You Gonna Eat That?
February 29, 2012 And now, courtesy of the bakeries of America,
10 Things That Should Never Be On Cake.
10. Wired Ribbon
;)
Or any ribbon, for that matter, but the wired stuff is especially bad. Do you really want sharp metal in your icing? And is it really that hard to pipe a bow? (Don't answer that. I know. Believe me. I know.)
9. Rosaries
;)
Is this a thing? Why is this a thing? I mean, I've heard of cake being "sinfully" good before, but really?
8. Individually Wrapped Candies
;)
Icing-smeared cellophane has never tasted so good.
7. Stuffed Animals
;)
I don't know about you, but the last thing *I* want to see when I open a bakery box is a small furry creature. Besides, can you imagine licking icing off synthetic fur?
(You can, can't you? In fact, I bet you're imagining it THIS VERY SECOND.)
[You're welcome.]
6. License Plates
;)
What is this I don't even.
{Actually, I'm guessing the baker saw this and decided not to take any chances.}
5. Fishing Lures Complete With Hooks
;)
Yet another reason why you don't mess with Texas...cakes.
(And I thought licking stuffed animals would be bad. YOWCH.)
4. Those Disposable Plastic Rims You Snap Off Industrial-Sized Icing Tubs
;)
Seriously, bakers?
SERIOUSLY?!
[Note: It's supposed to be a helmet. And the fact that I know that made me seriously re-consider my life goals this week.]
3: Underwear
;)
Not gonna lie, Marge: seeing actual thigh-highs on cakey leg stumps just made my entire week.
Maybe I should get out more.
2. Live Animals
;)
I suppose you could argue that the fish aren't technically touching the cake...but at that point you have to stop and ask yourself why you're arguing in favor of putting live fish on a cake.
Plus they're not even pretty fish. And what happens when one goes belly-up at the reception? Do you really want to spend your wedding day explaining the circle of life to a bunch of traumatized children? And who takes the ugly minnows home afterward, anyway? The traumatized children? And what happens when sloshed Uncle Bill grabs the wrong wine glass later on?
(Actually, I have an answer for that last one: COMEDY GOLD, that's what.)
And finally, the number one thing that should never be on a cake....IS...
1. Used Pregnancy Tests
;)
And you thought I was joking.
Thanks to Jill C., Nell M., Shayna R., Giana T., Melanie H., Misty S., Neba N., Susie M., Stacey W., & Anony M. for putting all those plastic clown heads in perspective.
Reader Comments (149)
The Rosary cake was probably for a Baptism or First Communion, but as a Catholic I can say that an actual rosary is not considered an appropriate cake decoration (we have them blessed, for heaven sake!). Now a piped on icing rosary would be fine, assuming the decorater can make one that doesn't turn out looking like someone's lower intestine.
Commenter #1 annoyed me. No, it's not difficult to take the item off the cake, obviously. You completely missed the point:
1. Non-edible items on a cake make a huge mess in the removal process, and the cleanup process of the items themselves, if they are intended to be reusable, is an irritating task.
2. The items themselves aren't exactly appetizing. Unless you regularly eat food that has come in contact with items that have recently touched your urinary tract (don't answer that.)
There, I got that off my chest (but I still wouldn't put it on a cake!)
Haiku Joy is having a field day today!! But I am sick to my stomach and I know I do not need a pregnancy test. WHAT WERE THEY THINKING???
Is it me or is that supposed to be sperm working its way into that last wreck?
If the Cakewrecker had removed the individual wrappers from each Tootsie Roll, the cake would have dropped the patriotic flare! (and qualified for one of the 'poop' posts instead)
The rosary cake feels a little sacrilegious but really what put me over the top was the thigh highs on the leg stumps. Something about that felt so funny for so many inappropriate reasons. It feels like something you'd see in some mockumentary. My first thought was Drop Dead Gorgeous . Clearly, I have a very dark sense of humor.
But seriously, thigh highs on leg stumps. I die.
1. Lift stuffed animal (doll, etc) off cake.
2. Spend five hours picking fake hairs off cake. Mentally catalog ways time might be better spent.
2a. Bury stuffed animal, knowing that the alternative is to become a hero in the ant world, or...
