Have a "Heart"
February 13, 2012 To top that oh-so-sweet Valentine I wrote you yesterday, I've decided that today I shall serenade you. Yep. Full-on karaoke style, bebeh.
And since you can't actually hear me, it's your choice whether I sound like Celine Dion or non-auto-tuned Trololo guy for this song. I say go with your gut. Or whichever offends your eardrums more.
Ready?
To the tune of "My Heart Will Go On." (Sorry.)
[hem hem hem]
[stretching out on baby grand piano]
Every sight brings more screams,
;)
I see you, I feeeear you.
That is how I know you...wreck on.
[squinting sexily]
Far from being mere chance,
That face is so squeeeemish!
;)
You have come to show you...wreck on.
[rolling onto belly]
Guts? Scars? What-EV-er you are!
;)
I can see that the dog did "GO" ON.
[duckface]
Once... more... you're DROPPED to the floor!
;)
And you're back to the start 'cuz...
Your "art" will wreck on and on!
;)
[dramatic swelling]
[plus the music gets louder]
;)
Yooooou're HEEEERE!
You're DRINKing a BEER!
And I KNOW that this heart is... all wroo-oong:
;)
[ripping off Snuggie to reveal white Elvis jumpsuit]
Some SAY... "all plastic? NO WAY!"
;)
But the flotsam's a start and
Your cheesecakes are saaaadly all gone!
[Big finish involving sparklers, a bucket of glitter, & a live platypus]
[make that a stuffed platypus]
[and nix the sparklers]
[Ok, so basically it's a stuffed platypus dunked in glitter.]
Thanks to wreckporters Chris H., Emily S., Sarah R., Kristina S., Sarah S., Larissa F., Venieca, & Marisa L. for helping me realize that every pre-schooler who can successfully draw a heart is a frickin' genius.
Reader Comments (79)
Live or stuffed, I would pay to see that big finish.
I thank my lucky stars that I have NO idea of what the original song was so no ear worm, but I long for the grand finale of glitter, sparklers and platypus. That would certainly brighten the day- (it's snowing here)-the cakes depicted, not so much.
I had to go back and look at the "cakes" because all of my brain cells were occupied with the show in my head : Jen in an Elvis jumpsuit, wrapped in a snuggy singing this most wonderful song ( I left in the sparklers, I hope you don't mind.) Then I went back and played the song in my head again, because it was that moving.
BTW-you sounded just like Celine Dione. Just beautiful...
[plus the music gets louder] <-- best part. :-)
I read that post to the tune of the song, and I'm still laughing at this. Great wrecks and writing as usual Jen!
Can we get someone singing this one please? :)
Ohhhh Myyyy!!! That was great! ::holding up lighter::
Brava!!!! What a Titanic success (in that it gave me a sinking feeling...)
"Dramatic swelling...plus the music gets louder." BWAHAHAHAHA!
I've heard people say "I was stunned speechless", but apparently I never knew exactly what that meant until this moment.
"Dramatic swelling...plus the music gets louder." Literally LOL'd. Almost makes up for the earworm...
Awesome. When will the video be on YouTube? :)
I had to have Celine sing the song in the background with you. You are AWESOME!! Would pay to see the live show. :)
Roses – red, violets – blue,
I’ve never seen such wrecks as you.
#1: pretty pink, and a hellish scream,
You belong in Freddy Kruger’s dream,
#2: you wanna kiss us
With that long black leaky proboscis?
#3: you’ll never do,
Who wants a treat with plops of poo?
And a swirl of intestines on the top?
Will this nightmare ever stop?
#4: peace and love – can’t argue there,
But why’s it floating on pink air?
#5: a heart and leaf?
As Peanuts fans would say, “Good grief!”
#6: you look like two feet…
(And please don’t stop to smell the roses
‘cause I bet they smell like toes-es),
#7: you’re quite the mess,
What you are I cannot guess,
It just looks so very painful…
(Baker: I hope your next job is very gainful).
And #8: tiny little bits of plastic –
You may think you look fantastic,
You’ll brighten up ol’ Val’tine’s Day
With your choking hazards on display.
What’s that sound, that real loud vrooooom…?
Mom taking junior to the emergency room.
i sang it in my head, and you sounded JUST like celine! rock on!
"i'll never let you go jack!" (well, not until i get too cold and drop your hand like a bad habit)
Immaculately done, and thanks for the ear-worm! However, all I can think about is how thick those dollops of chocolate poo-frosting are on those cupcakes - are they serious? Nothing says Happy Valentine's Day like an incipient heart attack.......
I just want to know where you found a glittery stuffed platypus.
Hey, where's Perry?
What a shame. The roses on the red-rimmed CCC were lovely. This parallels my other favorite site, Ugliest Tattoos, where the best execution is always on the worst idea.
Hahahahaha! Love it! Thank you for the laughs on this dreary Monday morning. My favorite has to be the glittered platypus. :o) Oh, and the guts and scars. And (insert rest of post here).
