Cake Writing 101: The Art of Spacing
August 27, 2008 "Alright, class, settle down. It's time to go over last week's pop quiz on inscription spacing, and I'm going to tell you all right now: I am not impressed. Laura? Are you here? Ah, there you are. Laura, would you be so kind as to tell the class just WHAT you were thinking when you made this cake?"
"What's that? You were trying to center the name? Well, emphasis on 'trying', huh? And I suppose it never occurred to that pretty little brain of yours to curve 'congratulations' - you know, like we covered in class just last week? Oh, do stop blubbering and take it like a decorator - geesh. They give me a bunch of pansies these days. Hey, where are you going? You get back in your seat, young lady!
"Alright, fine, since Laura would obviously rather blubber in the little girl's room, let's move on to Katie's cake."
"Katie, my blog is 3 column: why is your cake? Were you planning on pasting in some ads and a blog roll on the sides? No, you do NOT get extra credit for it being "almost" centered. What do I look like, a charity? Oh, and Katie? Do you happen to remember any of the three HUNDRED times I've lectured on the improper use of quotation marks? By that blank doe-eyed look you're giving me, I'd say no. Imbeciles. I am surrounded by imbeciles.
"Chris! Just where do you think you're trying to sneak off to, hm? Well, before you rush off, why don't we all take a look at your creation."
"Chris, congratulations. You managed to take a perfectly reasonable 3-line greeting and cram it into a beautifully centered 2-line inscription, and for no discernible reason. Bravo. Really.
"Now, what half-wit among you is responsible for this?"
"Sarah, I don't care how pretty it is, this is a class on spacing! Did you just get tired halfway through writing the name Brittany? Because that's what it looks like! And don't think I don't see those quotation marks, little missy, because I DO. Just for that, you get to wash all of today's piping tips - by hand.
"And lastly, Doug, against all odds yours was actually the best of the lot - although that's hardly saying much."
"Still, since you produced the least horrific example, you may leave early today. The rest of you, prepare to practice until carpal tunnel leaves your little hands as twisted as my wife's idea of 'fun'. Now mach schnell!"
Thanks to MR for the 1st photo. The rest I found all by myself. :)
Reader Comments (78)
That's just sad, why bother!
You forget to mention all the gratuitous inappropriate quotes!
Just sent you another cake wreck!
Love the site.
"Were you planning on pasting in some ads and a blog roll on the sides?" is the funniest line in this post. Although I admit I had to read it twice before I got it.
And roflmbo to anonymous at 4:03 pm for the Chinese gymnast crack.
My "sweet" 16 was a bit on the crappy side, so I fully intend to have a sweet "16" party once I move out on my own and get the money together.
This truely is one of the funniest blogs I have ever read. I went through 6 sheets of really absobant kitchen towel reading it right to the end. I have linked you on my blog I hope everyone reads it. You should see the cakes we have here in Spain I will travel with my camera in future, you just wouldn't beleive how over the top they go! (keep posting)
Dear Jen: You have inspired me to put quotation marks on my next "29th" Birthday cake. I'm not like Britt. No way could I pass for "16" anymore.
I
Love
your
blog
anoyomous @ 4:03: you officially just got me fired for disrupting the peace of the workplace. kudos.
haha, your writting just makes the post perfect! you are so funny.
So what's up with the flesh-colored icing on the last one? A bit nasty, dontcha think?
Does Katie's cake really say "Happy LAST Birthday?"
lol Cake Type Critiquing
Hahlarious
...wow.
Why? How?
Oh the airbrushing! I hate to see the two-tone border done with an airbrush because it bleeds onto the surface of the cake. It's so easy to frost two-tone borders! You just throw one color on one side of the frosting bag and then put another color in the other half. The border is usually much more interesting when done this way too.
Great post. I love your blog. It's nice to find a blog about these kind of silly mistakes that doesn't aim to hurt or offend. It's so easy to be mean on the internet. Wreck on! I'll have to go through my photos and see if I can find any photos of the wrecks I made and sold. I made some good ones when I was learning.
I definitely read "Happy Last Birthday" too, which makes for a rather ominous cake.
My name is Brittany, but I totally prefer that new people I meet call me 'Britt'. The biggest problem is that 'Brittany' has three syllables, but everyone shortens it to two. That's where I get annoyed.
'Hi, my name is Brittany!'
'BRITNEE?'
'... no'
... And I totally crashed the party with this comment, sry2say.
Britt- I don't think the problem with that cake is so much that the name was shortened to Britt, but that the way it's spaced, it looks like there was supposed to be more there that was left out. I would guess that the decorator started out writing Brittany, but realized halfway through that it was actually supposed to be Britt, so they stopped and left a big blank spot where they were planning to put the "any".
Allow me to break down the fourth wall here.....
Sometimes the people who get asked to write on the cakes aren't cake decorators. If you want your cake to look professionally written on, don't go into a grocery store bakery after 4pm and ask for it. That's why this type of thing happens...it can be more difficult to do than it looks.
Honestly, some of these comments are kind of harsh. I worked at a bakery for almost a year and after only a few weeks they had me write on cakes! No professional training or anything! Sometimes, yes the cakes do come out like that, but don't think it's on purpose. Every time I messed up on cake writing I panicked and would feel so guilty as I held out the cake for the customer to see it, and see that apparent look of disappointment and regret on their face. I have to admit though, some of these are terrible and I certainly hope that the these people asked for their money back in some cases! They deserve it! Lol.
This blog is ridiculously funny!!!!!!
The Sweet "16" Britt one is undoubtedly my favorite, and LOL to whoever made the Viagra ad space joke on the 3-column cake.
Here is the source for the "Last Birthday" (which apparently actually IS supposed to be "1st"):
http://www.sethskim.com/2007/10/a_joyfilled_weekend.html
So the recipient is "HMCC of Chicago" (funny-looking "f" in "of", but ok). HMCC apparently stands for "Harvest Mission Community Church".
*spit take*
This made me laugh extra-hard, as my favourite chef in culinary school used to sneak up behind us and shout 'schnell'! (funny if you've read Anthony Bourdains' books).
I *love* this blog, and rely on it for constant reminders what exalted heights and plummeting lows the art of cake decorating can achieve. Thanks so much for creating it!!
I think it said "1st" birthday..
I read it as last and lost too though!
So, no one else saw Hoppy Lost Birthday, huh? Just me? OK.
I LOVE this! I saw a girl at a local grocery store bakery lick her icing bag tip while decorating the other day, it's not hard to see how cakes like this happen.
And I also read it "happy last birthday" and wondered what kind of celebration it could be...
Happy Last Birthday - lol...maybe they were sending a message. Beware! ha xx
The first cake is a dairy queen ice cream cake. I know this because I decorated them in my hometown for a year before moving on to greener pastures (that paid more than minimum wage). I can honestly say that even with no prior experience in cake decorating I made far better cakes than that. The reason? Basic pride in my work. Really DQ decorators? Can't you do a better job for the poor customers who pay such high prices for these cakes?