Two Steps Forward And Three Wrecks Back
February 17, 2016 When I first took up arms against the dreaded cupcake cake [patooie!] so many years ago, I never dreamed I would have such an impact on our nation's baked goods. Why, with the help of you readers, I've managed to rip back the curtain of Big Frosting's corporate deception and ineptitude, and reveal the fuzzy, sugar-crusted, frosting-smeared private parts of inhuman indecency.
;)
INHUMAN INDECENCY.
After years of our virtual spitting and no-holds-barred, blistering mockery, I'm happy to report that bakeries have finally begun changing their evil CCC ways.
Granted, it's to stuff that's way worse, but still. Let's focus on the positive here.
For example, this is NOT a cupcake cake:
;)
It's a "baked mountain." Or BM, for short.
Now, is it even messier than a CCC - something they said could never be done?
Yes.
Is it repulsive enough to have been assembled by a drunken yak?
Yes.
Is it STILL not enough frosting?
HECK YEAH!
I MEAN, NO. I MEAN, YES, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH FROSTING.
(THAT WAS A VERY HARD QUESTION TO ANSWER WITH A SIMPLE YES OR NO.)
Ahem.
Enter the "Brownie Dipper."
;)
It's a quart of frosting with a dash of sprinkles and brownie bites mixed in.
COWER AND WEEP, YE INSOLENT MASSES!
COWER... AND WEEP!
Because a brownie without frosting is like stick butter that hasn't been deep fried.
And also: 'MURRICA!
Now, I don't know about you, but I often think back to my poor, deprived childhood, back when gingerbread cookies didn't come with a half-inch layer of buttercream and freakish plastic flotsam heads.
;)
I'm actually tearing up a little.
But you're probably wondering, "Gee, Jen, what ELSE could bakers cram together and cover in enough frosting to make my pancreas self-implode from mere proximity?"
I'm glad you asked.
How about cinnamon buns?
;)
...shaped like the Lombardi trophy?
Um...
Hang on a sec.
[googling "Lombardi Trophy"]
Ah.
BWAHAHAHAAAA!!!
(P.S. - I know nothing about sports, but even *I* can tell that thing is a puddle of Terminator.)
Still, those buns have a few frosting-free spots on them. Can't have that, now, can we?
;)
Say hello to my new favorite pyramid scheme!
I'd also like to note that this Baked Mountain is really living up to its initials.
Still, you know what we really REALLY need? Donuts...in the shape of a dragon. With bacon. And more frosting. And more bacon. And a creepy skeleton wedding topper.
Yeah. That would be pretty epic, alright.
[whistling innocently]
;)
On the one hand, I am deeply ashamed that this exists in our society today.
On the other...
DIBS ON THE TAIL.
Thanks to Kelly M., Bethany T., Jenn B., Kimberly, Karen F., and Tim & Angella D. for revealing my secret shame.
*****
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Reader Comments (62)
As much as I love frosting, with those things you might as well serve sugar with a spoon.
Between the possibility of Trump being "elected" and the fact that so many people willingly eat these stomach turning heaps of fat and sugar, I have to say America is DOOOOOMED, …DOOOOOOMED, I tell you.
Brownie Dipper: The Donald Trump of baked goods.
Huh. I had no idea mercury could be used as frosting. It could use some uranium sprinkles though.
So that last cake is the equivalent of an S and a more different S? It does have a bugle filled with frosting to represent burninating!
Where is my beefy arm? Why aren't the Skeleton Peasants on fire?
Trogdoooor!!!!!!
I thought the silver thing was either Thor's hammer or Quicksilver's remains.
Okay, but wait, why is there a severed finger with the dragon?? WHY?!?
How is that even frosting on the cinnamon buns? It looks like someone took one of those old silver permanent markers (you know what I mean? yeah? yeah? The ones that when you colored with them smelled horrible and looked like shiny silver paint) and colored all over them.
Whelp...it's not every day you see a silver-frosting-covered edible penis now, is it? What are those stickers next to that "Lombardi Trophy?" At first I thought they were Frozen, but then I saw the initials "LV."
Dibs on the dragon head!! (No, NOT the Lombardi "head!")
Oh the humanity... I mean CAKE-manity! That is NOT a Lombardi Trophy Cake - that is a celebrate Atomic Bombs cake. Anyone can see that... sheesh!
