"Takes Direction Well"
November 2, 2012 Ever feel like you've lost your direction in life?
Do you find yourself wandering aimlessly through bakery aisles and back alley icing parlors*?
* I don't actually know if back alley icing parlors exist, but a girl can dream.
Are you stuck in the hangar bay of life, waiting for the pod bay doors of opportunity to open up and spit you out into the sucking black void of PURPOSE?
If the answer is yes, maybe, or "huh?", then have I got the job for you!
;)
That's right, my friends, the time has never been riper to be a Wreckerator! Or a person who likes to mix metaphors badly, like a withered, overripe tree in space.
But let's focus on the wrecking thing for now, shall we?
;)
We're looking for a few good pairs of hands (preferably attached to still-functioning torsos) that can follow directions TO THE LETTER.
And by "we" I mean "me."
And if you see something grammatically wrong with that statement, then I'm afraid you're already disqualified. Kindly collect your complimentary "Prefessional Baker" buttons at the door and show yourselves out.
Now, for the rest of you, just LOOK at all the exciting things your future could have in store!
;)
The glamor! The excitement! The satisfaction of giving a customer EXACTLY what they ask for!
But the REAL cherry on top? Someday you, too, could write, "cherry on top" on one of your orders!
;)
Consider this something to work toward.
Now, who here failed Biology?
Ah, excellent!
Because next up: baby shower cakes.
;)
Thanks to Inge D., Stephanie S., Emily S., Stephanie H., & Sargam M. for being the wind beneath my leaves. Except there's no wind...IN SPACE.
Reader Comments (64)
My deepest and most hearfelt sympathies go out to Linda's lover, who has not yet reached "second base."
Bahahaha the literal lol's always make me smile :D as for those fetus cakes D: D:D:
At the very LEAST they could have spelled "sprinkles" correctly. It's a wreck squared.
Fetus cake.....*bleargh*.
Dear Nancy in caps,
Please return my laplander.
~~ Amy in mittens
Does Linda's birthday cake have something written in Elvish on it? Can't make out what it says after "Happy."
You mean Ken & Luisa really ordered bundles of multi-coloured sperm for their anniversary? And, is Linda celebrating her Bluphth birthday? (which one is that? maybe I missed mine, and didn't even get a card) Then we arrive at the final cake. WHAT does, or DID it say before the unfortunate icing smear debacle?
Sung to “Don’t Stop Believing”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfUYuIVbFg0
Just a bakery girl, living for her social whirl
She takes the order form and pipes everything
While she thinks of boys, being literal brings her joy
She takes the order form and pipes everything
Writes “sprinkels,” 30 and some stars
Piping out the shapes would be so hard
Next one says “Nancy in Caps”
Find some chocolate she can write it on
Strangers, waiting, up and down the bakery aisles
All them hoping that she did it right
Married people, celebrating their devotion
She ruins Ken and Luisa’s night
Working hard, orders to fill
Never thinking is a thrill
Write “Cherry on top” in purple. Nice.
Just one more time.
This is not the job she’d choose
If she thought, she’d have the blues
There’s a fetus and his friend
And a cake for her to slap them on
Strangers, waiting, up and down the bakery aisles
All them hoping that she did it right
Harried people, struggling with their emotions
Realize she’s just not that bright
She’s stopped believin’
Her cakes aren’t appealing
Angry people (whoa-oa-oa)
And in space, no one can hear you scream, either.
Dear God. Can I please unsee that last one? It tooke me a full minute to make out that it was supposed to be a uterus.
I am finally seeing where the faulty gene is coming from. It's the three-headed sperm in the 3rd cake that has spawned a generation of wreckerators.
I *think* it says "Happy 60th Birthday Linda." For once, the handwriting is TOO fancy, not sloppy, but it still doesn't help.
And I have this frightening feeling that the smear in the upper left corner of the fetus twins cake is where, ahem, the babies leave the "lady garden" ....
