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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Friday
May132016

Creepy Clowns vs Creepy Boobs: We Report, YOU DECIDE

Fun Fact: I can't stand horror movies, but I love - LOOOOVE - creepy cakes.

I'm not talking intentionally creepy stuff, like zombies or gore or "Baby Bump" cakes - no, I mean the ones that a baker finished, looked at, and thought, "Yeah, that's pretty cute."

I'm told this is some kind of clown.

I'm also told that a Hitler joke here will "get us in so much trouble are you freaking kidding me babe NOOOO." So never mind.

 

Kids can be creepy enough* as it is, bakers, so please, STOP HELPING:

[*True Story: One time John and I were meeting with a fan at a busy restaurant, and the table next to us parked their stroller - which had a beautiful little boy in it - right across from me. The toddler had ice blue eyes and a slack, deadpan expression, and proceeded to stare at me. The entire. Time. Then John and the reader left to get drinks, leaving me alone with Baby Demon Eyes, and I kept trying not to notice, but every time I glanced over he was STILL STARING, like he was trying to mind-control me into stealing everyone's souls and/or chocolate, and his parents were totally oblivious, and I started to freak out, and long story short, I only have a few dozen more hours of community service to go.]

 

Animal Safari Cake Claims Latest Victim:

Quick! Somebody throw the baby a rope! Unless he won't stop staring at you!

 

Speaking of staring:

Dang, Woody. You creepy.

 

But even that plastic menace is about to be eclipsed by the funky cake bazoongas of one not-quite-life-sized Dolly Parton cake:

I worry about her structural integrity, you guys. Like, she could topple over any second and smother you with her cakey fun bags. Which I guess is kind of like real life? Only more awkward, because in real life you probably wouldn't ever have to lick off Dolly Parton's boob smears, and wow did that go somewhere I didn't want to go fast.

[side eye]

[awkwardly sidles out of the room]

 

Thanks to Nisha T., Niki R., Paula, Tenley H., & Summer S., who agree we should all stop thinking about licking Dolly Parton's boobs now. Stop it. Stop it. STOP IT.

*****

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Reader Comments (53)

"Licking Dolly Parton cake boobs" --- Well, now that's out there, Jen!

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterErica

I spit-Coke-Zero-on-the-computer-cough-laugh-cough-laughed so hard reading the cakey fun bags caption our safety officer came over to make sure I was okay. And just like that, a new CW minion was recruited.

And yes, fellow long-time CW minions, I know better than to drink while reading CW. But these breakfast M&Ms were making me thirsty. (I know, I should be on a Wheaties box for my healthy breakfast choices. In my defense, they are Atkins M&M-like candies. Mmmmm, chemical-y.)

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAngelaS

Why is Woody about to be burned alive in a forest fire?

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterShirley

PLEASE somebody bring this post to Dolly's attention...SHE WOULD LOVE IT!!!! Nice work, Jen.

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMedith

"funky cake bazongas" made me think of "funky cold medina"...now that will be in my head all day!

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered Commentersue in nj

Cakey fun bags is my new favorite phrase! I'm not sure when I'll ever be able to work that into conversation, but I'm sure going to try!!

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterTrekkie Gal

I can't get into trouble. I only exist in the cloud.

This is no Springtime for you know who:

Bakeries were having trouble
What a sad, sad story
Needed decorators to restore
Their former glory

Where oh where was she
Where could that gal be
We looked around and then we found
The girl for you and me
And now it’s

Cakewrecks with Hitler and creepy babes
Jen’s here to save us today
Quicksand may sink us all again
Staring kids cast a pall again

Cakewrecks with Hitler and creepy babes
I just can’t take any more

Cakewrecks with Hitler and Woody’s stares
Jen’s going to save us
She’s just got to save us
She’s dee-clared a wrecky cake war

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

I was captivated by those tie-down straps on the DP cake. The baker was so confident in the overall integrity of the finished work, that the only concern was tipping the thing over. I'm impressed!

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterIrene

"In real life you won't have to lick off Dolly Parton's boob smears" is MY new favorite phrase! Jen, I too am worried about the Dollycake's structural integrity. I don't know which is more worrisome though -- her arms or her waist.

And thank you -- someone finally agrees with me that Woody has creepy staring eyes! And I'm with @Shirley-- why is he about to be consumed in flames?

And finally, on Isaac's baby cake, what is that thing on the hand in the middle? That's gonna bug me all day if someone doesn't tell me.

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

You have to admit, the hair on the Dolly cake looks great. Very convincing.

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterDegera

What is that thing in the middle of Isaac's cake supposed to be? I'm waffling between a clenched fist and brass knuckes or a still from the poor kid's circumcision video.

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEliss

What is the second image on cake #2? All I can see is a fist with (maybe) brass knuckes on it--and that would be way too weird for even this cake.

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMary

WTF is that thing in the middle of the second cake? It looks like a hand... with some sort of oversized ring on top of it... does anyone know?

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered Commentero_O

Can't... Stop... Tittering... (So to speak)...

