My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

7 More Things That Should Never Be On Cake

And now, as a service to our readers' dieting endeavors:

7 MORE Things That Should Never Be On Cake


7. Anything that looks like a spleen

Also, why is the spleen the go-to organ for icky descriptions? You never hear someone say, "Hey, that organesque thing sure looks like a gallbladder!" Which begs the questions: is "organesque" a word? 'Cuz if not, it totally should be.


6. Shrimp

Because shrimp.


5. Nipples

Hey, don't get me wrong; nipples are great. Heck, I even have one myself. But cake should not have nipples. It just shouldn't. And the fact that I had to bring that sentence into the world makes me seriously question the direction this country is going.


4. Ants

Because anything I spend time and money trying to kill should not be something I have to pick off my cake.


3. Actual Feathers Plucked From Actual Birds

Let me get this straight: you jammed real feathers into the icing you expect me to eat?

So how about I fetch a beaver pelt and throw that sucker on there, too? Because if there's one thing we've learned about cake decorating, it's that animal outsides are both appetizing and completely sanitary!


2. Mold



1. Back hair

Actually, this is kind of hilarious.

Assuming those are chocolate shavings, of course.




Thanks to wreckporters Kathryn B., Kerrigan W., Ashlee, Kelly G., Rocky J., Tami F., & Anony M. for the inspiration to just have a salad today.


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Reader Comments (57)

Anyone else think it strange there are bits of flotsam covering the bottom of the peacock feathers? Why is that? Is there some law that says the bottom of peacock feathers must not be shown in public? It is the equivalent of a fig leaf. Or tassels on nipples. Weird, right? Am I the only one?
Truly hrk-worthy wrecks today Jen. Thanks for sharing.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen S

Plot twist: those aren't fake ants.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSkatie

Ya know, if you published a book of the gross cakes and sold them at weight watchers you would make a fortune.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

...yeah....I'd probably eat the shrimp cake.
What's not to like? Cake? Good. Shrimp? Good.
...I mean, I'd at least TRY it. Bet it's a lemon cake with a cocktail sauce filling. ;)

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMinda

5) pubic belly hair...

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterPam B

Is that actual mold, or just terrible decorating?

I mean, on this site, you have to make sure...

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMaxie

Actually the on the first cake it looks like it might be a uterus.... Happy Hysterectomy!?

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterPenny M

For a hot second, I really believed that #6 was covered in fondant/gum paste renditions of shrimp. Upon further review, those are in fact actual shrimp. Perhaps shellfish on pastry is a thing in Spanish speaking places.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMoira

Please, please tell me that the decorator was going for Tommy, not Tammy on that last one.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterColin M.

Ew! Ew! And...EWWWWWW!!!

I don't mind the ants -- would kind of like a cupcake like that! But, I'm terrified of birds and feathers freak me the hell out, so I would NOT be happy to receive a cake covered in actual peacock feathers!! I've been especially scared of peacock feathers since I was a little girl. Gross gross gross gross GROSS!

I love how the second-to-last cake enraged Jen so much she abandoned proper punctuation. It's okay Jen -- we love you! Might I suggest a delicious cocktail? (Though it's only 8:30 a.m. here?) We love you! Don't let those bad bakers get you down!

The mold cake and the shrimp cake...I have no words.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

P.S. Forgot to say how much the one nipple and the beaver pelt comments in your captions absolutely made my day! Thanks Jen!

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

True story: I spent a few homeless years in Tallahassee, FL and, yes, I did eat out of garbage cans sometimes. Life was hard.

But one thing I learned quickly: "it's probably still fresh if the ants haven't found it yet."

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJay

EACH one of these cakes begs the question of the bakers:

"WHAT were you THINKING?"

Mold, SHRIMP (seriously.... SHRIMP?) feathers? And... ANTS????? I'm reminded of the wonderful 50s classic "THEM" when James Arness turns to (I think) James Whitmore and says "ANTS? I don't believe it!" Auck!

Hilarious, as always. People never fail to amuse me. Too, too funny

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMaryO1230

Save me a slice of that nipple!

