SHARKNADO
July 15, 2013 If you're like me, then all the uproar in the news the past few days has you asking the hard questions about our society.
Specifically, what the heck is "Sharknado," and why is everyone talking about it?
Well, after extensive research*, I've determined that a sharknado is what happens when one of these:
(*I watched the trailer.)
;)
... picks up some of these:
;)
... and dumps them on a group of D-list actors in the midst of painfully-scripted relationship woes.
This is all, of course, due to climate change.
Now, you might expect a tornado dumping the ocean's contents onto dry land to look like this:
;)
Saddest. Birthday cake. EVER.
But happily Hollywood has set the record straight by revealing it would actually look like this:
;)
Only with more chainsaws. And explosions. And bad one-liners. ("Give 'em a hand!")
There are also plenty of bombs being thrown from helicopters because - why didn't I think of this? - the D-list actors have to shoot the sharks out of the sky:
;)
Pew pew, monkey fighters!
If you're starting to think this just might be the greatest movie ever made, then I should warn you that the sharks do NOT come with frickin' laser beams on their heads. (Sorry, Dr. Evil.)
However, it does "star" Tara Reid, so those of us who haven't seen it yet can still hold out hope for a happy ending.
;)
Don't worry; I have it on good authority she went in there with a chainsaw.
Thanks to Ted S., Jennifer M., Liz B., Boo, Thia S., & Marley Y. for the classic "fish-out-of-water" tale.
Reader Comments (67)
Better fish tank cake
than those using a fish tank.
Also, less smelly.
Boy, Syfy really dumped the shark on this one...
(Good news, because of the way Sharknado lit up Twitter, Syfy's re-airing it July 18, for those of us* who missed it!)
*which would be pretty much everybody
So, Haiku Joy just sent me the synopsis from Wikipedia, but reading it caused her brain to melt, so I'm reposting it with her permission:
They decide to try to stop the threat of the incoming "sharknadoes" by tossing bombs into them from helicopters.
As Nova prepares to throw one of the bombs, she falls out of the helicopter and directly into a shark's mouth. Matt, who has fallen for her, is heartbroken. Baz is also lost in the storm. After Matt lands on the ground, a flying shark plummets toward the remaining members of the group. Fin jumps into its mouth with a chainsaw and cuts his way out. He emerges carrying an unconscious but miraculously unharmed Nova.
What the heck is up with cake #4? I can NOT figure out what it is supposed to be! A swimming pool for the disembodied? Hannibal Lecter's jewelry box and/or thermos? An angelic soccer field? Some kind of symbolic religious awakening (created after eating bad Chinese food, perhaps?)? The others are just your run of the mill "I am "decorating" this cake using my feet/elbows and absolutely no skill/aptitude/pride for minimum wage and I am late for my ciggie break", but cake #4 is something else entirely! I just don't know what.
Strange cakes but the last one???? Why would anyone buy that?
What makes this movie so much bigger than all the other monster mash-ups on Syfy? Well, the "rkn" in the middle of the word!
How wonderful is that last cake as THE ULTIMATE DIET CAKE? It is guaranteed to induce a gag reflex so sustained and uncontrollable that you will never ever want to eat cake again.
As I was opening Cake Wrecks this morning, my husband and I were discussing the nuclear option being deployed in the US Senate (because we're just that exciting.) So I said, "Nuclear option? At least it's not Sharknado!" just as the home page appeared before me.
So here I am and I have to say that, as a group, these are just fabulous. I don't know which one I love the most. The tornadic carrot, then angelic choirshark, the aquarium carnage (we once lost thousands of dollars in fish in a tragic aquarium accident. It looked just like this cake, but it wasn't funny,) the dismembered patient therapy pool--Each one is perfect in it's own way.
But nothing beats the babies flying on giant flower petals trying to reach the safety of the giant flip flops before the flying fish get them. Unless you count the last cake. That beats everything.
These cakes are um...awesome? Wow. I'm not sure what's worse, the fact that Jen had these on hand to create a Sharknado post (that last one is a LOT disturbing, but not nearly as much as the "dismembered patient therapy pool" [well said @ SuBee]) or that I'll miss out on Sharknado *again* because here in Canada, I don't get Syfy...
