Author's Log 10242011

It's been one week since we left home on our five week voyage, and so far, morale remains high.

We experienced some troublesome maintenance issues our first two nights, first with malfunctioning sound dampeners next to the station's galley, and then with a poisoned air filter that left us with a nasty case of Betelguisian lung rot.

Or maybe that was an allergic reaction to the port's complimentary flip-flops.

Anyway, once we moved on to our next station the living quarters were up to optimal levels, and we were able to get some much needed rest.

Our first mission was to the Atlantans, a friendly people who presented us with bizarre tributes:

This one contained a yellow gelatinous substance marked "E. Spengler." We gave it a wide berth.

However, the local fare was undeniably delicious:

By Feast Catering

The natives themselves proved most agreeable under the placating effects of the baked goods, and fortunately our mission passed without incident.

From there we moved on to the region of Concord, home of excessively large shopping malls and confusing ground traffic. Here the tributes seemed to take an insidious turn:

Though thankfully the natives remained peaceful, no doubt due in large part to the addictive qualities of their peculiar edible totem:

By Emily & the BPA Club

In the region of Richmond, we discovered a new local custom:

 

Some of the natives dressed to match their edible gifts:

Right down to the fingernails!

It was unsettling, to be sure, but we put on a brave face and were careful to make no sudden movements.

Others there presented us with ghoulish visages, perhaps as some kind of colloquial good luck charm?

Certainly their tribute totem was terrifying enough to ward off any evil spirits:

By A Cake to Remember & Sugarbuzz Cakes

We did our best to show the proper respect, but despite our efforts the First Mate and I kept laughing. I blame the addictive nature of these insidious treats, but more "research" is needed.

In Baltimore we were given our most bizarre tribute yet:

By Charm City Cakes

An edible effigy of yours truly!

The individual tributes also flatly defied description:

Why is the deer so tiny?

Just...Why?

Here, at least, they were able to vent their cannibalistic hostilities on my effigy...

...and we were able to escape unscathed during the melee.

The First Mate and I are continuing on to our next stop today, and we can only hope that it, too, will prove to be a piece of cake.

Yates out.

You can see all of the photos from our various shows on the Cake Wrecks Facebook page.

Ode to Carrot Jockey

Ode to Carrot Jockey

by Loyal Minion Sharyn

Carrot Jockey, is your taxonomic nomenclature

A plastic unclothed biped, on buttercream by nature?

No hair about your eyes to cloud your keen visual senses

Contributes to your skill in finding wrecky cake offenses.

I find myself intrigued by your frosted ambulations,

A singular development of fondant machinations

That illustrates your need to ride on sugary confections

While pointing out a bakery's abuse of its directions.

No clothing is essential for your wreck reporting talents,

A hat, a vest or even pants might throw you off your balance.

And carrots are a necessary part of locomotion

Although for geeky panelists they can cause a commotion.

Carrot Jockey, the wondrous cakey carnage you display

Makes people snort their coffee, and brightens up their day.

A naked bit of plastic I can from a chain suspend

 

To me, you'll always be a veggie-riding friend.

 

A huge "Thak You" to Sharyn for writing the world's best comment poem, and also to Theresa B., Jennifer C., Carmel C., Angela M., Julie K., Noelle, Maggie H., Caroline T., Colleen T., & Martha A. for all the Carrot Jockey homages.

Also, if by some crime you're not familiar with the original poem/rap Sharyn's is based on, watch this:

And finally, because it's a FAQ: the jockey necklaces are no longer available for sale because they're a right pain to make. However, if you continue to pester us - say, by leaving demanding comments on this post - I might be able to convince John that we should make one big final batch before the holidays. Maybe. If you beg. And I'm not talking just a few extra exclamation marks here; I'm talking complete loss of dignity, people. Dance! Dance for our amusement! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Or just ask nicely. That might work, too.

(Note from john: *sigh* Fine. But let me explain something: it takes HOURS. Rolling each individual carrot, carving each individual leaf, trying to center the baby so that it balances, baking them, clear coating them, gluing the baby down, gluing the post and hanging it on the chain.  And then, THEN!  If it doesn't balance and it hangs funny, we start over because Jen won't let an imperfect one leave the house.  *harumph*  So, we're going to make 3 for each tour stop as prizes and maybe a hundred more.  If anyone needs me for the next few days, I'll just be over here kneading clay...)