A Reptile Dysfunction
May 23, 2016 In honor of World Turtle Day, let's take a moment to meet some of the lesser known turtle cake varieties.
Because nature is beautiful, people.
The Slimy Nope Tail:
;)
Also collects spores, molds, and fungus!
Snootless Flipper Swaddles:
;)
They do a mean sloppy swish.
The Hardboiled Nubby-Teeter:
;)
The candy coating makes it go down easier.
The Majestic Elephant-Pawed Flirpity Floo:
;)
So named for its magnificent flirpity-floos.
The Squeaky Noodle Squelcher:
;)
Watch out; they squeak!
Hypno Danger Piddle:
;)
Try not to stare.
And finally, and most majestic:
The Dong-Headed Stumpy Trunks:
;)
Truly the pokiest of them all.
Thanks to Kathryn S., Shannon K., Megan B., Liz K., Kyna H., Jamie L., & Sara M. for really coming out of their shells.
*****
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Reader Comments (34)
Who let Mrs. Frumpladle's pre-schoolers show off their plasticine "creations " in a bakery display case?
Why does the The Squeaky Noodle Squelcher: have a HoHoHo pick on it? Why?
The magnificence of The Flirpity Floo is matched only by the pure radiance of The Dong-Headed Stumpy Trunks. Just look at how happy they are. It's as if they have risen up in anticipation of some great and joyful event. Bless their hearts.
I don't want to be one of those people but I think you should know: The Hardboiled Nubby-Teeter is a tortoise, not a turtle. Also, the rabbit is a lagomorph and King Cake is a sublime and revered expression of Cajun culture.
"A Reptile Dysfunction" was the title of an episode of "Grimm" from the just-concluded season. :)
Was that first one a meatloaf?
I snortled. Out loud. Several times.
Would you say the Hardboiled Nubby Teeter is all dead or only mostly dead?
Titles for cakes today? Level: Excellent
"Ho Ho Ho" is the sound the Squeaky Noodle Squelchers make JUST BEFORE THEY STRIKE!!!! :)
That third cake down looks so...hopeful!! Poor thing. Leave it to you characters to bring up.....uh...this subject. Re: the "Hardboiled Nubby-Teeter" ("White"!) What is it supposed to "go down easier"? The sewer? Frankly, I think it's better to let sleeping dogs lie....so to speak (*sounds of barking*). Now, see what you've done? He's up, now, and I'll have to let him do his business or there'll be a mess all ov----Darn! Too late... =^~.~^=
Do I want to know what kind of cake that first turtle is supposed to be?
Actually, no. I don't (hurk).
"Flirpity" is the best word and I must steal it and use it whenever possible. I'll try to use flirpity flue, but at least flirpity.
Also, why are some of those santa turtles? Or do turtles just make Ho Ho Ho sounds and I'm just now finding out?
hee. The second cake - they look like green Stay-Puft men.
There are almost no words to... I don't even...again with the cry of the universe "WHYYYYYY!!?" The last one is a whole new photographic illustration of awful. No, hideous. Disturbing?
The Hard-Boiled one? WHAT!? That looks like an attempt by a very unco-ordinated 5 year old who was left alone with radioactive clay-dough.
The Ho-Ho-Ho pics are TOO random! At least their irrelevance draws attention from how truly ugly whatever that is they're stuck in.
The tortoise isn't THAT bad. The colors and shell plates are actually pretty good But, yeah, those feet belong...nowhere.
Oh, today is just grand!
Talk about herp derp.
Okay, so I always like CakeWrecks, but this is the first time I have uncontrollably giggled out loud while reading. Hilarious. Beginning to end.
That first cake isn't a turtle....it's three snakes under a rock! (duh)
The "Snootless Flipper Swaddles" are probably meant to be TMNT cupcakes but, as terrible as they are, they still look better than the godawful CGI ones from the 2014 TMNT movie...which is apparently getting a sequel...eugh.
Maybe that's not a Christmas ho-ho-ho. Maybe it more like "ho ho ho and a bottle of rum", as the decorater must surely have been imbibling.
I decided to have whole wheat pancakes for lunch. I took one look at that first "turtle" and promptly regretted my entire day.