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterBADKarma

Oh that Woody cake. I first noticed what looked like fire all around him. Then I noticed his stare. I feel like this cake is part of some horror movie. Woody died in some crazy fire and is now a back-from-the-dead killing machine. Let me play this creepy song for you, and them I'm going to kill you. That poor cake is probably still giving some kids nightmares.

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterDiane

Thank you for that baby story. No really, THANK YOU. Do you realize how difficult it is to find someone who doesn't think every single baby everywhere is a precious son or daughter of GOD... and who also realizes the way they just... just plain GAWP at you like you're some kind of an alien is so creepy, creepy, CREEPY!!!

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAisha

The face and hair on the Dolly Parton cake are very realistic, but there *is* more to the woman than her hair and her boobs. Whatever became of her hips and legs? And those toothpick arms are downright disconcerting.

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterLady Anne

I'd name the first one"The Fears of a Clown". And I understand, Jen; you could have caused quite a fuhrer. 2.Community service? Guess that means Creepy Baby lives?? I'd have preferred it sleeping with the fishes...
3- Safari's I know, we're ALL victims...of the wreckorators.But SAVE the animals! 4: LOOK at that thing! It's like Nero fiddling while Rome burns. 5.This is a little sad...She WANTS to be at her breast---I MEAN best!--, but she's only part on...... =^-.-^=

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

Regarding the second image on Isaac's cake: Evidently, it was a shotgun wedding, and Isaac is what used to be known colloquially as "an 8 pound premie."

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterBADKarma

I thought the first cake was either Beldar Conehead, or one of the Angry Birds with a color malfunction. Clown was not anywhere in the ball park. Go figure.

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered Commenteranonymouse

....so am I the only one hearing Johnny Cash sing "Burning Ring of Fire" seeing the Woody cake? Huh? No one?

Nevermind....

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterNutmeg

I'm a few beats behind everyone today so my "What the..." Re: Isaac's cake has been well addressed. Thank you; at least I know it's not the cold medicine making me too dense to figure that thing out. Wow.
Dolly, too, has been well discussed and, yes, I'm adopting "cakey funbags" as my answer to the perky lady with the tape measure next time I'm bra-shopping. "So, what are we looking for today?( I'm surrounded by racks and racks of bras so I won't bother answering that question. (Eye roll) " Do we have any special area of concern?" Ad I lovingly ogle a wee wisp of lacy, unstructured lady undies, I will, with a perfectly serious demeanor, "Yeah, I'm looking for something pretty to give my cakey funbags a bit of a boost." Can't wait.
About that zoo cake: Is it suppose to be spewing the baby OUT of the cake or is he sinking INTO the cake after a hard landing? Enquirering minds want to know!

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered Commenters.marie

So on the first cake? Be assured that the joke wasn't needed. My brain was waaaay ahead of you.

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterGinger

Maybe the explanation for the flames surrounding Woody is that he is performing Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire."

And is the second cake implying that the wedding vows were anticipated by the inception of Little Isaac?

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJan, the Gryphon

The first cake looks like Hitler and Humpty Dumpty both fell off the wall at the same time, and this was the result.

If this is supposed to be a clown, then I'm going to adopt my son's phobia of them. Yikes.

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

W...t...f how can they make these items and feel proud?!

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

After several examinations of Baby Isaac's 1st birthday cake, I believe the second image to be a hand offering a ring...apparently when the recipient was at an advanced stage of the pregnancy, if the cake is to be read left-to-right. "First comes love, then comes marriage...then comes creepy staring baby in a carriage".

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKathy

Forget Dolly's boobs--what is with her creepy pipecleaner arms and those weird flat hands pasted to her impossibly thin waist?

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterNicole

I was determined to figure out the middle image on the Isaac cake! After studying it for a very long time, I have 2 theories.
1. Isaac was conceived out of wedlock, but sometime between pregnant mommy and Isaac's first birthday, Isaac's daddy popped the question, and it is actually a hand holding an engagement ring.
2. It is actually _Isaac's_ hand, holding a weird pacifier, and we just don't see the part of the body where it's connected to the floating head.
Either way, it's weird, and poorly drawn.
And while I'm in the subject, anyone else think the creepy Isaac face is made even worse by those weird caterpillar-y eyebrows?

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

I am dying here! Sort of like that baby on the safari cake.

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJanelle

@ Nutmeg - LOL - that's perfect :)

I need the story behind 'Dolly'

- what was she ordered for?
- Did the guests like her?
- Who thought she looked good enough to display?
- Could they not have come up with SOME WAY to cover the plywood and bolts? PLYWOOD & BOLTS, PEOPLE!!

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKimS

re your comment on cake #2: I would really like to see a table park a stroller.

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterjane lewis

I WOULD throw a rope to that baby but I believe it would be a waste of time (and rope)! All the lion appears to have left behind is the head!...and the giraffe appears to be laughing about the whole thing! Maybe he's laughing because the baby's head is bigger than the elephant...? That is kinda funny if you think about it. The clown cake is a total win...because clowns are creepy! Nailed It!
I thought Isaac's cake might have been a Pictionary?....but all I got was "Knocked up fist ring Isaac"...? I always sucked at Pictionary!

