Princess: Impossible
April 22, 2014 In honor of National Princess Week, I've arranged to have some of the world's most famous royalty come and visit! Woot woot!
But then they all canceled, so we got these instead:
;)
YIKES.
I mean, uh, won't you say hello, ladies?
;)
"I DON'T LIKE YOU."
;)
[silent glare]
;)
"Life is awful, and then you die.
"....Happy birthday."
Ohhhh kaaay...
Oh, but look! I think Ariel made it, after all!
To think, she swam all this way just to wish you aAAAAAUUUGHH!!
;)
[climbing off floor]
[adjusting hair]
Well, I guess we should just try to make the best of things.
Play us off, Hell's Belles!!
[heavy metal intro plays]
;)
"Tale of cakey crime!
[JUDJUDJUDJUD]
"Cruel as it can be!"
;)
"Curse these princess trends!
[YOWWWW!]
"When will it all end?!"
;)
[music slows]
"Someoooone call
aaa
priiieeeeest!"
Thanks to Colleen W., Kerry Z., Anja H., Amanda S., Cassie S., Jennifer F., Lesley W., & Crista C. for the fairy tale rending.
*****
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Reader Comments (60)
#3 looks like Lady Cassandra, right before she turned into a bitchy trampoline.
Yep! That last one is foaming at the mouth!
My first thought from the "Ariel" cake was, "AAAHHH, it's a Goa'uld symbiote from Stargate SG-1. " Then I saw that the name on the cake was Cassandra and I KNEW it was a Goa'uld!!!.
Ah," Princess Alyssa: A Cautionary Tale" is my favorite of the princess stories. It tells the sad story of a girl who, rather than planning for her own future, marries a "prince" at a very early age. When it doesn't work out, does she have any career prospects? NO! Does she possess any life skills? NO! Should she have listened to her mother and gone to college? YES! So she's left to a degrading life starring in her own reality show, then pole dancing and finally, well, it's just too horrible to mention.
Let that be a lesson to you, young minions. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER!
As for the others, I like that first Cinderella and depressingly realistic Snow White better than the originals...
The writing on the next to the last one is lovely, but I certainly can't say the same about the princess. It looks as if the decorators all tried to do the entire cake with a #5 tube, instead of something finer for the faces.
I have to say that the except for the face the Snow White cake isn't that bad. And, I love, "fairy tale rending". That was hilarious.
Wow. How much therapy did these kids need after getting these cakes?
How do you think that goiter affects Snow White's cute little singing voice? Probably better that we don't know, right?
Brilliant and hilarious, as usual, Jen!
"Happy 4t birthday"?
Either someone ages by toddler clothing size, or it was supposed to be "40".
That's one ugly bunch of cross-dressers....
I like the 4t on the Ariel cake! Not her 4th birthday, just made it to that size clothes!!
Unfortunately, the princesses could not be available today, but the UGLY Step-sisters were all in attendance.
The last one looks like a really bad selfie
AAAUUUUGGGHHHH D:
Wow, those Belles at the end are really horrific.
And why doesn't Cassandra want us to know her age? She's 4+, but 4 plus how many?
Amazing how skillfully executed that cookie cameo is starting to look (#3). Time to revisit some Sunday Sweets posts stat.
Okay, find something nice to say...princess head party, nope; Ursula dress with Joan Rivers' face, not that one;[shudder], moving on quickly; sad Snow White, too sad for words; well, the roses on the Ariel cake aren't horrible, we'll come back to that one; bad nose job Belle, moving on; hey, look--the bottom of that fondant dress is really pretty, and the writing is excellent! Aaaaand Big Mouth Belle ruins it.
What Ariel lacks in arms, the last cake makes up for with mouth.
I have to say that I just showed this to my resident princesses expert (three year old Darth Maryn) and she correctly identified the uh, inspiration, for each cake and when I asked if she'd be happy if any of them were for her birthday and she said yes. My conclusion from this is that hopefully the younger recipients of the disasters were just happy to have a princess cake...and parental funds should just have gone to making 'em at home!
"Princess" #7 looks like she's wearing an octopus on her head. One that's a little too fond of her neck boobs.
Just to let you know, it's not easy to type one handed because the other one is trying to stifle the gasps.
I think the 2th one looks like Joan Rivers. I can't be the only one, right? And why is it shiny???
Drag queen Snow White needs to do something about that five-o-clock shadow.
Cake no. 4: Snow White was present when the evil Nazi opened the Ark of the Covenant, while Indiana Jones and Marian looked away. However, Snow White looked away just in time, and her face only partially melted, unlike the evil Nazi next to her, whose face melted completely.
Sloppy and gooey
Sticky and pooey
Ickity, yuckity, eewww!
These will cause nightmares
Believe it or not!
Ickity, yuckity, eewww!
Cassandra's fort birthday will never be forgotten. (...What, you don't believe me?)
