Oscar Aftermath
February 25, 2013 So, how 'bout those Oscars last night, huh? Hoo-WHEE. Good times. Like, that dress? And that thing what's-his-face said? And, oh - that montage?! WOW.
;)
This Oscar cookie is very excited. Or...not.
Ok, fine, I didn't actually watch the Oscars last night. Except the bit with Captain Kirk and the soft-shoe number, since I figured it could only all go downhill from there. However, for your edu-tainment [wink] I've decided to present my own personal homage to all of the Best Picture nominees. Right after I google them to find out what they are.
[googling]
Wow, I haven't seen ANY of these. Still, they're Oscar nominees, so you know that means they're the very best soul-crushingly depressing pieces of cinema to make you want to sit in ashes and sack cloth while weeping over the injustice and frailty of the human condition.
[poker face]
...so let's get right to it!!
Lincoln
Look, I don't want to spoil the ending or anything, so here: Lincoln's hat.
;)
Zero Dark Thirty
I'm sure you've heard the same things I have about this movie, which is to say it has torture in it.
In other news: this cake is supposed to say "You're Awesome."
;)
You may now make your own inappropriate jokes.
(This way *I* don't get the e-mails. WIN-WIN.)
Amour
With a name like "Love" I actually had a wild moment of hope thinking this movie wouldn't elicit much wailing and gnashing of teeth, but then I read the synopsis. Yeeeeah. When will you learn, Jen?
Anyway, I don't have a cake celebrating old age and debilitating disease, but I *do* have something nearly as romantic:
;)
"Unnng, girl, I just spent $6.99 on this with my price saver card. Yeah. What was your name again?"
Argo
;)
It's an alien skull and crossbones. Because sci-fi. And pirates. You know, ARRRRRRgo?
WORK WITH ME HERE, PEOPLE.
Beasts of the Southern Wild
;)
'Nuff said.
Django Unchained
This is a Quentin Tarantino film, so of course it's extremely violent and wholly inappropriate for children.
;)
Yeah, like that.
Les Misérables
Oooh, finally, a story I know! I saw Les Mis performed live once in the theater (pronounced "thay-uh-tah" for maximum snobbery), and then spent the next six weeks trying to beat "Master of the House" out of my brain. That song should be weaponized, you guys. Seriously. You could get entire battlefields to surrender, all of them cry-singing, "Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye, AAAUUGGHH MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKEITSTOP."
Anyway, this next cake is supposed to be a fireman, but he looks a lot more like the bad guy in Les Mis to me:
;)
"We'll be ready for these schoolboys, they will wet themselves WITH BLOOD. Which I will catch in my handy-dandy little yellow cup here!
"So...ice cream?"
Life of Pi
Once again I had a vain hope of some light-hearted comedy, but no. Shipwreck, dead family, stranded on a life boat with a wild tiger...you know, the usual.
;)
I like how the wreckerator saved me the trouble with that label there.
BONUS PI PIE:
;)
No, it's not really a wreck - it's actually quite brilliant.
Silver Linings Playbook
Ok, I just read the synopsis on this one, and other than the broken marriage, almost beating a guy to death, mental illnesses, and gambling addictions, it seems like a fun romp!
Plus there's dancing!
;)
To be fair, Wikipedia didn't say what kind of dancing.
Well, congrats again to the nominees, since I'm sure they all managed to be far more depressing than these wrecks. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to click through all the "best-dressed" slideshows and find out if the folks on Twitter ever found out what WAS up with Kristen Stewart's hair.
I'd like to thank the Academy, my hubby John, and of course Amy K., Ashley L., Sarah B., Suzanne A., Robin H., Danielle G., Kelsey E., Sam H., Taylor G., Rachel W., & Anony M. You like me! You REALLY like me!
Reader Comments (64)
OH GOD. The "tiger". I died laughing so hard my boyfriend came running in from the other room afraid something was wrong with me.
Well now I am glad I missed out on the Oscars lol. Just looking at these wrecks is enough for me especially the happy cookie hehe. And what on earth possessed the wreckerator to decorate a cake with dead looking plastic animals? Scary..
If I'm not mistaken, that's a Raspberry Pi.
Lija, JD, nnptcgrad: thank you for explaining! makes much more sense now! there are paternity test shows? omg, why? sometimes i'm glad i don't own a tv, even if i occasionally feel like i'm living under a rock. but then, even if i had one i wouldn't get to watch american channels without getting satelite tv, and i'm definitely not spending money on that.
Craig: i'm aware of the "what is a wreck" thing, but didn't get why this one was funny or why it would implicate that the guy forgot the mom's name before the explanation. regarding les miserables and the containing songs: not seen it yet. having a toddler and a baby with disagreeing sleep patterns will do that to one's ability to watch movies. but the description of that wreck works without having to know the song.
On the pole dancer cake, I'm really confused by the piles of hummus garnished with coffee beans and parsley.
Ok, @LcP -- Theardare says he'll let it go. This time. Just...you know.
As for me, I was trying to think of what song MOTH (what an acronym, eh?) reminded me. I finally realized, then immediately wished I had not pursued that line of inquiry, because it led to: 'Shaddup You Face'. Oy.
It's a tiger?
IT'S A TRAP.
Thanks, Craig. I hope you come back here and read this.
Um, are those beige things on the stripper cake... how do I put this... lady parts? Parsley is old slang for lady bits (as you might know from Sweeney Todd if you're a musical fan - "wouldn't you like to push me parsley?") and the coffee is rather dark like hair and... yeah. I'm surprised no one really cottoned onto that fully.
That last cake is so cruel! That poor girl is in a swamp, surrounded by monsters who were hiding at the bottom (they still have rocks and greenery on their backs). If she loses her grip on the pole - well, those swirls in the water show what happens. WHAT TWISTED FIEND MADE THIS CAKE?
@Diddleymaz the Fireman cake is most definitely a UK cake! It was made for a friend of a friend and is nothing short of hilarious. Gross and hilarious.
Wait, is that PARSLEY on the pole dancer cake? WTF? That's even more inappropriate than the pole dancer on top of it.
Do we win a prize if we accurately identify what i thought were oysters on the last cake?
Wow, Les Mis, huh?
I've... never seen a cake with phimosis before.......