Cake Writing 101: The Art of Spacing
August 27, 2008 "Alright, class, settle down. It's time to go over last week's pop quiz on inscription spacing, and I'm going to tell you all right now: I am not impressed. Laura? Are you here? Ah, there you are. Laura, would you be so kind as to tell the class just WHAT you were thinking when you made this cake?"
"What's that? You were trying to center the name? Well, emphasis on 'trying', huh? And I suppose it never occurred to that pretty little brain of yours to curve 'congratulations' - you know, like we covered in class just last week? Oh, do stop blubbering and take it like a decorator - geesh. They give me a bunch of pansies these days. Hey, where are you going? You get back in your seat, young lady!
"Alright, fine, since Laura would obviously rather blubber in the little girl's room, let's move on to Katie's cake."
"Katie, my blog is 3 column: why is your cake? Were you planning on pasting in some ads and a blog roll on the sides? No, you do NOT get extra credit for it being "almost" centered. What do I look like, a charity? Oh, and Katie? Do you happen to remember any of the three HUNDRED times I've lectured on the improper use of quotation marks? By that blank doe-eyed look you're giving me, I'd say no. Imbeciles. I am surrounded by imbeciles.
"Chris! Just where do you think you're trying to sneak off to, hm? Well, before you rush off, why don't we all take a look at your creation."
"Chris, congratulations. You managed to take a perfectly reasonable 3-line greeting and cram it into a beautifully centered 2-line inscription, and for no discernible reason. Bravo. Really.
"Now, what half-wit among you is responsible for this?"
"Sarah, I don't care how pretty it is, this is a class on spacing! Did you just get tired halfway through writing the name Brittany? Because that's what it looks like! And don't think I don't see those quotation marks, little missy, because I DO. Just for that, you get to wash all of today's piping tips - by hand.
"And lastly, Doug, against all odds yours was actually the best of the lot - although that's hardly saying much."
"Still, since you produced the least horrific example, you may leave early today. The rest of you, prepare to practice until carpal tunnel leaves your little hands as twisted as my wife's idea of 'fun'. Now mach schnell!"
Thanks to MR for the 1st photo. The rest I found all by myself. :)
Reader Comments (78)
I totally read the second one as "Happy Last Birthday".
I keep reading the third one as 'Sod bless you', haha. Not quite the same sentiment, there.
cool cake...
u don't need 2 know my name
Okay,let me stop laughing first.
*wipes away tear*
Yes.Better.
This is one of the funniest blogs I've come across in a long time.Not merely sacastic/witty funny but also laugh-out-loud-till-you-can't-stop funny. And inevitably,I read through all your blogposts.The hilarious (and sometimes unbelievably ridiculous) cakes aside, I loved the way you write.Thank you and do keep posting. :)
Before this turns into an epic: I'll stop now, I think.
Why do people make cake if they're going to do this? Why? It makes a little kitten cry everytime one of these is made.
And what the heck is with "quotation marks"? Is a sixteen birthday just a "theory" or a figment of your "imagination"?
Speaking of imagination, it takes a heck of a lot of it to think that what they wrote was acceptably centered.
-sigh- the future of cake decoration is bleak indeed.
Does that second cake say 'Happy Last Birthday'?
I love you. Really, I do. You bring joy to my day.
I just ♥ this page, so funny! /Gunilla
the last one seemed very kid friendly!! :)
Happy cake wrecking!
:),
Crusty~
I am on the floor laughing (making it quite hard to type this comment!). Oh, my gosh... the pictures are funny, but the commentary is just hilarious!!! Thanks for the morning laugh!!!
Happy lost Birthday...??! LOL!
Love this blog!
Didn't it occur to these folks that they could just accept their limitations and buy those stick-on letters from the supermarket?
Really, when you screw up this badly, just scrape off the frosting letters and use fake ones.
i really like the last cake LOL... it is the best of the lot today :)
Laura ~peach~
Clearly, this was Brittany's "sixteenth" birthday.
Also, HAPPY BIRTHDYA made me laugh quite hard.
The last one isn't TOO bad...as always it could be better too...
In defense of Britt's cake maker, I decided this year that I will be 25 from now on, and my birthday greeting have been coming with quotes on the age. Maybe she's really turning 50 but wanted to be a teen again?
I LOVE this site! I looked at every post, and each one was an absolute scream! This especially as I recently had a "cake wreck" experience myself - when ordering a cake for my 83-year-old aunt's birthday. I'll send a pic for your collecion - and I'll be back regularly to see the latest wrecks.
Perhaps "Congratulations & God" is a common greeting somewhere. Maybe?
No, I think not.
Shouldn't there be a law against these "decorators" being able to vote and reproduce. The more of these cakes that are found, the shallower the human gene pool appears to be.
i swear i had a teacher that spoke in that tone to the students.
funny stuff!
Is it wrong that I really really want to join your Spacing 101 class? It is, isn't it.
