Ho Ho Homicides
December 15, 2011 We interrupt your daily web browsing to bring you this SPECIAL REPORT.
A pastry butcher is on the loose and rampaging through our nation's bakeries. Let's go straight to the scene of the latest crime:
;)
"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIE!!"
Er... ok, maybe we should just run some B roll instead.
Let's take a look at some of the pastry punisher's previous victims:
;)
[wincing] Ouch. That's cold, man. Ice cold.
Yes, this cake crushing criminal is no respecter of Christmas celebrities. Why, poor Rudolph was found stunned like a common 'deer in the headlights:
;)
And gingerbread Mr. Bill learned exactly how the cookie crumbles:
;)
"Ohhh nooooo!"
Most chilling, however, is the spreading string of serial Santa slayings.
;)
Yes, this callous Kringle killer is out to collect some serious coal this year.
It seems that each fearful face-off leaves Father C. face down.
Talk about a knife in the back: Santa just got served.
;)
With a heaping helping of childhood trauma on the side.
Suspects are limited, but bystanders report spotting a suspicious character lurking around the cupcakes:
;)
So, if you see a murderous tableau in the cake aisle, then please, contact your local bakery authorities immediately...
...and ask them to stop making dead Christmas character cakes.
Thanks to Jessica L., Misty M., Kelly J., Rebecca M., Jim F., Anna M., Rachel M., & Monica D. for the killer treats.
Reader Comments (55)
It's a thing right? My local grocery store bakery, which tends to make cakes that are, unfortunately, really well done, has a dead reindeer in the window right now (also well done). Could someone explain this to me? Why are run-over reindeer, splayed santas and smushed snowmen a thing?
It's a thing right?
Don't get me wrong - I understand tortured gingerbread men with bit off bits - those things DESERVE to die.
Anyone know why Mr. Bill has holly in his armpits?
... Is anyone else getting "green armpit hair" from the mistletoe on the gingerbread man cake?
It looks like that first snowman is REALLY happy to see you, Jen.
Awww, come on ! The first cake is absolutely and illegally cute ! Even the poop hat looks edible.
SUSPECT TAKEN IN FOR QUESTIONING IN HO HO HOMICIDES: NEIGHBORS REACT
A "dessert of interest" has been taken in for questioning following a recent string of confectionary homicides. Reactions of neighbors was mixed:
Katie Kake stated, "I always thought he was really sweet."
Cookie Cutter had a different opinion: "Yeah, he was sweet. Too sweet. It had to be an act. I always wondered what he was hiding."
Ginger Bread agreed. "Well, he never bothered me personally, but there was something cold about him. And those eyes... They were like 2 lumps of coal. Black, no depth, soulless. He scared me."
His distraught baker declared, "I did my best to make him right, but he hung around with the wrong element. A lot of tarts and strumpets. I mean, crumpets. A lot of tarts and crumpets."
Authorities continue their questioning, but their time is divided because of evidence of a cereal killer in town -- responders to a 911 call from the Wheat family were too late. By the time they got there, the Wheats had all been shredded. There are no suspects.
Check back for further updates.
Get Gingerbread Mr. Bill a Bic shaver, stat!!
Was Rudolph intentionally misspelled 'Rudolf'?
Yum, all that delaying/icing. I just want to dip my fingers in and LICK!!!
That first santa cake looks like there should be a naked Kris Kringle hanging around nearby...
Mr. Bill is suffering through the infamous Ilex Armpit Prickilation Torture--oh nooooo, indeed!
I think my favorite is the gingerbread man. I wonder if the decorator was going for under-arm apparatus or a winter-fresh smell for Gingy!
Santa's not imaginary, kids. He's just gone to a better place.
Ohhh, nooooo, Mr Biiiiiiiiiiiill!!
You just brought the biggest smile to my face.
Oh, the ho-ho-horror of it!
And why does Rudolph look like Alf?
Why does Gingerbread Mr. Bill have holly sprouting from his armpits????
Come on, you've at least gotta appreciate gingerbread Mr. Bill's holly armpit hair! Sheesh.
What a disturbing way to find out the Rapture happened. You wake up Christmas morning and find Santa's suit laid out on the floor with NO SANTA!!!! Come on, you KNOW Santa is totally one of the chosen!