Can not stop singing "Wind Beneath my Leaves." Thanks, Jen.
Haha HaikuJoy, Nancy in Caps...lol reminds me of caps for sale. And as to the post itself...you really have to wonder? Sub-par education? English as a second language? Passive Agressive Bakers Unite? Too much CakeWrecks stardom wanna-be's out there? What is REALLY up with these literally awful cakes?
Last cake. EWW.
That is all.
I was doing okay until I met the last cake -- twins, you say?? Lost my breakfast, I say.
I should know better than to pop in here to view before things have settled longer. However, I thank you for the weight loss regimen.
Uh, "sprinkles" is NOT spelled correctly. They have it spelled "sprinkels"...
Oh dear...that last cake...:::shiver:::
I stared at the Linda cake for probably 30 seconds to a full minute before I realized it said 20th. All I could read was "Happy With Birthday Linda."
Props to Jen on the writing on this post, some of your best yet, in my opinion.
Prefessional - heh. :)
(BTW - we've all forgiven you! And also, the Amazon cover shot still has the typo...)
You spelled "hangar" correctly. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or proud of you, dear girl.
Thanks for the chuckle once again! - Ruth
Laughing, laughing, laughing all the way to the end when..... oh.my.dear.GOD!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH A co-worker came scurrying over to see what I was horrified about, and got horrified in return.
I'm going to need an industrial sized container of eye bleach for that last one.
I'm still trying to figure out what is written in the upper right on the fetus cake. Trying very hard to unsee the rest of it.
That last one... oh dear God, the horror...
The reference to “back alley icing parlors,” those places of a somewhat dubious legitimacy where de-tipped decorators often ply their tainted trade and quickly create distorted decorations for those with less than discriminating taste – or for the lost tourist seeking a bakery bargain – brings to mind the tragic tale of Artimus Krebble. Artimus, or Arti to his few friends, was a wannabe decorator of no visible talent who decided to carve his niche in the frosting world by specializing in vegetables. Knowing that other than the occasional cornucopia, the demand for cakes decorated with vegetables was weak, he sought to claim his fame in this field. A resident of the Garden State, he felt he was a natural, but truth be told, it was a tough row to hoe, and even with furrowed brow, the seed of success had yet to take root. As an apprentice to the town baker, he would try his best to convince his boss to let him do just one cake in vegetables. “Lettuce try it,” he’d often say, hoping his poor attempt at humor might win him that opportunity. Finally, the master baker relented and told Arti that he could create one, but that he would have to do it publically in the town square and the local citizens would vote on the result. If the town liked his work, he could do more; if not, well, he was done forever. Arti practiced for weeks at home before the big event, and when the day finally came, he went to the town square full of confidence. But practicing alone in his home was one thing, and being in front of hundreds of spectators was another. Looking out at the crowd, Arti froze, and his confidence slowly slipped away. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t even utter a sound. His dream of being the vegetable decorator king dissolved. Slowly, he turned and walked away, never to be seen again. And to this day, the townfolk still talk about the day the whole village turned out to see Arti choke.
If you ignore the mistake,Nancy's cake actually is beautiful AND looks delicious!
@Karaethon: I still think that's a 6, not a 2.
Sharyn lololol
@mel: You, sir, are one cool cucumber.
Now I want to make "Professional Baker" buttons
It looks like it's Nancy's 60th to me. They can't even write a number so that it's legible. And I agree with everyone about the last cake (is that a foreign language) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
what is that?
ROTFL!! Oh, mel - that was hilarious!! BWAHAHHAHA!
Jen - Superb post! Literal LOLs are the bulding blocks (cakes?) upon which CW was founded. Love it!
Thank you Mel :-). I love shaggy dog 'tails' and am always so pleased when I've been sucked in again by the silly punch line.