I doubt there is a "plural" form for cake wrecks (i.e. a 'murder' of crows, a 'school' of fish), but there should be... for this posting. I mean, I can't even! Too busy ROTFLMAO! MaryO1230
Is that second Baked Mountain IN A BATHTUB?!?
I'm rather enjoying the mental image of *anything* being assembled by a drunken yak. Someone needs to draw this.
Those gingerbread - uh - things look like an unfortunate mash-up between Elmo and Mr Bill.
I like the atomic cinnamon bun. Sh-boom.
I'm rather touched by the skeletal wedding couple mourning over the fallen (creamed, in fact) dragon.
"Baked mountains"? Oh, they're clearly trying to mess with you, Jen!
I don't care what it looks like. I would fall on that doughnut mountain like the wrath of God.
At least with a standard cupcake cake, you don't get frosting on the bottom of the wrapper, too.
On the other hand, baked mountains don't try and fail miserably to look like anything, whereas CCCs tend to fail at looking like anything other than amorphous blobs.
Ooh, Choccy Mountain, hi! Let me introduce you to my tongue. He's a very good friend of mine...
I am... confused by the flotsam on the left side. It is some quarter-ventricled attempt to tie it in with -- for all I know -- Bratz or something? At least the plastic clown head could maybe be passed off as the head of the mostly-frosting doll lying freely on the torso of the right one.
I see a silver mushroom. A tribute to altered mental states...?
What a waste of perfectly good doughnuts and frosting. Also confusing. A dragon and a skeletal bride and groom? What?
I swore off sugar after Valentine's Day. Thank you, Cake Wrecks, for quashing my cravings.
First comment! Yeah! I thought chocolate dipped bacon was bad enough, but bacon dougnut dragons, COME ON BAKERS!
I need a bumper sticker that says COWER AND WEEP, YE INSOLENT MASSES!
And I didn't know dragons could make the cheerleading squad. I mean, how else did he (she?) get a megaphone?
Anybody remember the guy in the control tower in "Airplane", the funny guy who wasn't Lloyd Bridges? I feel like him as he ran by shouting ( I think) " Anty Em! Anty Em!" These horrid desserts ( that term is used with great reluctance) are like a catastrophe that is so eminent that you.can't.even.cope.
HAL-a big reason I can't remember that bit of dialogue from a movie I watched for about the 25th time on Saturday is...those silver markers. I LOVED those things! And the made things silvery, too.
Thank you, Jen; this made today the best Wednesday ever!
The "trophy" cake picture was taken by the bakery. On purpose. Apparently.
I was on board with the Brownie Dipper until I saw the bacon-topped doughnut dragon. Yeah. It's what's for dinner.
And for someone who has no interest in sports, I did instantly recognize the Lombardi Trophy. I didn't know that was the name of it, but yeah. I was more interested in how you get that color and sheen of icing though.
@MaryO1230 - I'm not sure of the proper collective plural for Cakewrecks either, but I think the examples in this post would qualify as a "Murder of Baked Goods".
That dragon. Did somebody actually ORDER that as a wedding cake? I fear for their marriage - and their offspring.
This was a much needed laugh!! I really thought the buns were a mechanical p.....nvm.
I read "brownie diaper." Think about it.
I read 'Brownie Diaper' without blinking. It seemed fitting. I also read this post because the cover photo of the 'trophy' that showed up on my fb feed made me think this would be about Thor and his hammer.
I'm so glad I'm not the only person who saw Trogdor in the last wreck!!
And the 2nd Baked Mountain looks like what happens when a croquembouche and a donut shop have a baby. It's weird looking, but I would give it a try.
OMG! These are outstanding, especially that silver coated thing-a-ma-jig. Also, what a waste of bacon when you put it on a cake. Eggs and bacon I get, cake, frosting and bacon I don't understand.
I would bet money that the maple bacon dragon donut thing is from Voodoo Donuts in Portland, OR. They do weddings there (yes weddings in a donut shop!) So yeah that was most likely someone's wedding cake. I don't hate it tho. :-P
A splat of cakewrecks. A gufaw.
A blunderbus.
A trepidation?
A smashing.
A cringing.
And maybe a pancreatic of frosting?
Let's hear it for regurgitating the English language, Jen deserves a word for a gathering of cakewrecks. Webster needs more word garbled verbage.
A frenetic of cakewreck bakers disgorging a blathering of CCCs (Ptooie). It could happen. :-)
Duct tape icing on a hammer! Must be having a party at Possum Lodge.
