And Who Are YOU Supposed To Be?
November 1, 2012 Last night those of us who celebrate Halloween had the pleasure of being mugged repeatedly by little hellions armed with the threat of trickery and plastic candy buckets.
I kid, of course. At least two of the kids who came to our door had full-size trash bags instead of candy buckets. They literally could have thrown themselves away. They also weren't with any adults and didn't appear to be wearing costumes, but I'm sure that just meant they were dressed as the always popular "ungrateful child with entitlement complex."
I kid, of course. I love children. To be far away from me. And quiet. Quiet children who are far away from me are awesome. However, I'll also settle for kids wearing charming homemade costumes which make me feel all nostalgic and superior, because I can TOTALLY paint my face better than that. Just sayin', Spider-Man.
Halloween costumes are a lot like these wrecks: you may not always know what they're supposed to be, but you can still appreciate the effort that went into them.
;)
Or lack thereof.
Actually, that cake is exactly like the store-bought costumes we grew up wearing in the 80s: SOLID PLASTIC. All it's missing is a giant "BUGS BUNNY" plastered across the chest.
But with today's costumes - as with these wrecks - sometimes a little educated guessing is in order:
Is it mostly blue?
Then you've got three choices: Smurf, Cookie Monster, or someone from Avatar.
Or possibly the ghost of Cookie Monster (note the translucent hand) wearing a Smurf's hat and wailing about a tree.
(Please note: I've never seen Avatar, but I know there's something about a tree in it. John HAS seen Avatar, and now thinks I'm a horrible, horrible person.)
If excessive sideburns are involved, then it's probably Wolverine:
;)
Unless there's no cigar. Then it's Dora the Explorer.
If it looks like a cross between Heathcliff the cat and a pile of crap, then, uh...
I'm sorry, I was distracted by the sheer towering pile of crappiness here. I think I can almost see it wobbling - but maybe that's the post-Halloween sugar high talking. (FACT: you can never have too many "fun-sized" Almond Joys. THEY JUST GET MORE "FUN.")
And finally, if it's wearing the stricken expression of someone who will give you all the candy you want if you please just don't hurt him... ;)
...then you're probably looking in a mirror. So go have some fun-size Snickers and put your feet up, my friend, because you've earned it.
Thanks to James W., Rachel T., Nadine A., Alison T., Kathryn S., Becky C., for sending me all their fun-sized Almond Joys. And Twix. And Reese's Cups. Aw, you guys are the best.
Reader Comments (58)
don't feel bad about avatar-overhyped piece of crap :P Those cakes give me the giggles :)
Poor Bugs He looks like he pushed Wile E. Coyote out of the way right before the giant boulder came crashing down, and got smooshed. And he'd sound like an accordion if he walked.
As for Elmo: That expression comes from being in the vicinity of a creepy neighbor who likes little kids just a little bit too much.
No smile? No jazz hands?
Bugs, you blockhead, grow some arms!
Elmo! More *feeling!*
Sung to “Who are the People in your Neighborhood” (from Sesame Street)
Who were the people in your neighborhood?
In your neighborhood, in your neighborhood?
Oh, who were the people in your neighborhood
Who made you give candy away?
So, apparently that’s Spiderman
He should frost a mouth in if he can
Maybe Bugs’ spare flotsam will do
Solid plastic is so good for you.
Cookie Smurf was a person in your neighborhood
With a skull fracture. That just can’t be good.
And Dora looks like she’s in a face waxing mood
To help her clear some hair away.
Scooby Poo is looking pretty glad
Although wobbly poo is usually sad.
And Elmo’s having a bad day
People keep taking his treats away.
Is there a toxic waste dump somewhere in your neighborhood?
In your neighborhood, in your neighborhood?
‘Cause a lot of mutants hang out in your neighborhood.
They’re the people that you’ve seen
Every year on Halloweeen.
When they make you give candy away.
Sung to “Who are the People in your Neighborhood” (from Sesame Street)
Who were the people in your neighborhood?
In your neighborhood, in your neighborhood?
Oh, who were the people in your neighborhood
Who made you give candy away?
So, apparently that’s Spiderman
He should frost a mouth in if he can
Maybe Bugs’ spare flotsam will do
Solid plastic is so good for you.
Cookie Smurf was a person in your neighborhood
With a skull fracture. That just can’t be good.
And Dora looks like she’s in a face waxing mood
To help her clear some hair away.
Scooby Poo is looking pretty glad
Although wobbly poo is usually sad.
And Elmo’s having a bad day
People keep taking his treats away.
Is there a toxic waste dump somewhere in your neighborhood?
In your neighborhood, in your neighborhood?
‘Cause a lot of mutants hang out in your neighborhood.
They’re the people that you’ve seen
Every year on Halloweeen.
When they make you give candy away.
Paragraphs two and three prove why you and I should be best friends. :)
Many years ago, I discovered that it's better to just exclaim something along the lines of "Great costumes!" than to try and actually identify them because a) I am totally out of touch with kids' cartoons and characters and b) there's no greater insult to an 8-y.o. than to have someone think you're Cookie Monster when you were going for a character from Avatar!