If those things on the third cake are supposed to be balloons, they look like they've been modeled after those mud flaps for semi trucks that have shiny reflective profiles of very curvy women on them.
But "Nancy in Caps" is the clear winner today, even with the uterus cake from hell. Because everything else is so beautiful and the place card is SO wrong. I wonder who lost their job for ordering this.
@Mel, you didn't choke on that one! Awesome!
What is with these people and the fetus cakes?!!!?
Gaak --
Thank you for spelling 'hangar' correctly.
You have no idea how much that means to me.
@Mel It beets me how you come up with these stories. This one was cornier than most. I laughed until my eyes leeked and my nose turned radish.
I, too, am shedding a tear of happiness over the correct spelling of "hangar"!
And Ginamonster, it's PREfessional Baker ;)
The Nancy cake was so beautiful... until somebody wrecked it :(
The Ken and Luisa one convinced me I will never ask for a cake with balloons on it. Ever! (and I won't say "under that" or any variation thereof...)
Poor Linda never got her cherry (and that's all I'm gonna say about that one!)
That last one... it's SHINY! Did they use gel icing? In any event, it's really gross!
Sharyn~ I don't know how you do it but keep it up! You're amazing!!!
mel~ That was awesome! Thanks for the giggles!
mel, I'd like to buy you a drink ... preferrably when we aren't reading Cake Wrecks, so we don't spit them all over our monitors
Thanks Sharyn for using a Journey song! =)) Love it! That fetus cake is horrible, but I think I see that the writing is "P (fancy B) irthdays". Or is it "Pj Birthdays"? Either way it makes no sense. And yes I agree with Laura; I think one baby is about to make an exit. Yikes!!
To quote Ray Stevens' "The Streak":
"I hollered, 'Don't Look, Ethel!!!!' but it was Too Late - she'd already been scandalized..."
It's Too Late for me, too - especially on that last travesty. I mean, "cake".
@mel: Thanks, as always, for the laughs. :)
I think the last cake said 'Happy Birthdays' before the unfortunate accident. 'Nidhi' is an Indian name, but 'Niti' seems to be an error for 'Nitin', another Indian name. So, not only disgusting but misspelled too.
that last one.... what has been seen cannot be unseen!!!!
I seriously got the jibblies looking at that last cake. The jibblies. *shudder*
I believe that the last cake actually did suffer an icing accident that caused the smear. From the looks of things -- the little hint of blue lettering to the left of it, the single letter followed by "Birthday" on the right -- it may have originally said Happy Birthday Nidhi Niti (use your imagination long enough and hard enough and you can maybe make that thing that resembles a P look like a really "fancy" Y). But I could be wrong.
Are Nidhi and Niti not pronounced exactly the same way? Assuming these are the names of a pair of twins, I find this almost as troubling as the gag-inducing fetus cake. Almost.
i'm starting to think that these lovely wrecks are actually not a product of human hands but of a poor computer program. How could anyone finish a cake with "30 with stars and sprinkles around it!"? Any English speaking person would, at about the word "sprinkles" or maybe "around" think, Uh, oh i messed up and then put icing STARS and SPRINKLES around the verbiage. Wouldn't they? See, this is where a COMPUTER would just take the info and spit it out (now there's a lovely visual) onto a cake top. Make sense?
Ok, as a someone who not only passed biology, but was crazy enough to major in it (well, microbiology, but close enough, right?), that last cake is TOTALLY a WRECK for being ugly, disgusting, and, yes, *biologically* wrong!! Those are fetuses?! They might as well be kidneys - they're curved, oblong, and in a pair, so there. Either that or maybe it's a pair of rawhide dog bones still in the shiny plastic with blue & red cords attached to them as chew toys or leashes. ICK!! (And as a microbiologist, I have seen A LOT of ICK!)
@Sharyn - Your version is *almost* as good as the original! ;-) (and waaay funnier..:-)
@mel - loved it! Would have punned you back, but someone "beet" me to it.