Resolution Delusions
December 28, 2012 2012 is winding down, my friends, so it's time to start brainstorming all the resolutions we're going to commit to, post proudly on Facebook, and then quietly renege on by Valentines'. To not do so would be positively UNAMERICAN, so let's get started!
Just remember: The ol' "better diet and more exercise" routine is BO-RING. Nobody cares if you ever fit into your college jeans again, mkay? So why not give us something with a little more zip? A little more pizazz? A little more "yahoo and how?"
You know, like:
- Better bowel habits.
Or drinking less booze. Really, this cake works for both.
- Become a vegetarian
That's always a hip, happening kind of choice - unlike using the words "hip" and/or "happening." And if you need a little incentive:
Thaaaat oughta do it.
(The baker sent this to me herself, btw, so don't think I'm being mean by leaving that watermark on. And yes, it's SUPPOSED to be bloody fried chicken. So speaking as someone who really likes fried chicken, I'd like to wish a pox on the house of Jen's Just Desserts - while fully realizing the overwhelming irony of the name.)
For a more intellectual New Year's goal, how about:
- Go to college
Clown college totally counts. Plus it's perfect for anyone who hates children*!
Here's one we can all aspire to:
- Be more supportive of friends and loved ones:
;)
'Nuff said.
Or, finally, in 2013:
- Don't be afraid to admit when you've made a mistake.
After all, there's no shame in admitting when you're wrong.
;)
There are, however, certain website audiences which will get a real kick out of it.
Thanks to Anony M., Jen R., Diana, Michelle B., & Sarah G. for the suggestions. Personally, I think I'm going with "play more video games" and "leave the house more." You, uh, don't suppose those two will interfere with each other, do you? o.0
*I say this as a former clown who does, in fact, have a strong dislike of children. (Hey, don't judge 'til you've seen a roving pack of unsupervised children descend upon a single clown bearing a bag of candy, ok? They're animals. ANIMALS, I tell you!)
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Reader Comments (44)
Ugh, the fried chicken one, while well done, makes me almost want to be a vegetarian(almost) DX the rest of them make me go wtf O_o
Sung to "Revolution" by The Beetles
You say you made a resolution
'Cause you know
We don't want to see poo swirls
You tell me you have a solution
'Cause you know
We won't eat that bloody bird
But then you talk about clown college
Or say "Dead Dad" cake's what it's all about
You gotta know that you can say, "I'm wrong."
"I'm wrong. I'm wrong."
I resolve to sneak more Aladdin references into my everyday conversation ;)
I too am a clown and I don't know which is worse: the unaccompanied kids or the parents who force kids who are afraid of clowns to meet the clown. No wait, it's the creepy guys who want you to kiss them and smear make-up on them. The make-up that you spent an hour applying and better not smear when you have another two hours at that gig. I'd rather eat cake.
So, did the bloody fried chicken lady explain the WHY of the bloody fried chicken? Was it a customer request, just something she did on a whim to see if she could pull it off? WHAT? Enquiring minds want to know!
Your old bowel habits just won’t do,
In twenty and thirteen.
Become a vegegarian
And your bathroom will stay clean.
The clown’s deranged
And “dead dad’s” strange
It is really sort of mean.
I’ll make a resolution now
I’ll text nothing that’s not keen.
But wrecky cakes I’ll still enjoy
I’ll laugh until I wee.
A Happy New Year to you all,
From your old (old) friend, SuBee!
"Better bowel habits" for sure! And it's not like the baker could not do the color "red". Maybe their artistic choice was "hmmm, perhaps if I use red for the wine color it will be too much red on the cake."
I think the scary clown one is supposed to be HR Puf-N-Stuff, except with green hair instead of orange. lol
I forgot: My abomination should be sung to "Auld Lang Syne," which makes about as much sense as my little ditty.
The second picture had me confused until I read the description. I was wondering why anyone would make jelly-filled chicken nuggets...
The 'fried chicken' reminds me of the poplers from futurama. 0_o
I did some clowning back in the day and I can confirm that small children in large groups are evil! We called them "Compies" after the little dinos in Jurrasic Park. You see one and think "Oh, how cute" then there are two or three, then there are 50 of them swarming over you and eating you alive.
I thought the chicken was just some sort of ugly pastry, and was trying to see something inappropriate in it!
The first one? I thought is said "Malaria" on the bottle, but it would still be a strange thing with those bottles of ick.
I'm with Melanie. Why fried chicken?
