Good Neighbors
June 24, 2013 Jen and I live in a... diverse neighborhood. Lots of families, a few older folks, the occasional renter and/or drug dealer. Your basic American street. But my favorite has to be the family that lives a few doors down and entertains us each night at the top of their lungs. So today, I give you:
Things I hear while taking out the trash at two in the morning
(I put all the dialogue in extra large bold font to help you really appreciate the experience.)
"Put a diaper on that girl, Jimmie!"
;)
"BILL! BILL!!! IF WE DON'T LEAVE BY 3AM ALL THE FISH WILL BE GONE!!! BILLLLLL!!!"
;)
"PRECIOUS! PREEEE-CIOOOOUS! COME INSIDE. HERE BOY. C'MERE. C'MON. C'MERE. C'MERE, BOY." (Stepping just out of the door and raising voice even more) "PRECIOUS! GET IN HERE NOW!"
;)
"You want Cheez-Whiz on your hotdog?"
;)
"So I says to her, hey, for two hundred bucks it had gosh durn BETTER be real yak hair."
;)
"GOSH DANGIT, MONTU GOT DOWN THE DRAIN AGAIN. CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, BILL!"
;)
"NOPE, NEVERMIND; SHE'S JUST OUT IN THE YARD. MONTU, BABY! COME BACK! NO, DON'T GO IN THE NEIGHBOR'S WINDOW! BAD BOA! BAD!!"
;)
Thanks to Elena P., Jill T., Lawanda J., Rahman C., Colleen M., Pamela S., & Hannah C. for being neighborly.
Reader Comments (81)
As always, thank you for the laughs.
Well, John(thoJ), at least your neighbors are interesting. It would be a bit harder to match cakes to my neighbors' midnight (or 3am) yammerings - all we get are car doors slamming repeatedly and drunken laughter.
Because I am always curious about the oddest things, I had to google "uses for yak hair" to see just what your neighbours were up to with this costly yak product. Who knew there were so many uses for yak hair?! It can be used for anything from rope (fFor tying up Precious?) to fly whisks (May work to shoo snakes?) to fake beards (Anybody's guess there.). Thanks again Cake Wrecks for inspiring my continuing education.
My only question is why did your neighbors come so close to naming their snake 'Monty' without actually doing so. Is it NOT a python?
Dear folks: the commenter who commented about tenants and signed as "mel" is not the Mr. Potato, Head Counsel" mel.... Sorry for any confusion....
Seeing that boa on top of the pile of intestines just constricted my bowels a little. Yikes!
@Jodee-- sadly, no, these messterpieces will not be touring.... Someone (wisely) took one look at them and felt it would be better to follow Marie Antoinette's advice: let them eat cake. We are all grateful for this.
@Haiku Joy: in your absence I will try to fill in. May I be worthy...
Ugly stinky fish.
Dead, you float in pool of mud—
I loathe to eat you.
As hysterical as all these are, the Yak wool one makes a lot of sense to a person who spins and knits. $200 would be a bargain. It's like cashmere, only nicer.
Spaghetti and hotdogs???
it was all fun and games until that last cake. The smile was wiped off my face and we had a long moment of awkward silence before quickly changing the subject...
*Sigh* I'd prefer Montu to my current neighbours. Boas don't have loud, profane arguments at 2am.
@john (tho yadda yadda);
WELL!!! I am folding my arms across my chest in a Big Huff! AND sticking my tongue out at the BACK of your HEAD (when you're not looking)!! *pout* *grumble* *whine* You ALWAYS take her side!
*waggles fingers with thumbs in ears*
=^-.-^=
I read this and of course the comments while rocking the baby to sleep tonight. Big mistake! I was containi g the giggles nicely until SaraV and the "yipyipyipyip...uhuh" and which point I snorted and woke the baby. Got her back to sleep and then made it to BADkarma. There was no holding back the laughter. Hence why i am just now posting a comment as it took a while to get baby back to sleep yet again. Thanks for the laughs! And yes yes i know better than to read CW with a baby in the same room!.
I love the grill cake. If my boyfriend were not the cake maker, I'd try it for his birthday.
All I can think is why on earth would someone put snakes on a cake?? If I saw one I would probably return that cake so fast it would fly into the wreckerators face. Yikes. I don't even want to describe what the hot dogs remind me of.. other than nightmares on a plate..yuck.
First cake...Why are the legs going around the butt cheeks? It looks like it is straddling two balloons. How the heck you gonna get a diaper on that weird a~~ deformed baby?
(OO)
Regarding the third overheard comment: is your neighbor by any chance Gollum?
@TLC - You didn't happen to live on 42nd St in Lincoln, Nebraska, about five years ago? Because...ummm...yeah...about that...*sheepish grin*
@shannon - Glad to make you laugh, but do apologize for the bad timing. ;-/
John, I must commend you for taking out the trash. That's the best part of today's post. Because those neighbors are all too familiar!
Every time I hear about a dog named 'Precious' I have to fight off the urge to...well, re-enact this scene.
http://youtu.be/ydXNfifKQU0?t=23s
After that last cake . . . I'd move. Only thing worse than finding the snake is NOT finding the snake, if you know what I mean.
(pokes sending in the manubrium)
Katimomkat - haiku are big enough for everyone to play. I loved yours. :-) If I had haikued yesterday, it would have been over that . . moldy? peppered? . . . fish.
I feel slightly disappointed in my neighbors now...
The best I've ever gotten out of them is their frequently loud and drunken arguments and almost driving through the front of the house...
Oh and that one time prince charming set girlfriend-on-the-side's hair on fire on the front porch.
And the time he got in a fistfight with the tree...
How do I love you? Let me explain- no, there is too much- let me sum up:
Insomniac fish feed your neighbors? Good. (Sharyn)
And don't whiz on my hot dog. (khereva)
5: I've seen expressions like that on real people. Whatever it conveys, it's never good. (sendingtheclowns)
7) Boa vs. Blender: Round One (The Midnight Writer)
or I'll pull this car over, so help me. -john (thoJ)
@craig "he who made kittens put snakes in the grass" is not stuck in my head. gee, ty.
(and 1/2" is juuust right for frosting on a cupcake)
Kate, he should give trees a chance.
@ SarahD
Just recall that "yak" is also a verb. As in "I think I'm gonna yak."
@ CarolineB
10 stone? (BTW, that's 140lb. for us yanks) Holy crap! Is that apiece, or for the pair?
@ Craig
How about "My Preciousssss"?
I don-t know - someone who'd name their pet serpent after the dynastic god of Middle Period Egypt must be a little bit worth knowing.
Lol!! Love your blog! They probably said real "yaki" hair. Which is a type of human hair that is used for wigs, extensions and sewn in weaves.
I've thought about coming and visiting you from my end of Orlando, but you just scared and scarred me with the thoughts of Montu. And Evelyn .... that was probably 3 different trips, so I'm thinking you're a slow learner. Of course the raccoon and possum were just spooky. The skunk was over the top.
I have been lurking on the fringes of this site for about three months now--usualy I only get to read it between 5pm&6pm on the night I work late, but today being a preholiday screw it day, got to look at it a little longer, and I am glad I did!!!I have not laughed so hard in all my life as I did today-both the pics and all the comments that came with them, plus our beloved friends out in blogland and their thoughts!!! I just had to tell you, John, that this is a classic post....never to be forgotten(some of the images are burned into my retinas). Thanks for making a blah day a great day!!!!