You Gonna Eat That?
February 29, 2012 And now, courtesy of the bakeries of America,
10 Things That Should Never Be On Cake.
10. Wired Ribbon
;)
Or any ribbon, for that matter, but the wired stuff is especially bad. Do you really want sharp metal in your icing? And is it really that hard to pipe a bow? (Don't answer that. I know. Believe me. I know.)
9. Rosaries
;)
Is this a thing? Why is this a thing? I mean, I've heard of cake being "sinfully" good before, but really?
8. Individually Wrapped Candies
;)
Icing-smeared cellophane has never tasted so good.
7. Stuffed Animals
;)
I don't know about you, but the last thing *I* want to see when I open a bakery box is a small furry creature. Besides, can you imagine licking icing off synthetic fur?
(You can, can't you? In fact, I bet you're imagining it THIS VERY SECOND.)
[You're welcome.]
6. License Plates
;)
What is this I don't even.
{Actually, I'm guessing the baker saw this and decided not to take any chances.}
5. Fishing Lures Complete With Hooks
;)
Yet another reason why you don't mess with Texas...cakes.
(And I thought licking stuffed animals would be bad. YOWCH.)
4. Those Disposable Plastic Rims You Snap Off Industrial-Sized Icing Tubs
;)
Seriously, bakers?
SERIOUSLY?!
[Note: It's supposed to be a helmet. And the fact that I know that made me seriously re-consider my life goals this week.]
3: Underwear
;)
Not gonna lie, Marge: seeing actual thigh-highs on cakey leg stumps just made my entire week.
Maybe I should get out more.
2. Live Animals
;)
I suppose you could argue that the fish aren't technically touching the cake...but at that point you have to stop and ask yourself why you're arguing in favor of putting live fish on a cake.
Plus they're not even pretty fish. And what happens when one goes belly-up at the reception? Do you really want to spend your wedding day explaining the circle of life to a bunch of traumatized children? And who takes the ugly minnows home afterward, anyway? The traumatized children? And what happens when sloshed Uncle Bill grabs the wrong wine glass later on?
(Actually, I have an answer for that last one: COMEDY GOLD, that's what.)
And finally, the number one thing that should never be on a cake....IS...
1. Used Pregnancy Tests
;)
And you thought I was joking.
Thanks to Jill C., Nell M., Shayna R., Giana T., Melanie H., Misty S., Neba N., Susie M., Stacey W., & Anony M. for putting all those plastic clown heads in perspective.
Reader Comments (149)
My first cake I ever made for anyone 'professionally' was a wedding cake. I didn't knead the fondant before I rolled it out for the cake, so it was all cracked and just a big hot mess. After I cried for a little bit on my kitchen floor, I went to the craft store and bought some discount wire ribbon and wrapped the heck out of that cake, and for sake measures I put some big silk lilies and beaded floral sprays and called it a day. That being said, it was a wedding cake for a friend that I did for free. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. I have learned a lot, and only use edible decorations now :)
The Helmet, pregnancy test & hooks are my fave though :)
I'm going to see if anyone has a picture of the cake, I'll totally upload it on here...
My first thought on seeing the rosary cake was along the lines of "errr, pearl g-string on a cake? oy." So a rosary was much less ... um... .
Well, it was less.
@SuBee's Grandma: And you had to walk 5 miles uphill to get a slice.
Mrs. NOT SQUEAMISH says, "This is the first time I actually GAGGED reading this. Thanks, #2 and #1!!"
That Texas cake: It looks like demonically animated fishing lures are eating a bloated, decaying carcass of undeterminable origin that has the visage of a deer on it. Uh, and the deer has claws on its head instead of antlers. And is possibly wearing a barrette....?
How is that football player supposed to see where he's going? Sorry. I know that's not the point, but I can't stop thinking about that.
Truncated cake bodies wearing lingerie: The Sexy, that is not.
Please, Jen! Do not be so specific! Live animals, dead animals; neither belongs on a cake.
*snort* Comedy Gold! Indeed!
Pregnancy Test Cake:
Wow. *blink, blink*
I think that I shall never see
a cake as horrible as thee.
Until tomorrow. Heeheehee!