@ dutchgirl lol! At first when I read your comment, I was thinking, "wha...? Why add red to the poo? So it could look like bloody bowe..." and then my head exploded and I'm dead now. Thanks alot! xD
When I was pregnant with my son, I chose a circus theme for his nursery. I even hand-made a mobile and light switch cover with clowns. When he was 6, I took him to the circus. He didn't confess until he was 12 that he was very afraid of clowns and they totally creep him out. And then I discovered that there are, in fact, many children and adults who share this fear. What had I done?!?
He is now 17 and still freaked out by clowns. I think that clown cake could send him over the edge!
However, Jen, he loves this blog. And he loves video games. I think you two would get along very well!
My resolution is 1366x768. :)
And again, it seems like some decorators see the instructions to some extent not as phrases or word, but as individual letters, at least when they're carrying them out. So they get all the way through with the writing before realizing that they weren't supposed to write that. Some decorators kick out of that mode sooner than others, or possibly are more willing to admit that that probably shouldn't have been there.
The Dead Dad cake looks so terribly cheerful that you have to wonder if the baker (or the person placing the order) thought "All she needs is a pretty cake to cheer her right up!" /facepalm
The blood chicken pops - are those an artful commentary on Sandra Lee's cooking? I just saw her fried chicken salad video and after the Kwanza post, well, you know.
I think that first cake is supposed to be a bottle of coffee-flavored liqueur called Tia Maria. However, that does not excuse the poo-filled shot glasses. Blech!
I'm with Trekkie Gal... except that I was also trying to figure out HOW to make raspberry chipotle jelly filled chicken nuggets.
1. That's polyjuce potion. The chocolate coating helps it go down easier.
2. If those were actual chicken nuggets with buffalo wing sauce in them, that would be awesome-ly gross as well.
3. Well, IF you are going to be a clown, why not be the scariest mouth-dripping-blood-vampire-clown-with-a-head-wound you can be. Perhaps that will keep the children from swarming.
5. The Nothing has learned to text?
@Sharyn: brilliant as always.
@SuBee: I sang it with a quick tempo to nothing in particular, but it was still great! Very cute.
@KellyH: Only MOSTLY dead, I hope? Heehee.
On #1 the bottle is Tia Maria coffee liqueur, which is brown.It's not that thick, though.
I add my voice to those calling on Jen's Just Desserts to explain why they did that.
@Fluffy Cow - I agree! I made a batch of apple-jalapeno jelly that would probably taste great in a chicken nugget. Just need to add a red fruit to the next batch. Now we have to figure out how to make them
I'd like to start by wishing everyone a (very early, but not in stores) happy Valentines' Day. You know, that day we set aside to honor people named Valentine.
#1 It's a good thing the 'bottle' is 32 oz. -- if it were 33, this cake could not even be viewed in New York City. But that's a side issue. The important question: Why this exists. There must be a truly moving back story here.
#2 It is simply amazing how one food can be made to look like another. Even more amazing: the train of thought by which it occurs to anyone to do this. I trust these were accompanied by a stack of chicken patties 'frosted' with mashed potatoes. The message, written in ketchup: "Yes, this was a dare."
#3 Continuing the deli theme... Eek, a clown.
#4 "Sorry about your dead dud"? Isn't that rather redundant? What was a dud -- a cherry bomb, perhaps? [drum kit wav]
#5 I find it difficult to believe that even a wreckerator would actually write 'oops' on a cake. 'Opps', maybe, but not 'oops'. But this is clearly a wreck, and it wouldn't have occurred to me to dream about thinking otherwise. [Ear scratch]
@ Andrea--your comment about The Nothing learning to text just made me choke on my afternoon coffee. I <3 a good Neverending Story reference! Although that one does raise some truly creepy possibilites....
And this post has practially guaranteed that it will be a very long time before I can eat a chicken nugget. Thanks for the diet help, Jen!
I went to Jen's Just Desserts blog. Just to see if I could find an explanation for the chicken. I found none. I did however look at all of her recipes. I have to admit, it's kind of a grab bag. Some of her stuff looks absolutely wrecky. But some of it is pretty well done, and I might even want to try a few. If she could maintain some sort of consistency with the really good ones and start fading our the wrecks (or at least minimize their occurence), she might actually be on to something.
@ JRL-- Yum!
@ Major Ypres-- Tia Diarrhea, maybe? But it's STILL not liquid enough.
@ Fluffy Cow-- Maybe "why" would be more useful and appropriate. Along with "why the hell did it cross the road"?
@ TLC-- Have you ever seen the movie "Killer Clowns From Outer Space"? Need I say More?
@ Kate-- That's "Mr. Compsognathus" to you. . .
Seeing as I am one of those adults who find the presence of clowns in a room good enough reason for me to leave, I could honestly and cheerfully stab a cake knife straight into the middle of that clown head without a second thought.
