Breaking Up is Heart To Do
February 9, 2012 Don't you hate it when Valentines Day rolls around and you're still stuck with that person you kept meaning to break up with, but then they made you a sandwich and you forgot?
So now you have to get that person a Valentines cake, but you don't want to go overboard with the whole mushy sentiment or effort or anything?
Well, never fear, callous jerks! The bakeries of America are here to help.
Of course, there's always the obvious way:
;)
...but suppose you want something a little more subtle to break things off?
Not to worry; you have options.
For the biology major:
;)
"Rrrrrippit! Rrrrip out your heart and throw it against the wall! And then rearrange your intestines into a LARGER heart so I can trample THAT, too!"
Or, for a message with a little more meat to it:
;)
There's a "steak through the heart" joke in here somewhere, I just know it.
How about a little poetry?
;)
Field of excrement
Surrounding a shattered heart:
Evidence crack kills
Now, I know what you're thinking:
;)
That's just offal.
Here's a cake that really says, "Your love turns me upside down!"
;)
That, or "You're an ass!"
One of the two, anyway.
Guess which one I'm going with.
And speaking of "buttering" her up, fellas, have you considered the new "rear view" pendant that's all the rage this year?
;)
Why, you cheeky little devil, you.
Thanks to Sarah H., Caitlin F., Madlyn D., Terri G., Heidi K., & Marc S. for the heart to heart.
Reader Comments (101)
We call that necklace the "butt and boobs" pendant at our house. Sorry Jane.
I just had a flash back to the "Underalls" commercials with the little derrier that would rock back and forth at the end of the ad. Why do things like that stay in our brains? Aghhh.
That necklace drives me nuts... every time I see one it morphs from butts to a snake to a flamingo. Thank you for that, Jane Seymore (butts).
The cakes are not worth commenting.
And I am seriously disturbed at the meat.
I stared at the meat "heart" a while, thinking "Wow, that's a really good depiction of meat...it's looks real!" Then I realized that it *was* real. Ugh. Not very appetizing.
The black frosting really helps convey the mood on the first cake.
I reaaaaaaaaally hope they did not make that Valentine's cake at Christmas with the intentions of storing it until VDay. . . but I would not be surprised.
Necklace looks like a knockoff of the popular Jane Seymore Open Hearts necklace. I've seen it around for a couple years now.
Ah, inverted hearts for Valentine's Day -- when you want to tell that special someone "I love you from the heart of my bottom."
I always thought that the "open heart" design looked off. Thanks for confirming that for me!
HAHAHAHA! My husband and I always said those necklaces looked like double sacks. I thought we were the only ones that laughed every time some woman draped them around her neck in the commercial.
Why yes, dissected frogs are VERY "traditional" for Valentine's Day, just like the sticker says! Hallmark has a whole line of cards depicting them, don't they?
And why bother to do to all the trouble of a heart-shaped steak? Just cook beef heart instead. Oh so romantic, organ meat.
Let me just state up front that am glad to be single, especially during this time of year because if I had a significant other that gave me ANY of these cakes, I would weep openly...before flipping out and turning that person into a version of that "frog". Seriously, cake should not be used for evil means and I think that upside down cake is as bad as when I see team logos (like the Longhorns, sorry, just the most common!) on vehicles upside down and we ALL know what they're trying to say! I'm sure the cakes are yummy but the bakers are evil incarnate.
lol! Its not just me who thinks that ridiculous design looks like a pair of butts rubbing up against each other!
Spec-tonk-ular, as per usual, but you missed the word "go" in "but you don't want to overboard." Wreck on!
I apologize for this, but it just wouldn't leave my head. (And I really apologize to the J. Geils Band.)
You love her
But she loves cake.
Your cake might be something else
Like guts or steak.
It’s always gross
To see a frog’s insides
And when it’s for love
It’ll make you cry.
With all the poop
And the cake bums I think
One things for sure
Love stinks! (Yeah, yeah)
Thus said Queen of Hearts:
"Raw meat slabs the knave bring'st us?
Offal with his head!"
We, too, have been calling that the "BOOBS AND BUTTS COLLECTION" at our house for years!
Everytime we see that necklace in our house, we exclaim - "It's gay Zoro!!"
