You Want Vagina Cakes? I'LL GIVE YOU VAGINA CAKES.
October 25, 2013 WARNING:
This post is so completely not-safe-for-work that I advise waiting til you get home, clearing the area of innocents, and then blinding yourself with Tabasco sauce before proceeding.
Did I mention this post is NSFW? And, like, super gross?
Yes?
Ok.
I notice you're still scrolling.
Last chance to turn back!
Fine.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
******
I'm not usually one to bow to peer pressure, peeps, but this past week it seems all anyone is talking about are vagina cakes. Suddenly reporters are clamoring at my inbox again, demanding to know my "favorite vagina cake" and the best resuscitation techniques for scandalized mothers-in-law. Major websites are plundering Pinterest and posting as many strawberry-filled, chocolate sprinkles sprinkled hoo-haws as they can find, with captions like "EMPOWERING OR ICKY? ONE TODDLER FINDS OUT."
I blame myself.
And Stephen Fry.
So I've held out as long as I can, really, I have. But the time has come. Yes, the people want what the people want, and I am here to give it to those people.
Plus, these other vagina cakes everyone's posting? Puh-LEASE. Those things are NOTHING - NOTHING - compared to what I'm faced with on a daily basis.
So today, you guys get to feel my pain. Today the gloves - and the censor bars - come off.
Presenting:
The Top 9 Completely Not-Safe-For-Work, Thoroughly Traumatizing, (Sort of) Anatomically Correct and Most Horrendously Graphic Vagina Cakes Of All Time... SO FAR.
You've seen the rest. Now see the most horrifying.
I'll ease you in with a couple of nice, safe examples:
;)
HIYA.
If you turn your head to the side, this next one could almost be that Beetlejuice shrunken-head guy shrugging while wearing a turtleneck:
;)
You totally see it, don't you.
Now, the overhead view:
;)
(Well, technically it's the "underbum" view, but let's not split lips hairs.)
Oh, and you'll soon learn to appreciate the lack of strawberry jam.
;)
(By Laura of Mamma Jamma Cakes)
See?
If you squint a little, you might be able to convince yourself this next one is just a demon baby enjoying a nice hot tub filled with bloody entrails:
;)
Best not to dwell too long on the curly pig-tail thing, though.
Believe it or not, I'm pretty sure demon baby up there is the only homemade vagina cake on this list. Yep, professional bakers are downright PROUD of their crowning achievements, as evidenced by all the nicely photographed and watermarked variations popping up (and out):
;)
Please, bakers. NO MORE HAND OUTS.
In fact, Jo Norton of Just JoJos was all too eager to tell me she was inspired by this very blog to make... [swallowing]...to make... [deep breath]... THIS:
;)
That sound you just heard was me weep-gagging.
WEEP-GAGGING FOREVER.
Also: I KNEW IT. I KNEW bakers were getting inspiration from the wrecks I post. [fist pump] HA!
[sitting back down]
Granted, this is a somewhat hollow victory...
I've been hanging on to this next cake for literally YEARS, figuring if I ever wanted to shut down the blog in a blaze of phallus-filled, amniotic fluid soaked glory, this was my surefire ticket out:
;)
BOOM, BABY.
And yet, that dong-a-riffic, anatomically impossible horror fest up there STILL isn't the worst.
The worst is just SO worse, my friends, that I'm going to give you one more chance to walk away. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF STAYPUFT, WALK... AWAY.
You're still scrolling.
[sigh] Ok. Sorry.
;)
I SAID I WAS SORRY.
(It's mostly made of marzipan. Does that help? No? Yeah, didn't think so.)
Rain down your curses and dry heaves upon Libbie A., Anony M., Brenna, Mary C., Mel M., Jo N., Allie C., and Heather B. for bringing us today's inspiration to skip lunch. And dinner. And all food for ever and all time.
Reader Comments (199)
If you need an argument in favor of waxing your hoo haw, this has to be it.
