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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Monday
Apr042016

CCCs: The Canker Sores Of Civilized Society (aka, AND ANOTHER THING!!)

When John told me this week was Hate Week*, my first thought was, "Why do we even HAVE a hate week?" But I immediately realized:

BECAUSE CUPCAKE CAKES.

(patooie!)

 

You see, sometimes I lay awake at night, afraid that you readers may STILL think cupcake cakes (patooie!) are not the spawn of Satan.

I'm afraid I've been too soft on these vile canker sores of civilized society. That you minions may even think - and this really scares me - that I'm only kidding.

IS THIS THE CCC (patooie!) OF A KIDDER?!

So this is it, minions. My last ditch Soap Box rant.

 

Let's review.

First, there's that "lovely lady lumps" texture:

 

And if your "cake" ISN'T pockmarked with pot holes, it's because your baker did this:

...to fill in all the gaps.

 

Bakers also use copious amounts of icing to stick the cupcakes in place:

That's copious amounts of icing you have to dig through with your fingers to get the cupcake wrappers off.

So please, tell me again how cupcake cakes (patooie!) are easier and cleaner to serve.

 

Next there's the whole "flattened by Judge Doom's steamroller" issue:

 

(If ONLY bakers had a way to make a perfectly round cake! [sob])

 

And since bakers can't get their cupcakes into any kind of recognizable shape, many have given up trying altogether:

What is it?

The world may never know.

 

...but this one looks kinda dirty.

 

Happily, big bakery chains have responded by taking a critical look at the (many) problems of CCCs (patooie!), carefully evaluating potential solutions...

...and then chucking more plastic on 'em.

 

But worst of all, minions - WORST of all - is the blatant, gleefully-kicking-us-while-we're-down cruelty represented in these particular abominations:

 

I'm talking about cupcake cakes (patooie!) disguised as REAL CAKES.

How do you light those candles? You don't. BECAUSE THIS WHOLE "CAKE" IS A LIE.

 

This is like when you really want a steak, and someone gives you a hamburger patty with a picture of a steak taped to it.

 

They're even making cupcake cakes (patooie!) of real cupcakes:

Which, ok, points for being totally meta, but otherwise?

NOOOOOooooOOOOOOOoooo

 

Look, my friends, I'm not saying that America as we know it will collapse into a slag heap of ruin if you ever buy another cupcake cake.

But I'm not saying it WON'T, either.
[meaningful glare]

So you think about that.

 

Thanks to Laurie G., Anna V., Sarah F., Deborah F., Lisa H., Cassandra T., Hillary H., Crystal, Michael G., Martina T., Chelsea, Tara C., Emily S., Julia K., & Paige C. for helping me write the longest CW post in the history of CW. John actually made me cut it down a bit. Because, oh yes, I HAVE MORE, PEOPLE .

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

*From George Orwell's 1984

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Reader Comments (70)

Was cake #3 supposed to be Nemo or the Staypuff man with a bad tan and a diaper? What is wrong with A) the people who order these monstrosities and B) the bakers who keep thinking/making these disasters? How much Nyquil do you have to drink in order to hallucinate these things up?

April 4, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKyle

@ Nanalettie: O, thank you again. :-)
@ Shekuse: Thank you; I appreciate that.
@Birdergirl: Thanks for the kind words. mel’s “creativity” is inspired by Jen and John’s incredible wit and humor; I am in awe of their constant comic creativity. I also appreciate their willingness to let me, and the rest of us, play here.
@ sue: Thank you!

April 4, 2016 | Unregistered Commentermel

They've made their way over the water! I cried a little when I saw this :-(
http://www.bbc.co.uk/events/ezxmbp/live/c5rbj5
I also said "patooie" a lot!

April 4, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAn

What we need is - hexagonal cupcake tins! Then, cupcakes could be nested together like a honeycomb...

April 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterRepubAnon

Why oh why do these even exist? Every time I see one I want to scream NOOOOOOOOOOOOO and then kill it with fire. Lol these are just plain evil.

April 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterArlene Marie

Good God, what are some of these things? Cupcakes, as cupcakes are wonderful, petite little bites of goodness. CCCs are disgusting. And why are they almost always done in garish colored frosting? Makes my teeth hurt!

April 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterNobodee Home

A cupcake cake (patooie!) of a cupcake - cupcakeception???

And any time I see one of these abominations and I can't work out what it is, I just think 'Oh, hey, that looks a bit like a wang' for which I hold you PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE.

Why can't people just dish up a nice tray of cupcakes? Cupcakes presented as cupcakes can be delicious. Cupcakes decorated as cupcakes can be amazing. WHY DO THIS TO YOUR FELLOW HUMANS? WHY? WHY? OH, THE CAKANITY...

April 5, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterdr handle

The idea that someone would order a CCC because they don't want to take a knife along to a picnic is crazy. They're fine with bringing a cake box that has to be kept upright, but not a knife? They can pre-order a cake, but can't remember the knife? Maybe these are people who have all been forbidden knives, even blunt ones, because of that unfortunate incident with the table knife at kindergarten...