By the time I got to the end of the comments, I didn't remember who said something about saying EW so many times in such a short period. I agree wholeheartedly. I am NOT a professional cake decorator but I would never use ANY of that on a cake of mine. I've made teddy bear cakes and there was no fur involved, real or synthetic. Only icing. I made a cake for an author's book signing and there was no paper or ink involved. Only icing. I've even made cakes for baby showers etc and never did it cross my mind to use anything that had anything to do with urine. Only icing.
OT...I have to ask...If urine is sterile, why do people get bladder and urinary tract infections? I mean, what's passing through there but urine?
The Posts are better than the cakes! I laughed 'til I cried.
#8: On the other hand, if they'd unwrapped all those Tootsie Rolls, you'd still probably wind up featuring it. It would just be yet another cake that looks like it's got poop all over it. So... at least it's Wrecked in a more unique way?
#5: Sweet Jesus! Are you kidding me?? Cakes with FISHHOOKS??
Also, to the commenter who remarked that licking frosting off synthetic fur is no worse than licking it off real fur - you wouldn't have to! If the animal is alive, it would happily lick the frosting off itself for you. So you're only in real trouble if your cake features a... dead... animal....... okay NOW I'm grossed out. Please, please, please never feature a cake with a dead animal on it. I need to continue believing that such a thing could never exist.
Urine schmurine!!!
NO NIPPLES ON CAKE!
(Better late than pregnant!!!)
@Suebee's Grandma and Sharyn
And after the long walk,
we didn't even get/i> forks.
We ate with rocks, sticks!
It really would not be all that difficult to push icing into a shape that resembles a pregnancy test.
For most people...
Jen, you are just hilariously freaking brilliant!
@Lady Anne, I don't think that's cornelli lace on that cake; I'm pretty sure they did that (gross) thing where they let the frosting dry a bit and then rub it with a paper towel. Seriously.
@Addy -- that's exactly what I was thinking!! I'm not sure if I should be impressed or horrified that someone was able to get a thong on a cake! Let's just hope it wasn't a used thong ;)
Really people. Okay if the cake with the fish on it were pretty, maybe. But wasn't even that pretty. Fishing lures would look horrible on any cake. Pregnancy test just gross. Someone peed on that thing then stuck it on the cake. That is just gross. lol Oh well, what ever floats their boat. lol
John (thoJ), you have the patience of a saint in a sunbeam.
@Sharyn, lady, I am soooooooo gonna stay on you good side. Wreckerators beware- she knows things!!
Re: pee sticks
What are the odds the mother-to-be carefully scrubbed her hands in a sterile location, carefully administered the drops without any splash over and maintained it in a sterile environment until it reached the bakery…which undoubtedly was in a clean room, too? yeaaaah, that's what I thought.
The clown heads are still freakier. Really.
Did people fail to notice the buckshots / bullets surrounding texas too?!? ridic!
Edible underwear should be acceptable. Inedible underwear, unacceptable.
One missing angle bracket . . .
The wreckerator touched the pregnancy test thingy, too? And it's got a fringe of pink and blue sperm charging towards a number of sprinkly eggs! Gives conceptualization a whole 'nuther bad meaning.
Some years back, I applied to my neighborhood grocer for a job as cake decorator. I'm a trained artist. I can draw. I have a great sense of color. I spell well, too. Apparently, based on what I see on this site, those qualities aren't necessarily needed to make a bakery's party cakes, 'cause I didn't get the job.
Texas: huntin' an' fishin' an' ... no bird dog. no ATV. no boots. no Lone Star. I'm stuck between :words for The Yellow Cake of Texas / an incoherent thought about tactful restraint and understatement / what the heck is WRONG with these people?
Is anyone else noticing that there's some shotgun shells on the Texas cake?
Ewwwwwwwww. A used pregnancy test arghhhhhhh. I loved Sharyn's comment lol. Well I think whoever thought putting a used test on a cake was a great idea..really shouldn't decorate cakes at all. I am stumped at these cakes and amazed that people bought them lol.
I don't know where to start...the ribbon cake actually looks really good compared to the rest of these. And I think the pregnancy test one just traumatized me.
Ptht, ptht, blech. I can just feel the synthetic fur stuck on my tongue.