For the record, I'm leaning towards option 'A', I mean how great can a channel be if one of it's previous movies was something called Big A$$ Spider (Thanks Twitter - I'm still having nightmares about the tilte ;) )? I'm *so* glad that movie didn't inspire a Cakewrecks post!
I just want to slap the person who came up with the title of that movie.
Thanks for the much needed laughs :D and Haiku joy hehehehe. I actually like the last kone in a sick way(cringes)
You really KILLED today, Jen! You just sunk your TEETH into these wrecks and tore them to SHREDS.
Those cakes really jumped the shark.
JUST when I thought it was safe to go back in the bakery...
=^-.-^=
I am just really impressed you managed to have so many on topic cakes. :)
Best line in Sharknado: "I think you're gonna need a bigger helicopter."
The last cake is pure, unadulterated WINNING.
And awesome-sauce.
I want one.
As one who grew up running to the theater to see every B-movie ever made (particularly horror flicks) in the 1950's, it is with a certain fondness that I love movies like this. Armed with a huge nickel bag of popcorn and maybe a soda, I was perfectly willing to apply Samuel Taylor Coleridge's "willing suspension of disbelief" for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon. And now, a some years later, I'm still more than willing to do it again. Whether or not this movie will stand up to its predecessors like "Dinoshark," "Sharktopus," or "Frankenfish," remains to be seen, but my guess is that in some small segment of the world, this oeuvre will live forever. In a way, these movies are like the wrecks we enjoy here: what happens when professional movies go horribly, hilariously wrong.
Cake number five has been here on cakewrecks before, I'm guessing the writers of Sharknado saw it while at a particularly low moment of inspiration and sanity and BAM a movie was born! I would love to know how they pitched it to the producers, I bet the last cake was involved.
I was just finishing an award-winning response to this post when my screen went blip and everything was dark as a shark inside. Must have been something I said.
Anyway, inquiring minds want to know if giant carrots are as dangerous as airbourne sharks? And how do those helicopters manage to A) stay in the air in a carrot/tornado, and B) manage to "safely" drop bombs in the afore mentioned veggie storm? Maybe Mel knows. I'll never find out as I don't have tv and haven't figured out watching things on the computer.
I'll just sit home that night and eat carrot cake.
And, by the way, I must be spending too much time here.
This week-end I was looking at the table of elements, which I do periodically, and as I was reflecting on calcium, potassium and Einsteinium, I found myself becoming hungry and had this inexplicable desire for CaKEs. It was a strange feeling, and as I continued perusing potassium and other elements, like barium, erbium and yttrium, I had an overwhelming desire to go to a BaKErY. As if I were being drawn by some magnetic pull, I soon found myself at the local sweets store.
“May I help you?” asked one of the BaKErS.
“I need CaKEs,” I replied.
“CuP CaKEs?” he asked.
“NO,” I answered, “just regular CaKEs, like ThOSe,” I said, pointing.
“ONe?” he asked.
“No, I need two,” I responded as I looked at the FrEsH ones on display and noted the various ICIN on them.
“What kind of FrOsTiN do you want?” the BaKEr asked.
“Just regular. Maybe you could add some decorative flowers,” I added.
“What colors?”
I was feeling a bit patriotic, so I said, “O, how about some ReDs, WHITeS and BLuEs?”
“Any MoRe?” the BaKEr asked.
“No, thanks.”
“Any YAlOW?” he said.
I thought he said yellow, so I just said NO thanks.”
“Do YOU want some BrOWN stems?”
“NO thanks,” I said, and then added, “it looks too much like PoOP.”
He didn’t LaFF. He didn’t smile. “Do you think we make CaKEs that are WReCKS?” he asked indignantly.
“O, NO” I quickly said, “NeVEr.”
“Is that all for YOU?” he asked.
“YEs,” I replied.
“OK,” he said as he put my two CaKEs in BOXeS and set them on the counter.
“Do YOU take VISAs credit card?” I asked, reaching for my wallet.
“Too many FeES with credit cards,” he said. “Only CaSH or CHeCK.”
“Thanks,” I said as I gave him CAsH and left. It had certainly been a strange morning, I thought, as I went home to eat my CaKEs and then maybe take a BaTh or SHOWEr and then enjoy a little SiEsTa.