April 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMorag

I have never ordered a CCC. I have never made a CCC. I will never participate in the creation or use of a CCC. Cake is cake, and cupcake is cupcake, and ne'er the twain shall meet! FOR THE CAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!

April 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterHairfish

@SuBee I'm all for letting cupcakes be cupcakes. And I do not love people trying to shape cupcakes into what they're clearly not. My idea of a good cupcake cake is the one where they draw the character or whatever on top of the middle cupcakes and then the rest of the cupcakes have white frosting, this way there are no misshapen monstrosities... well... depending on skills, the drawing could go very wrong, but hey that's just more cake wrecks fun! :P

April 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMonica

I also saw the flowers in the clay pot, Turning it on its side did not disguise this from me. It is still horrible. The last cake is definitely girly panties with a white hipband (as opposed to waistband) and the second to last is a pretty good rendition of a tombstone right after the funeral where the roses are still fresh and the memorial candles have not burned down yet....

April 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAlison in Austria

@mel!!! Yay! I'm so glad to "see" you! I truly have been saddened by your absence.
Well done as usual Jen! I really laughed out loud, especially at the "dirty" CCC, I stared and stared and then gave up seeing what you meant and then BAM, the dangly bit became glaringly naughty. Fabulous :)

April 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterCBushLite

I must confess to having ordered a CCC once, several years ago. (Certainly before my awareness of Cake Wrecks, maybe even before the existence of Cake Wrecks -- but certainly not before the existence of cake wrecks; I presume they've been around since time immemorial, waiting for Jen and John.) It was hard to go wrong, though; these were just individually frosted cupcakes, arranged in the appropriate numeral for the child's birthday. Granted, that could still have gone wrong; see the "3" above (though those are NOT individually frosted). However, my daughter was 11, so it was all good!

April 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterStephanieJ

I despise cupcake cakes. I can't believe how many people order them. If you don't fill in between the cupcakes, the icing sinks in. I understand people think that they are going to grab a cupcake and be able to avoid having to cut, use plates, etc. I can't see how this is possible. Once the icing is smoothed on and you pull one out, isn't the cupcake gonna lose most of it's frosting?

April 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

@CBushLite: I appreciate your comment; thank you so much!

April 6, 2016 | Unregistered Commentermel

@ Jen (and John) -- fabulous post, and way more fun than I should be having with a disgusting phenomenon.

I have one original observation--It has to do with the monkey CCC. I thought that those two beige things were his cojones, seeing that they were above his feet (the legs were more or less imaginary). Of course someone else may have said that indirectly and it went over my head (oh man, that would be bad, monkey balls over m y head!)

But this series of postings from fans were particularly excellent and hilarious today. A few highlights (IMHO):

@ SuBee --- Love your poem (Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes)

The two folks who pointed out the reason for the pony passing out.

@ Sarah Beth -- Loved your "If Picasso were a lazy baker with a drinking problem, he would have invented the CCC decades ahead of schedule"!

@ mmmmarcia -- I saw exactly what you saw (pink panties with a white sprinkley waistband) except I couldn't fit the "8" in the concept. But when you think about it, if a girl finally got potty trained at 8 years old, that would be worthy of a big party! Only not a big party with a CCC (ptooie!).

@ Degera -- "oh who am I kidding, I'd eat them, but I'd mock them first" ***interesting mental image forming***

@ mel -- so many great moments in your ode! I'll echo the crowd and say "Welcome back!"

@ TriciaL -- Kudos on your identification of CCC 10: "Oh, that's the 11th, 12th, and 13th holes of Augusta National!! Yes!! Nailed it!" So perfect!

@ sendingtheclowns -- I hadn't looked closely enough to realize they were Teddy Grahams (and white versions of the same shape...they seriously need some sun). But your characterization of the ominous swirls on the outer cupcakes as hurricanes and caution to "save yourselves, terrified plastic flotsam" really cracked me up. What further got me was the fact that they tried to put sea creatures, shells, and sand dollars on the side of the CCC (ptooie!) to mask some of the in-between frosting...oh yeah, that did the trick...NOT! Finally it's talking about taping a picture of a steak onto a hamburger. But that said, it's probably just as difficult to tape something to a hamburger as it is to tape something to a steak.

@ RepubAnon -- I fear that the only way the hexagonal cupcake pans would work is if someone made hexagonal cupcake liners. I don't think that the round liners would conform to the pan well enough. But great idea. But I say, let's not encourage them, OK?

OK, I've just looked back at all the posts and realize that "patooie" is the proper spelling. I don't care; I think I shall stick with "ptooie" as my shortened version of it--besides, saying it my way makes the beginning appropriately percussive ;-)

April 6, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMary Kay

You are my hero! Cupcake cakes and giant, frosting covered cookies must be eradicated from bakeries everywhere. Never give up! Never surrender!

April 6, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSusan

Copious amounts of icing is a good thing! Lick, slurp, yum.

And did you get a load of the symmetry of that Nemo CCC?

April 9, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterBea

I think that "what is it" CCC is maybe a flower pot--turned sideways! (Or a patch of dirt with flowers growing out of it.

April 16, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterTchr89

(Patooie!)

April 30, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterYami

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