(To "Every Girl Can Be A Princess", apparently from a CD called "Princess Tea Party. Song selected via the highly scientific method of typing lyrics princess into the address/search bar and choosing from the first page of results. I've never heard this song, so...)
Any cake can be a wrecked one
Buttercream can be
Close your eyes, don't see
A muddled fondant, soon they've gone
to just "ew" from royalty
My brain won't let me get very far at the moment. If somebody wants to continue this...
Ummm...... I think you got the wrong week. These cakes seem to have been for "Ugly Stepsister Week".
My first reaction on seeing the first cake was "When did Donna Noble become a Disney princess?" Then I realized that the redhead was supposed to be Ariel and it was all pretty much downhill from there. LOL
Is it just me or does poor depressed Snow White look exactly like a skeleton attempting to cross-dress? A fancy occasion at the cemetery, or is it just the Princess reanimated? These are the important questions in life.
Oh my. I've now giggled constantly for roughly 7 minutes and my cat is looking at me funny ... Thanks for the ab-workout, Jen! :D
Just what I needed, some "perfect" ladies I can laugh at, because today I am not feeling so hot. As some of you know, I have epilepsy, and I am switching from one medication to another. The process causes me severe nausea, such that I have a barf bucket by me at all times and can't even THINK about chocolate. Yeah, that bad.
But on the other hand, cakes like these are kinda sucky--urp! Gotta get my bucket!
The last one was designed by Picasso....brilliant masterpiece.
Is it just me or does the Cinderella on the second cake look like Joan Rivers? maybe a couple of faces ago.....
So, for # 7, is that like the Goth version of Belle? or did she and the Beast/ Prince break up and now she's in a relationship with the wrong kind of guy...
And I agree Jodee, the 2th <snort> one DOES look like Joan, sssshhh, no one tell her the cake needs work too!
Finally! A Disney princess that looks like me! Plus-sized Belle! Yay!
Kill it with fireaaauuuuggh!
Some bakers need to take anatomy lessons, or just to buy glasses or mirror. They need to learn how a human being looks like. And then how Disney characters look like.
Clearly the Belle from Happy 5th Birthday Ashley is either suffering from an allergic reaction to shellfish or she has put on a few pounds since I watched the movie.
In addition, I must agree with my fellow posters; Joan Rivers definitely modeled for that shiny interpretation of Cinderella.
Why is there a Snow White Shrinky Dink on cake #4? I think we all found out the hard way that those aren't edible, amirite? Hello? Anyone?
I was unaware that one should celebrate their 4t and 5tff birthday with a scary Princess cake. Good to know.
And for our last cake today, the role of Belle will be played by Fran Drescher.
Why do princesses need a week?
Why does the cookie cake look so... wet?
Well, I am pleased to see someone finally realized that not all princesses should be skinny!
And I have to say, for a portrait on a cookie, they did a good job. Doesn't look like a specific princess but as a 'hey I'm going to ice a human face on a cookie'--good job.
I am disappointed that there was no Princess Leia--or did I just miss it because it was unidentifiable?
Cake #4: is that cake celebrating Amanda's 22rd birthday? Also, Snow White has a five o'clock shadow and looks like an escaped convict in fancy dress.
As for the other cakes, I found most of them frightening, and obviously based on Joan Rivers and Rupert Everett over the years. Am I the only one sad by Rupe's current face?
SaraCVT, I hope you feel better soon.
Roz Chast did that second cake.
Unfortunately, this is the last B-day cake Cassandra is getting; see how it says "happy 4+ birthday"? It's a single birthday cake for her 4th birthday and every birthday thereafter. How sad that it's such a horrible, emotionally scarring cake!
The first Belle looks like Kirstie Alley, the third Belle is from New Jersey.
The lack of commas on the last one has me puzzled: Is it supposed to be wishing a happy 3rd birthday to "Princess Alyssa", or this Alyssa's 3rd "Birthday Princess", because if it's the latter and it took three tries to come up with that, I'd hate to see the first two attempts!
@SaraCVT ~ Medication changes suck! I'm in the process of switching my RA meds and I'm right there with you, not fun at all. While we're here would you mind skooching over a lil'...and passing that bucket? Big hugs to you my friend!
I don't often post on here, though I love laughing at all the crazy cakiness on here. But I just want to say that my two year old son was sitting on my lap while I read this post, and when I got to the last picture of Belle, he said, "Airpane! Airpane!" (Which is how he says airplane.) Sure enough, there's the propeller right in the middle of the cake. Haha!
A million cool points to Heloise for the Stargate reference. :)
Actually, compared to the wrecks I usually see here, these really aren't that bad at all. Most of them do actually resemble what they are supposed to be, and don't resemble inappropriate body parts, serial killers, partly digested aliens, etc...
"I need an old priest and a young priest....the power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!!!"
I think #2 up there might be Lola from Charlie & Lola playing dress up as Cinderella.