I give credit to my mom that I sat here eating my lunch (leftover greasy Philly steak samwich from IHOP) while scrolling through this, and I didn't even twitch. Who was my mom, you may ask? Oh, just an emergency room nurse that regaled us all with ER nightmare stories every night sitting around the dinner table. Yea. I'm pretty much completely and totally immune to anything you can throw at me, Jenn. LOL
That last one was the best I think. Just JoJos and Mamma Jamma Cales were good runner-ups.
The last one was pretty bad yes, but believe it or not, it's the first one that gave me the heeby jeebies.
I think that brand of doll was the model for the creepy baby head on spiky legs character in Sid's bedroom in the first Toy Story movie. That was bad enough, but now I expect to see those legs come crawling out of that hoo haw!
These bakers need to learn to use their powers for good.
Good grief. Why?? Just... WHY!!??!
OMG GROSS!!!! What is wrong with people?
Oh. My. GAWD.
Even if you could bring yourself to order that. EVEN IF you could get someone to make it.
WHO ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH WOULD EAT THAT???????????????
i have never posted here, mostly because of the tears of hysterical laughter and i couldn't see the keyboard...but WTF with the last vagina cake??? i can't even begin to imagine the conversation that started that....i need a brain squeegee...i know, i know...you warned me :)
Dismembered babies (gory movie?)....Babies with their heads on wrong (demonic possession?)....Moms to be with their hoohaws on display (in cake--are they Kardashians?)...Halloween must be approaching!
All I have to say is.,..EEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!
so i know i should be horrified by all of the things mentioned above and i am slightly. but what i don't get us why that poor woman having the marzipan c section had weird frilly garters made of newspape
I'm speechless...speechless! I may never be able to look at cake in the same way. Who knew a blog about cakes could work as birth control, lol. That last one would be a great PSA for teens, ha! Seriously can't stop laughing ;)
If I were an expecting lady and someone got this cake for me, I'd tell them to take it right back where it came from. My GOD, in some of them you can see the lips. There's nothing OK about making a cake that features photo-realistic labia.
MY EYES! MY EYES! I guess now I can close my mouth that I just realized was open in pure shock. There are no words that describe my shock. All I can say is I will never do a cake of this manner...EVER!
crying
WHHHHYYYY????? Ew, ew, ew, EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Crowning" achievement. Aha. Ahahaaha. AHAHAHHA.
"Crowning" achievement. Aha. Ahahaaha. AHAHAHHA.
I particularly like the little lace edging on the amputated leg stumps in the last one. Otherwise, it might have been tacky.
Seriously, giving birth to a child is a beautiful experience, but not one that needs to be depicted edibly.
"Push, honey! You're doing great!"
*glances at gooey head emerging from ripping vagina*
"You know, this reminds me of baked goods."
Confused.... baby number 2 looks to be coming out of the wrong end of the disembodied torso?! Is it wrong that this seemed to disturb me more than the others??
BWAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! (breathing) That. Was. Made. of AWESOME!!
ok... so the last one... umm....just wtf?????? I mean if it is coming out in pieces something is wrong ... right?
and the one before it? there is just so much wrong with these cakes I think I may be put off cakes for quite a while and definitely anything with anything even vaguely resembling strawberry jam in/on it.
My eyes! MY EYES!!!
Lest anyone forget what "slice" is a colloquialism for. . .
Now Ghod knows I approve of "ladybits" on general principles as much as the next guy, but please, Please, PLEASE, not on cakes.
@ jeannie
My mom, too. With the same result.
@melanie sparkles @ Melissa @ Pam
I'm pretty sure that the last one is a C-section being performed after the feet had emerged via the traditional route.
I'll just take this opportunity to say, I love my cats and umm,, I think I'll stick to the pie. thanks.
Oh. Dear. GOD.
Home-Ed teachers: no more need to show the abstinence-or-you'll-get-aids movie from the 80s. Just kill two birds with one cake and bake the terror into your highschoolers
Oh. Dear. GOD.