May I humbly suggest that #2 and #4 tip the balance towards a new category "Gross Misuse of Spray"?
I like Nixtress' take on the "16" really being her 50th birthday. And I am with everyone else, I read the second one as saying Happy Last Birthday. Is it actually supposed to be 1st birthday?
Not only do I see Happy Lost Birthday, but I can't even come up with what it's supposed to be!
I am laughing too hard to think of anything witty to say!
I read the second as "Happy Last Birthday", too. That's kind of morbid.
I really wanted to say, your dialog today had me choking on my coffee, I was laughing so hard.
At least I'm not the only one who thought that one cake said 'happy last birthday.'
One does wonder what was going to be done with all that blank space on the three-column one. Perhaps Viagra didn't get back to them in time about purchasing the ad space.
I also read that second cake as "Happy Last Birthday". Also, what is it wishing happy birthday to? A ship? a charity group? I can't figure out what the abbreviation stands for, but obviously it's in Chicago. Guess it's probably not a navy battle ship if it's in Lake Michigan.
OMG, love the commentary! What I don't get is the decorators finished, looked at the product, and said, yup, that'll do! Boxed it up, and away it went.
It's almost like when you see a person who obviously doesn't own a mirror walking around - you think to yourself, do THEY think that looks GOOD???
I'm Pretty sure that this was the day the baker allowed the local preschool class to tour the bakery and help decorate the cakes. Picking up one of these cakes would be hilarious...a "what were you thinking" moment!
I love your blog.
But... please, please realize: some of these Wreck inscriptions are indeed requests.
I ask my customers to fill out an order form, and some of the inscriptions include:
Happy Birthday!!! Amanada!!!!
"Best Wishes!" Richie
50th Birthday Dad!!!
ConGRADulations
You did IT! Baby! [no, this was not a baby shower]
I used to call them, and ask, are you sure?
The response: "Whatever." Or, "It just doesn't matter."
(That cake you featured was a decorator's cry for help.)
So now, I stand there, piping bag fitted with my trusty #3 tip in hand, agonizing...is there, is there...a deeper meaning?
Then I give them what they want.
This is hilarious!
I def. had that 3rd cake at my First Communion....oh god!
If you ONLY GLANCE at the last one, it's totally fine.
bwahahahahaha!! I love your blog. I really do.
On that first cake, what is the yellow icing spelling, Abley? Did they mean Ashley or Abby ?? Poor Abley. Your website is THE funniest.
This post made my day. Actualy laughter is so are to come by.
@ jaywalker:
Only if you consider sadomasochism "wrong". ;)
Soliloquist, I'm with you!! I am seriously laughing/crying. And Hatter, though I know you'[re right that a kitten cries every time a cake like this is made, I still can't stop laughing.
I am so thankful for the day I discovered Cake Wrecks. I am always trolling the internet for laughs, but this is the TRULY funniest site I have seen in a long time. Not just funny/clever, but laughing out loud-even-though-I-am-alone-in-the-house to the point that tears are flowing...
Thanks so much, Cake Lady! (although, I have yet to see the cake I sent you via private email, which was DAMN funny)
And also, thanks to all the commenters....you just keep the fun going.
Anybody notice the congratulatisns to Craig and Steve?
When Laura gets back from weeping in the bathroom, be sure to scold her for using pastel yellow icing on a white cake, please.
OMG! I see Happy LOST Birthday. Among other things. Too hysterical! I must stop laughing... I must, I must I must!
:-)
I wish someone would offer me Congratulations and God. Or even Congratulations and Jesus. I'm really not that picky. Just jealous...
Okay, I know the class is about spacing, but I think that several of these students also need remedial help in knowing when not to use the airbrush.
Because, really, there are very few times that airbrushing makes icing look better. The airbrushing on these cakes merely makes it look like the colours are bleeding.
Sigh. I guess remedial airbrush avoidance isn't on the curriculum until next semester?
I really wish #2 said "Happy Last Birthday." That would've just made my day. But it already looks so much like it, I'm sure it confused the people when they picked it up. They were probably wondering if the cake decorator knew something they didn't.
I LOVE YOUR BLOG! :)
Let's not be so hard on Laura. After all, she just got this job at the sub-par grocery store Bakery yesterday, and her hair net keeps getting in the way.
Seriously, this is why I always prefer to pipe with chocolate. If you screw up, you just pop the cake in the fridge til it hardens, then scrape it up and start over. Plus, it's chocolate. It tastes better than shortening and food coloring. Some decorators don't understand that this thing they're making is supposed to be eaten.
I'm sorry, but a retraction is in order. The use of quotations around the 16 was accurate and appropriate. The missing bit of information is that "Britt" is a Chinese gymnast...
Great cakes!! TOO funny. I love the improper use of quotation marks.
Hahahaha!! Funny cakes!!!
I do think the last one is OKAY though. :-)