My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

The Write Stuff

For Handwriting Analysis Week I thought we should take a fair, unbiased look at what kind of sick, twisted deviants could be writing on our cakes with their sick, twisted piping bags.



Exhibit A.

One can observe from the jagged, hesitant strokes and middle patterns that this individual has an impulsive emotional responsiveness and cautious self-castigation. Also present: a nagging apprehension that she left the coffee maker on.


Exhibit 2.

Note the broadminded structures and upward slant that shows a tendency toward self-deceit and argumentative euphoria, with a perfunctory nod to antidisestablishmentarianism. Tsk. So typical.


Exhibit 6.

Totally horny.


Exhibit IV.

Horny, with a side of cautious self-castigation.


Exhibit È.

Randy as a tipsy Newman.


Exhibit Spoon.

Potential ax-murderer. Who is horny.


And finally:

Exhibit Nein.


A magical unicorn with telekinetic powers.

Or an overworked shift manager, who has a headache.

[shifty eyes]



Thanks to Arthur S., Breanne S., Nikki M., Marcela T., Christy H., Kayla G., & Stephanie K. for making every hyper-active preschooler with a crayon look down right talented.


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Reader Comments (26)

Re: that last cake... I have a vagina too! Why don't I get a cake??

January 19, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterCali Kath

Cake décor demands a reliance
On fine calligraphy compliance
But when sanity’s in doubt
Once can figure it out
By relying on penmanship science

January 19, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

My. Those are some long words. Especially that one.....

January 19, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterFrankN.Stein

Bwah, John (THOJ), my favorite part is the exhibit labels. More than once have I gotten a copy back of something I filed in court, and my exhibits were labeled in a wonky manner (By ME, not by anyone else like an assistant or a paralegal. Or Satan.). Luckily, I have not yet labeled any of them "Exhibit Spoon" or "Nein" but I have more than once caught myself using both numbers and letters (Plaintiffs usually use numbers here and defendants use letters.). Overwork and stress make for funny errors. It should make me more sympathetic to these pathetic bakers. But it doesn't!!

January 19, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

Thank you for the creative exhibit numbering system. It's always a plus to be able to mix creativity and science, especially to the degree (nth) that you have.

January 19, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterdrgs4vr

Sorry to contradict you John (thoJ) but the person responsible for ex. IV was clearly high as a kite.

January 19, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterZeenia

Well done, John (thoj)
@SuBee -- well done there

January 19, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen S

@Jodi....I'm in the middle of exhibits and briefs and such for a case I'm working on, as I read today's CW installment. Perfect timing! I just hope when I resume actual work, I don't mix up the exhibits and such and start doing them in said 'wonky manner". But I hear you about that girl! I ALSO want a cake as I have a Va-Jay-Jay too! who knew that called for CAKE! This is my favorite way to take a break each day by visiting my very favorite gang of Cake Wreck-a-holics!

January 19, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterCookiemama

Things would go better if Kayla were to change her name to Kayk.

January 19, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterR3test

Hahaha! I lost it at "Exhibit Spoon."

Love thinking about a randy, tipsy Randy Newman, too. He's pestering his wife to give his woody a buzz. *snicker* He might have composed some alternate lyrics like these that I wrote for my husband one Valentine's Day. Let's all sing along, shall we? Parents, cover your kids' ears.

You’ve got your chub in me.
You’ve got your dong in me.
When you’re horny and getting head,
and we’re boinking and shagging all over the bed,
you just remember what your dear wife said.
Babe, you’ve got your tool in me.
Yeah, you’ve got your knob in me.

You’ve got your rod in me.
You’ve got your schlong in me.
You got the giggles?
Well, I got them, too.
There isn’t anything
funnier than me and you.
We stick together, we’re stuck like glue,
cause you got your spooge on me.
You’ve got your jizz on me.

Some other gals might be a little bit taller than I am.
Blonder and duller, too.
But none of them
will ever pork you
the way I do.
It’s me and you, babe.

