Open Mouth, Insert Catastrophic Failure
September 11, 2013 Wreckerators, I've been watching you mutilate a beachy pair of flip-flops for years now. YEARS.
First, you made them extra lumpy:
;)
Then you turned them into a pair of giant amoebas:
;)
Next you went through your "spotted pickles" phase:
;)
... or, depending on your color scheme, maybe diseased kidneys:
;)
Then you really started exploring the studio space:
;)
[Gold-plated diapers not included. I hope.]
But now - NOW - you've gone and outdone yourselves, wreckerators.
I feel I should remind you that THIS is approximately what a pair of flip-flops looks like:
;)
And this... [biting lip]
...THIS is what... !!
No, I can't do it.
I can't even dignify this last wreck with an intro, wreckerators. I'm just going to sit over here with my eyes narrowed and shake my head at you.
That's right: I'M SHAKING MY HEAD IN SHAME.
Because nothing can prepare one...
FOR THE SOLE-CRUSHING
TOE DESTROYERS
... OF DOOOOOOM!
;)
Seriously.
SERIOUSLY.
Shaking my head in shame... FOREVER.
Thanks to Brittany H., Casey, Lisa C., Nathaly W., Rebecca K., & Danielle H. for making us laugh 'til we cry for our future.
Reader Comments (78)
The last one seems to be questioning itself as it looks like a question mark & it's reflection in a mirror. I'm sure it's looking for someplace to hide in dispair
Experimental
Sock Puppet Theatre - so
existentalist.
Are you SURE these are supposed to be flip-flops because that may not have been the intention of the wreckerator at all. Maybe they were asked to make hippie sock puppets, or feminine blow dryers. Or guns. Perhaps they're supposed to be handguns concealed in lovely pink gun cases.
I'm almost certain there's a reasonable explanation for all of the other examples, too, because flip-flops they're not.
The last ones look like the stuffed horses heads on poles that make a hobby horse. With pretty flower bridles. Pretending to be a pair of thongs is so embarrassing that they can't bear to look at each other!
Cannot even understand how that happend.....
Awww!! Those aren't the S-CTDofD (didn't feel up to actually writing it out). They are two adorable, little faceless pink dinosaur heads (and necks) wearing little flowered headbands...SURELY you all can see that! Right? RIGHT?? And NO-you can't have any of what I'm on, because I'm not "on" anything! I'm just "high on life"....or maybe a more appropriate term would be "nuts". But at least ....... Huh. Maybe there's not an "up" side to that. Well, you can't win 'em all! Carry on! =^~.-^=
Sung to "Here Comes Peter Cottontail"
Here comes flippy floppin' fail
Making cake consumers wail
Flippety, lumpity
Life forms dance today
Spotted pickles bring no joy
Failing kidneys just annoy
Adding cowbell won't make
Doom flops okaaaayyyy...
Yep, they all look hideous, but can you imagine how comfy any of these would be to wear?! I can't imagine anything more cushioning than cake for my tired tootsies, and the icing would keep them stuck to your feet, so no need to use the straps. Perfection in footwear, I say!
These cakes are a flop.
Dear Cake Wrecks:
Unlikely as it may be, there is a faint, remote chance that one or two of you may have possibly wondered what we’ve been up to here at Tinker, Toys and Tops. Ironically, today’s post, is very timely, as the firm recently branched out into entertainment contract law, and our first client would be perfect for the bakers of these wrecks, who have obviously flipped their lids and flopped with their cakes. We are proud to announce that we have the exclusive representation rights for: The Cake Whisperer™®©. We’re not horsing around here, doggone it. Cakes don’t have a ghost of a chance against him.
The Cake Whisperer™®© is a man with mythical mysterious magical abilities, who can communicate with cakes. And not only finished cakes, but also with their component parts as well. He can sweet-talk sugar, sift through the complexities of flour, and egg on a reluctant soufflé. When it comes to frosting, a little whisper from him will make butter cream and spread like a dream. He can make cakes fond of fondant.
Some say his power came from a toque while others said it came from a toke, but whatever the source, his work is legendary. He has been summoned by bakers from around the globe.
One baker reported that The Cake Whisperer™®© whispered to a rather flat cake and caused it to double its height. When asked how he did it, he merely replied that he told the cake that it contained sunshine, and everyone knows the sun rises in the yeast. Another baker recounted how The Cake Whisperer ™®© whispered into a bowl of ingredients that refused meld, and suddenly they all came together. The problem, the Whisperer said, involved the butter, which was giving confusing directions. After the Whisperer pointed this out, the butter clarified. And a short order cook queried the Whisperer about some difficulty he was having with his pancakes, usually not thought of as cakes. However the Whisperer gave it a try. Seems like the cook’s ingredients were all feeling a little under the weather. After a few encouraging words from the Whisperer, they were all batter.
I urge – no implore – today’s bakers to contact us immediately before The Cake Whisperer’s ™®© schedule is full.
