Flotsam Plops
April 27, 2010 The concept is simple: take an otherwise passable cake, and then stick a completely unrelated piece (or pieces) of plastic flotsam on it. Voila! Flotsam plop.
Oh, and when I say "completely unrelated," I mean "completely unrelated."
And lo, unto us a carrot cake is borne. And high, we suspecteth the Wreckerator was. Eth.
Care to pick a pack of plops?
The migrating guitar herd strikes again.Here's how you pander to fanboys and fangirls everywhere:
No, no, it's not a blue dog - it's a BAT dog. Sha-pow!Plus, that upside-down bat logo tells us he sticks to the ceiling!
Bringing "downward facing dog" to new heights.Perhaps you don't think these examples have been ridiculous enough, though. Nooo problem. What would you say to Dora the Explorer's head stuck in another doll cake's lap?
Go ahead. Try and imagine that's just the world's largest, creepiest belt buckle.Personally, I'd say "Hola, Dora! S-O-C-K-S!" Because that's all the Spanish I know. I never learned what it means, though, so here's hoping it's not something dirty. (Although, frankly, that might be appropriate here.)
I have some thoughts about the snowman in the gal's lap behind Dora, too, but for all our sakes I'll leave that to you guys in the comments.
So, just how bad is the flotsam plop epidemic getting?
This bad:
Because even cake sold by-the-slice needs accessorizing.And Superman beats everybody at bowling.
Katrina S., Lisa K., Dawn, Frzn D., & Jane D., "flotsam plops" is officially my new favorite phrase. Flotsamplopsflotsamplopsflotsamplops. Heehee!
- Related Wreckage: Totally Cheating
Reader Comments (87)
Wow.. wretched.. the one that slices: plastic fork, bowling pins, and superman emblem is more random than even I can comprehend.. : /
Perhaps the angel was there to herold the birth of carrot riding baby!!
That green doll is just Frosting the Snowman...
I'm still stuck on the scary dolls with the massive "belt buckles" ... Is it THAT hard to find dolls with hair that doesn't stick up like it's been chewed on by a baby?
there is enough scatological source material in these wrecks to make Sigmund Freud up his coke intake by magnificent volumes. Were he alive that is. The Dora positioning... maybe the baker wants to do some exploring of her own.. well...won't go there...
As for the slice of wreck..well clearly Superman can throw a heck of a lane splitter perhaps the baker wants to too so I am chalking it up to wish fulfillmentt which falls neatly in line with the Sophos yearnings of the Dora baker.
The Guitar Herds is interesting, the implied arc of the rather well.. small phallic symbolism arcing perfectly over the number 50... The baker has gently suggested that perhaps the prime breeding years have gone by yet the dentures can still handle some sponge like sugary mass so man up Steven time to get macho.
The blue dog? Latent issues with a father figure I suspect, a "please recognize my unique diabetic inducing blueness daddy" cry for help. Guess that baker was part of the IronJohn movement back when.
Sigh*.. THe spiritual Nature of the carrot jockey experience is clearly being symbolized and referenced just for you Jen, Some poor 8 dollar and hour baker is silently acknowledging the cultural tour de force that is the cakewreck influence while trying to not tip off the 8.29 per hour shift manager that the carrot jockey revolution is underway. An age of enlightenment has begun by your hand, with luck in a few years this could mean the presidency.
Don't tell anyone.
The carrot just looks like an orange version of Mr. Hanky. *shudders*
The rest are testament to the long-held belief that if the visage of a popular cartoon character is slapped on merchandise, some little kid will scream until their parents buy it for them.
Except for Batdog. I don't know of a kid alive who would be fooled by that one...although I could very well be wrong!
