Passive Aggression is a Dish Best Served Iced

Passive aggression comes in many forms, but I prefer the subtle approach for added deniability. The message is still there, of course, but it's not so obvious as to get you immediately disowned.

"Here's a big dead tree to represent your general state of witheredness. 

"Oh, and..." [jazz hands] "Happy birthday."

If she asks, it's a crown. But we both know better.

"No, Mom, of COURSE that's not a hand giving you the finger. It's a crown. Because you are a ROYAL...delight."

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this engagement cake:

...except that the groom's name is Nathan.

Nathan = 0

Mother-in-Law = + 20

When the subtle approach isn't getting the job done, though, sometimes you have to step up your game. And then put it in quotes:

"Also, I got this off the week-old clearance rack. For free."

Vicky: "It's not even my birthday!"

 "We know; we just wanted to make extra sure you knew you were being excluded."

"No, seriously, we're reeeeally sorry about that. Now, can we get you some cake? Or a drink? Maybe some adult diapers?"

 

Sarah C. claims she only asked for Happy Birthday, and the baker overheard her saying the rest on the phone to someone else. Riiiiight. How'd that excuse fly with the birthday girl, Sarah?

Of course, when it comes to passive aggressive cakes, nothing can ever compare to the ones mom used to make.

Right, Jason?

Oops, looks like we just missed Jason - he's gone on a guilt trip. See ya when you get back, buddy! "Enjoy!"

 
Thanks to Anne M., Courtney B., Emily K., Greer D., Laura P., Jessica S., Jennifer B., Sarah C., Faigie L., & Sue F., who will always still love me. Right, guys?

Guys? ...Hello?

The Secret's Out!

Sometimes when I tell people that John and I have been married for 13 years now, they exclaim in shock, "What, did you get married when you were twelve?!" And then we laugh and laugh until I wake up and cry a little.

The times I'm not dreaming, though, people sometimes ask what our "secret" is.  I assume they mean the secret to a happy marriage, and not that thing that happened at the fair, because how would they know about that?

So. The secret to a happy marriage?

ROMANTICAL TYPE WORDS AND STUFF.

Yep, nothing bolsters a relationship more than eloquently whispered...um...whispers of affection. 

And stuff.

 

What's more, this kind of mushiness isn't just for your weeding day!

 

Now, admittedly, John is a lot better at this than I am, but I've learned to follow his lead and try to say something romantical every single day.

 

I know it can be hard for you naturally romantic chatterboxes to understand us more silent and stoic types, but the truth is sometimes we just don't know how to express what we're feeling.

And other times you'll have to cut us a little slack because, hey, at least we're trying.

 

 [creepy grin] Aheheheheh. PREEETTY.

But really, I can't stress this one point enough:

 

ROMANTICAL.

And if you want to keep your spouse on his or her toes, try celebrating your next anniversary like this:

 Not that *I* would ever do such a thing, of course. No, I prefer to write John heartfelt missives of the feelings my heart feels. Kind of like this bakery's delivery box:

[turning on slow, sultry beat] 

[grabbing mic] 

[talking over doo-wop back-up singers]

 John, sweetie? There is no need reason. [draping self over piano] You fall - you FALL! - in love with my freedom. [raising roof]  HEE-HEE! So open that window, baby - yes, OPEN IT! So that the soul of my soul and your soul and our souls - oh yes - [sliding to front of stage on knees] embracing you. [biting lip] Unnng. Yeah, boy. UH.

Thanks to Judie V.,  Melanie S., Anony M., Whitney B., Heather R.,  Stephanie & Aaron, Anony M., & Melinda H., for helping me express myself. Like to enjoy the heart was affected, guys. LIKE TO ENJOY.