FIST FLOWERS OF DOOM
March 20, 2014 Ahh, the first day of Spring! The air is crisp, the flowers are blooming, and the garden slugs are JUST peeking out from their hidey holes:
;)
...in our cakes.
Ew.
Maybe we should go back to the flower thing.
After all, flowers make everything prettier, from weddings:
;)
...to anniversaries:
;)
...to birthdays:
;)
...to, um, chicken feet?
;)
(I'm sure the baker would have labeled it a dead cactus, but no one can read her chicken scratch anyway.)
Hey, you know the only thing better than rosebuds on the first day of Spring?
;)
A double feature of The Tell-Tale Heart.
:D
And while we're talking flowers that look like body parts:
;)
WHY DO THESE FLOWERS HAVE FINGERS?
Here, I'll zoom in:
;)
See?
They're like tiny little fists of doom, preparing to flip us off with their tiny little chubby fingers.
Of doom.
For that matter, the whole cake is kind of a bad trip gone worse, am I right? Random fist flowers, poo nuggets, an abstract bow/bat being attacked by giant dots...
I feel perhaps I'm getting a little "off point."
So, in conclusion: Yay Spring. Until the bee sperm bumble tadpoles X-Wing Bees show up.
;)
o.0
'Cuz that's a honey boo-boo if I ever saw one.
Thanks to Caroline L., Amanda D., Sarah M., Ferryn, Lizzy E., John W., Syd D. & May for putting an extra Spring in our step.
*****
Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.
Reader Comments (51)
Sung to "Tiptoe Through the Tulips"
Tiptoe through the green slugs
By black roses, oh golly gee
Come tiptoe by dead violets, with me.
Oh, tiptoe by poo flowers
By dead cactus (or chicken feet...)
It's Edgar Allen's birthday, I see.
Tiptoe past the pink fists
If I stop then they'll throttle me
Oh tiptoe past the X-Wing sperm bees.
Ergh. The "finger flowers" make me think of the hands in the hole Sarah falls into in "Labyrinth". No thanks!
You had me at "hidey holes". LOL
.
Now, I don't want to play favourites. These are all equally --- horrible. However, that wedding cake takes the -- uh -- cake.
The saddest thing is that it's not such an awful cake without the cascade of what appear to be dried prunes or figs down the side. Is it a metaphor? "Things may be creamy and symmetrical now, but from here on in, your intertwined lives will spiral down into dark, lumpy despair. On the plus side, you're both going to be really really regular...."
(Spot on as usual, Sharyn! How do you come up with these so quickly?)
It's cakes like these that make me think that maybe flower isn't such an essential cake ingredient.
Little known fact: E.E. Cummings was a fan of wrecked cake inscriptions and found them inspiring.
in Just-
spring when the cake is mud-
luscious the little
green slimeslugs
crawl on frosting
and wreckersandsuch come
icing black vile-ets and
henfeet and it's
spring
when the cakes are tootoo-terrible
the queer
black flowers wiggle
down the side
and thebrideandgroom come crying
from despair and disappointment and
it's
spring
and
the
fingerflowered
pinkbatcake festers
with
X
bees
Those bee sperm bumble tadpoles seem to be trying at the wrong time of the month...
Can't. Stop. Laughing.
Sharyn and suebee bahahaha :D. I have never seen flowers that made me want to hurl before O_o, but your descriptions are hilarous :)
In the illuminating words of Lewis Carroll:
Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
I really couldn't have said it better myself.
Did no one else see that number 7 is a snowman facing his inevitable doom on this first day of spring? This explains the tiny fists of fury, in my humble opinion.
"cause that's a honey boo boo if I ever saw one"
lol - that's TOOOO funny!
Sheesh, between today's and yesterday's posts, it's like the worst baking offenders have just come out of hibernation!
Pink fisted flowers
With scary attacking dots
Mean the baker's high.
Romeo and Juliet: The Lost Scene
(Walking down the street)
Romeo: But soft! What sight in yonder window does thou see?
It is Spring Flower Cakes, and you, dear Juliet are their sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the Polar Vortex,
For we are already sick of winter and the dreary cold
That embraces our land like an unwanted Facebook stalker.
(Juliet stares silently at the cakes in the window as Romeo continues.)
She speaks, yet she says nothing: what’s up with that?