And, a couple of other up-dates, if I may.
As is usual, our business was a little slow this summer, but we did take on a few interns for the season, so, for a while, our briefs were down and our staff was up.
Also, the firm participated in the county fair again this year. We were the proud sponsors of the Milliners’ Marathon, and our hat’s off to the winner!
The High School Math Club sponsored the Pie Eating contest. The winner, Granny Smith, finished in 3.14159265359 minutes, and said it was Delicious. Her husband, Jonathan, came in second. They had both just returned from a vacation in Fuji, where they attended a Gala. Our own accountant, Pendleton “Pen” Cill, took third place.
And, a new record was set in the dumpling making contest – the winning entry weighed wonton.
Lastly, on a sad note, a little girl lost her iPod at the picnic. We all looked for it, but to no avail. Finally, we had to leave, but just in case it was still around and a little hungry, we put eight bits in a bowl so it could have a byte.
Sincerely,
Mr. Potato, Head Counsel
Tinker, Toys and Tops
Hahahaha Sharyn and Haiku joy :D
@zoomom:
I'll have some of what you're on--I MEAN, I'll have what you're having...! (I don't mean the sticky slippers, either.) =^~.-^=
Dear Tinker, Toys and Tops,
Have you considered cake injury law? I think you'd have a real talent for tortes.
Supercalifrag-
ilisticexpeali-
docious, Haiku Joy!
Flip-Flop (with apologies to Bobby Darin)
Shake, shake, I wanted some cake
Along about a Saturday night, yeah,
Rub a dub, I could use some grub,
Thinkin’ cake would feel kinda right
Well I went out to the bakery,
Put my hand upon the door,,
Wanted to get some cake so
I stepped onto the floor,
And then a flip-flop
I jumped back from the store,
Well, how was I to know
There was a wreck a goin’ on?
There was a flippin’ and a floppin’
Bakin’ and cake makin’
Cake accosting with some frosting,
More flippin’ and a floppin’
Bing bang, the whole baking gang
Didn’t have a flip-flop clue.
Flip-flop, they just couldn’t stop,
Not a one knew just what to do
There was befuddled fave Peggy Sue
Good golly, Miss Molly was even perplexed too,
Well – a flip flop, I forgot about the cake
And went and put my own flip-flops on.
I was a flippin’ and a floppin’
Reelin’ with a funny feelin’
Movin’ and a groovin’
Flippin’ and a floppin’
Lookin’ at the cakes
While my brow I was a moppin’
I looked at the cake on top --
It’s giving me a horrible fright.
Rub a dub, I think it is a flub.
Clearly, nothing here is alright.
The second cake‘s an amoeba,
Are they really green?
I think this wreck is
Nothing short of obscene!
(Flippin’ and a floppin’
While my brow I’m moppin’)
Don’t want a spotted pickle,
Or a kidney with a disease,
These bakin’ wreck-a-rators
Are bringin’ me to my knees.
Yellow God-know-what
(slowly makes eye-rolls)
Footwear for deformed feet –
Paging Dr. Scholls……
And, finally, that last one,
Just what could those things be?
Heaven help us, all, It’s a malformed CCC!
(Flippin’ and a floppin’
While my brow I'm moppin')
Bravo, mel
If you had given the kidney-flops their own post, I never would have guessed what they were meant to be (well, other than kidneys, of course).
Dear Sharyn:
Thank you for your suggestion. We here at TT&T are considering many options, including cake injury law, as you have suggested in your unique, humorous way (which did cause some giggling here amongst the staff, self included). Currently, we represent a group of bread bakers. This is a small group, the upper crust, if you will, a hard working group, with no loafing. (One of them is a somewhat well-known tennis player, a wry fellow, though not seeded. Another comes from a long line of English bakers – in fact, he claims his father was a rolling scone.)
Each time we enhance our practice, however, it does increase our expenses, thus, consequently, we will be deferring cake injury law practice until we have (and I hate to say this) more dough.
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.
Sincerely,
Mr. Potato, Head Counsel
Tinker, Toys and Tops
CCC! Ptooie!
When I grow up I want to work for Mr. Potato, Head Counsel
@mel ~ You're my hero
@Sharyn ~ I must admit, when I saw this post pre-coffee I wasn't sure how you would do it. Outta the park my friend!
@Haiku Joy ~ Sock puppets under sweaty spotlights perhaps? Bhahahahahaha
@ mel - Are you by any chance a Jungle Cruise skipper alumnus like our lovely wrecky leader Jen? You are just far too punny not to have been!
I know, I know!!!! The last cake is for people who have REALLY, REALLY, REALLY bad bunions!
At last---a mate for the Terrible Death Whinnier! (I didn't he was a bigamist, but that fits.)
@sending: Forget whatever you're on, I want some of what MEL'S on!
I think Mel, Sharyn and Haiku Joy need to have their own YouTube show. That's comedy GOLD, y'all!
All I could think about was how those last ...things....could still be hung from Jen's flip flop hangers.
