Ken Day Come-Ons
March 13, 2013 [dimming lights]
[queuing up sexy saxophone music]
[adjusting Speedo]
Hey, Bebeh.
;)
Today is Ken Day, bebeh doll, and that means I'm here to make all your sexy, sexy dreams come true.
;)
Except maybe that one.
(Never again, Cancun. NEVER AGAIN.)
That's right, my sprinkle-coated sugar dumpling, I am about to rock your world ... by dealing you a hand of Blackjack:
;)
Or, wait... this is a hot tub? Oh. Ok. EVEN BETTER. Mrowr.
Now, slide that sweet little personality of yours over here, and have an enormous glass of ketchup:
;)
I warmed up this side of the concrete slab just for you. [eyebrow waggle]
What's wrong, my tangy berry sweet tart? Is the concrete not to your liking?
Perhaps you'd prefer some Satin Ice* sheets?
;)
I don't lounge this casually for just anyone, you know. Mostly because I lack articulated elbows.
(*That one's for you, decorators.)
These boxers are really confining, though, my scrumptious fondant-wrapped cheesecake bite.
Here, let me slip into something a little more comfortable:
;)
You can't see it, but I'm totally flexing for you right now. Unnng.
Ahh, I can tell by your dismayed expression that you're thinking EXACTLY what I'm thinking, my honey-drenched pudding pop: this DOES cover up too many of my "finer assets." [wink] Well, don't you worry. I can fix that.
[grunting]
[squelching noises]
Ok, my candy-coated cake pop! Prepare to meet ... THE LOINCLOTH OF LOVE:
;)
Take me away, officer; I surrender to YOUR SEXINESS.
Oh, and I should warn you: objects in the rear view are much hotter than they appear.
;)
[jiggle jiggle]
Thanks to Sara O., Sanne V., Mary Ann B., Frank M., Laura S., Renee D., & Lauri M. for helping me retroactively ruin a lot of people's childhoods.
Reader Comments (95)
Note to wreckerators: "Loincloth" and "Jock Strap" are NOT equivalent terms.
Is it just me, or does the last one bear a disturbing resemblance to one of the murders in that moronic Diane Lane movie, "Untraceable"?
These are so wrong, but hi-larious!! Actually gives me ideas for future Victims, I mean Brides!!
Jen, You are my favorite.
Ericsmom....I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought Ken was laying on a sheep!!
I seriously thought the paper tag (let it go) on cake #6 said "Carissa's Last Fung!" I don't know what "Fung" is, but ew. I'm glad it actually says "fling."
Why is the first one reclining on a sheep....?
If you look just above the 11 in the fourth one, you'll see the reflection of what appears to be another Ken cake, this one beach-themed. I have to wonder why you'd need more than one.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! You just made my sick day from work completely worth it! As if the cakes weren't wrecktastick enough, all of your additional commentary left me feeling sleazy and creeped out.
Cake #6: "You can't see it, but I'm totally flexing for you right now. Unnng."
The imagery alone... that cake poor, violated cake...I need a Hazmat deconamination shower now.
I never thought my day would come!! So proud to be the submitter of the LOINCLOTH!! :) Thanks Jen!
Cancun-Ken looks like "The Situation". GTL!
Oh, good! Someone still remembers C***ring Magic Ken!
I think I don't care to see any more of Ken's "back story", if ypu know what I mean...
I have to wonder, are partygoers eager or reluctant to remove cake from around that area...?
I *think* that "other yellow thing" on the hot-tub-Ken-cake is supposed to be a drink....Of course that begs the question of why/how it's floating merrily in the tub ;)
This is also the day that we set aside in fond memory of food safety. [sniff]
#1 Ken is lying on a sheep, at the beach, with a 1.5 gallon bottle of champagne. The object just above and to the left of the thumb smoosh is the remains of a jellyfish -- Ken decided to set up shop in the tidal zone for reasons that are as obscure as any other with this.
#2 Looks like Otto may have been right about Ken, after all (I watched "Fish Called Wanda" a few nights ago).
#3 I think the object just out of Ken's reach is supposed to be a drink. Since a glass of orange juice (with mint garnish) isn't going to be floating upright all by itself, we're back to the card table theory. Although that does make the rubber duckie harder to explain.
#4 Interesting how the champagne bottles are embedded in the cement. This cake is number 11 in a series; the "glass of ketchup" theme is also seen in the cake to the left.
#5 I was going to say, "at least it isn't a meat blanket," but taste prevailed and I refrained. Thought that has no connection whatever to the previous sentence: it seems that Ken's 'attire' in most of these is, er, 'applied', which means that Kenswear is optional. Now there's a thought that could justify an immediate self-lobotomy.
#6 Moving right along...
#7 Looks like the party was just being set up. The banner appears to say, 'Congratulations' (or some variant thereof). I won't begin to speculate who is being congratulated or for what, but again with the accessorized frosting. Oy.
Why oh why didn't the photographer move over just a smidgen so that champagne bottle would be positioned just so?