Just.... THANK YOU. You know how to spread joy. And frosting. Bust mostly joy.
I love it when you sneak in surreptitious Princess Bride references.
OK, I've never actually TRIED to make a turtle or tortoise cake, so I suppose I could be completely wrong, but omg it's a turtle how hard can it be?!? (Then again, I have been reading this blog for years, and I've seen simple things wrecked in new and inventive ways nearly every day.)
Now I have an urge to make a turtle cake to see if it's really as hard as these bakers make it out to be...
When I look at "cake" #1, I see a veggie burger with legs made from extraordinarily overripe bananas.
The first one - are those PICKLES crammed into his sides? And the ho ho ho and the Christmas holly on the squeaky noodle squelcher....no words....Christmas turtles???
That first picture? I think your dog needs to be de-wormed....
Hardboiled Nubby-Teeter is actually a leftover Easter egg the baker found in the way back part of the bakery refrigerator. It was there so long it actually came to life, grew a head and legs and tried to crawl away. But the baker caught it and put it back on display for sale.
I get the feeling that most of these cakes would give me a big glob of frosting in my mouth if I bit into them. Seriously, Nos. 2 and 5 look like they’re made ENTIRELY of frosting, and you’d have a hard time convincing me there’s actually cake under all of that.
That last picture nearly had me choking to death on my own spit I laughed so hard lol. Oh my gosh my poor husband. That pic needs a warning hysterical laughter could make you choke lol oh man.
Have these bakers never *seen* animals before?????
@BADKarma: It's not completely dead. But it's not at all well.
I don't know whether "World Turtle Day" was made up to go with this post, or whether its origin is really some external source, but today really *IS* Turtle Day. Today at work (I work in an office), I suddenly heard my boss calling, "Come and look at this!" Standing with her at the front door of the building, it was obvious what she was referring to; strolling across the paved parking lot, between the pickup trucks and sedans, was a snapping turtle. A LARGE snapper--with a shell bigger than a dinner plate. With no significant bodies of water nearby (just a drainage ditch or two), a turtle of this size was surprising. With a building full of critter-loving people, the snapper was soon surrounded by a bevy of attendants, all bent on preventing it from wandering into the road but, being office workers, not willing to pick it up and risk being bitten. Today I had the pleasure of seeing my boss, who is incredibly experienced and knowledgeable in her field of expertise, waving a beach towel (which she happened to have in her car) to try to herd the turtle away from the road. It turns out that snapping turtles are far too pugnacious for that strategy, and will actually jump aggressively and snap at the offending towel. So, in only moments, "herding" changed into a kind of matador performance. Finally, irritated beyond tolerance, the turtle plopped down on its belly, snapped at anything that came close enough to its mouth, and gave the stinkeye to anything it couldn't reach to bite. Nobody ever got up the nerve to pick it up--the snap of its jaws was audible--and eventually it strolled away.
P.S. It didn't look ANYTHING LIKE any of these cakes.
Girl, I got it this time for sure-- Flirpityfloo Nubby-Teeter is DEFinitely my new Drag Name!
Now, if I can just find a way to work the Dong-Headed Stumpy Trunks into the act, I'm GOLDEN!
Cheers!
Storm
Some of these appear to have been made entirely from (YUUUMMMMMM!!!) icing. Excuse me, I'm off to whip up a batch. If any is left, I may have to bake a cake.
The first one is proof you can polish a turd. And my don't it shine.
@ JMizz--your narrative of the snapping turtle story is priceless!
@ Cindyf--are you or anybody in your family in the Marines (or had been)...that's the only place I ever heard that express (and along with it "sorting turds by color").
Deep in the forest of Derp-ee-derp lived on little old lady called Ms. Flirp.
All day long, alone in her home, she sat there quietly sipping her Flirppy-foam.
Till one day, much to her surprise,
sher heard a small noise, no louder than a sigh.
She stood from her chair and let her eyes roam.
What she saw shocked her!
She nearly spilled her foam!
"My , my, my! Would ya look at that! Why I haven't seen you since I was no bigger than a cat!"
"My lonely days are over! Now there's something new!
Waddling through the clover was her long lost Flirppy Floo!