Wednesday
May142014
Tonight at the Lucky Stardust Lounge
May 14, 2014 "You... are... so beautiful..."
;)
"...to me."
"Thank you. Thank you very much."
[Leaning on piano]
"You... are... soooo beautiful..."
;)
"...to meeee."
"The Goldmans, everyone! Fifty years today! Aren't they adorable?
"Can't you SEEE-EEE-EE?!?"
;)
[sliding to front of stage on knees]
"You're... ev'ry-thing I HOPED for!"
;)
[grimacing in pain]
"You're EVERYTHING I neeeeeeeeee..."
;)
"...eeEEED!"
[winking at waitress]
"You... are... so beautiful..."
;)
"Toooo... meeeeEEEEE."
Thank you, Nia C., Krystal C., Karen R., Julie R., Alison V., and Joshua P. Thank you so much. No, really. Thank you. Really. You're too much. Thank you. Tip your waitress!
*****
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Reader Comments (72)
"Hey, Waitress, go work somewhere with better cakes." (Best tip I could give her.)
Yes, Sleazy is in the eye of the beholder… NOW GET IT OUT!
The second-to-last one is obviously Elsa's coronation cake...
By the time you get to the last one, the orange number with the bow looks pretty good.
Whoa! I wasn't done puzzling over the wreck with the green hooks on it, when I got to the last one...What?! Huh? I just don't...AAAACCCKK!
are those.. jalapeños on the last one?
Well as wrecks go, that first orange one wasn't THAT bad!
I agree that the first one, in comparison to the rest, doesn't actually look all that bad. One finds oneself thinking: 'Dang! If only they'd left off the orange airbrushing!' But then one remembers THESE CAKES WERE ALL MADE BY PROFESSIONALS and reality comes crashing back in.
Also, the last one needs to be taken away somewhere and dealt with via controlled explosion.
Wow. That last one actually made me back away from my laptop. Yikes! Why are there McDonald's pickle slices all over it???
Tip your waitress... and then return her to her original upright and locked position.
Some joker put green condoms on the last cake to get the happy couple ready for the honeymoon! How thoughtful.
No, no John. Thank YOU.
It really says something when you get to the end and think the first one isn't as bad as you originally thought. Still wrecky for sure (Calm down Theardare!) but not the worst of the bunch.
@john ~ You should totally take your act to Vegas! We'll all come watch and bring cake!
@Haiku Joy ~ Thinking of you! p.s. I've never read Hamlet **hanging head in shame**
Are the green "hooks" actually gummy worms? Pretty bad, but better than the BBQ sauce goo on the last one. Actually now I don't feel so bad about my "crumby" attempts at cake decoration.
Maybe it's because my son is obsessed with this movie lately, but when I read this, I heard the song in this voice: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Wwf6uR4G7k. Darn Little Rascals.
So sleezy that I feel like I need to go take a shower now. You really captured "the mood" John, down to every detail except for when the Lounge Lizard tells folks that he's here every Friday and Saturday from 7 till midnight and at the club down the street Monday through Thursday.
*Standing ovation from seriously drunk wedding guest* "Bravo! Bravo! [hic] Thash's the most beautithul thing I've ever 'sperienced! Encore!" *rushes stage to tearfully embrace wedding singer, dramatically trips and crashes into cake table destroying hideous confections. No one notices the difference*
Thank you, Cake Wrecks! I hope it's some consolation to these brides that, although horrid their cakes maybe for their weddings, they go on to bring tears if joy, horror, & laughter to wrecky minions the world over! I visit this site every day & you guys bring me to tears of laughter pretty much daily! Today's post was no exception. Bravo, jhoj, Bravo! (And a little something for you ...*slips a folded bill into tip wine glass perched on piano*)
Bakers (with apologies to Lorde)
I’ve never made a fancy wedding cake
I cut my teeth on ccc’s in the kitchen
And I’m not proud of that sad mess
In the room in the back, lots of decorating envy
But every cake’s like
Gold leaf
Red flowers
Tippin’ going sideways
Turtle doves
Snowflakes
We’re gonna do it my ways
We don’t care, we’re decorators in our dreams
But every cakes’s like
Flowers
Petals
Twigs on our masterpiece
Blue stars
Frosting
Sprinkles on every piece
We don’t care, we aren’t caught up in your cake affair
And we’ll never be bakers (bakers)
Don’t know nothin’ ‘bout food
That kind of lux just ain’t for us; we don’t crave a frosting buzz
Let me be your fooler (fooler)
You can call me “wanna be”
And lady, I’ll fool, I’ll fool, I’ll fool, I’ll fool
Good cakes are just a fantasy
My friends and I we’ve got no code
We keep adding stuff on the way to your party
We’ll add some dots and add some bows
And we’re fine with this, we don’t have any talent.
But every cakes’s like
Ribbon
Green swirls
Gonna make a masterpiece
Yellow mess
Olives
No one’s gonna want a piece
We don’t care, we’re makin’ masterpieces in our dreams
And every cakes’s like
Brown dots
Anywhere
Crap on your wedding cake
Blue mess
Pink stuff
We don’t care what we make
We don’t care, we aren’t caught up in your cake affair
And we’ll never be bakers (bakers)
Don’t know nothin’ ‘bout food
That kind of lux just ain’t for us; we don’t crave a frosting buzz
Let me be your fooler (fooler)
You can call me “wanna be”
And lady, I’ll fool, I’ll fool, I’ll fool, I’ll fool
Good cakes are just a fantasy
ohh ohh oh ohh
We’re better than we’ve every dreamed
And I’m in love with being a wanna be
ooh ooh oh ooh
Life is great without a care
We aren’t caught up in your cake affair
And we’ll never be bakers (bakers)
Don’t know nothin’ ‘bout food
That kind of lux just ain’t for us; we don’t crave a frosting buzz
Let me be your fooler (fooler)
You can call me “wanna be”
And lady, I’ll fool, I’ll fool, I’ll fool, I’ll fool
Good cakes are just a fantasy
Great post, John(thoJ)! I totally had a lousy lounge singer singing in my head while I was reading.