Home-Ed teachers: no more need to show the abstinence-or-you'll-get-aids movie from the 80s. Just kill two birds with one cake and bake the terror into your highschoolers
OK these cakes are perfect the next time I want to diet. Tape one or two to my fridge and I won't have any problem at all not eating!
I just...but uh... I don't
Yeah I got nuthin
Time to wrap it up guys, or you'll have to head out.
Was just grossed out until I got to baby boom, and laughed so hard I had to look to the heavens questioning if this was how I would die. CIS: "apparently she died from laughing at these vaginacakes."
Y in the hell would u want a stupid cake like these ones , in my opioin they are offensive,!
I'm still laughing so hard, I'm crying! I don't know which is funnier---the cakes, or the comments!
The answer regarding the last cake is. it was a breech birth so we see feet but because of the babies breech presentation a c-section had to be done thus the head in the doctors hands.
BTW This was Gross! Hilarious but Gross.
I'm an artist who regularly works with salvaged bones from dead things, and I am...aghast. I'm going to go find something fluffy and cute to look at and bleach my brain, because *twitch*.
I think my face is cramped and my eyeballs are shriveling.
Cake #3... the hair sprinkles just look like little bugs running away from the vagina. Demon Baby Cake made me laugh myself silly, though.
CT.
All these cakes are just hysterical. I don't see how ANYONE could make such and hope to even THINK about Selling it hahahahahah. You have made my day!
Lol! These aren't horrific at all. I was happy to see a c-section representing.
Wow! If you need to make someone want to use birth control, you have surely succeeded. That marzipan one was wayyyyyyy to real. Thank the gods that I have been fixed. Just sayin...
I noticed a lot of white/light mommas with some daaaaaark babies. I hope that was requested, or someone's husband is gonna be asking some questions.
I'm a labor nurse and these horrify me.
Wow - am I the only person willing to admit that they find that last cake absolutely amazing? I wouldn't eat it but wow, the detail is phenomenal - however the concern I have is that the doctor should be wearing gloves. Super impressed by that cake - all the others, very distasteful and unrealistic.
I'm trying to imagine what would make a person order a cake with a bloody baby head coming out of very realistic looking labia and a torso with pubic hair. Where were you sitting and what were you doing when you decided EUREKA I have the most brilliant idea for a baby cake? I love babies. Had 2 myself and it wasn't a pleasant experience. I don't need it depicted on a cake nor would I ever consider eating a piece of this. Which piece would you ask for? I want the hair .. or maybe the lips .. no I really want the bloody baby head piece. Disgusting!
dis is very sinister and disgusting. whoever made these, must be baby eaters. cos if u can eat dat, then u're not far from being a cannibal. what a mess!
My sister is having a baby and we are thorwing her the sickest babyshower ever how can I talk to about making that last cake for me and mailing it to me that cake will be the best and the hit of the party she's going to love this and I thank its the neatest cake I have ever seen
I'm with KW's comments. Read them if you skipped them. They give an interesting perspective on the cakes. I think the last cake is brilliant. It is visually amazing and beautifully made. The baker has such talent. It makes the viewer think and feel and have an emotional response. It shocks and provokes. It makes people talk. One can't avoid having an opinion about it and asking questions. That's what all good artists hope to achieve through their art. Gone are the days when art is just a pretty picture. (That's now the role of the photographer.) This is a true artist at work using cake and marzipan as the medium (which I see as no different to using clay or marble or wood) to make a comment about child birth and the role of the obstetrician in today's society. Childbirth isn't pretty but it's part of life to be celebrated. The fact is, we've all been through it one way or another, and I can't really see what all the fuss is about in the comments. Of course Jen's built up at the beginning probably has a lot to do with that, being the funny clever leader of opinion that she is.
Disgusting. Marzipan is horrible.
That last baby looks as old as the doctor... who neglected to put on GLOVES, may I point out.
Benjamin Button cake.