At first, I thought the steak was a cake decorated quite well in a "realistic heart" motif. Certainly not appropriate for all tastes, but possibly appealing to people with a quirky sense of humour and a taste for realism/accuracy.
As it is, though... reminds me of a few years ago when a friend threw an anti-Valentines party for those of us who were single and grumpy about it. The party theme was to bring something romantic to the party and destroy it there. Paper things and dried roses thrown into the fireplace, candy hearts smashed up and baked into desserts, that kind of thing. Broiling and eating that "heart" would have fit right in.
Thank you. I have always thought the same about Jane's jewelry design.
I am disturbed that the meat heart is produced in USA, Canada AND Mexico. That cow must have had a passport full of stamps. And I like the X-mas tablecloth with the ass-valentine cake. Make up your mind - which holiday is it!!
How is that Ribeye a product of the US, Canada and Mexico?? Did the cow move around a lot?
I don't know about anyone else, but I would love a heart-shaped steak on V-day :)
The jewelry! Yes! I have thought the same thing ever since she first came out with that design. I have threatened divorce if my husband ever brings home the Butt Necklace.
Boston, they didn't title a movie Zorro: The Gay Blade for nothing!
Maybe I'm a b*tch but I'd be sooooo p*ssed if the hubs gave me one of those stupid necklaces for any occasion :P to say nothing of those nastyass ( get it?) cakes.
THANK YOU for commenting on the crazy "open hearts" design. I've always thought it looked like a snake that has been run over. Also, I had some issues with my dislexic brain convincing me it was a fancy "S", which only made me see a snake more. From now on, thanks to you, it will be the "boobs and butt" necklace to me.
I'm glad I'm not the only one...I told my family that all I see is boobs and butt when I see that necklace!!!
Heh. If you look up "Why do Valentine's hearts look like that?", one popular answer is that they actually represent the posterior. Or the dangly bits often seen hanging from trailer hitches.
I hope that first cake is available year-round. It would be appropriate on so many occasions. "Johnson, come into my office. I'm afraid I have some bad news...and a cake."
Not gonna lie...I would really like that steak for dinner tonight. :)
Love the haiku for the the cracked heart cake. I laughed so hard my dog woke up and looked at me, with his head cocked sideways, as if to say "WTF?!"
As for the meat heart being a product of USA, Canada, and Mexico... maybe it contains cuts form several different cows, and "meat glue" was used to form that lovely steak...
Industry-Wide Use of Meat Glue Sticks Together Scraps of Meat To Sell You Prime Cuts
I'm chiming in with the rest. So glad I'm not the only one who saw a big ol' butt in that necklace. Until Cake Wrecks, I had no idea so many other people felt the same way!
However, my husband would be thrilled if I brought home a giant, heart-shaped steak for him for Valentine's Day. And, sadly, he wouldn't question its world-trotting tendencies.
I agree with She-She -- heart-shaped steak (ESPECIALLY rib eye!) is a win.
Also, it's the frog cake that's offal -- offal is butchery waste, like intestines and such.
Bahahaha crackkills XD
Oh, thank you, fellow Cake Wrecks fans... Here I've been thinking I was the only one who saw the "boobs and butt" in Jane's design!!!! I, too, have threatened the DH if he buys me that necklace! Just a nice, ordinary heart-shape will be fine, thanks. Doesn't even have to be diamond-studded.
And may I assume that the upside-down heart was done (quite beautifully, really) by someone who has never, ever, observed Valentine's Day, nor seen a traditional celebratory box o' chocolates? Sheesh.
Now I think if it, maybe the cake was designed by Jane?
THANK YOU for commenting on that necklace. I have always hated it- all I ever see is a big ol' butt! You've made my day by ensuring I am not alone in this belief!!
XD! The Cracked Heart cake!!!! XD!!! that is soooooooooo ironic!!!!!
If i ever have a boyfriend i need to break up with, i will be sure to get him the Broken Heart Surrounded By Turds cake!!!
Boston's comment for the win! I always thought it looked like a swan with a broken neck.
