You Don't Know Jack
January 21, 2013 Once Upon A Time...
...there was a boy named Jack:
;)
...who used a lot of sunblock.
Jack lived with his mother in "The Hovel by the Phallic Fountain."
;)
The hovel needed a new roof, but Jack and his mother had no money.
So they decided to sell their only cow, Boxy.
;)
(Look, I don't know what it is, either, but this story is going to move along a lot better if we can all just agree it's a cow, OK? Moo.)
On the way to the market, though, Jack met:
;)
...the Way Stuffed Cellulite Man.
Mr. Way Stuffed convinced Jack to trade him the "cow" for a tray of tragic spleens.
;)
(Sure, they look happy now, but that's only because they don't recognize my masterful use of foreshadowing.)
Jack's mother was livid when he can home with the spleens, and made Jack give them a proper burial.
(See? Tragic.)
After a miserable night with no supper, Jack woke up to see a flowing vine where he'd buried the spleens:
;)
The Tragic Spleenstalk reached all the way to the clouds. As Jack stood gaping, suddenly the Faceless Fairy appeared!
;)
"Jack, climb the spleenstalk to find a magic chicken who lays golden eggs!" she projected telepathically.
(She doesn't have a mouth. Try to keep up.)
"But beware the ogre who guards the chicken!"
So Jack climbed the spleenstalk, and there was the chicken:
;)
In a festive knit straitjacket.
Jack had just grabbed the bird when he heard a roar!
;)
It was the ogre, Oh'Duh!
"Take the bird not you will!" Oh'Duh screeched.
Jack quickly fled down the spleenstalk, where his mother was waiting with a dump truck and a huge load:
;)
...of dirt.
Before the ogre could follow, they knocked over the spleenstalk and buried it, trapping Oh'Duh in his cloud city.
With the money they made from the golden eggs, Jack and his mother were able to build a brand new home by the Phallic Fountain, complete with matching turrets.
;)
(Those two really know how to use their heads.)
And they all lived happily ever after.
;)
Well, OK, maybe not ALL of them.
Thanks to Amy, Giopi, Sarah J., Graham K., Sara E., moxie, Jenni Q., Shannon C., Becky C., Flowe L., Dani S., and Daniel C. for the fairy fail ending.
Reader Comments (121)
@Haiku Joy: Aw, hon. So sorry for you and your friends going through this. I will offer you my prayers, as well; for healing, for strength, for emotional support. I am glad you finally made your post. We are not meant to be isolated. This is a place where masks are not required. You do not have to put on your Happy Face before you are allowed to play.
I hope you are a hugger, because you have one big cyber-hug coming your way!
@Craig....Although #2 is not an exact replica or wrecklica, Take a look at this pic...add an arch and some pillars to the entry way and there ya have it! I find it very Kruegerish in comparison to the third movie....Have not watched any of them in years and do not plan on watching them ever again so for not having a fresh memory on the brain, not too shabby of a comparison in my opinion! :)
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-P2nZJ2D1ejs/TkinG4k0zGI/AAAAAAAAGfI/n9hSTqhkejY/s1600/nightmare4dvd04.jpg
@Haiku Joy: I've forwarded my email address to Jen and John(thoJ), if you'd like to reach out. If this is not something they are willing to take responsability for, I'll offer you my address here in the comments. Just post a note on this thread.
@ Craig - *salty*...REALLY? Seashells is definitely not where my mind went!
@Haiku Joy ~ Big hugs and prayers coming from WA to you, your friends and that little baby. I'm with all the rest, CW is kinda like a family to me too and families are there for each other in the good times and the bad. I will add my email offer to the mix if you're interested in more cyberventing with cyberfamily on a more private level.
@Meg: Point taken, but where are the roof flaps, the 'fountain' and the gingerbread men spa?
@Michelle: Seashells soak in salt water from the time they form until they are found, collected, cleaned (they are cleaned, right?) and put on cakes. Since thorough cleaning would destroy them, salt is bound to leach into the frosting, and... never mind. :-)
I'll echo @Andrea and @Jodee -- I realized that J&J don't need to be a contact clearinghouse along with everything else they do, so if there's ever a request, I'll post the email address I created for the purpose. I don't think there's
that manyany stalkers on this board. (I have to admit I don't get the 'stocking' / 'stalking' thing, though.)Haiku Joy,
((((hugs)))) that was for your friends and their son
((((HUGS)))) that was for you
Love,
Barbara Anne
Thank you, Jodee, mel, Andrea, and Craig. (Also anyone else whose message goes live in the same batch of comments as this one.) I am genuinely uplifted by your support and email addresses. I think just saying "horrible thing is horrible" is all the cyberventing I need.
If you're stuck for ideas - It's Australia Day on Saturday (26th Jan). Any jokes about vegemite, bbq's, pavlova (kiwi vs aussie) are fair game. lets face it, we celebrate by racing cockroaches at a local pub - so much room for bad cakes.
@Haiku Joy - You bring so much joy to everyone here with your shining, witty personality that you Should. Not. Feel. Bad. about posting version #82 or # 42 or #9,602.1415962. Here are some hugs for you, for the baby, for the baby's family, and for the medical staff that are treating the precious little one. Prayers going up as well.
@Craig and @Michelle - maybe it could be salted caramel frosting? That seems to be a thing these days.
(I have been around lately, though not commenting as much, and sometimes posting under silly names *cough*FrankenYoda*cough*.)
Thank you, Barbara Anne.
The tragic spleens are an attempt from Danish bakers to recreate a frog from a childrens TV show (Kaj & Andrea).
Link to original puppet below:
http://www.trendyshop.dk/shop/kaj-bean-bag-59777p.html
I think you have to know it to see it?
The funniest line: "trapping Oh'Duh in his cloud city." Just a minor little correction... It's "Cloud City." Not "cloud city."
and you call yourself a geek. sheesh. (KIDDING! Great use of a Star Wars reference!)
I believe the Spleens are actually "Kaj" the frog, from Kaj og Andrea" a danish children's show. I seem to remember that these could be found at different bakeries around the country n Denmark even though these particular ones are pretty bad looking. He is basically green marzipan wrapped around pink "guf" which is a very fluffy overly sweet marshmallow like substance, After dipping in chocolate a slit is cut for the mouth and eyes are added.
Thank you, DB.
Why is nobody recognizing that "Jack" is supposed to be Stewie from Family Guy?
I don't normally comment, but OMG, I will be crying silent tears of hilarity over "tragic spleens" for DAYS!
Live long and prosper Haikujoy, and stay away from the salt monster. (Also don't watch Star Trek: The Animated seiries)
The cow looks like one of those littlest pet shop things. From years ago. Am I the only one seeing that?
Just wandering through the site for stuff I've never seen. Once I started reading, I couldn't stop laughing. Thanks for brightening up my week!
Oh, my. Ow!. Ow, my stomach hurts. The Cow With Toes, the Tragic Spleens, and the Festive Knitted Straitjacket had kind of a "grenade" effect on me. At the count of one, I was snickering. At four, giggling. At seven, BLAM! The laughter exploded and I couldn't stop. Hoo! I need a really good laugh like that more often.