I'm with Raphael. That first cake is super cute.
Should that be a Santa sleigh-ing??
"Santa just got served" LOL!! Good one.
Rudolph and.... his pooh legs. Ug.
I have to LOL that after you posted about Panera's Pumpkin cookies a few weeks ago they are now an ad! So funny!
Ok, that first cake is cute... except... why is Frosty so, um, excited???
The horror...the absolute horror... D:
Of all the places they COULD have put that holly, I think the armpits were the best choice. :)
Hee, Jenny Jo.
The first cake wasn't so bad actually, compared to the horrors that followed...as Raphael noted, "illegally cute"!
I like the little Rudolph and the first cake isn't bad besides the hat.
I never knew that's where holly came from--gingerbread men's armpits. Maybe it's a French gingerbread man? In any case, I think this post is going to cause nightmares...
Sliding into first,
Santa forgets to lift head.
That'll leave a mark.
#2 What's going on in the upper left? If it were another red mitten, I could call 'jazz hands'. As it is, it looks yellow and seems to have claws. Yikes!
#4 What else do they have -- gingerbread cut in circles to look like cupcakes?
#5 The suit looks empty; this must be Santa's own living room. Yeah, that's it. (No aspersions on beloved quasi-fictional characters from me.) "Hi, Honey, I'm ho-ho-home!"
#6 I saw a roast before the caption put it in context.
#8 If anyone is familiar with 'Frosty the Bluesman' (Heywood Banks, Denver & the Mile High Orchestra, among others), that tune goes perfectly with this...thing. Fa la la la la!
@Sharyn, Here's more grist for the mill: I heard the Oats got rolled, and their neighbor, Mr. Rice, was really steamed. Jimmy 'Crack' Corn was overheard saying, "I don't care." Something about all of this just goes against the grain.
I missed the holly armpit hair, because I was too busy trying to un-see the "face-down Santa" cakes as "Santa furiously humping someone or something much smaller than he is." The poor elves.
I thought the tinting of the icing on the first was well done, even all the way to the borders. The rest of the cake is cute, though they could have smoothed out the snowman a little more.
And I thought it was supposed to be Grandma who got run over by a reindeer; not Santa.
@Sharyn, I bet Jen could find cakes to illustrate that news report!
It's holly under his arms. It's obviously holly.
Santa's not dead--he just went home. MY GOD...HE'S AN ALIEN!!! How did I not see it before? It makes so much sense! Thank you, badly decorated cakes--you have opened my eyes.
The fifth cake looks like that "Dallas!" Santa cake, except this one has a little present.
My daughter just walked by the computer and laughed at the cakes. She's 4 and she knows they're awful.
Hey! The head to that Santa torso is being sold at my grocery store!!
Mad props to Sharyn...pure awesomeness in that 'interview'!!!! =)
Umm...the carrot on the snowman in that last one...? The way it's 'resting' on that cupcake...? That is all..
The Santa suit is clearly a reference to Scott Calvin in the first Santa Clause movie!
I also question why that first snowman is so, ummm, excited.
Everyone ready for a "slay" ride??
It was Gary Busey: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0364376/
That "gingerbread man" looks like he has holly for armpit hair.
C 5, instead of a bear skin rug it's a Santa skin rug! Lol til I cried...again.
someone spiked Santa's milk and cookies and he needs a little, um, "nap."
why is everyone looking at me?? I didn't do it!
DOC: to correct and to serve
Bear rugs are so last year, all I want for Christmas is that Santa rug!
@Barbara Anne: Perfect motto.
Jen, these are great (in a cake wrecks way!)
Sharyn~Outstanding job on the blotter report.. You've got some serious talent, keep it up!
For everyone wondering why Frosty in the first pic is so excited, it appears the decorator created the snowball in one big blob of icing.. That's what you get when you pull the bag away sometimes... Could have taken a few seconds to smoothe it out though..
@Barbara Anne and @ Craig: I agree. That was brilliant.
Lol wow. All the poor dead Santas. Makes me wonder if these wreckerators just plain hate Christmas or just their customers in general. Guess they just want to make me cry with laughter on a daily basis.
It looks to me like the snowman got it in the snowballs. OUCH! He should put some ice on it.
@ Naomi: maybe the children?