Please, as Wilton is my witness, EXPLAIN the bloody fried chicken. Why, oh why, would one even make that????
I will admit that I'm a little freaked out by clowns too. But only to you guys because you know how to keep a secret, right? When my oldest daughter was little I collected those ceramic masks. You know, the ones from the Dollar Store? Yep, those ones. I had them everywhere! I finally gave them all away to a friend. Unfortunately for me, my youngest daughter likes to shop at Dollar Stores and every year I seem to get some sort of weird clown thing. I just put it on the lowest shelf where I don't have to actually see it.
Awesome once again Sharyn! Funny you said that about Aladdin. There have been quite a few words and phrases I've picked up from Jen and the comments that I'm trying really hard to work into my daily vocabulary. Unfortunately, not much call for "Poodles of doom" in a law office...
I was hoping the chicken nuggets were filled with sweet-n-sour sauce.
UPDATE, UPDATE!
I went to Jen's Just Desserts Facebook page. THERE IS AN EXPLANATION FOR THE BLOODY CHICKEN!
She states the following:
this was a special request for a bday boy who LOVES KFC
So there you have it! The reason behind the bloody chicken "cake". (They actually look like jam filled pastries, but I'll classify them as cake.... for now.)
The also linked back to this post on the Facebook page. Apparently, she's pretty proud of it, whether it's considered a wreck or not! :D
HI All, it's me, Jen: the bloody chicken chic. That is actually vanilla cake pops, filled with a raspberry caramel, then dipped in white chocolate & rolled in some corn flakes to make it all look like chicken. It was a wife's surprise birthday "cake" to her husband, who loves KFC. I've been making them with chocolate cake for a few years, which was already a surprise in itself ;-)
@Jen of Jen's Just Desserts: Thanks for stopping by and for sharing. One more question: Does the husband still love KFC? Because that might put me off of chicken for a while...steak, on the other hand, is supposed to be bloody. ; )
I'm with JoJo. The clown is totally H.R. Pufnstuf.
the first one made me think of slugs being vomited out- not polyjuice potion; however, I should point out that I haven't re-read the HP books in almost 13 months! must start this weekend- canNOT go a year without cracking those!
Thank you, other Jen, for explaining but I had already thought that looked like KFC and a nice job, too! I was hoping for sweet chili sauce like MickeyD's have for their nuggets, though, but that is a personal problem.
Your royal highest snarkiness, are you qualifying that "leave the house more" to mean "by going into the back yard" or are you really Leaving The House (and Yard) More? hmmmmm? never tell me your resolutions. Never. Unless, like Sharyn, you want to see a whole new world. ;)
SuBee, that was simply awesome.
Andrea wins the interwebs for Nothing. lol
Font Lady: I've done some clowning too and I'm comforted that I'm not the only one a (toothless) OLD man has tried to smooch, in costume. And I scared police horse once; I told parents, "If I can scare a police horse, I can scare your child. Please don't pressure them."
I thought the 'clown' was Puff-n-Stuff.
I resolve to find more wrecks. Having only one make publication is not enough (I'm an overachiever that way). Do you think my husband will mind if I stalk the grocery store late at night when no one is manning the bakery counter? Who needs sleep when these abominations keep getting made?
Hmm well that bloody chicken has not turned me off my favorite hot wings no matter what this baker did to make them gross lol. As for that clown cake..IT really freaked me out and ever since then those things scare me lol. That cake however just made me laugh and wonder who will get that lovely joy to share years of therapy with..
I think they should take a blood sample for the decorator of the first cake and see what they've been smoking before they came to work.
Yes, Andrea, the husband still loves KFC :-) I actually love some of the comments above about a savoury sauce: like chipotle or sweet-n-sour as a filling, perhaps in a savoury cake & some chilli-chocolate... hmmm... food for thought - literally!
Thirty-two ounces
is thirty-one too many.
Charmin for Christmas.
That first cake is scary. I think I'll make a resolution to dink more. I love chicken so Jen isn't going to scare me into being a vegetarian. That clown cake is terrifying. It is nice to say it with cake. I can see people buying Sorry about your dead loved one cakes flying off the shelves. Maybe someone could add a bakery to the funeral home.
So, am I the only one who read the "yahoo and wow" part of the post and now can't get "A Friend Like Me" from Aladdin out of my head? Yes? Fine, then I'll just go and watch the movie all by myself :P
I am utterly baffled by the last cake. With most of them you can kind of tell what went wrong, or at least if you use your imagination you can almost tell what it was supposed to be. But that last one? I got nothin'! So confused!
Does it look like the poopsies are trying to escape? I think they're trying to escape.