@Sharyn (& I guess Haiku Joy for starting it) - You must have the spoiler gene; it runs in my hubby's family. Both he & his mom have ruined *several* movies by telling me the ending because A) "It was sooo cool, I just had to share." or B) "Well, you might not want to watch X get killed or Y happen...you're *so* emotional, you know..." Yeah, that's right, I fall apart every time I watch a movie (NOT!), not to mention the time I panicked when you took off the front of your leg with the worktable while cutting plywood for the woods with hurricane Katrina coming in & then the kids thought you were bleeding to death...oh, wait, I didn't panic, it was YOU!!!! (the hubby) I was the one that calmed said children (& YOU), bandaged you up so well that the ER thought a nurse had done it, AND I packed the entire house into two cars & spent TEN hours in evacuation traffic with TWO small children & a DORA DVD playing NONSTOP... Uhh, did I say that out loud?! Never mind... Just tell us we can look it up next time, K? Thx.
I think Maureen wins the interwebs today! Great puns, esp.. "jumped the shark," HA!!!
Prism, I am right there with you in your musings about cake #4. I'm not sure what's more confusing -- the angels or the disembodied hands. Are they supposed to be volleyball players who are submerged, or are they victims of a horror movie villian? And why don't the soaking angels look worried? And what the heck are the brown squiggles supposed to represent?
Best post ever! Reminds me of a Monty Python skit, "Scott of the Sahara." Which was one of the first things we saw on our rented TV when we lived on England for a year in the early 70's. What an intro to British culture!
I'm sorry, KarateLady. I honestly didn't mean to spoil SharknadoGhostbusters for the first time just a few months ago.
I'll try to be more careful next time.
As another lover of all things B-Movie and ScyFy channel - I was SHOCKED to discover that someone took the time to debunk Sharknado: http://io9.com/someone-actually-bothered-to-debunk-the-idea-of-a-shark-777632307. So, if you have been lying awake at night wondering how you will ever survive - it's all fake! It's a movie!!
Anyway - love the cakes and the last one is brilliant - was it made for the opening of Sharknado? Or was this some lucky kid's birthday cake?
CorgiLvr
Hey, I like number 5! Baby's going to get eaten and since I'm an atheist I'm supposed to be all for that. And how else can you make a palm tree from frosting? Waaayyy over the water. Okay, in the water.
Thank you to mel for getting Wet Dream (Kip Addotta) stuck in my head, and to Jen for actually researching "Sharknado". I had no idea what it was, but I figured that like many things on the internet, I might be better off not knowing. After the cup of frosting, I've been careful not to let my curiosity get the better of me. :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvR62wf9Qm4&feature=youtube_gdata_player
I hope that link works! If not, look up Flula, sequel to sharknado. Since I live on a farm, I'm dreading a "cownami!"
There was a whole middle part of my apology comment that went AWOL. I'll leave it to my friends here to fill in the sentences between "Sharknado" and "Ghostbusters." I'm red laughing at it now.
#1 Salmon paste, anyone?
#2 Uh, 'Pop'? If the kids suggest a beach day, I'd decline it.
#3 Irate customer: "When I ordered a fish cake, this is not at all what I had in mind!"
Counter drone: "This is the bakery department. The deli is over there."
#4 Watch for the re-release of Sam Peckinpah's "Pool Party." "Marco Polo will never be the same."
#5 The only survivor from the last bakery struck by...Flotsamado.
#6 Shark training instructor: "Never get too friendly with the sharks. Just...don't."
Shark: "Hi, chum!"
All in all, I'd say these probably came from a wrecknado.
That's OK, Haiku Joy. I'll live. Spoiling Sharknado is a minor offense compared to letting the cat out of the bag for, say, The SIXTH SENSE, or one of the Harry Potter movies, or the last Matrix movie, or one of the Lord of the Rings movies...and I'm still peeved at the ad guy who thought it would be a great idea to put a spoiler right on a Princess-Bride poster! I was too young to read the book so the movie would have been a complete surprise...until that %$$@#$#%^%$&^*%(*& movie poster!!!
But I'm not bitter...much...
:-) (Seriously, I'm not. I just remind my hubby to NEVER share spoilers with me. Luckily his mom doesn't go out to the movies anymore, so I usually see them before she can spoil them for me... :-)
@mel - you must have one of those shirts that reads...