@Miranda:
At Cake Wrecks, "Professional" cakes means cakes that aren't homemade. Cakes that were made in a bakery of some kind. Cakes that the baker/decorator expects someone to purchase with their hard-earned dollars. Whether the bakery is in a supermarket or not is not the point. The point is that the "professional" has such (a) poor skills, (b) low standards, (c) apathy, (d) a lack of creativity or (e) a frosting and flotsam fetish, and yet has the chutzpah (look it up) to charge full price for his/her wrecky creations. Jen's genius is that she has found a way to tranform sugary tragedy and WTF-ery into sweet comedy ROFLMAO-itude.
I Heart This Blog!
-joules
I guess what bugs me about the Cupcake Girls is THIS:
You know DARN well that your little toodler granddaughter is going to start with the "I can get anything I want with enough noise" routine...
Little Precious Darling: (GASPING at the sight of them) "Oh! OH! Gammie! Me WANT one. Want candy GIRL... WANT. CANDY girl!!!
PEEaaassse!!
Doting "Gammie": "Oh, Sweetie, my precious DARLING!! I would LOVE to get it for you, Baby Doll--but your Mommy SAID 'no sweets before dinner' and it's almost dinner time!--it's not GAMMIE's fault!"
Precious little.Darling:
"GAMMIE!! Gammeeee...! WANT baby CANdy CANDY DRESS WITH WITH WITH
DRESSSSSSS!!!!"
Grandma: "Now, now. DEAR. Your MOTHER SAID..."
Small child (ramping it up a notch): " I waaaaant BABY candygirlinDRESScandeeeee!!!"
Grandmother: "NO means no... And you have to stop that!"
Little Bugger: "I WAAnnt--WAAAAHHHH!"
Exhausted Old Lady: "I am LEAVING this STORE. Come WITH me NOW and SHUT UP."
@ Miranda
That bakery label is also used at Walmart. I thought it was Publix too until I was opening a pastry box and said to myself, "I've seen that label before in CakeWrecks".
@Miranda, this site is dedicated to poking fun at professional cakes gone bad, Publix chain store or no.
Just think, if this were restricted to private (non-chain store) bakeries only, we would have missed Happy Falker Satherhood! Inconceivable!
I love your little tribute to Shakespeare. I think it was Billy S. It looked like it. I am reading Rom & Jul in class so I'd like to add my own little tribute:
"To crosseth vanilla icing-eth I dare not-eth dream, but the divine messenger of heaven-eth do-eth dare. All for the sake-eth of the holiest-eth carrot-blesséd." Did you know that Mr. Shakes wrote in iambic pentameter? that means five beats per line. It is unbelievably difficult. So to quote the famous Georgia Nicolson:
"I was being the prologue person and I was giving it my all at the front (oo-er).
I said:
"Two households both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona (where we lay our scene)
From ancient grude break to"--(and I couldn't resist the comedy opportunity)--"From ancient grudge break to new nudity,
Where civil pants makes civil pants unclean."
@ Lilly:
Huh. Methinks that you studied a different Billy Shakespeare than I did (back in the Dark Ages).
Alluding to Fair Verona...
'twas more than the scene got laid.
=^~.-^=
Quite bizarre. Thank you as always for adding a bit of fluffy frosting to my day.
S-O-C-K-S, I remember that commercial! I asked a Spanish-speaking friend what that meant once and she gave me a blank look, and said it didn't mean anything. Hmmm...
Scroll down and click on S-O-C-K-S:
http://www.burkhardworks.com/ADSOURCES/downloadable_radio_commercials.html
Oh my goodness, those are so funny!
Lisa
BRING ME THE HEAD OF DORA!!!!
How Wicked Witch of the West!
Snowmen are creepy bastards.
http://www.marriedtothesea.com/042610/snowman-love.gif
OMG! I cant believe you used the term S O C K S.....I used to say that all the time and nobody ever knew what the hell I was talking about! I knew I liked you for a reason:-)
I honestly don't know what to say to these.. but that angel on the carrot cake makes me wonder if maybe the cake is past its expiration date and if you buy it you will need an angel to save your life lol. All the others are needlessly ruined by those pic things.. why oh why did they do it???