So our local Philharmonic Ochestra did a tribute to Broadway Divas on Friday night, complete with a couple of real live Broadway stars. And since we're in Canada, no diva show is complete without Celine, so they did My Heart Will Go On, and for a few minutes I was 17 again, bawling my eyes out over Titanic. And then I managed to shake the earworm early Sunday morning.
Did I say I managed to shake the earworm? Thank you very much, Jen. :P
For little polite Canadian teasing of our dear Celine, check out the Arrogant Worms:
http://www.arrogantworms.com/music/celine-dion/
BRAVA!! BRAVA!! clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap...
WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!!
Wow. I never knew that about platypus...es. (Platypi?)
It took me about three times as long to read this post than normal because I couldn't help but sing along in my head . . . darn you, Jen. I don't suppose we could get this on iTunes, could we? You sounded so beautiful!
Except for the screaming Mr. Bill heart, #1 is actually kinda pretty.
#3 - who knew Super Poligrip works as a cupcake topping?
...the only thing missing from your Celine performance is the obligatory chest-beating at the high notes.
I wish I'd known you had a snuggie on from the beginning 'cuz I had a whole nother mental image going on in my head. LOL
I found instructions on how to make a Glitter Platypus :)
You know, I think I actually like this version of the song better. :P
Glittery Stuffed Platypus for the WIN!
Thanks Jen! I was in a totally Pi$$y mood, and your humor totally brought me back up again!
Thanks!!!!
Um... Well... On the plus side, it's good to know at least one wreckerator is thinking ahead and gearing up to crank out dozens of "Shamrock Poop" cupcakes for St. Patrick's day, which is, after all, but a month and a couple days away.
You know, I think I actually like this version of the song better. :P
Dramatic swelling
needs baseball bat, spotlight hog,
and lots of kinin.
Oh my gosh! That was hilarious!
I agree with the others - best line: "Dramatic swelling...plus the music gets louder."
You topped yourself with that one, Jen!
DUCKFACE FTW!!!
I have a stuffed, pre-glitterified (is that a word?) Perry the Platypus that you can totally have for your big finish. Ah, the joy of prepubescent girls who think they are more artistically talented than they are... (But then I'd guess you know all about that, huh, Jen? At least my daughters have the excuse that their brains are fully grown yet. What's the wreckerators' excuse?)
You sounded JUST like Celine, and it actually took me a moment to realize that at the end of the post, I'd forgotten to look at the pictures! Your commentary was that good!
Ok I can't belive I'm correcting you... and you may have done this on purpose but Celine's last name is Dion... not Dione! :)
Wonder if you could have posted an audio clip of you singing ... like an interactive post!!
Ok, ok, so cupcakes are traditionally round but if that shape is too hard with which to make other designs couldn't one try to make square or maybe triangular cupcakes?
If the concern is that everyone gets the same size piece maybe one could use a special cutter to pre-cut a cake into even sized pieces before decorating it. I mean you can get special brownie pans at an "As seen on TV" shop, so the technology is there.
On the other hand, maybe someday, someone will create a cupcake cake that will turn out to be the molecular model that will lead to the cure for some horrible disease. Perhaps it's best to carry on with tradition.
The gift of laughter -- being able to bring it out of others, especially -- is priceless. Jen's muse never left, it just took a vacation, as it does from time to time with all artists. So let's not hear any more of this 'shutting down' stuff, m'kay?
#3, 4, 7, 8: Oh look -- they found another use for that stuff that a certain hamburger chain recently 'stopped' adding to the meat-like substance that has made them (in)famous (type 'pink slime' in your favorite search engine for way too much additional information).
The true irony of #7 and 8 is that they are flotsamized with multiple examples of the correct shape.
Omg I can so hear that. Hilarious!
*slow clap* That might be my favorite post ever.
#6- you know the one that's supposed to look like a heart but looks more like Fred Flinstone's feet? Well at first glance it looks like the Wreckerator spent a lot of time and effort creating beautiful roses after completely failing on the cake, but I think if you look a little closer you'll find that those are cheep fake flowers with plastic stems from the craft section of Wal-mart. Anyone agree with me?
OMG this took me so long to read cause I had to sing it in my head, and you sounded great Jen.
I must point out that the CCC with the roses on the upper left is not bad. It's unusually symmetrical, and I could see someone piping "Happy Valintine Day" or "Bee Mine" or "Im You'res" on it.
Were 1 and 6 left over from yesterday? They are so pretty!!!
I wonder if Celine is a wreckie-fan? Maybe she'd do a rendition...
So i forgot the song. I went to another tab, got it on you tube & went back to this wreck & read as Celine sang....not only did the cheese factor hit an all time high but I was SO proud of myself! And the add ons of duck face & sexy squints made this exceptionally exceptional.
@drgns4vr, count your blessings. It would be heavenly not to know the original My Heart Will Go On song. Trust me on this-- Jen's version is much, much better than the original.
I can officially say that I no longer hate this song. Because every time I hear it from now on I will be hearing this version, and copious laughter will ensue. Thank you, Jen. Thank you.
/bow
Also, the sparklers are the best part!
Celin all the way! Awesomely funny! Thank you for another good belly laugh.