It was nice of the bakery to include images of what eventually happens to people who eat doughnuts and bacon.
Oooh, @Ado_Annie, I like a guffaw of cakewrecks!
How about an appallment?
A travesty?
A frostingwaste?
I love collective plurals!
Any chance the cinnamon roll monstrosity is supposed to be Mjolnir? That would at least explain why its so shiny.
At first blink I thought that silver thing was the worst Enterprise ever baked.
Number 3 appears to be -- how can I put this delicately? - pre-eaten.
If only it WAS "buttercream" which would imply actual butter, a real food. Unfortunately, most of these places don't really use butter but use Fake White Crap (FWC) which is made in a factory out of dead hydrogenated styrofoam. Butter will melt at your body's temperature (literally "melt in your mouth") while FWC might melt in a 5-alarm fire or something. Bleah, I'd no more eat these CCCs than I'd eat The Terminator, melted on the floor in front of me.
All this to say: this is one of the funniest things I've read all day. BM indeed.
The 'Lombardi trophy' looks like a mushroom cloud. Or maybe just a mushroom.
I thought the Lombardi trophy was Thor's hammer.
@Ado_Annie
A 'splat' of Cakewrecks. Awesome. Totally. Maybe Jen could weigh in on this! ;-) A wink w/a smile.
I think that penultimate one is trying to be a croquembouche, or at least it's lowbrow equivalent.
I'm with @Shirley
ZOMG that last pic, those toppers are exactly the ones I had on my wedding cake! (Just the toppers, no dragonoid monstrosity - it was a single layer Mississippi mud cake, and I ate it for breakfast for three days afterwards.)
DOUGHNUT CROQUEMBOUCHE FTW! Hell yeah I'd dive into that face-first. Damn the Langerhans cells, I'm goin' in!
For a collective noun, I can only suggest a catastrophe of cakewrecks. Which may involve an insulin of frosting.
I was just reading through the comments and asked The Squire hat (or who) a Trogdor was. He didn't know, so I scrolled up to the cake in question. "Is that a chicken?" "No! It's supposed to be a dragon." "Oh. With those red wattles, I thought it was a rooster or a chicken."
First, I would like to point out that butter sticks have NEVER been deep-fried and NEVER will be. 'Stick butter' may be an entirely different concept. Sounds like something hockey-related. Yeah, that's it. (Hi, kids!)
Second, the silver cinnamon bun thing is CLEARLY an attempt to mock King Cakes, and should NEVER have been shown. King Cakes are NOT cinnamon buns, are NOT usually frosted with JB Weld, and are NEVER...well, you know. Just had to get that off my chest.
Lastly, the Lombardi trophy in no way resembles that...thing. So now we're insulting the Lombardi trophy, are we? Are you implying that er, um, 'guys who win the Lombardi trophy for football-related stuff' are being awarded diabetes? People depend on this site for factual information. I dunno...kids these days...
I thought the cinnamon bun trophy one was supposed to be the Starship Enterprise at first. Ugh.
I must have had a rough day at work today, because when I left I was tired, droopy, and discouraged. After a stop on the way home for a hug from my favorite person, I got home and booted up my laptop. "Maybe," I thought to myself, "Perusing some Cakewrecks will make me feel better." Pulled up the site, and...
I didn't even need to go past that first CCC (PTUI!!). Maybe I'm punchy, but I sat on my couch and laughed at that goofy thing for I-dunno-how-long. Then read the commentary and laughed some more. I don't know if sharing a name means we share a similar sense of humor, but I needed that today. Thank you, Jen. Truly.
So, I'm unlikely to be funny today. Too brain-dead.
A Coma of Cakewrecks? To go with the insulin of frosting?
Mushroom cloud. At least the "brownie dipper" has sprinkles.
I must be on the same wavelength as Amy Dee because I also thought of VooDoo Donuts. The maple-bacon donut is my favorite post-half marathon treat. They are sooooo good -- I signed up for a race near Portland this summer just so I have an excuse to get the donut!
I saw the silver thing, and my first thought was "Space Dong".
That first cake is a portrait of Al Jaffee from MAD magazine in clown makeup. And that silver thing isn't a cake at all anyway, it's a Pi.
Guess this was the wrong week to give up sniffing glue. (Lloyd Bridges in "Airplane". The aforementioned sarcastic character was portrayed by Stephen Stucker.)