Her eye discourses; I will answer it.
I am too bold; ‘tis not to me she speaks,
For ‘tis a look of madness in her eyes.
What is it, my Love?
Juliet: OMG!
Romeo: She speaks:
O, speak again bright angel. What is it that hast captured
Thy beautiful attention and cause thine eyes to widen
Like the full moon in the Heavens?
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: [Aside.] Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?
Juliet: Gaze within this window, Dear Romeo, and tell me
That I do not see what I see. For, within lie, as cruel as April, the very Mockery of Spring Flower Cakes.
Romeo: As cruel as April? Who told you April is cruel?
Juliet: Oh, my friend T.S. Eliot.
Romeo: (looking in the window at the cakes) OMG!
WTF! (What the Frosting)
Juliet: Did I not warn you, Dear Romeo?
’Tis too late to avert thine eyes,
For what was once seen cannot ever be unseen.
Romeo: By whose direction found’st thou out this place?
Juliet: “Twas done by accident, my Love,
As we ambled down this street.
Romeo: I cannot believe my orbs;
Truly my vision must be affected.
That first cake, it appears to be a giant flower,
Masquerading as a ballerina,
In a green leotard, one arm raised.
Or, at least I pray that it is an arm.
Look away, Dear Juliet, for
You are too young to see such an appendage.
Juliet: I am sadden by those black roses
On the next two offerings.
Who would sully such cakes
With such foulness?
It makes my head feel faint.
I think I need an aspirin.
Romeo: Here, Dear Juliet, have one of these.
Juliet: What is that? I usually take my remedy as a powder.
Romeo: This is something new: powder in a pill, called a capulet.
Avert thine eyes, O Juliet!
Some prankish lad has let his dog befoul the next cake!
I fear that Ferryn’s birthday has forever been soiled,
For no doggie should ever do his doo-doo like he do.
Juliet: O, that my tears of sadness could water this
Poor cactus, and restore it to life.
Mores the pity for anyone who takes delight in this
Sad succulent.
Romeo: Alas, it is withered and worn,
Covered with the Spots of Death.
Juliet: Out, out, damned spots!
Romeo: Again, turn thou fair head, Dear Juliet.
Do not gaze upon those desecrated Roses.
‘Tis as if their stems were denuded,
Stripped of their thorns and leaves
And left naked and ashamed,
A mockery of Love.
This belies my belief that
That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.
Juliet: O, Dear Romeo! Look away! Look away!
Next I see buried babies, struggling to rise up through the earth!
Romeo: The horror! The horror!
What kind of Heart of Darkness could make that?
I fear it is the Baby Zombie Apocalypse!
This cake is dead to me.
Juliet: There is thankfully but one more.
What dost thou make of it, Dear Romeo?
Is it safe to see?
Romeo: Alas, My Juliet. It appears to be a sex cake.
Behold – no, don’t look, that’s just an expression – the
Sperm of a stripped creature – perhaps a tiger or a zebra –
Or maybe a bee. Yes, a bee.
It is the story of the birds and bees, awaiting the birds,
For all know that babies come from the birds and the bees,
When the two entwine.
But alas, there are no birds….
An incomplete entwining….
O, Dear Juliet, run, run, for this cake speaks
Of a deed done by one hand
And is not fit for your visage.
Juliet: O, poor Romeo. Can these Bakers
Not celebrate Spring Flowers with scenes
More pleasing to the eye?
Must they seek to soil Spring?
Romeo: We must warn the others of this travesty.
My tongue will tell the anger of my heart,
Or else my heart concealing it will break.
Juliet: Ah….that’s from another play…..
Romeo: Oh. Sorry…..
My personal take on this seems to be that most of these cakes are suffering from flower pooh, also known as floral faces.
@Miriam: Bwahaha
@SuBee: as a long time fan of e.e. cummings (who inspired me to use lower case letters in my name) I salute and applaud you're work! It is always a treat to see literary references here, and yours is a gem! Thanks.
Well, I think that the little baby-hands are sweet! They remind me of the Kipling story "How the Leopard Got His Spots" and the finger trick used in it.
@Subee- Yay! I love e.e. cummings; my favorite phrase in the actual poem was "when the world is puddle-wonderful".