OK..i was kinda giggling reading this until i got to the pregnancy test one. Now I'm HOWLING and crying I'm laughing so hard. WTF people!! You PEE ON THOSE THINGS!!! ha ha ha hahaha...I might consider having one more kid just so I can do that myself. HA HA HA HA!!!
@ John (thoJ)--Thank you! I wonder the very same thing!
HOW are we not talking about the green blob on the #5 cake?? I mean, yeah, the fish hooks are baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. But what is that green blob supposed to be???
@ Barbara Anne -- it was purely hypothetical. You're safe. (From me, at least. Some of these cakes might kill you...)
@Andrea Thanks for giving the correct spelling for "ptht", now how about what Bill the Cat says? Need both for future comments here.
If you look at the upper right-hand corner of the license plate, it looks like it still has the plastic covering on it.
As for the others ... I am just speechless!
Mark - You beat me to the punch!
One of my best friends was bridesmaid at a wedding with "goldfish centerpieces" and she and the other bridesmaids spent the entire reception ferrying dead and dying fish out to the ladies room, and whispering prayers and apologies to them as they were flushed out of sight.
Um, does anyone else find themselves tilting their head, because it appears that the cake stump's underpants are put on sideways?
....Was the Rosary cake made with Holy Water? Or was the Rosary on the cake because it was possessed? And it if was possessed, does it look like a critter with icing on it? ...Hmm...I wonder if Sci Fi would make a movie on a possessed cake that terrorizes a local backery in nowheresville Maine (that looks mysteriously like Southern California somehow) and tries to eat anyone that turns their cakes into wrecks!
Fish cakes are just cruel : (
GASP!
Wow, am I embarrassed.
I have actually put a rosary on a cake before. To be fair, I made it out of fondant and it was draped tastefully on a Bible for a first communion. But now I feel guilty. I may have to go apologize to the boy's mother.
And is it bad that seeing the ribbon picture reminded me I need to pick up baby blue ribbon for that cake this weekend? I actually stopped reading and wrote it on my to-do list! But now I feel so guilty I definitely won't get the wired ribbon, so thanks Jen and John!
Why did you put a censor bar on the torso cake, but not on the thigh high cake? My nephew just pointed out that she's not wearing panties(and apparently has a brazilian wax job). Though I will admit that hair down there would have really triggered a censored cake wreck.
Yay, my bucket-helmet cake made it in!
Am I the only one who sat there for a moment, staring, wondering HOW the baker got the thong onto the cake without damaging it? I actually had the line run through my brain "Oh, they must have cut the thong in the back and just laid it under the cake and DEAR GOD WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS?!?"
After I wrote the above post, he then zoomed in on the picture and announced that she was "not Barbie down there." Thank God he's over eighteen.
The goldfish scenario would be funny, but I shudder to think of the fate of sloshed Uncle Bill if he grabbed that fish hook cake.
Discerning brides choose betta fish to put in their cake, and really, who wouldn't want a fish-scented cake? As a pet store employee I can tell you the reason the bride chose these ugly feeder goldfish is because they are only about 17 cents each as apposed to $3 and up for an attractive fish. As for putting doves in a cake as per a previous post.... that's all well and good as long as you aren't concerned about giving your guests psittacosis. No thank you.
At first I thought that the last cake reads "Guess Wha's Due".
The fish one is kind of cute without the... FISH!??!?!?!
I would like to comment on cake number 5. Fishing lures all have warning labels stating they contain lead and to wash hands immediately after handling. Just when you thought licking the icing off of the hooks was bad. Yikes!
@Sunshine Mary.
By all means take the object off the cake and then eat it. As long as you don't mind eating a piece of cake thats had a used pregnancy test on it. . . . . . . .
The white squiggles on the Texas cake is probably the Browning logo. They make hunting gear and have a stylized buck head logo. That I know this is actually kind of weird since I don't hunt or own a rifle, but these decals are on half the pickup trucks in Texas.
Having said that, the lumpy camo Texas cake is sad. If the lures were new, I am okay with just picking them off the cake. If they were used and all fishy.... bleh.
OMG REALLY??? lol
If you put a used pregnancy test on a cake, urine trouble...