The glass of ketchup one reminds me of an Oscar Madison quote: "I like ketchup. It's like tomato wine." Makes sense now.
The guy on the brown sheets looks like he's doing just fine there on his own.
Is it just me or do those lounging side layers look like Spock!?!?!?
Those are the most disturbing cakes I have seen yet! Worse than floating Fop baby head,
Or dead baby cake or baby's bursting out of bellys or sexually suggestive Santas! Shudder
Eyes burning! Ackkk! Must concentrate to terms of endearment, puddin' pop.
My favorite line was "Loincloth of Love". Too funny. Just too dang funny.
the other yellow thing in the tub looks a bit like a yellow bell pepper, which explains why it would float, with all that air inside. it doesn't explain why anyone would take a bell pepper into a tub in the first place though.
the ken-in-a-dress cake made me literally LOL. it's just so *throws hand dramatically in the air* FABulous!
Really makes you appreciate Burt Reynolds.
I was really excited to see the post about Cake Wrecks in today's Daily Mail, but why is the author of the DM trying to copyright pics pulled off this blog to London Media?
My first impression of cake no. 1 was that a large, white dog ran into the room at the exact same time Ken was reclining, and the dog got smooshed under him. Poor thing.
But that second cake -- I'm screaming with laughter and pounding on my chair! And the story behind the "necklace" makes it even better.
As for the commentary: Jen, if the late, great Barry White were still alive, he'd be taking notes for his next song. Awesome!
Oh, that is DISTURBING! Thank goodness I was never a Ken/Barbie fan...
It's even funnier if you read all of "Ken's" lines in Zap Brannigan's voice ;)
Wouldn't it be nice if we could go back to a time when life was more innocent and pure. You know, like 5 minutes ago before I read this post!
That must be Spongeblob in the hot tub with Ken and the rubber ducky.
OMG, I had one of those speedo gut on a bear skin rug cakes for my 21st birthday!
"These boxers are really confining, though, my scrumptious fondant-wrapped cheesecake bite."
You really shouldn't transition from boxers being confining to talking about a scrumptious fondant-wrapped cheesecake bite--it sure didn't seem like that was a term of endearment. It sounded like he was talking about his.. well... you know.
Well, for about three days, I'll be humming What happens in Mexico
I so desperately want someone to send Jen a pic of one of these with Captain Hammer on it. I've spent the last few minutes toying with the line "and by hammer I mean my (bleep)"
What bothers me the most is how it looks like the ribbons on the second one are being held on by pins.
What the heck is the first Ken lying on? A sheep?
"Oh Ken, being with a different cake every night is just going to lead you down a path of ruin, and diabetes."
This killed me.
Not only do wreckerators not want me having kids they now have made me want to go celibate much to my husbands dismay lol. No longer will I be able to look at Barbie in quite the same way considering what her boyfriend Ken is up to lately lol.
Yes. Yes, it is a sheep. It is a decomposing sheep in a nuclear fallout zone.
"Hey Behbeh! Wanna celebrate that we survived?" (eyebrow waggle)
It's "Hey Bebeh Part II: The Return of Smexy Spiky Polar Bear Rugs" (known affectionately to fans as HEP: RSSPBR). I love this series!
Besides, doesn't every talk like this to their significant other in the bedroom? No? Just me?
...Anyone?
I think it's supposed to be a bearskin rug, although when I first saw it it reminded me of that scene in "The Sopranos" where Chris sat on Adriana's little white dog.
I think I may be (a bit more) damaged after reading through that.... Cheers for the nightmares hun!!!!!
Cake 4 explains the 'eye of Sauron' on cake 1. What Ken is really saying is "I had a champagne glass for you, Bebeh, but it was taken to use for carrying away my original head. Logical, no?"
I don't guess anyone has ever purchased a sheep skin except me. I knew exactly what it was. They are exceptionally warm and soft and Ken's going to need it on that bed of concrete. Yeesh!
Huh, Ken has more of a butt than I remembered. I have no fear of the loincloth falling off as poor Ken was pretty much neutered. No wonder Barbie cheated with G.I. Joe.
I think the other yellow thing is supposed to be soap on a rope, or something like that.
Is it possible that Gay Ken in a dress was the centerpiece for the Gay Pride banquet?
As for the last one . . . plastic never looked so naughty! Cheeky!
Is it just me or does the 'ken' on that last one look a little too much like Patrick Swayze? It adds a whole new element of not quite right!!
This post actually made me laugh until I wasn't making any noise, I was laughing so hard! It's great to know I can always count on Cake Wrecks.
PMSL. You know why I love this post so much? My four year old daughter thinks my partner looks like Ken. So whenever she loses Ken somewhere in the house she asks me to help find her daddy doll.
You know you've successfully narrated a post when I read that entire thing in a deep sexy man voice (in my head, of course). Well done.
HA! Are those Rachel Tice's pants? I can't wait to spread this from Wichita to Atchison! Blaine and Saison are so history!