A Cake Wrecks Correspondence
April 25, 2013 "A Typical Day Of John Checking E-Mail"
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Dear [REDACTED],
Thank you for choosing Cake Wrecks for such an important occasion! I'd be delighted to offer you a quote, but first let me show you a few of our most popular Sesame Street cakes, so you can pick out your favorite.
(Please note that for copyright reasons we can't actually call these Sesame Street characters, but I'm sure our versions will look VERY familiar. ;))
"Huge Bird"
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"Oreo Monster"
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"Trash Head"
aka "Mr. Can-'Do"
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And "Petrified Elro"
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Or for a little extra, you can get all four characters together!
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[plastic faces not included]
We also have some new "Bieber-licious" character cookies your son is sure to love:
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Prices vary depending on the cake's size, flavor, and age, so just let us know how many people you'd like to feed and how picky you are about "freshness." Delivery is free within a twenty mile radius, but keep in mind our delivery guy moonlights as a mobile pet groomer, so there's always a SLIGHT chance of pet hair - but really, that almost never happens. (Which reminds me: Billy gives our customers a 15% discount! Just FYI.)
Let me know which cake you'd prefer, and thanks again for choosing Cake Wrecks!
- john (the hubby of Jen)
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Thanks to Todd T, Julie B., David & Debbie B., Jennifer G., Anony M., & Cynthia for actually making it through our contact page without thinking we make all these cakes ourselves.
Reader Comments (90)
i just love you.
Yeah, but you'd make one for me, right?
hahahahahahahahaa Oh God, I'm going to burst something. This is me! Everyday! I work for a gaming website and you would not believe the number of people who think we either make the game itself (we don't) and want us to change something or that we can hook them up with a free copy (we can't) or tell them where to download a pirated copy (uh, no). Oh the many gleefully sarcastic emails I've had to delete without sending.
You just know that by the time they took the lid off of Oreo Monster, the cookie part of the Oreo was all stale and nasty, and the sugar slab part had started to melt and take on the colors of the surrounding frosting. Bleurgh.
Cake Wrecks pulls a Dallas and eliminates and entire post via dream sequence. Nice.
What!? you don't make all these cakes yourself?? I'm appalled* the you would mislead everyone** like that!!!
*amused
**one person
Sung to "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean"
Our Johnny got an evil notion
When dealing with mail lunacy
But rather than cause a commotion
He answered the e-mail nicely
Huge Bird's on crack
Oreo Monster scares me, scares me
Can-'Do talks smack
Elro's not moving, Mommy!
All four are flat
Add plastic for a small fee, small fee
Bieber Attack
God, that kid terrifies me.
I wonder if she sent another e-mail to "Train Wrecks" to help plan her vacation.
Who is the stick-figure artist? There is so much meaning communicated through so few lines. As enjoyable as the cakes themselves. Bravo! :)
So, this is what John(the hubby of Jen) looks like. I think he could use a little more cake.
What I really love here is the fact that not only would someone think you made the cakes yourselves, but also flip through the pictures and think, "Yes, this is the person I want to make a cake for me! I myself am celebrating Falker Satherhood!!"
Oh, and on that first cake, what birthday is this for John? 2 McR?
Wow...Wonder Woman....just....wow.
If I ever have a girar birthday, I hope that someone gets a Sesame Street cake for me, too. Oreo Monster will be perfect.
Oh my god it looks like Bieber is one of those chest bursting aliens! Like the cookies were all just laying there thinking how happy they were going to make some kid when WHAM! Bieber through the chest. I bet they had just asked for some tea too.
No cookie is safe now. We have to go after the nest. The Bieber nest.
Okay, so I'm not getting a cake, but I have several other questions:
What's a girar birthday?
Do you think [REDACTED] is reading this RIGHT NOW???
Does anyone else think Wonder Woman looks fabulous with a few extra pounds?
I agree with Fran_kly: John needs to start eating more of the cake. And he needs to figure out how to take some of that mustache and turn it into eyebrows.
Why did his mustache disappear when he had to write the "real" email? Does it drop when the sarcasm drops?
Poor Huge Bird looks like he was pooped out, then decorated. No wonder he has such a crabby look on his face!
[Editor's note- Actually, what looks like a mustache is really my hands in front of my face. It's how I computer. :) -john]
I could make so, so, so many dirty jokes about that Wonder Woman cookie.
I'll just call her "Wonder Bra" and leave it at that, for all our sakes.
Still sputtering coffee and smiling. My morning is starting wonderfully now! Lol
*cue deluge of cake request e-mails*
My first thought: Wow. There are people out there stupider than the Wreckerators?
My second thought: Duh! Who do you think buys their products!??
Girar? The email itself is a wreck.
How wrong is it that I LOVE the Wonder Woman cookie???? It totally reminds me of the often circulated "Wonder Woman Today" picture (of which if I could figure out how to do that for Halloween, I totally would!).
I have tried and failed to figure out what a "girar" birthday is. Run it through a wreckerator and I bet it would come out comprehensible. Reverse inanity.
I'm amused that people see the awful cakes you post on this blog and then actually want to *order* one.
So glad I'm not the only one who's primary thought about today's post was "WOW, look at the bazooms on Wonder Woman!" Eating that cookie would be oh so weird. And who is just above her, Jasmine?
