Friday
Dec142012
HE SEES YOU: A Holiday Horror Story
December 14, 2012 [movie announcer guy]:
This Christmas...
get ready...
for a one horse...
open...
SLAY.
;)
"AAAIIIIEEEEE!!"
Run as fast as you can...
;)
And don't go outside:
;)
"ZOMBIE PENGUIN!"
And never...
;)
"THEY'RE COMING!"
EVER...
"Oh, thank goodness we found you, Santa! ....Santa?"
;)
"AAAAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!"
...FALL ASLEEP. ;)
"He's not real. He's not real. HE'S NOT REAL."
;)
"He's... right behind me, isn't he?
"Great. Juuuuust great."
[child singing]
He sees you when you're sleeping
He know when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good...
;)
;)
;)
;)
...OR DIE.
Thanks to Erinn M., Aymara A., Gene H., Ben & Janelle, Chandria D., Zach R., Ann H., & Shannon S., who better watch out, and they better not cry, because wusses get left behind.
Reader Comments (78)
Are you a fan of Futurerama by any chance?
Oh goodness that was scary. I blame the singing children. Also the horrendous cakes. :|
Can't sleep, santa-bear will eat me...can't sleep, santa-bear will eat me...
I'm rather glad it's well into daytime here and my lights are on ... I'll have nightmares
That Santa teddy cake is horrifying. It gives me the shivers.
Number Five ( Hannibal Lector gets Santa) just about finished me. A nice Chianti, anyone?
Did you know we have a television station up here in Canada that regularly shows a Saw marathon every Christmas? We ought to send them these cakes.
Sung to ”Thriller”
It’s close to Christmas, and festive cakes all crowd the bakery floor
Under the store lights, there’s something wrong with cakes you should adore
You start to scream, but terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze, Bear Santa looks you right between the eyes
You’re paralyzed!
‘Cause this is Killer Bakery Night
And no one’s gonna save you from the cake about to strike
It’s such a chilling, frosted sight
You’re fighting for your life inside of Safeway’s bakery tonight!
Darkness falls across Snowman
A knife in a gingerbread hand
Penguins crawl in search of blood
And terrorize your neighborhood
And whosoever they had found
Are melting there upon the ground
He stood and faced the evil cakes
Now Santa bleeds for his mistake
The snowman closed his eyes in fear
When Evil Claus came from the rear
And reedy singing fills the room
Foreshadowing your Christmas doom
And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The Grizzly Santa Killer
He-he! I heard the Psycho shower scene string shriek in my head on that last series of pictures, and then the final "DUNNNNN" on the last picture. If you ever run out of cakes to make fun of for your site, Jen, you could get a job writing movie trailers. Well Done!
Sharyn, you are the most prolific song writer of all time. How do you do it?
Jen, I totally heard the children singing reeeally slowly a la Nightmare on Elm Street "9, 10, you'll never sleeeeep aaagaaain."
I'm with Degera - thanks for posting this in the morning. I'll try to forget it by bedtime.
Coffee spewed across my screen. I'm laughing out loud in my cube. At this point my cube-mates know I must be on Cake Wrecks. I love your blog :)
-Sharyn, I will be singing that all day now. Love it!
Best holiday cake post EVER!
Ugh, that last one is just terrifying! Is it supposed to be a bear?! REAL bears aren't even that scary! I'm just gonna be over here in the corner, curled into the fetal position and weeping quietly.
The scariest is the marshmallow Santa cake with the jello mold brain exposed and drips of jello blood coming down his face. Braaaaainnnnnns!
What in the bloody blue blazes is that last one?
I think I have found something more effective than the elf on the shelf to scare my children into good behaviour...
What's up with the tiny crotch Santa in the last one?
Sharyn wins the Internet with the Thriller mash up!
Seriously, those cakes?! Why?!?!
Not if I eat his scary icing face first! Mwahahaha. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!
Simply put, I love this web site almost more than icing itself. Thank you, thank you, for putting the holidays back into proper perspective for me. Cake Wrecks, you are the ultimate therapist and harbinger of true comfort in a world where comfort food can go wrong (very wrong). Thank you!! :)
Oh gosh Sharyn, you slay me! ;D Great post Jen!
That Santa Bear will haunt me for the rest of the day!! I'm coming for YOU!
Is it very wrong that I liked the gingerbread man?? Sharyn I officially (I'm officious so that counts, right?) awarding you the interwebs, you are now Queen of the Cake Songs, OK??
Brain-eaten students
lie prostrate round my red pen.
Bring it, zombie bird.
Snork. Glad I wasn't drinking anything!
ROTFL!!! Great post, Jen! Thanks very much for the much-needed laughs!!