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered Commentera person

I was curious about the torta langostinos, figuring it had to be a savory rather than sweet dish, and man, I have to say, after looking up a recipe, it looks amazing.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSkatie

I should be polite and NOT laugh about the ' one nipple ' but I did anyway . Priceless .

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterThe Former CB

Okay, I looked up Tarta de langostinos (the shrimp cake) and I'm going to suggest that it doesn't belong here.
It's apparently a fairly popular dish. It's not actually cake under the shrimp, it's a layer of either a kind of tuna salad or potato salad. Or apparently, both are sometimes layered together.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJill

The "nipples" on number 5 look more like skin cancer.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterTheCreepyTribble

"Nipples" appears to have a menorah inked where the abs usually are. And where, oh where, can I get royal blue pompom panties like those at the bottom of the cake? My look needs these!
"Feathers" is definitely disgusting! There's a reason that "pretty bird" and "dirty bird" refer to the same thing. EwEwEWWWW!!! The wrinkley plastic tablecloth really gives it class, though.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered Commenters.marie

My daughter is taking an entomology course this semester, and the course project is to raise a colony of edible insects, create a recipe, prepare said recipe, and serve it to the biology department. I'm guessing they'd get a great deal of negative feedback if this were an equine studies course. Anyway, I'm going to send her a copy of the ant cake. Seems like an easy B.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

The "spleen" actually looks like a pair of barbecue wings to me. Those also don't belong on cakes.

I'm not quite as anti-ant as you. However:

1. Cartooniness is key. They should, unlike real ants, have two humanoid eyes with scleras and pupils and maybe irises. They should also have pleas-ant smiles. They should NOT look like you need an exterminator.

2. I can only think of one situation that would call for them. Imagine you're someone's sister. (If it's true, even better.) The person you're a sister to has his/her first child. Perfect time to break out the "I'm an ANT!" cake. If you share this change of status with others (whether your sisters or in-laws, permission granted to have more than one. But only then. And the iced caption would be "We're ANTS!"

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterNyperold

Shrimp "cake" is indeed not an actual sweet cake. It's in the same category as Sandwich Cakes:

The shrimp is absolutely in the right place :-)

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMaria

I'd take that shrimp cake -- deep fried!
Kings Cake, anyone?

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen S

From what i can see of the ingredients on the second cake (Mayo? Lemon? Salsa?) it's possible that is a variation of savory "sandwich cake" I learned about this year. Popular in Sweden, known there as a "smorgastarta" it's a cake made of layers of bread and sandwich filling, frosted with a mayo-based spread, and decorated with vegetables, cold cuts, and seafood

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterGoosey

So I am at home with the flu and running a 100-degree fever. When I saw the nipple cake, I thought it was something from "The Lion King."

I think I need to put down the computing devices and go back to bed. Hakuna matata!

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

It's not actually mold on the cake, it's black sanding sugar on whipped icing. When you sprinkle the sugar on whipped cream it eventually dissolves and leaves the color behind.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

I am betting you actually have 2 nipples yourself. Not just one.

That actually looks more like a placenta to me....

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

How many people even know what a spleen looks like?

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterElissa

Why does that tooth have nipples?! And I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to be pink...

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAlicia

The Shrimp cske is actually very nice. It's from a Spanish supermarket and has no cake at all. It's bread, seafood salad, pink sauce and Shrimp. Nothing sweet.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterRaquel

Cake #1 may be a placenta cake. I hope not, but that's what it's going to be in my nightmare tonight.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterHairfish

Can I add dirty belly buttons to that list?

I mean, ok, it's easy to overlook the belly button when it's hiding under the Zoidberg abs and asymmetrical nipples, and I'm generally opposed to cake belly buttons on the same grounds as cake nipples. It's just icky and cake shouldn't be icky. But this is a ~discolored~ belly button. That cake needs an MRI or a perception cream, or at least a qtip...but I think it's safe from forks.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterDonnaB

My mind always goes to Paul Reubens as The Spleen in Mystery Men, which makes that cake even more repulsive!

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterLori T.

The shrimp "cake" contains whisky, so how bad can it be?