Oh yeah, the cakes. C'est terrible. The upside-down heart confuses me. Someone went to a lot of trouble to make that frosting so beautifully smooth, even on the sides and then wrote on it upside-down? Sometimes I picture these wreckerators working really hard and being really careful with all the lettering and spelling that they lose track of the big picture and that's how letters get missed or cakes get frosted upside-down.
@Julie: Of course dissected frogs are traditional for Valentine's Day! My college glee club was delivering singing valentines (I know, I know), one of which was in a biology lab. Professor walked right in front of us carrying this ENORMOUS dead frog by the back flippers. We tried, but we couldn't make it through the song before we all dissolved in giggles.
I, too, was initially impressed with the meat "cake" and then disturbed when I realized the beef was a product of 3 different countries. Scary.
That's really a piece of meat in that cake box, isn't it?
Was it in the bakery section, or the meat department?
Or on the Epcot aisle?
Amanda sez:
"How is that Ribeye a product of the US, Canada and Mexico?? Did the cow move around a lot?"
Welcome to the sisterhood of the traveling meat. <3
Bride with no taste or budget update
Bing (!bing!) has a little slideshow of memorable nuptials today and the bride with no taste or budget is in there. They claim the cake was an exact replica, but we all remember the red ric rack. Apparently, there was supposed to be a groom cake as well.
http://specials.msn.com/a-list/lifestyle/unique-love-stories-ss?imageindex=13&cp-searchtext=Vows%20renewed%20with%20life-size%20bride%20cake
1. I’m lying. It’s really those crappy cakes you keep bringing home.
2. Instead of that “Flamingo looking at its reflection in the water” pendant everybody’s getting, I thought we’d go with the more traditional “Disemboweled Frog” cake this Valentine’s Day.
3. It’s not you, it’s meat.
4. Since you broke my heart, all I can do is sit among these lava rocks and whimper.
5. I’m so in love, my cupcakes runneth over.
6. It’s snowing so hard the Ace of Spades is covered with white.
7. No, forget the frog and the meat—my true feelings about you are best expressed by this “Four Buttocks” design.
I thought I was the only one thinking Jane Seymour's open heart necklace looked like a butt. Glad to know other minds are in the gutter with me. lol
#1 I didn't know George Costanza worked in a bakery. I thought he was a marine biologist.
#2 'Traditional'? Do I want to know what tradition is being 'honored' here? (Probably not, but I thought I'd ask.)
#3 Captain Beef Heart. Not a cake, but I like it -- medium well. @Jewlz, that's NAFTA beef you're looking at. I've always thought the fewer miles between 'moo' and 'Mmmm' the better, but then I'm not a politician.
#4 Ick. The Cynical Bakery always ramps up business this time of year.
#5 Speaking of same, I am simply underwhelmed by the milliseconds of effort that must have gone into this. The fact of it being a CCC is actually redundant.
#6 I know Valentine's day happens in winter, but the stark juxtaposition here doesn't send a strong 'freshness' vibe.
#7 What better way to capture the tender sentiment, 'my eyes are up here'. Or not.
ohhhhhh, Publix.. I <3 you so much... so much that I let you pay my bills by giving you 40hrs of my time a week... but REALLY!?!? A heart shaped steak?!?! Not a win in my book. Just weird...
And thank you for voicing what so many others, myself included, have thought about that stupid heart necklace.. boobs and butt... period.. no hearts anywhere.
EVERY time I see an "open hearts" commercial with Jane Seymour, I always call it the "big butt necklace", and I make my husband swear he will never get me one, which makes him laugh because he thinks they look awful anyway! So glad I am not alone in seeing it that way... :)
When I lived in Australia, there was a saying, "one bum wide, two bums high". That's what I always think of when I see the "Open Heart" necklace commercials!
When I lived in Australia, there was a saying, "one bum wide, two bums high". That's what I always think of when I see the "Open Heart" necklace commercials!
If only I had a boyfriend I hated. . . I have an ex I still like! Wait, that won't work. . .
Today's post was 1-hilarious (as per usual), and 2-the comments are like a fresh dose of therapy. I'm not alone. I'm so glad that so many other people see the 2 butts in that pendant. It drives me completely nuts every time I see one of the commercials, and then I start yelling about butts, and then my family looks at me like I'm crazy.