A Cake Wrecks Guide For Nervous Brides
September 26, 2012 Every time we publish wedding wrecks, we get comments from worried brides afraid their cake will be the next one featured on Cake Wrecks. This is both understandable and terribly selfish, since the rest of us depend on your misfortune for our daily chuckles. HAVE YOU NO HEART?
Ok, ok, fine. I guess I can spare a few pointers.
;)
1) Check your baker's previous work.
Remember, you want a cake pretty enough to move your guests to tears:
;)
...not tiers that move themselves.
Also, let's save the Reddi-Wip for the wedding night, mkay?
;)
And the condoms, too.
2) Pick a design that isn't too complicated.
For example: "Fuzzy yellow caterpillars, pink sea anemones, and eyeballs"
;)
...is too complicated.
On the other hand, bright colors, black vines and listless despair are perfect:
;)
...for arranged marriages in bad gothic romance novels.
So unless your wicked guardian is forcing you to marry a man you don't love so they can bilk you out of a fortune you never knew you had whilst the wind howls mournfully across the tempestuous moors, I'd suggest something a tad more cheerful.
;)
But not this cheerful.
3) And finally, make sure your design is appetizing.
;)
After all, no one is going to want to eat a cake that looks like you used it to juice Cookie Monster.
(Ewwww.)
Thanks to Holly J., Lorie B., Ben C., Olivia X., and Arielle C. who are probably wondering if that last cake tastes like cookies or sweaty fur. (And if they weren't, I bet they are noo-ooow!)
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Hey brides! Use this handy printable checklist to make planning easier!
☐ Well-made.
☐ Contraceptive free.
☐ No eyeballs.
☐ No tempestuous moors.
☐ No dead Muppets.
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Reader Comments (62)
Is it just me or is that second-to-last cake full of penises?
"On the other hand, bright colors, black vines and listless despair are perfect:..."
I think that's LISTING despair, not listLESS despair.
Every time I see wedding wrecks, I thank the Powers That Be that my baker was actually sane and graduated from culinary/bakers school. Also that I won't have to go wedding cake shopping again.
CW Team,
Yesterday was my birthday and I celebrated 1/2 way to 90. ;)
Thank you for the gift of penishrooms and Cookie Monster juice.
You shouldn't have. No, really. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE!!!
LOL!
Kim in ID
Umm... that checklist should say "penis-free" as well...
I hope! I hope! I hope! That the last one has choc chips in it. Or cookie crumbs in the filling.
I was going to have a classic looking cake for my wedding in December, but now I see the 'mushroom' cake.............
...."but not this cheerful"! bahahaha!! Brilliant commentary, as always.
What is the taste of Cookie Monster Juice? I think it's ironic that some of the other definitions of 'taste' are elegance, refinement, discernment, judgment, perception and decorum. Clearly none of which apply to anything on this site.........for which I will be eternally grateful!
Half the fun of this site are your comments. Half are the comments of the readers.
And half are the cakes themselves. What? Something wrong with my math skills?
No, there couldn't be; I'm a highly edumacated cake desecrator...;D
I hope that Butcher Me Elmo is available as this year's hot Xmas toy! Plus, the Official Cookie Monster Juicer will be the must-have new kitchen appliance.
I think Cookie Monster juice would definitely taste like sweaty fur, with a tang of hand-up-monster-buttness and a soupçon of childrens tears as their eyes bleed and dreams die....mmmmm, tasty!
With malice aforethought
Ded Ted, zombie teddy bear.
The "too cheerful" cake -- if you look closely at the ... um, er, "mushrooms", they appear to have lines scored on them to suggest block towers. So why does the limp top tower have a yellow herpes wart on it? And several of the smaller towers look to have black vines creeping up their sides. (you just KNOW what that looks like, making the overall effect even *more* anatomically correct ;)
I still think the creepiest one is the very first, with severed hands (friends of Cousin It?) sipping champagne. It freaks me out that someone thought this up, and the baker executed (!) the concept very well. But who thinks this is romantic? instead of what you might eat (shudder) at the psychopath circus? Or better yet, featured in an episode of "Murder, She Wrote." You know, at first things look fine ... but those really ARE chopped off hands!
"Juiced Cookie Monster!" I'm laughing so hard I'm crying, then I'm telling my husband what I'm laughing about, but I'm laughing too hard to get it out. OMG. Thank you.
LMAO @ juiced Cookie Monster!!
Oh My Goodness!! You are TOO FUNNY!! .......juice Cookie Monster.......that is the FUNNIEST THING you've EVER WRITTEN, Jen!!!! And we all know you're one of the funniest bloggers around!
I actually think the gothic one's OK...but maybe that's just me.