Antique Mystique
January 23, 2012 John and I spent the weekend traipsing through one of the South's largest annual antique fairs. BECAUSE THE FUN NEVER STOPS HERE. (And also THE WEATHER WAS VERY NICE.)
Of course, the stuff we like is less "antique" and more "cheap junk we can take apart and make into rayguns." So if it's not broken and/or rusty and/or less than $20, don't talk to me.
Anyway, sometime after our third hour of backing slowly away from tables filled with what I can only assume - going by the prices - were Shakespeare's personal knick-knacks, I had an epiphany:
Bakers, don't change out those old window display cakes; call them antiques and sell them!
Here, I'll get you started:
;)
Lovely Art Deco centerpiece. Very Rare. $1,200 FIRM
See? Not so hard! Just leave out any nonessential details that might hurt the sale, like the fact that the stuffed birds are lined with asbestos.
Buyers like antiques with interesting stories, so be sure to include lots of historical anecdotes with your cakes. Even if you have to make them up.
;)
Authentic WWI-era German Weiner Schnitzel, model THX1138. Very rare. Once gnawed on by the Duke of Gloucester. $7,500 or your left kidney. (Left only! Do not ask me to consider the right!!)
Pop culture items are super valuable, which allows you to capitalize on anything that evokes even the slightest hint of childhood nostalgia:
;)
Batman memorabilia! Very rare. Perfect for collectors! $835 or will trade for 1947 Superman Golden Carrot Trophy with original "Bat-a-Veg" chopper/axe.
(And if you can spot the Batman piece in under 30 seconds, you win a gold star.)
Naturally, vintage Disney items are ideal for bilking delighting your customers:
;)
Authentic Vintage Disney Snow White collectible cake - complete set! Comes with original 1927 cat litter garnish! Eyeball not included! $4,000
Still, nothing can compete for your client's money quite like antique dolls. And as every serious doll collector will tell you, the creepier those suckers are, the better. Chipped porcelain faces with vacant soul-sucking eyes? BINGO. Shove that thing on a cake, pronto! Preferably face down.
;)
Original Kewpie doll and accessories. Very rare. Found in the ruins of an abandoned asylum. Possibly haunted. Seller not responsible for any damages or demon possessions. Priced to sell. I'll give you $50 if you take it.
Ok, $75. NO RETURNS.
Creepy Kewpie there still isn't THAT creepy, though, so I did you a favor, bakers. See, this weekend I found you the perfect cake topper. So just put one of these on your old cakes...
;)
...and watch it fly out the door!
Probably under its own power.
Because it's haunted.
And will no doubt try to kill you.
Hey, Rebecca H., Ann P., Clara B., Elvira E., Leah B., DON'T GO TO SLEEP.
And before any of you ask, yes, I *did* send that last picture to Jonathan Coulton. ;)
Reader Comments (117)
That doll has raised over half a million dollars for underprivileged families in my community. Not to mention the $13million that she has played a huge role in contributing to the We Care telethon over the last 30+ years. She is known by hundreds of thousands of people as 'Hope'.
http://www.wecareonline.com/files/hope.html
I wanted to send that to JoCo, but you beat me to it.
Ok, noone is focusing on the egg man here! I have to know!
Folks, those are NOT potatoes in photo #3 - they are PEARS. (Read the little sign - it says "A Perfect Pear" with "Pair" written next to it).
The one with the Kewpie doll really looked like a few snails had a party on that cake. The eyeball comment nearly made me spew Diet Coke through my nose.
I'm surprised no one has mentioned that on the cake with the 7 dwarves, that... is not.... SNOW WHITE! Aaaaaaaa!
People, listen up please!! (clapping hands) The bird on top of the first cake is DEAD. Do you hear me? DEAD. Either the military gassed it as the mother ship's about to land or it's avian flu and, either way, it's time to head to the bunker.
@ Craig The little girl in "The Sixth Sense" was my second thought. The one in “The Ring” came to me first. Which is better than coming after me…
...
That doll, honestly, looks like the perfect companion for Copernicus the Homicidal Monkey.
...and I will have nightmares forever.
At least get a gold star for finding 'batman' on Mr Potato Head. In under 30 seconds.
Now to find enough mind altering substances to wipe the creepy doll from my mind, so sleep is possible at some point before the sun rises.
The first one is so..er.."antique" that the fake dove has ceased to be...shuffled off this mortal coil.. run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible (etc)...
AUGH!! I had a "Miss No Name" doll when I was a child. I felt SO bad for her. My mother used to read me that horrible, sad story, "The Little Match Girl" and I'd imagine she looked just like my poor little tearful doll. Then it was off to bed with the story of "Little Orphan Annie" and a stout warning that "the goblins will get you if you don't watch out"! I enjoy looking at this website. It helps me to pass the time here at the asylum.
GAH! Dolls that are made to be creepy, I love. I even collect Living Dead Dolls. Dolls that are made to be sweet and endearing but have the eyes that follow you and suck your soul away little by little? _Those_ creep me out.
"vacant soul-sucking eyes" made me spit my coffee all over my monitor, but that's a compliment.
The, erm... "flowers" in the first one remind me of the severed zombie ear necklace that Daryl Dixon makes in The Walking Dead. Nothing says "delicacy" like zombie ear flowers.
It's remarkable how much less creepy LMNN looks on http://www.wecareonline.com/files/hope.html, the link that Ashley shared. Apparently, it is just the doll in the above picture that is possessed, in which case it would seem that the Little Miss No Name doll attracts demons. Which seems perfectly reasonable, considering the above picture.
After reading the comments and learning about the charity, I have come to the conclusion that there doesn't seem to be much middle ground regarding LMNN. Nobody seems to be merely indifferent to her. They either love her or hate her. So obviously, if she doesn't try to suck people's souls, she makes people her adoring slaves.
Wellllllllllllllllllllll I'll leave it at that.
YAY!!! i win a golden star