*raising hand*
I've not seen Avatar and I think you're awesome. Plus you reminded me of the existence of Heathcliff.
Now I am off to the store for some 50% off candy.
First, I'd say the Cookie Monster cake is a cross between a Smurf, Cookie Monster and Cousin It.
Second, the Elmo cake is quite traumatic looking. Elmo looks like he's in a quicksand of a cake.
Third, with the possible Dora Explorer / Wolverine-with-no-cigar cake, I'd say that if that "person" on the cake had a cigar, that "person" could pass as a defiant Dora Explorer.
Fourth, that "pile of crapiness"cake which looks like Crappy-Doo, is that name on the cake "Blaise" or "Bloise" (rhymes with Boise with an "s" and not a "z" sound, as in the capitol of Idaho -- not to be confused with Iowa).
Fifth, if that Bugs Bunny cake were to ask me, "What's up, doc?", I'd say, "You're a crappy cake ! That's what's up !"
Yeppers......sugar rush from yesterday for me, too......except it was my eating dark chocolate chips mixed with peanut butter chocolate chips...and I wonder why I can't lose more weight.
I do hope you're ready for a massive influx of Almond Joys in your mailbox.
Really, though, is it that hard to tell the people who want to order a cake that you simply can't draw? "I'm sorry ma'am. I can pipe borders at the speed of sound, but I can't draw Dora to save my life. Can I interest you in a standard cake with an edible image and magnificent borders?"
By the way, does anyone actually EAT the edible images? Just wondering.
Elmo lives in New York (as do I.) He is obviously trying to flag down someone to bring him some electricity. And phone service. And Internet service. And junkfood. Unlike Elmo, if I stand behind my house under the big tree and hold my phone over my head I can still get Internet service for minutes at a time. I chose to use my minutes looking at these wrecks.
Soooo worth it!
As someone who loves to play Draw Something, but is a horrible artist, I applaud the Scooby Doo as being something on my level. Now, since that came from a PROFESSIONAL bakery, wow - that's just horrid.
#5 - Scooby Doo spending his last sad days at the retirement home next to that leaky nuclear power plant. Desperate to be recognised as more than a pile of crap, he sells himself out to any baker around with a piping bag who will put him on display. Alas, "pile of crap" is what these bakers are known for, so his efforts are in vain. :'(
OMG that Elmo cake had me spitting out my oatmeal. I laughed so loud. And my 2 year old, who is still in his costume, felt the need to imitate me and fake-laughed for about 5 minutes, pointing at the computer screen.
Aww I think Scooby Doo's cousin Heathcliff Brown is kinda cute.
"If it looks like a cross between Heathcliff the cat and a pile of crap, then" it must be Scooby Doo (or, in this case, Scooby Poo).
SuBee, may your internet coverage spread like a disease, and utilities arrive faster than frosting melts off a CCC in August sun.
Jen, I'm thinking of using your intro for my Facebook status today (though my nephew and s-i-l might take it the wrong way).
When children come to my door dressed as ungrateful children with an entitlement complex, I require a joke or song before I will dole out the sweets. There are some kids in my neighborhood tjat might not ne able to afford costumes, but singing is free, and puts the.lazy teenagers on their place. Sadly, my own child was the only homemade ostume I saw last night.
I took my daughter to trick-or-treat at the nursing home last night. I walked around saying "Happy Scary Boo Day!" They didn't get it. But my kid got a whole bucket full of candy. And she doesn't like Almond Joy so I got all of 'em. Score!!!
1. Looks like Egg Head dressed up as Spiderman.
2. Hee. See TLC's explanation!
3. Looks like they got the Cookie Monster mixed up with the Count. "How many cookies did I burn? Onnnnne, twoooo, thrrrrree. I have burnt thrrrree cookies! Ah-ah-ah!" *nom-nom-nom*
4. Mud Spa Dora!
5. Blaise's cake is an afront to all things Scooby-Doo and to childhood itself.
6. Huh. That's the EXACT face my son made when he got his arm stuck between the bars on a chair back. There may also have been tears. Mine.
The "Elmo Meets Portal" vibe of the last wreck makes me giggle anew every time I look at it...
Well, my 2-yr-old could i.d. that last cake, but only because "Elmo's red." *smirk* Those others, well, I'm not touching.
And I sent out one completely storebought costumed kid (but for the second time, so that was $$ well spent, I think), one mostly store-bought, but with homemade hair bows, one homemade-gathered-from-various-storebought-pieces-over-the-years, and myself, whose costume required sewing and gluing and holes-punched-in-leather and all sorts of stuff. I was most proud. ;-)
I'm pretty sure the "giant pile of crap" is supposed to be Scooby-Doo. Appropriate, n'est-ce pas?
Jen, if you've seen Ferngully (remember that movie about the fairies in the rainforest?), then you've seen Avatar. It's the same movie, just more grown up and in 3-d. Seriously.