@Sharyn -- you ROCK
1: What the heck is that last thing?
2: Does it have a tumor on its head?
3: Are those some sort of stunted tentacles on its feet? Shouldn't it have shoes?
The horror.... the horror.....
@Laury- bwah ha ha ha! Well played, my friend. Well played.
is that an ear under the santa bear's hat or is he just excited to see you??
That gingerbread man is going to bother me come sundown. BIG TIME.
Important safety tip one: Never, ever, EVER use starlight mints as eyes. For ANYTHING.
Important safety tip two: Psycho Santa bear is always watching, so DON'T BE NAUGHTY. Ever. Ever, ever.
I don't know which is creepier, the cakes or Sharyn's song. Nice job to all the writers involved here. I've officially got the heebie jeebies.
"OR DIE" I laughed so hard!! :)
Sharyn - you are amazing! Thank you for that. :)
Zombie penguin looks like he's vomiting ectoplasm. Perfect.
picture #2 already has his own movie:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0364376/
I only wish I were making it up. I've actually witnessed this piece of cinematic amazeballs.
It's funny the caption under the gingerbread man is "insane giggling," because that's exactly what I'm doing.
haha, I have always thought that Santa Clause is Coming to Town was the creepiest song ever! Why is Santa creepin on me in my sleep?? He's lurking EVERYWHERE!!!
Jen, I never thought I would request this -- but could you pull this one for another day?
A Holiday horror story is a couple dozen little kids shot to death a few days before Christmas.
I love you and John and all you do, and the timing is SO not your fault...but we need rainbows and unicorns today.
[Editor's note- Thanks for the kind note Anna. Jen is working on another post now (she's actually been crying for the past hour). We'll be posting something else soon. -john]
Oh, crap...Jen, your sense of timing is, as always...
well..
umm...
crap. It's not YOUR fault there are idiots out there who do bad things on the same day that you put up very funny posts involving things that could frighten children!
That said...ZOMBIE PENGUIN!
That last cake has to be the worst example of the use of Wilton's 3D bear pan EVER. I'm also trying desperately to forget I ever saw that gingerbread man.
I LOVE teddy bears. I've been known to "aww" at even the most fugly bears. But that teddy-santa cake... Even I can't love that bear. Just as well since he plans to kill us all in our sleep.
That was the best use of zoom. EVER!
@Barbara Anne: "Did the plumber fix the pipes?" ?? Now I'm going to have to venture into the CW archives to get the reference, with the standard issue indifference to obvious danger, and the flashlight that conks out at exactly the wrong time. Theardare? Is that you? [ear scratch for safety]
#2 Okaaay. No problems there.
#3 How appropriate that the cover looks like a bell jar. There must be a back story that will make everyone do a synchronized forehead smack, but I can't imagine what it might be.
#4,5 I can't decide if I would like to know the thought process, or if I am much, MUCH better off not knowing. That universe might not be a fun place.
#7 Those eyes are definitely not twinkling. They're more like soul-sucking portals into another dimension.
#8 Gaahh! Why aren't the ears the same? How come he has tiny 'hands' and giant legs that end in...? Is this a T. Rex in disguise? I thought the things to the left were crickets, until I managed to see reindeer harnessed to a sleigh. That's s-l-e-i-g-h, not that other word. All on a plate of Cheez Whiz. Gotta wonder if the wreckerator moonlights as a t-t-taxidermist. Is that him/her in the background?
@Sharyn ~ Thanks for that... Now I'm laughing through the tears.
@Anna ~ Well said!
Jen, John and all the rest, you guys are amazing and we all appreciate what you do. But yeah, today rainbows and unicorns would be good...
As sad as the incident is, I don't think Jen, or any other comedic blogger, especially those who posted before the news broke, should be asked to pull their jokes.
Bad things happen every single day. That doesn't mean there is no room for levity in the world. Those who wish to remain somber today can just as well NOT view Cake Wrecks today.
That gingerbread man is awesome. Awesomely evil.
Do your best, Jen. We love you.
Now for the eyes. Oo!
You know what would be perfect?
Swirling hypno-mints!
I needed a good laugh today. Thank you! Seriously, what do bakers think when they put these cakes out? Can they not see them? Are they blind? Did the Santa Bear eat their brains? Oh no, I'm going to have nightmares now.
Thank you for the continuing gut-laughs, Jen. NEVER stop, no matter what!! You make the world a better place. We really need to laugh.
I agree with Katie. Jen, please don't let today's news make you question yourself or stop you from giving us (and yourself) a bit of laughter in the midst of such heartbreak. If it was ever needed, now is that time.
Thank you for the laughs!
I agree with Anna. I love you guys but I think it should be a post for another day.