The Displays That Time Forgot
November 20, 2008 Some people would have you believe that bakeries should update their window display cakes at least once a year or so. To this I say "pish tosh"! Why, check out these stellar examples, still sellin' the goods 10, even 15 years after they were made!
Wow, I don't know about you guys, but I am just itching for some cake right now. Or maybe just itching. Is that blood? Sweet!
(And before you ask, yes, I DO feel rather silly for censoring plastic boobs. Happy?)
Ah, nothing captures the essence of celebration quite like crumbling moldy icing and decapitated clown heads, am I right or am I right? Those customers will be pouring in any second now, I'm sure.
Or how about this one, sure to entice all the would-be brides out there:
Just ignore that fly on the top tier; he's been stuck there for a few weeks now, so we're pretty sure he's dead. Oh, and the flowers?
We call that color "perfect patina". It was inspired by the rusting water pipes in our basement. The dust really completes the look, don't you think?
Here's another one for the happy couple on their Big Day:
Ok, so the bride and groom's eyes have melted down their faces, and his hand has made a break for it down his leg. (Heh - "made a break for it") Even so, I have no doubt that the overall design of the bride huffily facing away from the groom and with her bags packed down below is a top seller.
UPDATE: Some of you have asked if all of these came from the same bakery. Nope! This lovely assortment represents *three* separate bakeries, and I believe all of them were open for business at the time. Ain't it great?
Thanks to Wreckporters Extraordinaire Monique R. and Melissa J.!
Reader Comments (164)
Those cakes are terrible, especially that one with the crap colored flowers. who would even want to buy that or better yet...eat it.
Good Lord! Is that a cake depicting a devastating account of clowns stuck in a mudslide?!
(And before you ask, yes, I DO feel rather silly for censoring plastic boobs. Happy?)
Then please stop. There is nothing here that needs censoring and you have never posted one that did. Censoreship is wrong and these are just cakes. Let it go and just post them in all their horrifying glory.
These are so gross! They make me want to never eat cake again! Well, of course, until tonight when I'm with my girlfriends at a holiday boutique... But no cake for at least a few hours!
Those cakes give me the shivers. :(
Ew, ew, and more ew.
It's a Boozy Bimbo on the Beach! And it is oddly fascinating to me.
Is it supposed to be gold, and is that because the plastic sex bomb is meant to be sitting on a beach? The little plastic palm tree is suggestive of that interpretation, and there appears to be writing in the 'sand' too (though I can't tell what it says, and maybe it's graffiti -- you know, like "wash me" on a dirty car window). But then: Pink roses?
Or was it originally all pink, which has just gone brown and dusty with age? In which case: Plastic palm tree?
Furthermore: Why does the "invitingly" posed plastic sex bomb have only ONE wineglass? And, for that matter, why is the wineglass larger than the wine bottle? Or is that a whole empty bottle?!
Is there any explanation for this bizarre justaposition of objects? Probably not, but I can't help trying to figure it out!
doesn't the first one kind of look like sand was dumped on it?
*shudders* Oh, and the clowns on the second seriously give me the willies...they look like they're dead!
Ewwwwww! Where's the health dept. when you need them?
EW! Isn't this forbidden or something? Don't you have a health authority that checks on food stores?
Our fillings are: Botulism, e-coli and ebola. Guaranteed to cleanse your colon and end your life. Additional flies are extra.
We'll even video tape you in your death throes for posterity. Questions or comments may be referred to management. Oh wait, they accidentally had cake for desert last night.
Is it wrong that I find the faceless bride and groom fascinating? That's the kind of cake you'd see at the creepiest wedding in the world ...
And what possible, possible occasion would need the first cake? Is there some strange public holiday that I don't know about, 'Go get naked and drunk on the beach' Day? Who would order that, and why???
Ewwww, the close-up of the wedding cake flowers made me heave! That's just disgusting!!! Ewwwwwwww!
that is just gross!
word verification- quing
Those cakes are definatly very quing
Oh dear God. I gagged a little reading this. Truly.
Is there something written in the "sand" on the first cake or is it just me? It looks like it says "Help" o.o
That clown cake reminds me of "It" by Stephen King.
Creepy.
It's Miss Havisham's wedding cake!!!!
I think that first one is for a wife making a suggestion to her husband. Maybe that lady isn't getting enough action! (She is living on a desereted beach you know.) Okay in reality, why would you even order that cake even if it wasn't 100 years old???? lol
I know I've seen that first one somewhere else--isn't it quite literally an antique cake, as in one someone for serious brought into Antique Roadshow? Because I know I've seen it before. Maaaan, now this is gonna bug me.
