Wasted Cakes
January 1, 2009 If there's one thing I've learned from this blog, it's that there's a cake for everything. Vasectomies, divorces, fecal triumphs - bakeries come through where even Hallmark is left speechless. So for those of you reading this through squinted, blood-shot eyes, nursing a killer migraine, and wondering if God was actually paying attention to your 4AM porcelain-throne confessional this morning: cheer up; there's a cake for that.
Binky here is part of the new "scare 'em sober" line of cake kits. Nothing says "drink in moderation" quite like a deceased flattened clown with charred lumps for feet, right? "And that's why it's important to remember "stop, drop and roll" when doing flaming shots, boys and girls!"
Look familiar? I hope not; anyone who keeps a big mass of string cheese in their bathroom has serious hygiene issues. I'm glad the guy is labeled a "Party Animal", though: otherwise you might think this was celebrating the flu or food poisoning.
(Bonus Side Tangent Competition: Who can be the first to find me an actual cake celebrating the flu or food poisoning? C'mon; you know they're out there!)
And then there's Charlie, who shows us once and for all that you're never too old to party:
Charlie apparently likes to rock the Casbah with a couple of redskin potatoes shoved down the back of his pants. He also has a gargantuan toilet with a joystick on the seat, which he doesn't like to talk about.
[whispers] Shhh. He's sleeping. That pink shag rug and the smell of 2000 Flushes gets him every time. Aren't they just the cutest when they're dreaming?
(Yes, it's "professional". What, don't you trust me?)
Well, Happy New Year, everyone! Here's to a Wrecktastic 2009.
Thanks to Sarah N., and Stefani H.!
Reader Comments (64)
Are those used maxi-pads littering the floor on Daz's cake?
What, you've never rocked the Casbah with a couple of redskin potatoes crammed down your pants? Don't knock it until you've tried it!
http://www.cakeguardindustries.com/index.htm
Not a flu cake, but could help your guests from getting the flu from your cake!!
NO! Nooooooo! No puking geriatrics head down in blue water cakes(well, at least it's still blue, so that's something I guess).
Have we really sunk to such lows?
(Just kidding. I love it!)
I have always wondered how a toilet would taste....Mmm, chocolatey!
Oh my! Now I've seen everything!
The candle plungers on the Party Animal cake are just priceless--what a clever idea!
P.S. WOW! I never got to be first comment before! I guess this means I drank less than everyone else last night? heh
P.P.S. Word Verification: lubisclu = The new "private" version of Rubik's Cube, using KY Jelly.
The "Party Animal" looks like he's trying to retrieve something his kids tossed into the toilet that is now blocking it.
I assumed the geriatric toileteer was holding a bong or crack pipe, until you showed the other angle. Now....yeesh. Live the pink rug, though!
I wasn't hungover but now I do feel sick...
At least that last cake has some FRESH, Sno-Bol water. Either that or the old guy was yacking up blue jellybeans.
Angie (from over at www.HalfAssedKitchen.com)
Ok, they aren't cakes. But they are the grossest jello desserts you'll ever see! In real petri dishes!!
http://mark.rehorst.com/Dessert/index.htm
Great. Toilet cakes with "joysticks". That's just not right. Ick.
And the first one looks like the poor clown got run over by a drunk driver!
Funny stuff. I laughed so hard my 12 year old came out of her room to check on me.
Happy 2009!
~Amy B
I'm not too sure about that "joy stick" on the last cake... maybe that's really a http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bidet" REL="nofollow">bidet he's puking into?
Are you sure that Charlie isn't dead??? (I had wallpaper very similar to Charlie's -- scary, huh?)
Happy new year!
I never. I keep thinkin' it can't get much worse, and then, someone does a much worse cake. Wow. The tile floor does look awesome, but who wants to eat grout? Not to mention eating toilet....yuck
So what IS that joystick thing? Is it supposed to be a plunger? A tad under-scaled for that massive commode, I'd say...
What on Earth is the stuff on the floor of Daz's cake? I believe the white crumpled-up thing is a towel, but I'm loathe to consider Anonymous's suggestion that those are [gulp] maxi pads. And what about the brown thing with the yellow stringy stuff? Any ideas?
Meghan, I'm pretty sure the brown thing with the yellow stringy stuff is a slightly melted candy bar with cheez-whiz topping.
I don't even have a guess about the maxi-pads, although the red circle with the "S" on top appears to be an attempt at some sort of corporate logo.
My guess on the Party Animal cake was that the white things with "S"s' on them were cans...beer cans of some sort...maybe a local brand of beer to the party goer? Also, I thought the weird cheesy looking thing was pizza in a cardboard box??? Symbolizing drunk munchies, perhaps and its ensuing visit to the porcelain throne?
I promise, I promise...I'll never again drink too much or eat the blue icing!
Maybe the designer of the last cake wasn't going for the joystick look, but more of the "Flotation Tube" look. You know with the nozzle that you air it up with sticking up. Kind of symbolizing that he is hanging on for dear life.
Verification word: acksh. Which is the sound that I make when I see some of these cakes.