Flourine
Uranium
Carbon
Potassium
:-)
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the bakery...
=^-.-^=
There are not enough words to say how much I love this post. Seriously. Instant classic, much like the film itself.
Okay, wait. That sounded sarcastic. It wasn't supposed to be sarcastic. I mean in terms of classic B movie Sharknado will be a classic, but this post will be a classic just for the sheer awesomeness of making fun of the B movie...you know what? I'm going to stop digging. Suffice it to say, this post was awesome in a good way.
I <3 mel. That is all.
As a scientist, that was AWESOME!!
Is it too much to ask to get some frickin sharks with frickin laser beams attached to their frickin heads??
This from one of my Flickr contacts yesterday: feeling peckish!
@ Haiku Joy - It must be catching, cuz I just realized my post sez "...plywood for the woods..." when it should say "...plywood for the windows...". Obviously the woods have no need of plywood - they have real wood, & plenty of it, whereas windows have none (unless they're old-fashioned, in which case their frame might be wood), and are in *great* need of a plywood covering when there's a hurricane bearing down on your city...
@ shannon - I see whatcha did there... :-)
Must order cake no. 4. Because EVERYONE wants a cake with a pool that's turned green with algae, has parellel blood trails running through it, and featured chopped-off body parts floating on top. Yikes.
Everyone is in top form today, which I really needed today. Jen, Sharyn, Karate!ady, and Haiku Joy, you rock! And mel, thanks for adding your humorous elements.
Since I live in Nebraska, which is the northern end of Tornado Alley, we are used to hearing the beeeeeeeeeeeep of the tornado warning notice on TV and radio during stormy weather. My question is this: if a sharknado is approaching, do they replace the beeeeeeeeeeeep with the theme from Jaws? Da dum ... Da dum ... Da dum da dum da dum da dum aaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee!!!!
Just wondering.
Cake 4 is actually quite clever if you look at it as a swimming pool.
I feel sad for poor little SadSharkCake. He/she really does look sad. Sad, sad, sad!!! And why shouldn't he/she? YOU would NOT be happy with nothing to eat but stupid plastic Aristocratic Barbie pieces(check out all that blue blood).Not, not, not!!!! Bye-bye, Blue-blood Barbie! Nice not knowing you.
=^--.--^=
That last is the best Barbie cake EVER!
I watched the first 10 minutes in hopes of one of those "so-bad-it's-good" movies, but alas, I couldn't hold back my shame and horror for the "actors". Love these cakes though!
The pictures were well just awful anx funny. Reading comments just great and priceless. Laughs too
Are they...ill tempered?
I really love this blog, but this has to be my favorite entry ever!
Thank you for all the tears and laughter,
well, tears caused from laughing so hard...
Keep up the wreck reporting.
I can't believe your dumping on SHARKNADO! Good Lord! Instant classic, totally. Two whole hours of laughing one's arse off can't not be a jolly good time!
Mon Dieu, it was terrible. Just...terrible. I would take any of these cakes over watching that movie again any day of the week. And for anyone who's seen it, what letter fell on the dude? My money's on the W. Sadly, couldn't really tell...
Any Canadians who want to catch this beauty, it's on Space tomorrow night. I just saw the commercial as I was typing my comment lol
}:)
@drgns4vr: I've heard that the last recorded carrot tornado only affected trees and tore their covering into matchstick-sized pieces...it was called Julienne, not as bad as sharks because it was all bark and no bite. As for the helicopters, their whirling blades turn them into giant salad spinners, keeping the carrot tornado away from the helicopters while they drop the bombs. I hope this helps....
@SuBee: lol...
@Muria: love that song...wish I had written it!
@KarateLady: haha...(no, I don't....)
@Shannon: thanks so much... (and it's always nice to be less than 3'd)...I had fun with this, and am glad you enjoyed it.
@TLC: lol...clever....
The bad news is that the last one was a birthday cake for Bethany Hamilton. The good news is that they found her arm!
Having also "extensively researching" this movie, I was at a loss to figure out why it exhausts.
Then I realized that next Shark Week's episode of Mythbusters is totally taken care of now (I can only suppose that they called up the produces and asked for explosions and chainsaws with their sharks).