And if my clam gets dry,
and if your snake up and dies,
you’re gonna see, I’ll still want whoopee.
You’ll cram your worm in me.
You’ll jam your jello in me.
Yeah, you’ll stuff your flesh in mine.

January 19, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKW

Exhibit Nein - for that special post-op patient.
(However, the choice of red icing roses is disturbing.)

I shall be using your numbering system for my next grant application. Give them something else to complain about.

January 19, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterTriciaL

For the decorator of Exhibit Spoon, I have two words: therapy.

January 19, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMary Jayne

@Cookiemama, amen sister friend! Good luck with your exhibits and, for heaven's sake, DON'T accidentally label one "Exhibit Vagina!!" Might get the court's attention though...

January 19, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

@Jodi and Cookiemama: What would happen if you labeled an exhibit 'Nein'? Would you be so kind as to perform a science experiment and share with the class? Please? It's like Haiku Joy and the fondant babies!

January 19, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJust Andrea

Does that second one say birthday, or b*tchday?

January 19, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterselkie

Your labels lead me to believe that The Tick has returned. Spoon!!!

Also, Subee!! Limericks rock!

January 20, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJMixx

Wow that last cake. And you can even read it too lol. Well I want a cake just for having a vagina too dang it. Though with my luck it would end up looking like a scary baby shower cake and I would run off screaming into the night lol.

January 20, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterArlene Marie

Didn't their eventual bosses get some clue from how the decorators filled out their job applications?

January 20, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAl K

I have a vagina, too. Can I at least get a Twinkie?

January 20, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterHairfish

Exhibit Nein:
Could it be...
a) A sex-change celebration?
ii) A young girl "coming out" to her parents, who always wanted a boy, dressed her as a boy, and eventually forgot she wasn't?
ay-ay-ay) A woman in a male-dominated industry explaining basic anatomy to her co-workers one tea break at a time? (Next Tuesday, "I have breasts", Friday, "You have testicles")

January 20, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAA

That can't be right.
Two bakers actually spelled "congratulations" right, albeit in wonky caffeine-deprived writing.


Okay, I'm going back to bed now.

January 20, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterCookiemonstress

Exhibit Spoon has pubic hair! Oh my!

January 20, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterExperienced Cake Decorator

Exhibit 2 clearly says "HAPPY BICTHDAI"(unless is maybe says"HAPPY BICTHTOI" or "HAPPY BICTHbeI"?), which is obviously an accidental misspelling of "bitchday", which is really unfair because when I have a bitchday I don't get cake to make it all better, everyone just gives me weird looks and mutters "whatever" under their breath while they shake their head and walk away. Like I can't hear them or would even care what they're "whatevering" about anyway, I am NOT a frikin maid and I'm not the only one around here that knows how to put shirts on hangers or replace the toilet paper rolls like a civilized human being, and I JUST bought that box of cereal! I don't understand how it can be gone already if NOBODY ate it. Someone is LYING, and when I find the TMNT figurine that was at the bottom of that box I will KNOW who it is!

AnyWAY, bitchdays should be celebrated with (or placated by) cake. That's a thing now, so everyone just go with it.

January 20, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterDonnaB

On almost all of those, all I could think was that the bakery personnel had gone home for the day and Larry from Deli or maybe Marge from frozen foods stepped up to personalize the cakes. It looks like Larry's handwriting...

January 20, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara

This is what happens when customers come up to the bakery after hours and snag a deli associate and say, "Hey can you write on this cake for me?" Deli associate says, " Uh, I work in the deli. I don't decorate the cakes." Customer replies, "Oh that's okay, I'm sure it'll be fine!"

Just listen to the associates, okay?

February 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

I feel like that last cake is what happens when some guy keeps making gross transphobic comments to a ciswoman. Obviously, it's full of laxative.

June 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJackal

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