Ummmm....
I'm going to choose to believe that the last cake is actually for "Grammar Appreciation Day" and is actually an opening and closing single quote. The alternative is just...(shudder)...I can't...ummm...wait...
Denial, it's not just a river in Egypt!
...I thought the last ones were super cute girly boxing gloves.... because, you know, if you make them pink and add some flower power to them, maybe the punch will cause you to see rainbows!
Excuse me: I didn't *know* he was a bigamist, but that fits.
iPhones are fiddly things, particularly when one is trying to help one's offspring get ready for school as well.
Bwah!! This post made me laugh out loud at work and now my coworkers think I'm going insane. SO worth it though!
blink... blink... are those sock puppets?? who'd make a sock puppet "cake!??" seriously I... what's that? those are flip flops? blink... blink blink... WHO'D MAKE A SOCK PUPPET CAKE??? and for what occasion? seriously....
That last one looks like the decorator is missing candy canes and winter.
I thought the first cakes were a very cute depiction of pink, four-eyed aliens wearing flower necklaces. That's what they were supposed to be, right?
The yellow ones with the hair bows are kinda cute in a weird sort of way. The last ones seem to be looking at each other. One is probably saying WTF to the other.
@mel: You are on a roll today. Your posts were s-wheat. ; )
Those aren't diapers. You are looking at the silhouettes of a couple of rubber-duckie-ninjas from the Hidden Star Fish Village.
Whatever those last-cake-things are, I don't want them anywhere NEAR my feet. Or my plate.
To Sharyn, mel, Haiku Joy and others who have contributed such wondeful puns today: your humir and wit have been so successful that I have nearly snorted Subway sandwich through my nose, several times. When will I ever learn not to eat or drink while reading this blog?
The first "spotted pickles" look like prickly pear paddles.
@mel - Giggles and fits over here! You truly have a gift and I thank you for sharing!
I think the last flops are ashamed to be a CCC and are trying to hide.
I've lurked on here for a long time..but today, today is the day I say, "I just LOVE you." I actually heard the spoken words, toe-destroyers of dooooom!! in my head. Nice.
OK, seriously had to do the head tilt with the last photo. Is that really someone's idea of a pair of flip flops? Wow! I'm especially concerned considering I was just offered a job in the bakery of a grocery store that is being built in my area. Hopefully, I can keep our bakery out of the M-F section of your lovely blog. Thanks for the laughs and inspiration!
I guess these would work if you were into Chinese foot binding maybe???
O..M..G...I can't count the number of times I snaughed...( snort-laughed), first at the cake wrecks, THEN at the comments..
The legal counsel for the bread bakers sound like a great group, no heels in them at all no matter how you slice it! I think we should all TOAST to them.
All I can honestly say is "OH MY!"
I'm relieved they're supposed to be flip-flops. I was afraid it was for an OB/GYN clinic.
The Cruel Shoes
By Steve Martin
Anna knew She had to have a new pair of shoes today, and Carlo had helped her try on every pair in the store. Carlo spoke wearily, "Well, that's it. That’s every pair of shoes in the place."
"Oh, you must have one more pair. . . .”
"No, not one more . . . . Well, we have the cruel shoes, but no one would want to try . . .
“Yes, let me see the cruel shoes!"
"No, you don't understand, you see, the cruel shoes are . . .'
"Get them!"
Carlo disappeared into the back room for a moment, and then reappeared carrying an ordinary shoebox. He took off the lid and removed a hideous pair of black and white pumps. But this was not an ordinary pair of black and white pumps; both were left feet, one had a right angle turn with separate compartments that pointed the toes in impossible directions. The other shoe was six inches long and was curved inward like a rocking chair with a vise and razor blades to hold the foot in place.
Carlo spoke hesitantly, ". . . Now you see . . . they' re not fit for humans . . ." "Put them on me."
"But... "Put them on me!"
Carlo knew all arguments were useless. He knelt down before her and forced the feet into the shoes.
The screams were incredible.
Anna crawled over to the mirror and held her bloody feet up where she could see.
"I like them."
She paid Carlo and crawled out of the store into the street.
Later that day, Carlo was overheard saying to a new customer, "Well, that's it. That’s every pair of shoes in the place. Unless, of course, you'd like to try the cruel shoes."
That last one just made me saw...awwww poor things! Poor bakers! ALAS HUMANITY! Take note.
Plus @Sharyn oh my perfect
They're obviously summer-themed candy canes. Gosh.
are you sure those aren't non-traditional candy canes??
are you sure those aren't non-traditional candy canes??
Yup, sock puppets. OBVIOUSLY.
You know . . . the kind you wear on your feet to the beach.
If your feet are so grossly misshapen that you want to cover them with socks.
@zoomom:
Heck, make way--I want what mel's on, too!! Sorry, zoo's, but mel's got some gooood stuff, by the sound of things...!!
=^~.~^=
ET and his girlfriend.