2b. Put exterminator on speed dial.
3. Cut cake and eat it.
4. Gag on fake hairs you missed.
5. Try not to think about what 'Hell-no Kitty' might have been exposed to prior to being embedded in frosting, or what toxins were likely involved in manufacture (of cake or animal).
6. Think about it anyway and see cake again.
BTW, Tootsies are wrapped in wax paper. Not that that's better than cellophane for cake purposes, just sayin'.
Real Hooks? Seriously?
I'm going to hope the decorator used food coloring to make the pregnancy test blue......
Jen, I guess I don't get out often enough either because those leg stumps with the folded over thigh high stockings are the funniest thing I've seen in a long time!!
These nonfood additions make the baby Jesus cry.
I would use porcelain doves. Real ones poop.
All I could think of during this post was: none of this is food-grade, with the exception of the rosary (possibly ) - it looks cheap enough to be manufactured for use as a cake decoration, but the unfortunate use of coloured coconut makes it look worse than it is.
Great job again Jen!
Allie - first time commentor, been a fan for ages!
I was wondering why the decorator had gone to the trouble to do all the cornelli work around that license plate (like an evening gown with combat boots), but somebody else answered the question. It is probably a groom's cake, and we can only hope with decorator washed the place before applying it to the cake.
BTW, I sent a link to the 2/22 wedding horrors, um cakes, yes, CAKES, that's it - to my recently engaged granddaughter. She loved them!
1. The license plate is a University of Kentucky Wildcat - and you had a CCC awhile back that totally missed the Wildcat mark.
2. When my kid was in cub scouts, they had a banquet every year and the kids could make cakes for a contest (and dessert later). After decoration with fishooks in a previous year, the Pack was very clear that EVERYTHING on the cake should be edible.
3. One has to wonder if the expectant mother added the positive test or asked the bakery to apply it. In either case, I'd be skipping that cake.
@Addy
First, get cake in "mood."
It will slip into something
more "comfortable."
~~~
I haven't ever seen American Pie, but I'm pretty sure there's a related joke I can't type here.
I don't get it...why does a cake with no legs need stockings?
A rosary-thong! Kinky.
Every one of those are just wrong, but the underwear and pregnancy test just really got me. And the fishing lure......all of them really. Eww!!!
OMG. I just said "OMG." What were those plastic...and whose pee is on that...on a cake...and...uhhhh....<klunk>
I cannot believe I am actually sitting here wondering if there is any way to FAKE a blue line on a pregnancy test. Like with vinegar or something.
Otherwise, I am going to have to go with the assumption that they used markers. Yep, that's the only way my brain can manage that.
And, yes, by the last one that wired ribbon didn't look too bad after all.
I be smelling me an EPCOT situations brewing......
Why does it seem that 90% of these cake wrecks come from Wal-mart? Yah know someone at the top management level has to have seen this blog. Someone with power, someone who can DO SOMETHING to stop this madness. ;)
Oh. My. Word.
Like many other readers, the stockings on the stumps had me laughing. My laughter was cut short however, when I got to the end. Had I attended that party, I would've left with a few less Christmas cards to worry about writing.
Just make sure PETA doesn't find out about the live fish, or you're gonna have problems like you never had problems before. Un-freakin'-believable!
It was bad, then it was worse (the fishies) and then "OH MY GOD YOU PEED ON THAT! OH MY GAWD!" I die. People around me stare in confusion.
I was grinning and chuckling up until the last one, when my eyes bugged out in disbelief. I know, I know, I shouldn't be surprised at anything on this site, but...REALLY?? Omg, why would they do that???
As a long time reader and co-resident in the Epcot shelter, I can honestly say this is the funniest post ever!!! ........but I agree with the poster above - when I saw the undies on the cake, my first thought was, "How did they lift up the cake to put the undies on????" ......and the pregnancy test? Gross. Just. Gross.
Oh MY!!! I haven't laughted this hard in a long time! Cakes and comments......wonderfully awful!
At first I thought I saw the one with the fish before, but now that I think about it the one I remember had the fish swimming in the cake. I think.
ew ew ew and did I mention EW?
