Let's Get Physiological

Gather 'round, my child, and I'll tell you a tale.

A tale...of where you came from.

Now, there are a lot of theories out there about how new babies get here.

Some say it's a bird:

...in a trippy oil painting from the 70s.

Some say it's a plane:

"Geronimooooo!"

And some say it's Superman:

Which, if you think about it, makes about as much sense as the stork.

These are all lies.

And I think it's high time you learned the truth.

The truth is, you didn't arrive by bird, plane, or Kryptonian. You arrived by:

Ram.

And by "ram" I mean "Mommy's magic baby bag."

See, it all started with these brave little tadpoles:

Er...

It all started with these brave gigantic tadpoles.

Together the tadpoles ventured through the winding Fallopian Forests of Ovarium, fought the wily Va-dragon, and ultimately joined forces with the mighty She-Ra in the magic baby bag.

(This is all true.)

And that was the beginning of you!

At first you were really ugly. Barely even edible, really:

You just floated around, day after day, flicking your fingers.

(*flick flick flick*)

If you're curious where on your mom you were, here's a handy diagram:

So, right armpit during the day, lower hemline at night.

Over time you grew bigger and bigger, and soon your wee little face was scaring the crap out of all our friends:

"Eeeaaaaat meeee."

Finally the emotional day arrived, and your mother and I were simply overcome at the thought of witnessing such a beautiful spectacle of radiant new life. [sigh]

And then a rainbow shot out of your mom's hoo-haw, tossing you a good 10 feet. Haha! You should've seen it, man. It was awesome!

Oh, don't look so worried. You turned out fine.

Thanks to wreckporters Paula L., Elizabeth S., Cariena B., Reed D., Valerie B., Kate M., Ashlee, Amber M., & Anony M., who will never hear "Rainbow Connection" the same way again.

Comments

[Susan Kane]

Oh, my. I thought I had seen everything. I was doubled over (not in childbirth or anything) laughing. You are too good. Thanks. Susan

[furpurrson]

Now that I've had some time to think it over, I don't blame the Wreckerators for these horrors. After all, they're just trying to earn a living, even if that means they sometimes have to do things they wish they could turn down... no, I blame the customers, who were apparently brought up with no clue about good taste. Come to think of it, maybe I need to blame THEIR parents.

Either way, I would run screaming from the room if anyone presented me with one of these cakes!

[Anonymous]

The rainbow is something else, but at least it discreetly covers the hoo-ha.

The 3-D ultrasound pictures screened on to the cupcakes, on the other hand, are the worst thing I've seen today, and I've been to regretsy already.

[Heidi D]

flick flick flick. HA HA HA HA! (wiping tear) Thanks for doing what you do.

There was a Yahoo article about the fact that adults don't laugh enough and it affects their health. They need a prescription of Cake Wrecks.

[kittymom]

Sex-ed in junior high school was never this funny!

[Jenny]

But the rainbow is photoshopped, it's not part of the cake.

[Ellen]

I may never sleep - or eat - again.

Those cupcakes . . . the "push" cake . . .EEEEEEEEE!

[Anonymous]

I was fine. (Fine + slightly weirded out.) Until I came to the last cake. I now have tears streaming down my face and I am trying to silence the giggles!!! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING????? Inappropriate, yes! Funny as all get out, completely!!!

[Julie the Nerd]

That ram?uterus Cake looks like a pink version of my college's mascot..... I will never be able to even feign school pride again....

[Heidi]

The one that says "welcome to the world" looks like that T-Rex with the tiny arms from that one kids movie...

[Anonymous]

The foetus one reminds me of Mr. Burns. Eeeexxellent!

[Nina Oney]

That was too funny. Very good work. Loved the push Nicole cake. As for the haters.....You know it was good so just eat it!! haha Nina

[Anonymous]

I am seriously going to be telling this version to my kids instead. :D