Is that supposed to be a brown paper bag of barf in the second one?
Okay, but someone actually MASS PRODUCED the Light Beer candles on Nicole's cake. If you're gonna have fake beer cans...
Never mind. I get it. Light. Beer. Wick. Yecch.
WV: phordned, like "We got her the best cake we coulda phordned."
happy 2009, everyone!
okay, i showed my husband CW2 and 3. His comments:
CW2: "It looks like he's having sex with the bathroom."
CW3: (after I said, 'what is that?' referring to the toilet-joystick:)
"It's a plunger."
"Joystick." Yes. Your mastery of the euphemism is unparalleled. My hat's off to you.
ugh..toilets as food. I think Charlie had too much blue icing.
wvotd...drocy... The toilet cakes make my feel drocy. The clown cake too...ew..
These are just wrong! Do people actually order this stuff?
The clown is just plain scary. Are those olives for his feet? I think this comes under the "Scared Straight" for drinking. After a cake like that, who would want to? Does everyone have scary clown issues?
Jen...I think you have outdone yourself. Where can you go from here?
omg, the commentary on the old dude at the toilet cake has me cracking up!
My guesses:
2nd cake
white things with red spots = beer cans
brown thing with yellow string = brown towel covered in vomit
3rd cake
"joystick" = cigar
Eh, whatever they're supposed to be, they sure are wreckstastic!
Um, is that a plunger the old guy is holding? That was my first thought. Ew...who needs a plunger after they puke?
http://stuff.gbsfm.info/poison_cake.jpg
cheers!
Does the party animal cake seriously have 3 plungers?
Oh, yick. If Charlie really looks like that guy- blue hair, bony butt hanging out of his JEANS, drinking himself into oblivion at the "dignified" age of 83- he deserves to be sick. He deserves the toilet the size of a VW. AND, he deserves the pink shag rug.
I don't think I like Charlie.
(Better get a bigger plunger, Chuck.)
I think Charlie is a plumber. The "potatoes" are his plumber crack, the "joystick" is a plunger and he is looking into toilet rather than throwing up in it.
This really isn't fair. I have bronchitis, and going into convulsive laughing fits causes me to cough more. Ohhhh ... my ribs ...
After this batch of wackos, I think I'm going to need my own face-to-face confrontation with Porcelain Patty.
I think the unidentified thing on the floor next to Mr. Passout is a giant bean burrito with extra cheese.
And I want a joystick on my toilet.
Happy New Year!
No! No! We trust you, but I disbelieve. That cannot be a professional cake. Not made by a professional cake decorator. Maybe by a professional streetwalker who accepted payment in hallucinogenic drugs, and had a broken arm.
But maybe I can accept that the client -- do we call people who commission cakes like this "johns"? -- actually requested these details. Then yes, we must all applaud the professionalism of this baker, who fulfilled the client's wishes despite his or her personal standards of decency and taste.
This blog brings more joy then a new pair of shoes!! I came across it by accident and now every day I get to share new posts with the ladies at the office and we all get a giggle over our morning coffee:).
Sammee Pearson
Sandy, Utah
i think that the last one is for an old guy who's been a plumber for a long time! that's his "plumber's crack" and the plunger makes more sense that way. it's just really poorly done, and they couldn't figure out a way to make his head do anything other than lay on the toilet in that creepy way. some of the other explanations are more fun though. love the site!
Am I the only one who thinks Daz's cake, while in questionable taste, is awesomely executed?
oh my goodness
i've been a wreck follower for .... well it seems like forever (that lifelike bride cake sticks in my mind) .... but this is the first time i've commented - because these have made me laugh until i have tears running down my face ... seriously .... the gigantic toilet bowl with potatos down your pants .... OMG *snicker*
i wonder if my 'Daz' would like a cake like that one for his 40th this year ???
I don't think the old guy is puking. I think he's a plumber... thus I assume the potatoes are actually a case of "plumber butt," and the joystick is a plunger!
Now, what kind of plumber rests his chin on the toilet, I have no idea.
I actually think the last cake was made for a plumber.. hence the PLUNGER he is holding and the plumber pants buttcrack he is rocking in the back!!!
i almost shot milk out my nose with the red potatos thing. that's hilarious, a great post!
OMG! I really can't believe that toilet cakes exist. I guess that's where 2008 belongs...in the toilet.
oh, gods. That was me bringing up my toenails this morning. X( If anyone gets me a cake commemorating it, they are going to be wearing the blasted thing.
"couple of redskin potatoes shoved down the back of his pants"
I think I just snorted soda up my nose. SO fuunny.
For the first one: do you think her parents got her that cake?
The first cake looks like a crime scene.
There's this cake http://www.flickr.com/photos/20358768@N00/2866675301/ Looks like it's more about the chicken pox than the flu. (and it looks like it's non-professional)
I was coming here to post the Get Well Soon cake but Christine beat me to it. Not exactly celebrating flu/food poisoning but here's a different get well cake: http://www.erbzine.com/mag13/gwcakeh5.jpg
Not sure what "Stay off the Boof" means, or what Mowgli is up to but I'm sure it made the recipient feel better.