Big Bangs

Note: Today's post contains a word that starts with "p" and rhymes with "Venus." Parents, please parent accordingly.

Before you head out to stock up on fireworks this weekend, here's a handy tip from the folks over at Lamebook:

Perhaps I should rephrase that.

(Also: ow.)

What I meant was, when it comes to fireworks, you really want the most bang for your buck:

So always look for the cartoon steam whistle shouting, "Bang!"

You should also familiarize yourself with what fireworks actually look like, so you don't end up with a bunch of...bombs. (See what I did there?)

Even if they are patriotically potent powerful penis-ish ones.

No, trust me, you don't want sprinkles.

I see...slushies.

Oh my gosh! They killed Blinky!

(That's the red ghost from Pac-Man, kids. Now stop making me feel old.)

Important rocket safety tip:

The flamey bits should always come out the back.

Also, don't forget your patriotic donut holes!

At least they remembered the blue balls this time.

Oh, and Canada, lest you think I've forgotten you:

Happy Bloody Band Aid day!

(Once you see it, it's all you'll see.)

Thanks to Jessica G., Dawn S., Gail D., Deanna T., Amber S., Leanne O., Saralyn T., & Jennifer O., who make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh" while they shoot across the sky-y-y.

In a firework-y way, I mean.

Not a penis-ishy way.

NEW GOAL: Work the word "penis-ishy" into as many conversation today as possible. Starting...NOW.

My New Favorite Wedding Cake

Roses are red,

Butterflies are blue,

Um...

Pardon me, but are those sperm on your wedding cake?

Poem Option #2:

The cake that keeps giving,
and makes your guests squirm,
'Cause nothing says "marriage,"
like butterflies and sperm!

Poem Option #3:

Roses are red
And cake can be pretty.
How sad for you,
'Cuz yours looks all...
[eyeing children]
...unpleasant.

(Betting this cake will be pulled by baker request in 3...2...)

Thanks to Kristen G., who wishes more things rhymed with "tadpoles." Or is that just me?