You think that creepy blue thing is a dog?? I don't know what it is, but...I think it is an insult to canines everywhere to call it a dog! xD
my grandmother that bat-dog was a fish.
Hello...is that a carrot on your cake or are you just pleased to see me?
Great post :)
Did anyone else notice, in the doll cake photo, the sign for "elephant ears $1.39 ea"? I know it's probably like one of those "bear claw" things, just a name, but doesn't make it any less creepy but also funny. Unless, of course, it's literal.
@ Em
"Elephant Ears" is another name for palmiers, a pastry/cookie.
Still funny, though.
Oh WOW! Ace the Bat-Hound! He was immortalized in cake this time. But he's really more of the german shepherd type, not a shih-tzu.
@ EM:
Yeah, I saw that; it does sound TASTY, huh?
Here's what my intensive (NOT) research uncovered about the goodies:
****
Elephant Ears (pastry)
"Elephant ears” are sugary, fried dough pastries that are popular at state fairs. In Mexican bakeries, the same pastries are called orejas (ears). Other names for elephant ears include elephant tracks, knee patches, Swiss nothings, hocu-pocus crispies, angel wings, beaver tails (Canada), and langos (pronounced “langosh") chrusciki (Polish pastry).
“Elephant ears” were sold in bakeries as a kind of Danish pastry by the 1950s and 1960s. The 1919 and 1939 citations of “elephant ears” (below) are probably different than the pastry.
~~~~~~~
Eh--that's enough.
I personally LOVE the alternate name "KNEE PATCHES"!
=^~.~^=
Re S-O-C-K-S:
Actually, nobody's mentioned the funniest thing about that ad, unless I missed it in scrolling. To wit:
That course used lame tricks to simplify. The first ad had a woman lamenting that she could not learn another language; the announcer asks her if she can spell "socks". "S-O-C-K-S" she says. "Well," he says, "in Spanish, 'eso si que es' means 'That's what I want!'" The ad ended with the announcer saying, "If learning a new language is what YOU want, call..." and he gave the number.
Only problem was, that is NOT what "eso si que es" means. It ran constantly on the radio and for any Latino/a it must have been like nails on a chalkboard! But one day, I heard the ad and right after she spelled "socks", the announcer said, "Well, in Spanish, that means--" and here there was a slight pause for the splice in the tape. The announcer's voice continued in a rather bad match-up, "that's what it is!" Which of course made no sense, and made the tie-in with the ending totally nonsensical. I always wondered if anyone got as much of a laugh out of that fix-up as I did, but I've never heard anyone mention it til now! They should have just yanked it-- after all, they had another one for "lo siento" ("I'm sorry"), in which the mnemonic association was "I feel so low I see into my toes."
Honest!
Such a woebegone campaign seems appropriate to commemorate, somehow, for this site! :)
flotsam plops!
it really is fun to say!!
flotsam plops! flotsam plops! flotsam plops!
Yay, my first wreck! Glad I wasn't the only one disturbed by the Dora head (and friends).
Next time I go, I'll have to ask if they are rings...
I think the doll on the Dora cake was supposed to be Dora. Therefore, the Dora head. I think it's one of plastic rings kids give out on cake at birthday parties.
But still...
btw, love the "Super/bowl" theories. that's probably the twisted wreckerator logic and explains a bit.
still pathetic though.
wv: oriosea. a spell that Hermione (Harry Potter) uses when she's PMSing. it's to conjure Oreos.
Great post! From my understanding, "Eso si que es"(S-O-C-K-S) is "it is what it is". My Dad taught me that. Another handy phrase in espanol: "Su es muy loco en la cabasa!", which translates to: "you are very crazy in the head". Have fun with that one...:)
Is the angel really playing to a condom?
To paraphrase Joanna in Office Space:
"I don't like talking about my flotsam."
great post, jen! had me laughing out loud, especially the angel cake and superman bowling comments. =)