I was so squicked out by the used pregnancy test that I almost missed the curling ribbon on that last cake. The possibility of hepatitis infused urine on a used pregnancy test really ups the ante in the horrific flotsam department. Nothing involving bodily fluids should EVER go on a cake. I can't believe I just typed that. There should never be a need for that statement.
Ignoring the fact that the poor fishies are suffocating, that has got to be the #1, tackiest cake I have EVER seen. And I've seen some pretty tacky ones.
And the pregnancy test cake? Seriously? Fake or not, the first thing going through anyone's mind when they see that, is NOT going be, "Why, what a tasty looking cake bearing the news about a new life, which requires congratulatory statements to be made!"
This page has absolutely, positively put me off cake for a long time now. Can we all say "EWWWWE" together?
I'm wondering if the purchaser of the pregnancy test cake added the pregnancy test themselves. And as for bathrooms not being sanitary, more than one "investigation" (and subsequent news articles) has been done on how bathrooms are cleaner than kitchens....
Sunshine Mary- Per your helpful instructions I would kindly offer you the piece with the used pregnancy test on it. Perhaps you'd also like some extra fishing hooks as well?
I had cake at a wedding once where they neglected to mention that the 'baker' built the frosting roses ON STAPLES. Once everyone started spitting out staples, they made an announcement. The pregnancy test and the underwear cakes blow my mind though. Do they not realize that once someone buys a cake, the next thing they usually do is EAT said cake?
All of these make me weep for humanity! The last one... a spelling error AND a pregnancy test. /facepalm
Urine isn't sterile!!!! OMG! Use your brains! This is why they take samples to look for INFECTIONS! And the body parts and hair it touches when it leave the body? Ewwww! Regardless, pregnancy tests are not food grade, and should never be touching an edible surface.
Omg sick! The fish in the glasses and the underwear on cakes....
I actually had a Rosary cake after my First Communion (which was many years ago) and remember being lectured by my grandma about why I shouldn't be licking icing off of the beads. I believe my response was "well if I can't lick it, why was it on the cake?" Even at the ripe old age of 8 I knew it was a dumb idea.
My friend's sister actually thought having little fish bowls on the tables at the wedding shower would be a great idea. However, she didn't think about what to do with them afterward.
When the majority of the fish didn't immediately keel over after the shower, everybody agreed that if they lived to the wedding day they would go back on the tables for the wedding reception. Well, guess who must have bought the heartiest fist at Petco?
So, by the end of the reception everybody was encouraged to take a fish bowl home, including the bride. She still has him, his name is Fred, he's the longest living pet she's had so far.
Was having a tough time staying out of the kitchen this afternoon (feeling snacky) - this did it.
Thank you.
HaikuJoy, I love you!
I am glad I am not a participant at any of the "parties" these cakes were presented.... I am almost puking just looking at the pictures!
Bakery Boss to cake decorator: "URINE TROUBLE"!
Stop complaining about a little pee soaked stick.
In my day, they would have thrown a dead rabbit onto the cake
and we'd be happy to get a slice.
Can you believe they forgot the apostrophe on 'Who's'???
Disgusting.
Ah, I'm not Catholic and I still don't think a real rosary is appropriate for a cake, First Communion, Confirmation or any other time. And how do you sterilize the stuffed animal, anyway?
It looks like that last cake reads, "Guess Whas Due?" Is that supposed to be literary colloquial style or something? Maybe the decorator was too offended by the pee strip to pay close attention to what they were doing.
On a different topic, my aunt and uncle once sent us fudge in a cast iron pan shaped like Texas. Once the fudge was gone, we had a cast iron pan shaped like Texas. Kinda useless in California, even if we were inclined to make state-shaped food.
Urine is only sterile when it first exits the body... after that, it's an excellent bacteria culture. Eyeeew!
I started to get afraid when underwear was only #3!
Even if urine is "sterile", that doesn't mean I want it anywhere near a cake!
Why did they use goldfish? They could have used cool fish such as neon tetra or tattoed fish..... especially the tattooed fish that have hearts on them.
As for the other cakes so many questions so little time lol