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterTriciaL

I think the "spleen" is actually a fruit preserve spread on top. But still not something I would eat lol.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAlecia

That first one looks more like a pancreas to me, so maybe if you were looking for a birthday cake for an endocrinologist. Or the second one could be suitable for a prawnologist. Is prawnologist even a word? If you can use 'organesque', I can use 'prawnologist'. The third one, for somebody who is just starting out on the study of anatomy, the fourth one for a post-graduate student who has spent the last three years in India studying the ablutionary non-habits of peacocks, the fifth one is obviously intended for a mycology conference and the sixth one for a person training in trichology. There. See? Perfectly rational rationales for all these cakes...

Uh, no, really, I got nothing.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterdr handle

The nipples are too close together so they seem like eyes. The cake appears to be staring at me and smiling creepily...and I am now traumatized! Please make it stop!!!

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

#1. Unlike the prior spleen, which was a Whistling Spleen, this one appears to be playing the bagpipes.
#2. Apparently my dislike of rubbery little crustaceans makes me a weirdo, so I have no comment on the second cake. The third cake actually makes more sense as something from The Lion King, despite the blue fluffy clown collar. The fourth cake? >Hurk< Moving on... Regarding the fifth cake, I have only one word: Salmonella. With paisleys. Okay, three words.

I decline to acknowledge the final two cakes. Maybe if I ignore them, they'll go away... >urp<

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJMixx

A spleen is a large, gelatinous, bloody organ. Why, yes, I do work in surgery!! A gallbladder is a cute, blue/green, finger length organ. Clearly, you see the humor... Er... Whatever these cakes are supposed to be.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterStacy H.

So the shrimp cake is actually a traditional Swedish sandwich cake. It's savory and not sweet and is made with bread and seafood and amazing things and I love them and they're the best.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterElise

Your Scandinavian sandwich cake is a real thing and a common thing in Minnesota. It's a sandwich loaf. It looks like a torte but the 'frosting' is cream cheese and the middle is layered egg salad, ham salad, and tuna salad within a loaf of bread sliced horizontally. It is something to behold. It's pictured here, in the photo on the left, with pretty violet flowers on top.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterCathy

*takes notes*

No nipples on any naked torso cake shipped to Jen.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKathleen

Wow! Two trips to the bunker in as many days. Brings back memories. Did anyone remember to feed Theardare? ;)

The shrimp cake looks like something from Mid Century Menus.

Thanks for the retro chuckles today, Jen.

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterZippy

There's actually something else about the nipple cake that bothers me much, much more than the nipples. Can we just take a moment to appreciate that gloriously unwashed belly button? That's something you (THANKFULLY!) don't see every day . . . on cake anyway. Also, I realize that several have pointed out that the shrimp cake is not actually a cake, but I had to share this true story. When I was 17 I prepared a nice dinner for my dad for his birthday. Boiled shrimp, various sides, and (of course) birthday cake. That was the year I learned that if you bake a cake while boiling shrimp, your cake comes out tasting just like shrimp!!! Worst cake ever!

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterCassandra S

I really hope the #1 was just a baker who is hard of hearing. I hope the call went something like "I need the cake to say 'Hurry back, Tammy' and just draw whatever works with that". "Hairy back, sure, gotcha." "No I said hurry oh nevermind ill just send it to cakewrecks..."

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJ

Speaking of feathers, the local supermarket bakery has begun labeling "bear claws" as "angel wings". Politically correct? Patooie! When thinking of biting into an "angel wing", I think of a mouthful of dry, tough feathers. Urp! With a few ants on it for good measure

February 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterStella

It looks like two or three people TRIED to launch an EPCOT on the tarta. How long has it been, anyway? Anything even remotely close to that one epic Marti Gras? Is the Bunker / Resort / Etc still open? I've been away for awhile. Not 'away' as in locked up somewhere, but just, you know, kind of not there. Not 'not there' as in needing a rubber hat, but not present. In cyberspace. Ok, here. Oy.

February 11, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

I think it's just fun to say "Spleen". =-)

February 11, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSeabird

Now I'm ashamed that I didn't see that blur as a dirty belly button. It looked to me like a tuft of lower abdomen hair that has been crudely called a "joy trail". Sorry to bring everyone down to my adolescent humor, but these things happen in middle age.

February 11, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMoira

Ants do love poo.

February 11, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterRobin

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