Mixed Grill

It's Memorial Day, and as every red-blooded American knows, there is only one nationally accepted way to demonstrate your sense of patriotic pride in the men and women who have sacrificed for this country. One which involves fire, hunks of raw meat, and at least one guy in a "kiss the chef" apron cursing out the blippity bleepin' starter switch on the filth flarnin' grill.

That's right: It's barbecue time, baby.

Is this creative? Sure. Appetizing? Not so much. It looks like a giant half-cooked hamburger with steak and shish kabab'ed Elmo fingers on it. [shudder] Great, now I gave myself the willies.

Speaking of shish kababs, here's the "cheater-cheater-plastic-eater" version:

[shaking head] Til the end of time, Wreckerators will be trying - and failing - to make circles out of cupcakes. What's the definition of insanity again?

And here's one with the oh-so-authentic chalky briquette look:

Ah, there's nothing like leprous-looking cupcakes to get the ol' saliva glands going!

Some bakeries are breaking down the two main components of the grilling experience. See, while this next one may look like a penned-in bunch of baboon butts, you can tell by the "GRILLIN'" sticker that it's actually a grill:

Huh. Thank goodness for stickers, is all I can say.

Oh, and here's the raw, malformed lump that goes on it! Yum!

Now there's some bloody good fun, eh, guv'na? Jolly good, pip pip, and all that. (Hey, I've read Wodehouse, Ok? I'm practically an expert on British terminology. Really.)

Shannon S., Amy J., Joanna C., & Nichole H., I'm suddenly inspired to find a doll on a grill, just so I can write the caption "Barbie on the barbie". Unless one of you knows a girl named Barbie? You could even turn the grill off, if you like.

UPDATE: Ask, and ye shall receive:

Barbie on the barbie!

Fear Factor, CW Style

Eons ago when the show Fear Factor first came out, I discovered something about myself: I have an extremely sympathetic gag reflex. Yep. Show me a video of someone eating yak brains, and I want to...well, yak.

Imagine how much better the show would have been, though, if they'd substituted the following cakes for the gross foods challenge. It wouldn't have been that much easier on the contestants, and seeing their expressions when they got a pleasant surprise as opposed to a sticky/wriggly one would have been awesome.

Oh, and in case this intro hasn't been warning enough, guys, here's a tip: PUT THE FOOD DOWN. AND THE COFFEE. AND THAT PRICELESS MING DYNASTY VASE. (Dude, what are you doing carrying that around, anyway?)

First up, here's looking at ewe, kid.

Step right up! No need to be sheepish; this cake is a shear delight!

Eva G., for some reason the phrase "bubblegum tongue" from that John Mayer song keeps coming to mind. (And now every time you hear that song, you will think of this cake. That is my gift to you. [bowing])

Or if you'd prefer to live high on the hog, you can always pig out on this guy:

Looks like someone brought home the bacon. Hey Cattie P., way to ham it up!

Hey, where are you all going? I'm not done yet! Ok, ok, no more puns - promise.

This one looks kinda crunchy:

Stephanie N., I don't care how artistically done this sucker is - I'd still stomp on him in a pinch. (Assuming he was less than an inch long, of course. Otherwise, Jooooohhn!!!)

And lastly, let's finish up with a little seafood. (Although for some of you, this will mean seeing all the food you ate for breakfast.)

[lower lip trembling] Must. Keep. Swallowing.

From the short bursts of eye contact I was able to make with this guy before the dry heaving began, I think I decided it was a catfish. And as for those green things - well, it helps me to keep the bile at bay if I tell myself they're grapes. So we're going with that, ok, Joanna B.? Don't bother telling me they're fish eggs, or catfish brains, or the prepubescent larvae of a water-dwelling grindylow: honestly, I don't want to hear it.