FWIW, that's Spanish for "gyrate." Guess the boy twists and shouts on his birthday.
Aaugh, Bieber is a Xenomorph! On the plus side, he killed Elmo. Or Elro.
lol....love it! I wonder if those "Bieber-licious" cookies were made for his prenatal baby shower....
Perhaps you should forward that email to Your Grammar Sucks (YGS for short) on youtube. In fact, most of the wrecks here also qualify. I bet Jack enjoys cake.
(My fav is the YGS #35 rap. Awesome grammar fails set to music.)
John, please come to the UK so I can buy you a pint. We can swap tales from the inbox.
I love you guys, too.
My goodness, Ms. Prince... You've... Ummm... Been eating well, haven't you!??!? O_O
Justin Bieber actually being a Xenomorph Does explain a few things, I must admit.
I, for another, was wondering what a "girar birthday" is and whether or not I've had one. If not, I'll pass on the Huge Bird cake; he looks so angry that we're lucky they tied his legs down. Poor Trash-Head looks like a confuzzled green sun hanging out in front of a blue fence.
I did, however, recognize John's hands as hands because that's how almost everyone in my house computers when they're not mousing.
Thanks for the clarification on the 'mustache'.. I was wondering about that too. :)
As far as the girar cake.. is that the kid's name? Girar?? Poor kid..
I'm sorry-I'm a lurker who loves looking at the wrecks--but I couldn't help but comment on this one...WHO WOULD ORDER A CAKE FROM A PLACE CALLED "CAKE WRECKS"...wouldn't they expect the product to look a little...terrible? Made my morning though!
There's something kind of intriguing about the square characters -- kind of a minimalist vibe to it. It's weird, but I like it!
Bwahahahaha:D
Yeah, I can only imagine that they look at the blog on a Sunday and never scroll to the previous post. I can't imagine looking on any other day and legitimately wanting what they must think we're offering.
That is, "you're", not "we're".
Heh, guess those drawings threw me into Spamuser mode, as I actually am a contributor of things other than comments there.
Girar birthday? My son's giraffe? Gerbil? Actually, looking at my keyboard I think it is supposed to be 'first' - disappointing, I quite liked the idea of the pet giraffe.
Fu Manchu moustache:
The most necessary tool
for dealing with dumb.
*headdesk*
Oh, John, you should have sent that first email, just to see if (s)he was stupid enough to go ahead and order one...
But then, I am evil, and you are clearly much nicer than I!
I haven't shared a horror story in a while, and they're coming in thick and fast. This email reminded me of a gem this week:
u r a woonderful techr and saturn isst goin get me done. <-- actual email text this week. As you can see, Satan isn't going to get her down. I would have said she was a victim of autocorrect, but that would require believing she used autocorrect.
Happy preffosionanal girar faulkersatherhood, Oreo Beast!
Spam, perhaps? Cake Central has a bunch of threads about quotes via email that turn out to be a scam. Usually poor spelling/grammer flags it.
Awwww! I was hoping we'd get to see the reaction email from John(thoJ)'s response. That would be *almost* as good as seeing Haiku Joy's students' faces as she noms on tiny babies.
#1: It is important when writing to actually connect the lines that make up the individual letters. Otherwise, '2nd' becomes '2ncl' and 'Birthday' becomes 'Birtlxlay'. It's almost, but not quite, exactly unlike Nahuatl.
#2: Actually, I think, as Oreo is a trademarked name, that would be the Creme-Filled-Chocolate-Wafer-Sandwich Monster, no?
#3: It's a green Tribble.
#4: Usually, it's the eyes that terrify me with these cakes. Today, it is Elro's mouth. It's like a Slime Devil...
#5: Cassandra Street?
#6: Why would you do that? No, really. I'd like to know.
The comic frames were awesome. Great job.
Also, @John(thoJ), I'd just like to say I enjoyed your use of 'computer' as a verb. That is all.
Petrified Elro kinda scares me. o.O
True story... When I was little my hometown of 100 people decided to host a Mardi Gras. Sadly, there were no King Cakes involved. :-( Anyway, my dad wanted a costume and happened to see a Sesame Street book I had and took it to my mom and told her to make him a Big Bird costume. Well, mom wasn't THAT good of a seamstress so his costume looked suspiciously like Huge Bird...but we called him Super Chicken. :-)
@Just Andrea - Cassandra Street! LOL! But seriously, don't moisturize them.
Please please please please tell me I'm not the only one that saw [REDACTED] and thought "Oh my gosh, someone's a fan of The SPC Foundation...! GO 682!!
These cakes are all Keter Class and need to be safely contained!!
Love the cartoon! And in reference to the last "Bieber-licious" photo, I, as a proud Canadian, feel that we as a nation really need to apologize to the world for "The Beebs". And Celine Dion. And the Petrified Elro cake scares me (so does Celine Dion).
I actually liked the four square cake!
I think a "girar" birthday is meant to be themed around 80's one-hit-wonder Gerardo. I'm sure you can hire him for a guest appearance.
In the cookie array, please tell me what happened to Wonder Woman? She's gotta get outta that invisible plane and get back to the gym!