I don't think the Wolvie cake is Wolvie or Dora - I think it's that creature from Where the Wild Things Are minus the horns. Maybe. Or a really bad icing drawing of a lion?
The less popular 'I have an aversion to being touched' Elmo.
I just have separate (lame) candy for the older kids w/o costumes. Last night was kind of surprising in that I had at least four full-fledged ADULTS (with wrinkles and/or beards!) grubbing for free candy sans kids. Not even with a lame story about how they have a sick little one at home or 'in the car.' They got a coupon from my work.
Wow--that's Scooby Doo? I'm still scratching my head. But perhaps the "crap," aka "doo," should have tipped me off.
I think Spidey is looking down his nose at me with his eyebrow raised. Kind of impressive since he doesn't have a nose. Or eyebrows.
Brenda, do you perhaps live in Iowa? That's the only place I've heard of where the kids are encouraged to tell a joke while trick or treating...
Sadly, I was able to figure out every single one of these cakes. I must spend too much time with toddlers.
Cake #4 looks like the Ruined Fresco Monkey Jesus.
Unlike last year (when I despaired of the current generation) we had a lot of homemade or storebought with embellishment costumes. It was the Year of the Zombie, but kids generally took a costume and added the zombie theme to it. We had zombie princesses, policemen, etc, and one kid was a Disney racecar with a pirate sword. We did have a few uncostumed teens, but most put some effort into the event. There was a teen in a business suit with a unicorn head - the power of Google indicated this was some sort of anime character.
That last one is stick 'em up elmo, part of the "Realistic toys for the rougher neighbourhood" range :D
Brenda, I love your idea!
I loved the smell of those plastic Collegeville masks!
And is poor Elmo drowning in a giant block of butter?
SuBee is right. Poor Elmo needs to be rescued after hurricane Sandy. I hope the Coast Guard gets there soon! What is that yellow thing he's in? OH DEAR LORD, IT'S WHAT'S LEFT OF BIG BIRD! (Don't tell Romney. He likes Big Bird.)
I actually think the face of the dog for Blaise is kinda cute, but why is the tongue white?
I think the Wolverine/Dora cake was designed by the lady who restored the Ecce Homo Jesus mural
All I can think of when looking at the Elmo cake is a quote from Ghostbusters... "I don't remember seeing any legs, but it definitely had arms because it reached for me..."
Didn't you know? That's the hot new toy this year, Torture Me Elmo.
Now, now, Scooby Doo may indeed look like "a towering pile of crap," but we must remember that of all the Hanna-Barbera characters voiced by Kasey Kasem, he was definitely, uh, one of them.
Well, old curmudgeon that I am, I skipped Halloween this year. After last year's importation of kids from out of state--aliens--desperati--adults with delusions of second childhoods, this year I turned out the lights and hid in the kitchen baking bread. Didn't even have a cake, wrecked or not, for company.
And, Jen, I was surprised to hear you hadn't seen Avatar. I rarely go to movies, but even I have seen Avatar. In 3-D!
Must go look for cake or candy--too much healthy food in the house.
DPL, YES!!!!!
@Muria: The problem with telling customers you can't draw is that they might decide to get their cake elsewhere. If you instead go ahead and make them a crappy cake, there's a decent chance they won't have the nerve to ask for their money back. Or at least I imagine that's the rationale...
I took up one of my friend's long time habits. Any kid without a costume begging for candy gets condiment packets or duck sauce.
Elmo looks like he's screaming "HELP! HELP!"
I usually just lurk, but I must say:
@the Former CB: My favorite snarky comment today. Possibly best elmo comment ever. LOL!
Jen and John (Thoj): I have loved your whole series of Halloween posts this year, wrecks and sweets.
I especially loved the "Death Bus" (with fingers).
Looking forward to the Holedays! I hope you don't develop "wreck fatigue" during the busy season. (I guess fun size almond joys and snickers are a good cure, though.)
Thanks!
I think the pile of crap is Scooby Do...
You know how you can tell this is a black market Bugs? his feet are TINY
it's a fake people! don't be fooled.
where are his ears?!?
the last one looks like a plastic toilet monster that attached inside the bowl with suction cups- the hands were attached to the lid so when you lifted the lid you saw a red creature in a similar pose.
saw it in a catalog once
See, I look at the Elmo cake, and I hear that sickeningly adorable voice screeching out, "Forward, Elmo's undead minions!"
Your words have truly moved my soul.
"I love children. To be far away from me. And quiet. Quiet children who are far away from me are awesome."
Prepare to be quoted frequently and with much vigor.
I had a passing fear that "heathcliff" might be the correct name for scooby-doo. epcot-moment averted. *blush*
Brenda, do you have Scottish ancestry? In Scotland, where I grew up, the tradition was 'guising', where kids went round in costume (disguise) and performed for a treat. No one was threatened with a trick - that wasn't the tradition. Kids had to sing, recite or dance, or no sweets.
Trick or treat may have caught on in Scotland now, as it has in England (where I now live).