If it is, in fact, an antique cake, I don't feel right picking on it. That's like making fun of my grandmother's dress; sure, it might not be fashionable, but it's old. It deserves some respect. D:
Those flowers are actually disgusting.
Thank you for helping me with my diet. Everytime I crave cake, I will think of those pictures.
I love the Miss Havisham cake, with the fake plastic fly and the cocoa dust and cookie crumb flyspecks! Oh...wait...those are the real deal? Awesome!
I would also love to walk into the bakery and demand the Clowns On A Corroded Bronze Parade Float Cake just like they have in their window. It reminds me of the "totally metal" birthday cake from Metalocalypse, where the frosting was actually made from mercury.
Even a cupcake cake, freshly made, would be better than these.
My husband says the last picture is a Mr Bill (and Mrs Bill) cake. Ohhhhh nooooo....
I'm thoroughly disgusted. Moldy cakes still on display? NAAAASSSTTTYYY
I don't know if someone already mentioned this but that second cake looks like something Mrs. Haversham would have. I hope people who order from this cake shop don't have Great Expectations.
Oops, I think I said the second cake, I meant the wedding cake with the nasty "patina".
Ewwww, those melty eyes are straight out of a horror movie. The "patina" is just gross
Holy smokes, batman!
Thank God for digital cameras and the ability to put together picture books of cakes instead of leaving relics lying around for potential customers.
Seriously, what do they put on these things to preserve them? Just nasty!
I'm getting married soon and will die if my cake resembles any of those. The tops ones are horrible, bleh!
Ewwwwwww
Jen - no need to feel embarrassed about censoring the plastic boobs. You've chosen to create a "PG" rated blog, and done a great job of it, too. It's certainly nothing the FCC (don't pronounce THAT phonetically!) doesn't do all the time. It wouldn't surprise me if more than half of the boobs THEY'VE censored at one time or another were plastic, but that's probably a subject for a different blog... ;-)
Ick! Everybody else has said it all in the previous comments.
This post would have been good for Halloween. There is something deeply haunting and morose about these cakes, especially the wedding ones. The moldy one reminds me of the character in "Great Expectations" that hasn't taken off her wedding dress in decades, still waiting for her groom.
These cakes are like an Edgar Allan Poe story, or a Radiohead song in cake form.
I'm going to close all the shades and cry in bed now.
Anyone else reminded of "Great Expectations" and Miss Havisham's moldering wedding feast?
There have been other CW posts that have made me think 'You have GOT to be kidding'. But this one...YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING!
Love the angle on the clown cake pic, BTW: it plays up the sagging, collapsing, tilty cross-eyed horror to best advantage.
One word: EWWWWWWW!
Okay, more than one word -- not only are they gross, but the clown cake looks rather lopsided...
waw u make cake look cute, i lk dat...
CLOWN WARNING PLEASE!
Those cakes and all the comments for hauntings just gave me a great display idea for Halloween and costume idea. The Zombie Bakery and Sweets! (Or should that be feet) I have a year to work on it.
Add some rats and a crazy lady in her wedding dress, and we have a whole Dickens novel.
I definitely saw the top one before as part of an auction or something for "antique cakes". There was one with a dude in a speedo lounging on a beach, too. So. So. Gross.
Oh Jen, thanks for making me laugh out loud for such a long time! I really, really needed that this morning! Love your site!
Are you sure these bakeries didn't get the idea from your July 21, 2008 post? An almost exact (and uncensored, mind you) version of the first cake (with the girl on the beach) was featured by you earlier this year.
Perhaps you've merely triggered an interest in "historic" cakes!
Beth A. in Silver Spring, MD
Gross!!!! The dusty cakes were somehow the worst for me.
word veri: dreary
If the shoe fits...
OMG at first I thought the first cake was a baked meringue cake. yuck
Miss Haversham's wedding cake! How marvelous. All it needs is a few cobwebs.
By the way, this blog is just awesome! I love it.
has anyone called the FDA?
...I feel awful for those poor cakes. I admit I read this blog for the cringe factor (doesn't everyone?), but like many have said before me, I did not ever expect to actually want to throw up at a Cake Wrecks post. This is vile, and really, really sad.
First off: anyone would have to be totally deformed in the head to even be INTERESTED in ordering cakes from those bakeries.
Secondly, just wanted to say I absolutely LOVE your blogs! I've just created a new post on my own that links to yours!
My blog is http://thisorthat12.blogspot.com if you're interested.
Thirdly, seeing those cakes reminded me of this cake decorating shop in another town that had displays that showed really REALLY old cake designs, with all the mould, dead insects and dust included. They were open at the time (3 yrs ago), not sure if they still are...I should check out if they're still open and take some pics eh?