think it's the least wrecky.
I shouldn't have googled Voodoo Doughnuts though, now I wish we had one here.
I might be a bit biased, but I vote for the clown cake as the scariest Wreck of them all. As the daughter of a clown, it probably comes from the fact that everyone else at school thought that I grew up in a circus tent, figured that I painted over my red nose every morning, and knew that my first job was working in a clown store. But, seriously?! What did a clown ever do to you to make all depictions of clowns have to be so scary? I'm curious.
Ok, show's over. *Hops off magic truck and returns to making balloon animals.*
I am terribly sorry but I don’t buy that the “sweet and salty” mixture is some sort of delicious taste sensation. The bacon-topped dragon cake is seriously tripping my gag reflex right now, file alongside chocolate-covered potato chips.
I need to thank you, fellow readers, for narrowing down my daughter's college search. She's now hoping to go "somewhere near Portland."
@Sharyn: "Smearplops rolling down my cupcakes," is now my favorite line from any song ever written (and I'm a fan of Cole Porter.)
Cupcakes and doughnuts are one thing, but cinnamon buns??? Sweet, wonderful cinnamon buns? What did they ever do to deserve that?
That last one is Voodoo Doughnuts in Portland, OR! It's not a finger, it's a "maple blunt."
I call the SEVERED FINGER (next to the Dragon-Baconator)!!!
;)
How in the world did they get the frosting to be silver? And why would you want to eat anything that colour?
Chocolate-covered potato chips. OM NOM NOM...
Those gingerbread kids would've given me nightmares if my parents had ever handed me something like that.
And about that dragon...I think the light brown "frosting" is peanut butter. As much as I like the individual ingredients (Yummm, bacon!) combining them sounds truly terrible.
I would totally eat that bacon smeared dragon of epcotty goodness. Mmmm, bacon. Mmmm, maple. Mmmmmmmmmm.
Other than that, yuck. Yuck to the crisco frosted horror show that came before the doob smoking dragon of awesomeness.
Is it bad that I'm hungry now? I think it's bad..... crap.
Thank you, Aliza - now that the emergency broadcast system has been activated, we can head for the bunker.
As long as the dragon can come, too. (what the heck?)
I believe the dragon is from Voodoo Doughnuts on Portland, Oregon. It's baked with a tiny plastic baby dragon inside. Whoever breaks a tooth on it has to buy the next rasher of bacon.
BACON!!!!!! BAAAACOOOON!!!
With enough bacon the family won't know you forgot to pick up dinner or that you spent the money on your frosting addiction!
Now that Dragon is clearly the mighty TROGDOR! TROOOOGDOOOOR!!!!!!!! trying hide so he can get away from all his obsessed fans and have a moment of peace.
Is the Lombardi trophy covered in J-B weld?
The brownie dipper really DOES look like they used Cheez Whiz.
The silver concoction looks like a mushroom cloud after a nuclear explosion.
@Marnie - have you ever tried bacon and peanut butter sandwiches? Mmmmmm.!
Anna N: Trogdor! Hee!
@ michelej: If the dragon comes to the bunker, maybe Theardare will behave.
1. Melted dead-clown snowman with a banana for a mouth.
2. It's not really a BM until there's some squeeze cheese on top!
3. What does it say about me that I had to Google 'MURRICA'?
4. No, clowns are not scary enough. Let's make some clown gingerbread men with tiny shrunken heads. There! Thaaaat's better.
5. Huh. I was thinking something terrible had happened to Norrin Radd's surfboard.
6. "Okay! I've got five doughnuts done! How many more do we need?"
"It took you 20 minutes to ice FIVE doughnuts?! Nevermind, just stack them, pour the icing on top and throw some sprinkles on it! Then, leave them next to the filthiest tile wall you can find until the customer comes to collect them. Perfect!"
7. *whistling innocently* indeed.
Gack, I can't even offer an intelligent comment, as I'm too busy cowering and weeping.
Bacon. It's what's for breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. And snacks. And emergency survival rations in the Bunker. Goes great with doughnuts from some place in the Pacific Northwest, the name of which I can't recall. Maybe someone out there knows?
Since everyone else on the planet is bringing bacon and maple bars, I'll bring the chocolate-covered potato chips.
@DB -- this week-end I'll be in Mason City, Iowa, home of Meredith Willson, who wrote "The Music Man." There's a delightful scene where the Mayor's wife and her friends perform a dance based on the poem "Ode to A Grecian Urn." I printed out the poem, wondering if it would lend itself to parody, gave it a glance, and put it aside. Then today I saw your work and re-read the poem. You have nailed it, DB -- it's perfect! An excellent, outstanding job! A standing ovation to you! Bravo!
@Sharyn -- and the hits keep on coming! You are, without a doubt, one of the most creative, clever wordsmiths I have never met! You are Awesome!!
@john (thoj) please put a clickable "Awesome!!" button after Sharyn's posts....wait....just put "Awesome!!" after her posts....
@Craig -- I know what you mean. I'm being shunned by an tabby right now. (At least he's unarmed. Of course, since I named him Inigo, his weapon of choice is a sword.)
@DB -- I second what mel said -- that was amazing, and a tremendous amount of effort. Bravo.
@mel -- (Blush. ) You flatter me. It means a lot from a master of epic posts like you.
I think I got diabetes from just seeing these....
This has got to be the most disgusting set of "cakes" I have ever seen. Just looking at the gobs of frosting makes me want to throw up. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? Obese nation indeed! Oh yeah...and hideously ugly.
Melted Terminator? Hmmm....See, I'm thinking more like mercury covered mushroom cake. That thing looks like something you'd get in an extra secret bonus round of Super Mario Brothers Cake Capers (or insert ridiculous video game title here). I feel a power up coming on!
Ok now I want a piece of that evil dragon lol. I have never been to Voodoo donuts and I must go soon. As for the rest of these scary wrecks.. wreckerators stop making clowns of any shape or form. You are going to scare me silly one day and I will go insane and frost you all lol. Then again being wreckerators they might like the frosting..oh dear.
I......I.....I thought you were joking............I.....didn't see the pic.....I read it...and....then I saw it.....gonna lie down now.......
"Still, you know what we really REALLY need? Donuts...in the shape of a dragon. With bacon. And more frosting. And more bacon. And a creepy skeleton wedding topper."
OK, so it's 2 a.m. Central time on Friday 5/25. I have spent 12+ hours over the past 2 days creating a photo show for my Web site with a program that PROMISES to work in everything: all browsers, IE8, iPad, etc. And now that I did all that work, of course, it doesn't work.
So I came to the Cake Wrecks blog for comfort, and solace, and maybe some humor before I went to bed. OMG! I have been laughing so hard I was afraid I would wake up my 17-year-old son, who can sleep through tornadoes.
Sharyn: You have taken one of my favorite annoying songs and totally enhanced it. You are true frosting on the cake!
I thought I was going to pee my pants when I saw that Lombardi trophy. I don't know how you pregnant women make it through this blog!
And the dragon: Now I simply must have a road trip to Oregon to check out VooDoo donuts. Do they ship?
Thank you, everyone, for your posts/comments. You have saved the day! Well, you AND the wine. ;-)