@Sharyn-January 19, 1809 is E.A. Poe's REAL birthday; I sent him a card by Raven-Post.
=^~.-^=
Hmmm...Maybe the recipient of the fist/finger cake has arthritis???????
Those garden slugs peeking out from their hidey holes are, unfortunately, pretty spot on. I remember my mom going out in the evenings (because that's when they emerge from said hidey holes) with a milk jug with a little salt water in it to collect them from her garden. Thanks for that fun memory!
It looks like one of the finger flowers is trying to crawl off the edge? Reminds me of Thing from The Addams Family.
Seriously, play "Tiptoe through the Tulips" while you read the lyrics in the first comment. It will make your whole day.
Fingers? Those look more like worms! And I could almost hear the wet squishy sounds of those slugs in the first picture moving around....yuck!
@SuBee- Awesome!
vile-ets,SuBee -- most excellent! And ugh, just ugh, to all the cakes.
Great job, Sharyn! Now, I'll hear Tiny Tim for the rest of the afternoon!
Seriously, though... that first cake nearly made me sick. Slugs... urf!
Cake 1: Tentacles with that flower? Why, yes! How appetizing!
Cakes 2, 3 and 4: Were these wreckerators color blind?
Cake 7: Those didn't look like fingers to me. I was thinking of a body area that's lower, and more hidden, and needs a certain "preparation" sometimes. If you get my drift.
@Miriam, the bee cake just came into sharp focus. Um, thanks?
Is that *bacon* on that honey bee cake?
Ugh, did you notice that the dead cactus "cake" is actually cupcakes connected with a giant swath of frosting?
The finger-flower cake is not a cow, and yet, inexplicably, it reminds me of one.
That first cake looks like some kind of mutant octopus flower thing, and those bees freak me out.
I think the first cake is adorable, in a 'baby Cthulhu' kind of way. Maybe it's for a shower?
"Congratulations on your new little tentacled one, destroyer of cakes!"
I didn't immediately think finger flowers... All I thought was "Flowers? Why not Zoidberg?"
@Midnight Writer: Standing Ovation, Sir! You had me giggling out loud (which is very hard to do); I guffawed most heartily at the definition of a capulet, but I also loved your take on how Juliet speaks and yet doesn't. The whole thing was brilliant, brill-IANT, BRILLIANT, I TELL YOU! GENIUS, I SAY !!!! (Pause) Or, to save on postage....
First cake: Those are Banana Slugs. I don't care what the wreckerator claims, THOSE. ARE. BANANA. SLUGS.
Second-to-last cake: You say "fingers", I say, "Planar Warts".
Chicken nubs, anyone?
My 6yr old daughter's ballet recital is being performed to Tiptoe Through the Tulips. I have to hear that song about 10986874 times a week for practice. I will never hear it the same way again. I also may be kicked out of the performance for excessive laughter. And for that, I thank you!
"Hidden Mickey" poo nuggets!
Midnight writer - BRILLIANT!
@SaraCVT: Thank you so much for your comment and your exuberance. I enjoyed writing it, and appreciate your giggling and guffawing! We're all here to have fun....
Lol @Midnight Writer. I loved your missing Romeo and Juliet scene. Haven't laughed so hard in a long time so thank you for that. I did love the wedding cake except the dead black roses on it. Wow.. wonders if an evil ex delivered that one to the wedding. Lol.
No longer lurking in order to acknowledge The Midnight Writer's brilliant contribution. Loved it! So smart; so funny.
The monogram on cake #2 is very fitting in a rather gross military way. Someone had KP "doody" on the mind while decorating instead of duty.
ha ha my birthday was yesterday! the first day of spring!!!!
Glad I didn't get one of THOSE cakes!!! XD
@sweetfavors: thank you! I had fun....
@Arlene: thank you, and you're welcome for the laughter -- that's the other L that makes the world go around...and why we all gather here...
@Megan's Mom: thank you for your comment; I appreciate your posting it...thanks for reading Cake Wrecks and being a part of this fantastic family.....
Those aren't bees - those are the rare striped Vermicious Knids!
I believe that even chickens deserve a pretty manicure, should they want one.
(Also, Persephone's comment is hilarious.)
@Midnight Writer - Wow!
@Seabird: thanks you.....
Fist Flowers of Doom = a good name for a rock band.