The Emperor's New Cakes
June 21, 2013 Once upon a time, in the sprinkle-coated lands of the Cakey Kingdom, a mysterious stranger came to town. The stranger was peddling a wondrous new kind of icing: an icing so pure, so heavenly, that only those of unimpeachable character could see or taste it.
Since most of the Cakey Kingdom citizens didn't know what "unimpeachable" meant, they all immediately pretended they could see the wondrous icing - when, in fact, they could not.
;)
"Oh, yeah. I totally see it. Yup."
"Me, too!"
"Unimpeachably."
Soon all the Cakey Kingdom people were raving about the wondrous icing - though without ever agreeing on its exact color or flavor.
The Kingdom's food critic finally settled the matter by describing the icing as, "a sublime mix somewhere between a summer's sunset and the color of lullabies." Which everyone agreed was exactly right.
;)
At their customers' insistence, all the bakers in the Kingdom gamely purchased great big barrels of the lighter-than-air icing from the mysterious stranger, slathering it on their cakes with gusto, and perfecting the art of keeping a straight face during deliveries:
;)
Occasionally a small child would cry, "But, I want my cake FROSTED!" and the embarrassed parents would have to hogtie the toddler and shuffle home in shame. There they would have a stern talk about philosophy and keeping your head down.
;)
Eventually the new icing craze began to take its toll: cakes drying out left and right, roving gangs of black market "frost-iteers" scalping canned frosting on the street, and the pie business booming with its new slogan, "You can really SEE the difference!"
;)
Even so, the old Emperor himself requested the wondrous new icing for his royal birthday cake. So the palace bakers purchased gallons of the stuff, and on the big day all of the Emperor's subjects gathered round for the grand unveiling.
As the cake was slowly wheeled into the throne room, the aged Emperor peered down his jewel-encrusted spectacles, bushy brows furrowed. The court held its collective breath as he silently scrutinized every tier of his birthday cake.
;)
After several long, breathless moments, the Emperor lowered his spectacles.
"That," he said gravely, "is the ugliest cake I have ever seen."
The courtiers gasped, the royal bakers cringed back in terror, and at least one sullen teenager snickered.
Then, to everyone's astonishment, the old Emperor began to laugh. And laugh. And laugh!
"Finally," he wheezed, dabbing at his eyes. "After all these years, and all these perfect, beautiful cakes, at long last I have something I can send to Cake Wrecks!"
** THE END **
Thanks to Miranda R. and Anony M. for the reminder that there is always a silver lining. And in the case of cake, it's a silver lining you can eat. (Also,"naked" wedding cakes are totally a thing now. It's like bakers WANT this blog to live forever.)
Reader Comments (158)
If these, um, beauties are meant to coordinate with used brick walls, they do a smashing job!!
Hats off to "The Emporer" for this post... While I concur that less frosting is more, those are still some ugly and most likely unbearably dry cakes! 😝
I HATE frosting, so I think these all look tasty!
Google lesson learned ... do not do an image search result for "naked cakes" in hopes that this isn't a real thing and just something Jen made up for entertainment value...while you will find several cakes that are, indeed, "naked" as in dressed with no frosting, you will also find cakes that are "NAKED" which carries another meaning entirely.
Excuse me whilst I go clean my eyes out with soap.
i think that first one actually looks kind of cool, in a trashy sort of way
Please for the love of all things sugary stop calling them "Bakers"!
They're maybe decorators. And for a lot of the cakes in the over all blog - they're just clerks that have no training at all.
Please please stop saying bakers are responsible for these disasters!
-A Baker.
If I were to get a cake like this, I'd say, "I'm not gonna pay for this!" and either demand my money back or drop it in the nearest trash can. (After taking a photo of it.)
Nice commentary though. It kept me from actually gagging.
The top one and the third one look like a "rustic" style layer cakes stacked too high. The cake is very sweet and is layered with filling and fruit and frosting would make it sickeningly sweet so it's dusted with a bit of powdered sugar right before it's served. Sometimes doily is placed on top when the powdered sugar is sprinkled so a lace pattern appears when the doily is removed. Here are a nicer looking examples.
http://thecakeblog.com/2011/09/rustic-fresh-apple-cake.html
http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/38/97/d4/3897d475e1925eeb96b54b3fa68fcd8a.jpg