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

There are two possibilities to Isaac.
One is that after mom got pregnant, she was presented with an engagement ring before delivering Isaac.
Perhaps Isaac was a genuine premie and that is his hand under her ring to show his size (I have seen many premie photos with a wedding ring beside baby to show size).
Having tried to picture it, I think he wasn't a premie as they are usually wearing the ring on an arm or leg and this hand is too big. Perhaps a re-creation of a photo gone wrong?
I too want to know why the Dolly cake was done and how on Earth anyone thought it was acceptable to present in public! Now I am picturing the guests licking her boobs :-)
Thanks for the mammaries.

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterCaryl

Woody fell into a burning ring of fire;
It burned down, down, down,
As Woody sang higher
The ring of fire, the ring of fire.

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterstaying anon

Okay, so regarding the second image on the Isaac cake, I'm preeeeetty sure that all it's supposed to be is a representation of how small newborn Isaac's hand was in comparison to his mommy's engagement ring. I've seen photos before where that is done. So, I don't think it's an open hand holding a ring, I think it's the baby's clenched fist with the ring set on top of it. His thumb is on the right side, and the fingers are curled under. See it now? His mom probably had a photo that showed the baby's hand with her ring just like that and asked for it to be piped onto the cake.

Jen, I've had that same experience that you had with little demon blue-eyes. Babies can be creepy, man. I'm happy to say that mine never was creepy even though I practically had to make a deal with the devil to get him. On his first birthday, we were outside playing, and I told him, "I'm so happy you're here! Why did it take you so long? Where were you before you were with Mommy and Daddy?" He looked up and pointed at the sky. It totally gave me chills. Good thing he didn't point down toward the ground, huh? Hahahaha!

KW

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKW

God Jen, How I have MISSED you!

The workload of late has gotten so heavy that I usually work through lunch and it's been months since I even checked my email at work.

I see the error of my ways though. Two posts back and I'm laughing until it hurts and my eyes are watering and hopefully nobody will see me that way because then they'll be calling for the padded bus and the jacket that is all sleeves...

I need laughter in my life. I need cakewrecks.

big hugs for everyone!

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterkrunchifrog

The plastic animal, severed baby head cake is almost nice. Almost.

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterHyena Overlord

First thought about the first cake was "big head from Easter Island with Hitler mustache". No?
Not sure I want to know what that middle thing is on Isaac's cake.
And why is Woody sitting in the middle of the campfire?

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterTriciaL

I like Dolly's egg head.

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJoJo6627

I have seen "Darth Tater," the "Mister Potato Head" version of the Sith Lord. That first cake looks like the "Herr Kartoffel Kopf" of a very specific individual. I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read sendingtheclowns' comment about it raising quite a fuhrer.

SuBee, LOVE the song, although your version is not quite so touching as the original. Based on Sue in nj's comment, I briefly considered attempting "funky cold bazoongas," but my inability to find a credible rhyme for "bazoongas" foiled my evil plot.

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJMixx

Am I the only one who thinks Isaac looks like a chubby 50 year old man? So maybe Momma is hinting that Baby-Daddy owes her a ring pretty soon 'cause the kid is aging fast.

May 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterBluebonnet

I thought that first one was a strange looking potato. Then I looked at Isaac's cake and thought what the heck is that next to the pregnant woman? It looks like some sort of weird contraceptive device lol. Oh the joys of cake wreckery.

May 14, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterArlene Marie

This is terrible, but that Dolly Parton cake bears a striking resemblance to one of my facebook friend's wives. If her posts are any indication, she's as crazy as that cake looks, too. It's uncanny.

May 14, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSarah Beth

Oh girl, you got to know Cakey Funbags is my new Drag Name!

Cheers!

Storm

May 14, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterStorm

Research needed to solve the mystery of what babies are staring at!!
Mine keep staring off at the upper corners of the room, I', never sure if they're trying to say "Hey, missed a spider's web there, Mum" or "Good grief, the decor here is so tacky, couldn't they repaint the window frames at least?" Or, like Jack Bagthorpe, are they having visions of sausages and mashed potato just past my left ear?

May 14, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAA

krunchifrog!! "Come on in and set a spell...take your shoes off!" (From the Beverly Hillbillies)! Nice to have you back!

I don't get the baby head jammed into the top of the cake. Had it not been for that... not so much wreckage.

That baby fist with the ring, I know many moms of preemies who have that picture in their photo album. At least the poor decorator tried. (guessing friend or family member creation).

It is unfortunate where the mic was placed in front of that Dolly cake. Everyone laughed about that first before the actual wreckage.

Yes, we are toddlers.

May 14, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSkullCandy313

The Woody one,reminds me of the old jokes about etaing a hot curry then having a burning ring of fire,

May 14, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterhotclaws

I always enjoy your blog entries, but this one really got me and I snort laughed. That is a good feeling for such a rotten sound.

May 14, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterCharlene

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