Fun fact: when I was in middle school during the Jurrasic era, I took an elective to learn American Sign Language. The song the teacher chose for us to perform at the end of the term was that song. Q: Do you know how many times in my life I have heard that song? A: More than any human should.
Also, those cakes are just enough to put me off cake for a while. Yuck.
The first one looks like its covered in deli meats....
Which I think is what made me think the second one wasn't so horrible... for a first attempt... By a 6th grader.
Some of those actually have potential... just not well done :P
@Jodee: I have. (And lots of other things, besides). And later saw it performed. Trust me, Shakespeare makes a TON more sense when you're seeing it acted out.
But why are you ashamed about it? I read Les Miserables--all 6,328 pages of it; they cut a LOT in the movie--partly because I was interested, but mostly because I was GOING TO, DAMMIT. I found out you can save a lot of time by not doing stuff because you feel obliged to (unless it's checking CW; you never KNOW what might happen on here!)
Those cakes are bad... ok, maybe I could live with the first one, but the rest ... ugh
And of course I could hear Joe Cocker singing really loud about cakes ;)
I sang along as I scrolled through, but then ended with a screeching "what in the sam hill is that thing" at the end.
I am so glad that we carefully chose and splurged on our cake. It is the only thing we really splurged on.
Also, Just saw Cake Wrecks get a mention on The Chew! Awesome!
I am so glad that we carefully chose and splurged on our cake. It is the only thing we really splurged on.
Also, Just saw Cake Wrecks get a mention on The Chew! Awesome!
John, I didn't know you could sing. You have a beeeautiful voice.
I don't believe that last cake-the one frosted with yellow fungus and festooned with rose petals and olives (guacamole discs? Oh, condoms. Thanks miss_paper) - is actually a cake. Look at the top of the top tier - the one above the bloody stump. It's glowing up there. Glowing like ET's heart light. Maybe it IS ET's heart light. If not, what is it? Why is it glowing? Why?
NSA Surveillance, that's why.
If I just happen to disappear, be aware that "they" are everywhere; watching what you do, listening to your calls, reading y
AAAAhhhhhh!!! I suspect I know what snowflake cake was the inspiration piece for the second to last one - because I want something similar for my wedding! Now I know how awful it can be!!! I'm going to have nightmares tonight - and don't be surprised to hear from my wedding planner!
I was totally seeing you doing this on Jimmy Fallon's lip-sync battle, john (thoJ). You definitely would have won.
I see capers, pickles, dijon mustard, barbeque sauce, and Canadian bacon on the last cake. So, if this was the bakers vision of savory foods in cake form - NAILED IT!
For some reason, I envisioned this song climaxing with John (thoJ) ripping off his velcro-ed trousers just like he did on National No Pants Day. I also seem to remember a beautiful photo of his torso all oiled up...
Did you ever read the Steven Kellogg classic Ralph's Secret Weapon? The resemblance to that last cake is eerie!
Does the last cake have pickles and ham slices on it with a fire pit on top?
Oh. My. I just can't even......why?.......how could anyone actually let any of these leave their shop.......it's just......oh good grief!
That last one looks like it's frosted with potato salad with shaved ham petals.
I was so glad to read that someone else thought the green hooks might be gummy worms. That was my first thought. Well, actually my first thought on seeing the picture on FB was "Why did someone put green olive slices on a wedding cake?"
The orange one really doesn't look that bad after seeing the others.
Are those pickles stuck to the last cake?
Oh man. The glitter on those dollar-store snowflakes is surely inedible and probably shed all over the cake. Yum, yum, intestinal lacerations.
The last cake reminds me of my deviled eggs, right down to the light dusting of paprika. Delicious, but not exactly what I would want for my wedding cake!
That last one looks like they put ham and pickles on it.... yikes
Oh, I want the doves cake for my wedding! And then I want to go around and tell everyone how beautiful and sparkly it is and record them trying to keep a straight face when they agree with me!!! I am pretty evil though, admittedly...
I will say that the decorator of the last cake should get some recognition for the creative combination of rose petals, chocolate dots, and olives.
The last cake looks like Easter Peeps had World War 3! The Peeps Massacre?
They are everything I hope for in a wreck. One has to appreciate the creative choice of jalapeños/pickle slices/condoms as symbols of eternal love. Yes? Everything I need.
The doves are well done. They can't be by the same person that made the smeary atrocity under them. Or are they plastic ones simply bought in?
I love the commentary! Lol
I personally love the last cake. I mean, rose petals, kiwis (or possibly green grapes) and some sort of barbecued meat product scream "happily ever after" right???
-screams, then cries-
Cake 1 -- Oh, my Lord!
Cake 2 -- Oh, my Lord!
Cake 3 -- Oh, my Lord!
...
Each one more hideous than the previous. And it is so enjoyable to eat a nice piece of cake while picking glitter, polyester rose petals, and dried statis and baby's breath out of your teeth.
That last one looks like Cake Boss got mugged by the Star Trek Horta. What is that orange/red crapp lump in th middle! YIKES
I thought those were green bell pepper slices on the second cake. The first one made me sad, and each one after made me sadder, but the last one made me say words that can't be posted here. At least it's helping me with my diet by taking away my appetite. Almost takes away my will to live.